Am I a burden? A flaw? Does my presence do more bad than good? Am I broken? The shell of what could but never will be. A husk of a bright child who never failed to make you smile. A memory of that smart kid that didn't need to try to succeed.
But school went from abc's to please help me's. It went from defining a living being to realizing I'm barely meeting the criteria. From screams of joy to tears of grief...
And then...when I first met her I thought my world became brighter and my nights impossibly lighter. But even she turned out to be a mystery I shouldn't have discovered. From butterflies to anxious maggots. Anticipation became fear... Laughter was rare and happiness scarce. When she finally put me from one misery into the next and left I was already broken... Soon after I found another yet...
It seemed that she took a part of me with her, for I was not able to love him as I have loved her. Be it because I already knew deep down the person he truly was.. But despite that I had fun. He distracted me from the dreadfulness of my days.. All up to the point when he didn't. Comfort was rare and my main emotions became worry laced fears.. I had to end it.. Would I not have, I don't know where I'd be.
Time passed and I went from feeling empty to getting by. Healing. And then. Then there was her. It was unexpected, pure fate I'd say. I believed in love at first sight but never thought I would be lucky enough to experience let alone end up keeping it. It almost seemed too good to be true. Almost. Too new, too foreign it was to me to feel loved, trully loved for who you are. And it was at first, although new, as it should be.
The so called "honeymoon phase" was as sweet as mead. I was afraid that once it ended things would rapidly decline but to my delight that didn't happen. We had our fair share of arguments of course but we fixed those and moved on.. So I'd at least like to hope. But no matter the phase or the seasons, loving you. Loving you was never hard. It was and still is simple. Simple and freeing as a river in its bed. I've never known this. Never knew true love. So it surprised me when the fear set in and made its home in my heart.. The fear that I'll lose you. The fear I won't be good enough that I won't be able to give to you all that you deserve. That I'll say or do something wrong and drive you away. It was worse than anything I've ever felt before.
Well.. Until that one moment when my heart sank... It isn't easy for me to cry yet all it took was one small look and everything fell apart.. If I was overreacting I don't know.. Was I at fault for letting my heart shatter? Maybe.. But it'll heal. It always does. It will take time for the consequential anxieties to ease and the fears to lessen but they will. Despite that. Loving you will always be simple. Because you could tear me apart piece by piece until all that remained was my heart which would still beat for you. Still as strong as the day we met.
It's because of you that I know. To love is not just that. It's to fear, to worry, to laugh and squeal. It's all of that and more and it's all just because of you.. It's all just for you. I love you. I love you I always will. If I tried to explain just why that is I'd run out of pages and words to describe it. The wouldn't be enough hours in a day and weeks in a month to finish it.
To circle now, all the way to the beginning.. My worries and my fears are not here because of you. They've gathered throughout my life.. The only reason they're appearing now is.. Well.. You're the one person I sincerely care about.. The one I love and the one I couldn't live without.
April 19th, 2022. I wrote this then... It is now June 29th, 2022. She broke up with me after 1 year and 13 days. 13 days after our anniversary she proved thag all of those fears I had were not out of the blue. History repeats and I was a fool enough to believe that this time it would be different.
-I've returned from the dead with some quite personal writing-
Hilarious book dedications.
theres this awkward disconnect when well meaning whites use genders from other cultures as an argument for respecting nonbinary ppl.
like if you are saying “other cultures have these 3rd genders so thats evidence nonbinary is real thing” that doesnt really work because those genders arent nonbinary, they exist out of the context of the western gender binary, theyre part of a different system of genders. cant be nonbinary if theres no binary to begin with.
but if you are using this as an argument for “the gender binary is a western construct thats been pushed on other cultures and also is completely arbitrary and thats why you should respect nonbinary people” then THAT is a prfectly sound arugment..
Wallpaper
Find out what about Destiel makes you go feral by taking this uquiz.
Tease
San Choi decides to have some fun with you
You felt heavy breathing on your neck. He pressed himself against you arms going around your body one settling on your hip and the other on your throat. You could feel him hard through his pants aching for your touch. He rests his head by your ear and lowly growls as he rolls his hips forward.
His hands slid under your shirt gently exploring your body his heavy breaths close to your ear and his hand around your throat squeezing.
You whined against him but he only rolled his hips into yours again. He flipped you around and pined you to a wall, your hands above you held in one of his. Your lips were captured in a heated kiss as he pressed himself flush against you letting you feel his arousal. He grinned at you with a glint in his eye as he eased himself out of his pants. He pushed you down until you were kneeling before him he leaned over you and looked down "come on get to it kitten" he said with a smirk and a purr in his voice.
Abe calls him “William J. Barnum” when he stabs the picture, and the chalkboard has “William Jackson B” written on it.
Just in case you wanted to know
A list of songs by Twenty Øne Piløts to help with certain things💕 so stay alive |-/
As a bisexual trans guy I fully understand the urge to see canon gay relationships in TV and film. But honestly after 5 seasons of Gotham watching Good Omens they are very different experiences and that’s why I don’t think Good Omens is queer baiting at all.
The book stated very openly that people assume Aziraphale to be a gay man but angels and demons don’t have genders and don’t have sex or genitals unless they want all of that but it sounds like a lot of them in fact do not want any of that.
Unlike Gotham where from the get go you get a character who is gay coded, confesses they love a man who has only shown interest in women.
Gotham spent seasons three through five baiting the idea of two male characters being romantically involved but constantly having character A behave as an evil gay ruining character B’s life and chance at true love aka straight love or showed character B as horribly violent and cruel towards character A then ended the show on them saying they’re like brothers, family, blood related. C’mere bro. Bro.
Good Omens in book and series never does any of that. Crowley and Aziraphale don’t actually have set genders, we know that Aziraphale has always chosen to present as a man by societal standards because it’s comfortable, it’s the same reason he wears the same suit and shoes and owns so many vintage things he’s not been able to let go of; it’s what he’s known since either his day of creation or his time on Earth and he doesn’t like change all that much.
Crowley on the other hand we see represent as a woman at least twice throughout the series and even his 1990s and 2018 clothing styles consist of typically feminine clothes or just flat out women’s clothing. Crowley doesn’t assign himself specifically to any gender, goes by male pronouns mostly, but doesn’t seem to really give a shit about gender and labelling clothes by gender.
There’s never a point where either has a sexuality crisis. There’s never a moment where one realizes they love the other and have a panic attack about what could happen, there’s never a moment of dread at loving another man shaped being. Aziraphale panics over loving Crowley solely because he knows if Heaven found out and Hell found out about them, about how they feel then he’d become fallen and Crowley would be destroyed. That’s the fear.
That’s the issue for these two at the end of the day. They love each other, everything in and surrounding the story is quite clear about that and even the archangels know Aziraphale loves Crowley, the issue isn’t gender or sexuality; the issue is falling in love with a demon and if that demon is destroyed then you’ve lost the one being you have loved for over 6000 years and now you’re alone, fallen and alone. Which is horrifying.
And to move onto to the issue about “showing they love each other” aka kissing, sex, etc. (show them do things straight couples do, why do straight couples get to make out and have sex) it’s a super valid argument, but like Neil brought up on twitter…..They’re sexless beings.
The fact that you can watch the series and draw from it that they’re in love with each other and the furthest they ever get is hand holding a couple of times speaks volumes aka you don’t have to show passionate make out sessions and sex to show and prove two people love each other and….it’s toxic as hell to accidentally send that message out there.
When you argue it’s not a real love story because they never kiss or hook up that could make somebody who is asexual or just not sure about sex at all feel like they are expected to make out and have sex with a partner to prove their love to them…..which isn’t cool.
I’ve loved plenty of people that I never kissed or had sex with, it’s totally possible.
Honestly for writing and cinematography and directing and acting it shows how fucking talented everybody working on the series is/was for being able to depict how deeply these two loved each other without having to have a random sex scene shoved in there.
and yeah there’s obviously nothing wrong with drawing fan art or writing fan fiction where the two show their compassion through more physical means, I’ve written fics where they kiss and do more and I’ve seen some gorgeous NSFW art work of those two together, but it’s not lesser to keep them asexual.
There’s no wrong way to look at their love story. They love each other and that love is beyond having to show it through physical means. They show it in the way they look at each other and the soft way they speak to each other and the things they do for each other which is really romantic and endearing.
To be honest we need more shows and films that can depict asexual characters and asexual relationships without having to make it a PSA or a ‘fix it’ situation.
So yeah….I’m all here for writing and drawing them being physical but I also truly adore them in a more platonic and asexual relationship, becacuse that isn’t queer baiting, asexual people exist.