Just A Take On Wyll's Transformation (spoilers)

Just a personal post about my experience on this site

The only social media I’ve ever really used my whole life has been YouTube and Pinterest, and I only joined Tumblr a few months ago because my sibling encouraged me to. The internet has always kind of been an overwhelming place for me; too many people, too many ideas. And I used to get really insecure when interacting with or even perceiving fandom. I struggled a lot with the feeling of “I really love this piece of media/character, and the fact that other people love it too makes me feel like it’s somehow an intrusion upon my profoundly personal connection with this thing” (thankfully I've mostly grown out of that). Online spaces made the world feel too big and me feel too small. Maybe a part of the reason I joined Tumblr was to combat that. I often felt a little like the odd one out in that the internet was never this place of community and connection for me like it is for so many others. I’ve always just felt overwhelmed by it. Now, I’ve curated a nice little corner of the internet for myself, although I do have to keep things in check sometimes and not overwhelm myself through overexposure to content.

Since joining the site and creating this blog, I’ve learned a lot. I have a lot of bad days when I second-guess my wording in every post I make (which I know is silly, because I just make fandom content and random stuff that only a few people will ever see, so the stakes are incredibly low, but anxiety doesn’t care). I have days where the world still feels too big and it's overwhelming to look at posts. But I’ve also begun to learn to express myself more, and that’s vital for me, especially as an autistic person learning to unmask more in my daily life. It feels silly to say that being on this site has been a rollercoaster, but that’s the truth of how I feel. This whole experience has forced me to confront my issues with self-expression, my relationship with external validation and people-pleasing, rejection-sensitive dysphoria, and figuring out healthy self-regulation. Again I feel very silly saying all this about Tumblr of all things. But it’s true.

That's not even to mention how freeing and encouraging it has felt to see how shamelessly people express themselves on here. It's a landscape of radical self-expression, fearless passion, and a kind of transparency I haven't really seen anywhere else. As someone who has repressed myself all my life and am doing the work to unmask more... I can only look on in awe. It's nothing short of inspiring and beautiful, in all it's unfiltered, deranged glory. Thank you to all the people who are openly unhinged on here, because it makes this a safe space for everyone else to express themselves, too. I aspire to that.

All this has also shown me that people are much kinder than I always expect them to be. People here listen to what I have to say, and most are so encouraging and welcoming. Having a few mutuals who always at least like my posts makes me feel… seen. Like I exist and someone else cares at least enough to take a second to give a little positivity. (Shout out to my very kind mutuals. You all always brighten my day when we get to chat in the comments. It genuinely means a lot to me). Not to be too vulnerable, but I've always struggled a lot to make friends, and while I may not be there yet, it’s been lovely to connect with anyone at all. Just getting to like and comment on other people’s posts feels like a nice bit of socialization in my day, however small it may be. It's really encouraging. Makes me feel more human, I suppose.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I went outside my comfort zone in joining this site, and really realized that (shockingly) going outside your comfort zone does in fact lead to growth. That is, when you don’t push too far and end up overwhelmed. I’m looking forward to growing more. Making posts about things I care about, or just nonsense. Writing fanfiction. Being feral about bg3 and other art I love. It’s all really been pushing me in a good way. Maybe someone else relates.

A Baldur's Gate portrait inspired by the style of the Disco Elysium portraits. She looks away from the light, maybe because she is taught to do so, maybe because she feels like she does not deserve it. Talking to her is difficult, most of her memory is blank, as if she misses parts of herself.

BG3 roleplay nonsense

I love doing silly little inconsequential things in this game to give me serotonin, including:

Collecting all the rocks and minerals I find and keeping them in a pouch. 

Giving all the random teddy bears we find to Karlach to hold in her inventory

Giving Astarion a piece of malachite for his inventory because the flavor text says there’s superstition about it helping bad dreams

Giving Astarion one of the blood bank bottles to keep in his inventory so he always has a snack on hand

Giving Shadowheart ALL the night orchids

Giving Shadowheart the little statue of Selune in act 3

Letting Lae’zel carry the Githyanki egg the whole time 

Making act 1 Karlach pet Scratch and the owlbear cub because she can touch them without them bursting into flames, and she needs the comfort

Picking up the bodies of any innocent people who die and laying them somewhere nice for a little funeral

Throwing the Gortash propaganda posters on the ground

Having Astarion bite my character at the beginning of the day so he’s happy (it's worth the spell slot to fix bloodless idc)

Leaving the personal effects on corpses (letters from loved ones, keepsake items, etc.)

Talking to every animal in the game

Dying everyone’s armor to match their color scheme (that i made up)

Talking to everyone in camp/ petting the critters every. Single. Long rest. 

Making sure everyone has at least some time in the party, not just my faves… 

Letting Astarion pickpocket often, for morale

My character is constantly getting encumbered but I refuse to make the squishy characters carry more than thirty pounds. (Especially Astarion. Wouldn't want him to break a nail.)

I can't handle Astarion in his little robe.

He looks so cozy.

Doodle of Astarion going from starved and newly freed to eating better and getting chubbier

Controversial, but i'm six-pack hater. Out of romanceable male companions only Wyll should be allowed to have defined abs. Thank you for coming to my ted talk

“What if I write it and it’s bad-”

WHAT IF YOU WRITE IT AND ITS GOOD? WHAT IF YOU WRITE IT AND ITS EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANTED? WHAT THEN????

The fun thing about the fact that the only visual fanart creations I'm any good at are sewing and needlefelt is that I have to figure out how to turn grown people characters into fluffy little guys.

Often I wish I could do drawing or animation as fanart. All I can do is write and make silly little guys out of felt. Behold, the silly little guys!

[From the game's datamined dialogues]

Astarion says those lines when he helps your fallen character in battle (romanced and/or friend depending on the lines).

He may be half-joking here, or maybe not at all, but in any case, I find it interesting that he already calls himself a hero and saviour (even ironically) when he helps you. And it made me think a lot. (And maybe I'm overthinking all this but eh... the brain-rot is real).

Because, beyond the possible irony of those "hero/saviour” labels, it says something about the image he has of himself while your adventures unfolds.

During the Tieflings' party, he's quite loud about not enjoying being a hero. He wasn't particularly fond of the idea of saving the Grove in the first place anyway.

Same with the Gnomes in the forge, saving them isn't his priority, to say the least.

After all, why would he play the hero when no one, in 200 years, has ever even tried to save him. Neither heroes, nor gods.

So I was thinking about how Astarion came to realise that not only you care about him, but that he too cares enough about you to want to help/save you.

Does you adventures together slowly make him understand that he can save you, as much as you can save him?

After all, quite early in Act 1, you can tell him that you agree to watch each other's back.

And he approves.

I want to believe that this "deal" is the first step toward his acknowledgement: he can protect and get some protection. It starts as a kind of transaction, but gradually, it's not about mutual benefice anymore. After a while, he wants to help/protect, as much as you want to help/protect him, as friend or a lover.

And of course, it paves the way to the epilogue (spawn Astarion, not romanced). 

And it's beautiful.

He made it all the way from resenting heroes for not saving him, to becoming a hero himself - the kind of hero he decides to be.

And I am wondering... the fact that he can protect you, did it affect his own self-esteem? making him realise his own worth? As a fighter, but also as friend or a lover, as someone one can rely on...

Did it make him realise that he too can become his own hero, his own saviour?

That without Cazador's power over his body, he has everything in him to save himself?

My Tav

I'm hoping to eventually post some snippets / maybe a completed fic on here once I get something presentable, and I'm trying to motivate myself rather than get caught up in anxiety. So I thought I may as well informally introduce my Tav. She's very much still a work in progress, but I'm trying not to put too much pressure on myself to have her extensively fleshed-out when I only really just started actually writing her story. I made up a lot about her as I played the game, but now I'm taking that raw material and expanding upon it. Anyway, this is River:

Name: River*

Gender: She identifies as a woman and goes by she/her, but her gender isn't really crucial to her sense of identity.

Race: Half-elf

Age: Half-elf equivalent of mid-twenties

Class: Paladin (Oath of the Ancients)

Appearance: I imagine her looking a little different than her in-game version, mainly in body type and hair length, as well as some facial differences. She's about 5' 8" (Astarion won't let her forget that she's nearly a whole inch shorter than him), but not as lean and obviously muscular as the type 3 body option in-game. She's strong, but isn't as slim as the other female characters. The vanilla game doesn't have the option, but I imagine her with long wavy hair that she usually wears braided for combat and down when at rest. She has numerous scars.

Personality: She's very introverted and quiet, preferring to observe and listen than be any sort of center of attention. She's extremely good at reading and understanding others, but is rarely understood herself. She is giving to a fault, and needs to learn not to be the "therapist friend" all the time. Being high-masking autistic, she comes across as weird or just quiet to most people who don't know her. She's defined by her selflessness, empathy, and passion, though she struggles to express the latter openly. Despite her social struggles, she will stand firm when defending someone and upholding her oaths. She hates it when people (Astarion) call her a self-sacrificial paladin stereotype, because it's true.

Overview:

She is pretty similar to Wyll in a lot of ways, in that she wears the mask of the protector, always putting everyone else first, driven by compassion. While she becomes extremely attached to her companions very quickly, she struggles greatly to form the genuine, profound connection she desires. She doesn't like to talk about her past because though she craves emotional intimacy like a drug, it also terrifies her.

She's a paladin, sworn to the Oath of the Ancients, because she feels fundamentally like an outsider. In her mind, if she can't belong among people, at least she can protect and care for them from afar. Chronic self-isolation has led her to feeling extremely off-balance once this group of tadpole-infested weirdos decides that she's the person to follow around the wilds of Faerun looking for a cure. She has never been accepted as a leader of any kind before, so she's uncertain, but finds drive in the fact that people are putting their faith in her. She would give anything to not let them down.

River finds Astarion intriguing from the beginning, and immediately wants to get through to him. She can see the mask he wears, even when others insist on taking him at face value. She doesn't support his more sadistic tendencies, but she sees the good in him from early on, and can tell there's much more to his story. Him being a vampire isn't that big of a deal to her; she is practical, and has a good sense of his character by then. She feels understanding and care for him more than anything else, so she puts her trust in him. (Interesting, considering her oaths, as the forces of nature aren't too keen on undead... Foreshadowing?) She ends up falling for Astarion in act 2 because of how he's finally opening up a bit, and she can see the soft, bright, passionate, incredibly strong man he is under the facade. After a whole lot of patience and consistent support, of course. Astarion shows time and time again that he seems to accept and understand River in a way nobody else, even their other companions, ever has. They're the one person in each other's lives who has never judged the other. Well, Astarion judges and openly mocks her plenty in the beginning for her bleeding heart, but never for the things she feels that deep-rooted shame over, like her autistic traits.

They're both learning together what it means to form connection after a lifetime of disconnect and loneliness, in a world that does not accept either of them without conditions. They may look like opposites to those who don't realize that their asymmetry is simply reflection. They challenge each other in the best ways, and deep down, they know a lot of the same pain. It sounds cheesy, but I think they balance each other out in a way that pushes them both to be better, braver people.

I'm currently working on a fic that I think will consist of several chapters occurring at important and illustrative points in both the game's narrative and their relationship. River has a lot of growth across the story in terms of self-acceptance, confronting her relationship with her Oaths, connecting, and reclaiming her identity. I love writing her and Astarion in any given situation, not to mention her relationships with the other companions. She's far from my best-written or most unique original character, but I care about her and her story. I'm trying to take my time and not put pressure or judgement on myself, and to just have fun with it. I'm also on the verge of committing to a post-game fic about Astarion and River, which I have SO many ideas for, involving tons of fluff, healing, Astarion's bucket list of "Things I Want To Do Now That I'm Not Slave To An Evil Vampire Lord", and plenty of interesting vampiric chaos in the Underdark. That story will be a bigger commitment, but I feel so inspired to write it. Something about writing her and Astarion is just so comforting to me.

While this character is very much like me in a lot of ways, she's also different in crucial ones, and I think I'm learning a lot by writing her.

(Now, I'm on my way to starting a Dark Urge playthrough, and I have some Ideas of how River could fit perfectly in that role, from what I know about the resist Dark Urge storyline. The angst and metaphors would be dialed up to 100. With some backstory changes, it could work really well, I think. So don't be surprised if she potentially becomes a Dark Urge AU version of herself in the future haha. Writing fanfic has been so freeing because I can just DO that if i want to. My character can be fluid. There are no rules. Hells yeah.)

*(I came up with her name before I even got the game, and so her name being in the main theme song makes it seem cheesy but I don't care lol)