If You’re Reading This

Suicide attempt or just a fuck up?

Who knows.

Are you angry at me...? Is that why....? I’m sorry... I always pus h my luck dont i i am just so very stupid and im so stupid im sorry im soryr im sorry im sorryplease dont yell at me im sorry i promise... iw ont im sorry i always mess everything up

me: Fine. Don’t talk to me. You think I need you to message me all the time? Ha. I don’t even care. I don’t even care, not even a little. You want to ignore me fine. Go ahead. I don’t even care. You think I need your constant presence and attention. Laughable. I was alone way before I even met you. Pure childs play. Don’t even @ me. Don’t even bother saying anything to me. I don’t need or want it anyway. 

me 1 minute later: *sobbing* I’m sorry please don't leave me. Fuck I need you. Where are you. What did I do wrong. Was it something I said two months ago? Have you left me like she did, ghosted me?? If I attempt to reach out will you block me?? What did I do?? Im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sor- me 1 minute after that: *trying to think rationally* He’s probably just sleeping. Hes probably busy with schoolwork. Or babysitting. Or the bank. Or family stuff. Or- me 1 minute later panicked: But he always messages you morning. Even when hes busy. He would have let you know. He would have said something if he was going to be away...What if something bad has happened?? What if something horrible has happened to him?? What if hes hurt?? What if something happened to his family?? What if hes suicidal and not telling me and I’m going to lose him??? Oh god oh fuck oh no oh fuck oh god me: What if hes just ignoring you? What if he just doesn’t want you anymore? What if he hates you? What if you pissed him off and didn’t realize it? What if- me minutes later:.....Fine. Don’t talk to me. You think I need you to message me all the-- and repeat forever.  

I actually feel like I am in the worst low mood of my life and I feel utterly terrible and like I want to die. And It makes me so angry that one tiny little thing just fucking smacked me from the purest beautiful holy cloud nine onto the fucking cold heartless concrete without mercy. I literally have not stopped crying for like over an hour. I hate my life and I want to just throw myself off the stupid balcony fuck me.

Abusive parents force you to hide things you would otherwise never have to worry about hiding, because you learn that they can flip out about anything, make a scene from anything, misunderstand one detail and go insane over it. So you don’t tell them about anything you can avoid, and you try to deal with things yourself as much as humanely possible, which takes the burden of taking care of you from them, and onto your shoulders.

This is dangerous as well because you don’t tell them about a friend who did something horrible to you, you don’t tell them about a sociopath who tried to groom or touch you, you don’t tell them about horrifying heartbreak you feel when someone abandons you, you don’t tell them when your world is falling apart because you know that at best, they’ll be uninterested, at worst, they will tell you it was your fault and you deserved it.

Living in secrecy becomes normal and when you develop trauma symptoms it once again feels like it’s your fault because you never said anything, you never told them how much they were hurting you, you didn’t speak up and open up about your problems. But how in the world would you? You know if you had, all that you would get is insults, blame, threats, guilt and shame thrown in your face, how could you possibly take that on top of having trauma symptoms? You can’t, it’s not worth risking. Suffering in silence becomes your only survival option, and you watch your heart break a little more every day that nobody cares that you’re breaking apart.

Music always moves me in such a way, nothing can compare. It makes me feel so alive, sending me to other worlds.

if it makes you unable to get out of bed: you’re not faking it

if it makes you unable to think straight: you’re not faking it

if it makes you unable to brush your hair in the morning: you’re not faking it

even if you’re still able to work and smile during the day but unable to sleep or move later that day because of it: you’re not faking it

if it effects you in any way: you are not faking it

THIS IS REAL, don’t second guess yourself because others do