Digital-dissociation-blog - Digital Dissociation

It comes in waves. Anger, then sadness, anxiety then anger again.

All I can do is lay in bed by myself and isolate.

I dont really have a right to push everyone away and then lament that im hurting and lonely.

I just..........

Oh well..

7/3/19

9:20am

I feel like fuck. My head hurts. My stomach is killing me. Stress ulcers maybe?

My heart has also been acting up again, every anxiety pang gets my heart to skip and palpitate. Which unfortunately is way more often than not. 

Wondering if my iron is low, got that stupid blood disorder that ruins everything if my eating is ‘off’.

I’m also shaking a bit, my hands are just shaking lightly.

Just going to smoke some, calm my nerves, and try and rest.

It’ll pass. Time passing is inevitable, this won’t last forever. I just gotta tough it out.

Fucking tired.

me: Fine. Don’t talk to me. You think I need you to message me all the time? Ha. I don’t even care. I don’t even care, not even a little. You want to ignore me fine. Go ahead. I don’t even care. You think I need your constant presence and attention. Laughable. I was alone way before I even met you. Pure childs play. Don’t even @ me. Don’t even bother saying anything to me. I don’t need or want it anyway. 

me 1 minute later: *sobbing* I’m sorry please don't leave me. Fuck I need you. Where are you. What did I do wrong. Was it something I said two months ago? Have you left me like she did, ghosted me?? If I attempt to reach out will you block me?? What did I do?? Im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sor- me 1 minute after that: *trying to think rationally* He’s probably just sleeping. Hes probably busy with schoolwork. Or babysitting. Or the bank. Or family stuff. Or- me 1 minute later panicked: But he always messages you morning. Even when hes busy. He would have let you know. He would have said something if he was going to be away...What if something bad has happened?? What if something horrible has happened to him?? What if hes hurt?? What if something happened to his family?? What if hes suicidal and not telling me and I’m going to lose him??? Oh god oh fuck oh no oh fuck oh god me: What if hes just ignoring you? What if he just doesn’t want you anymore? What if he hates you? What if you pissed him off and didn’t realize it? What if- me minutes later:.....Fine. Don’t talk to me. You think I need you to message me all the-- and repeat forever.  

Welp im ill :)

Got a 103.1 fever, so fucking cold with chills, dizzy af, double earpain, sore throat, a weird gross thing on my right side of my throat ew, painful nodes on both sides, andddd a migraine 👌🏻😊 Fuck

- yes, sometimes

Your mixed feelings about your parents are valid.

Shout out to people like me who have parents who are loving but are black holes of emotional labor… It took me a long time to realize that it’s okay to have mixed feelings about your parents, about your relationship with them.

Sometimes parents can love you but be somewhat toxic to you and your growth, and that’s a very hard realization to come to if you, like me, grew up extremely close to them.

Sometimes parents can love you genuinely but lack emotional maturity, forcing you to perform disproportionate amounts of emotional labor. Some parents manifest symptoms of their mental illness in ways that are toxic to your mental illness.

Some parents, like mine, try so hard to be good parents but fall back on habits of emotional manipulation because they haven’t processed their own traumas and are modeling behavior they grew up with. That doesn’t make their behavior acceptable, and it’s okay to feel exhausted and hurt when they betray you. You don’t have to forgive every mistake.

I want you to know that it’s okay to protect yourself, to need some space apart from them. The love you have for your parents is still valid, and you are making the right decision.

Placing a safe emotional distance between myself and my parents has been one of the most difficult, heartbreaking processes I’ve ever gone through… it hurts to try to curb the strength of your own natural empathy around people you love. It feels disingenuous to your heart’s natural state.

But I promise you, you are not hard-hearted or ungrateful, and you are not abandoning them. You are making a decision about your own emotional, mental, and spiritual health.

I know what it’s like in that confusing grey area of love mixed with guilt and anxiety, of exhaustion and quasi-manipulation and unreciprocated emotional labor, and I promise you, you are not alone.

Your mixed feelings about your parents are valid.

Crying is actually the fucking worst. Its fucking garbage. I would rather just. Fucking...Not. 

Just going to livetumbl my entire episode because I'm alone and might as fucking well.

trance or something | 28.04.19

BPD and my heart can both fucking get together and piss off straight to hell