What Actually Rocks My Shit With The Moment Ten Finally Hears The Four Knocks And Realizes He's Going

what actually rocks my shit with the moment ten finally hears the four knocks and realizes he's going to die anyway isn't just the look in his eyes - because bro, that was some damn good acting. no, it's also, mostly the fact that it's not just because he's going to die that he feels so sick. it's also because he realizes he has been on his guard, and paranoid for so long, and that in the end, nobody was out there to kill him. he's been paranoid over nothing. it made him act out of fear and do terrible stuff just to convince himself he could do anything including surviving, and that look in his eyes when he solves his case is one that says "it's always been you or them. it will always be you or them":

nine had to sacrifice his life to save rose's and then ten his happiness for hers.

donna begged him to let her stay but he couldn't bear to watch her die so he did something selfish and erased her memories against her will - not really just to protect her, but to protect himself from the pain and grief of losing her.

not that that's how he sees it. in his mind he probably thinks he did it for her.

then in waters of mars he comes back and saves three people who were supposed to die and someone knocks three times and he probably likes to think he's the one who averted a fourth one - because it would entail that he can do it: save himself and save them.

then it all comes crashing down that he can't when adelaide brooke offs herself - it's either him or them and it will always be them.

there he goes, last two episodes, resigned to his fate: he will confront the master and the drumming and die to save everyone.

but he survives.

and for a moment, everything shifts. maybe he can be happy. maybe he can find a way to bring donna's memories back without killing her. maybe he will see rose again.

finally, wilfred knocks, and it's the cruelest reminder - it will always be you or them. it will always be them.