I’ve Been Going Through A Bit Of A Dark Time Lately.
I’ve been going through a bit of a dark time lately.
I doubt anyone on here really cares, and it’s probably gonna sound like a first world problem, but I need to vent about it. I’ve struggled with a lot in my life. Abuse, assault, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, financial hardship, bullying, etc. Things are just finally starting to be okay at least as far as what’s going on in my life. The depression and anxiety and stuff are still there but that’s to be expected. Here’s my problem, I’m scared that I won’t be able to live my dream. Like I said, I know it sounds like a first world problem, but hear me out. My dream is to make music. I don’t care whether or not I’m a celebrity, in fact, I’d prefer not to be. But I do want to help people. I want to give people a reason to live with my music just like other people gave me a reason to live with theirs. For a long time I didn’t think I was good enough to make music. However, I recently got a whole lot of positive feedback. I shared my music with some people at the hospital I was in a few weeks back and they freaked out. They were so supportive of me and really wanted me to pursue music. They really thought I had a shot. They thought I was amazing. It was incredible to have all those people supporting me and it really made me realize that I can do this. The problem is that I don’t have the means. I don’t have the kind of money to get recording equipment that’ll record my voice the way that it sounds in person instead of cutting out all of the power in my voice and making it sound average. I don’t have a soft voice. I don’t have a voice that can be accurately represented with an iPhone mic. Those mics try to cut out echo and background noise which is really detrimental to someone who has a voice like mine. I know it sounds really stupid but it’s really been a struggle for me. I’m terrified of becoming average. Don’t get me wrong, we need people to work in offices and be nurses and construction workers and teachers and everything else in between. But that’s not for me. It’s not who I am. I don’t think I could ever be that person. I think I’d probably kill myself if I was forced to. Anyway, if you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading my rant. I really appreciate you caring enough to do so. Thank you.
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(Part two of my message)
These are not the people I know. These are strangers who have been led astray and brainwashed by people who don’t think of anyone but themselves. My own family is almost unrecognizable to me. There are moments where I feel like I know them, when my grandmother will ask me to help her fill up her hummingbird feeder or sit down and tell me stories about her life or about my mom. Or when my papa will talk my grandma into letting me do something (yes, I’m a legal adult, but I’m still a kid to them) and then wink at me behind her back. But then they go back to being strangers, to people I sometimes feel uncomfortable just sitting down with. To conspiracy theorists, to people who, if they knew my whole belief system, might think I was evil. And it’s all because you value money over human beings. It’s all because you’re selfish. I miss the grandma who always bought me cotton candy when we went to the children’s museum, even though she knew I would get her car all sticky. Who taught me how to sew and helped me print off coloring pages and turn them into little coloring books. I miss the papa who would always carry an unreasonably big camera around his neck when we went to the zoo, who played basketball with me, and who let me ride on his lap while he mowed the lawn. I miss the people I knew. Those people are gone now, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get them back. I hope and pray that I will, but I doubt it very much. It’s a strange experience, watching someone become more distant every day, and yet still feeling them right beside you. Still getting encouraging texts and talking to them on the phone. It’s weird to sit right across from someone and recognize their face, but not the person behind it. It is extremely difficult, almost impossible, to come to terms with the fact that your family is gone when they’re standing right in front of you. It’s a kind of grief that is not easy to explain, and not recognizable to most people. But it is there. So, to everyone I addressed this letter to, to the people who have profited off of people’s radicalization, I don’t want an apology. I don’t want you to suddenly start fact checking and taking down disinformation. It is far too little and far too late. This is one of those mistakes that you simply cannot fix, no matter how hard you try. The only thing that you can do now is recognize what you have done, and let the guilt haunt you for the rest of your life, and I truly hope it does, because you stole my family from me, and I will never, ever forgive you.
For the last time, hating me is not a political view.
This is beautiful.
DAAaHRLINg,
Oh my god please tell me this is a joke. People perceiving my bpd as manipulation has torn my life apart and I just lost the love of my life to it. This disorder ruins my life. It took him away from me. And I’m so fucking tired of it.
I really don’t understand why so many borderlines are so afraid of unintentionally being manipulative.
john mulaney and nick kroll did my econ homework and i think i finally get it.
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