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L: Several hours of ups and downs and all arounds (mostly downs) later and we'd arrived at Hairy Scary Rock: a twenty meter tall stalagmite which stands in a massive chamber.
"That is an ugly rock, says Maraja, "Its shape is... yonic?"
"Stop gawking and keep moving," says Ling, "We can't stop here."
"Why?" asks Maraja, condensing vapor for her to drink, "What's here?"
"Stop using that spell," Ling pulls a bottle out of her little magic pouch, "Use this."
J: Always with the bottles, Mum. L: Hydration👏 is 👏 important!
"What's the harm?" Maraja continues using her spell almost spitefully. "And what's here?" she asks again, irate.
The ground begins to shake. Ling seethes, "Creatures that are drawn to changes in the air and water." The rumbling nears.
"Iss thhat a giant worm?" Kalyani readies her staff as the tremors intensify.
"Giant worm," Ling nods.
D: Giant worm!? L: Giant worm.
On command, the giant worm bursts from the ground. It's thick dark grey hide etched with purple scars. It is about twenty-four meters long and three meters wide. It's open maw spews forth purple goo which the trio scatter to dodge.
"Strewth, a purple-stuffy!" shouts Ling, "Watch it, that goop is highly basic."
D: What does basic mean? L: Usually it means it's slippery and can burn you very badly.
Maraja draws her sword and readies herself, as the beast slides along the ground. She dodges its maw as it lunges and cleaves her blade through its side. A mix of blood and goop bleeds from the writhing mass. She resists the urge to blast the slime away with water.
Kalyani dodges the worm's venomous stinger tail and fires a bolt of electricity into it. This barely phases it. "Any idea what it'ss weak to?" she asks.
"No idea," says Ling, pulling a tuning fork from her pouch, "But I got this!"
As the creature lunges at the wizard, she slaps it in the side of its face with the fork while rolling past it. The worm's jaw spasms and it begins convulsing.
L: I call that spell "Nervous Veer"; it disrupts the target's nervous system, redirecting body commands all over the place. Try to bend your arm and twist your foot instead.
Maraja runs forth and brings her blade down upon the creature's slack-jawed face. The creature brain oozes out of it's open head. The body continues to squirm about.
D: EEEWWW!
"Shhield your eyess," shouts Kalyani, as she lights the entire area it occupies in holy flames. "BURN! DIE! BEGONE!" In a blink, it's roasted. A bitter aroma fills the air.
In the calm, the trio reunite a safe distance from the corpse.
"Anyone harmed?" asks the priestess, "Do you need aid, dearss?"
"Clean as I came in."
"I'm fine, but- Gross, it's so sticky," says Maraja, using a cloth to wipe her sword clean. "Why was that thing here?"
"These are their breeding grounds," says Ling, preparing to rant.
Maraja began marching suddenly. "Let's get the hell out of here."
"F*****g right" says Ling, suddenly calm again, "We can roast your a**e later."
In total darkness, Ling drops Kalyani's bag and skitters off. "Hold on," she says, "I know it's around here." There's a tapping and creak. A dull light enters the chamber. Ling now stands by a small open door filled with glowing stones. "Great to see ya, again."
Maraja rolls her eyes, then turns her attention elsewhere. The chamber opens into three tunnels, but the small stone structure Ling stands beside has several metal pods attached to its sides. "What is that?"
"Just my current experiment," says Ling, "These pods contain different crops and the paneling shifts over time like the sun." She skitters up onto the building to a valve. "By turning this once a week, it keeps going 'round."
"Are thhosse dangerouss?" asks Kalyani, slithering away and roots through her bag.
"Defo!" says Ling, "With too many, anyway. Like standing in the sun." As Kalyani pulls a torch from her bag and lights it, Ling shuts her door and joins the duo in the center of the chamber. "So, who knows the way to go?"
"Her loving eyes will guide us," say Maraja. She fall to her knees and prays, "Dearest Vanessa, please, show us, on what path did Kirono head?"
A flaming eye suddenly appears in a tunnel and vanishes further in.
J: The gods did something? Hah. L: Two of her followers asked on a quest she assigned one to. J: ... L: We can talk about Vanessa later, Jevoi.
Ling licks her eyes. "South, toward Vrow territory."
"Oh, great," Kalyani shakes her head and takes out a staff, "The worshhiperss of Lmaoth." She conjures a new floating disc.
"Don't jinx it, mate," says Ling, hoisting the bag back on to it.
J: Can you just skip to the castle? L: What? But the purple-stuffed worm- and the tuning fork. D: I want to hear about the worm! J: Fine, just the interesting parts of spelunk. L: I'll do.
"She will protect us," says Maraja, standing, "She will protect us. Let us go forth!" She marches into the tunnel.
"Is this the way into the Underdank?" asks a tall, lanky knight in shining armor. Her voice is a shrill whisper, but upbeat. The green spiral symbol on her shield marks her as a follower of Freegh, the Goddess of Life.
Bobbobo the guard's eyes shift back into focus. At a glance, he may have mistaken her for a tallgoblin, but her large hooked nose and long skinny neck weren't like anyone he'd seen before. Her legs are more cat than goblin, too. Perhaps that is why he hadn't heard her approach. These thoughts occupy his mind for barely a second before he discards them. "Yes," he says, back to business, "Reason for leaving?"
M: She has a striking figure. She's as beautiful as she is kind. But she has a nasty habit of sneaking off, vanishing into darkness.
"I've been tasked with locating the Shadow Queen," says the knight, pumping her fist, "This is the closest entrance to her fortress... I think."
"Time to return, knight?" asks Bobbobo.
"I... hadn't thought about... that?" The knight turns around. "Do I need to know that?"
"No."
YL: Wait, I may have seen your mate.
M: You saw her? You met Kirono?
K: I thhink I did, too. Jusst briefly.
YL: Last week, yeah? Kee-RAW-naw? Cute name.
Before Kirono can speak, a bell rings out from within the dome behind the guard. He claps the fingers of his right hand against its palm, then slaps the dome. The magic barrier become translucent revealing the entrance to the Underdank. "Welcome back, Ling." He does not turn to face the gecko climbing out of the hole.
"G'day, Bob," says Ling, who looks up to the knight, "And ya too, sheila. Love to chat, but I've work to do." She races into the nearby building.
Kirono bends her neck ninety degrees and peers into the hole. She whistles. "That's... not the angle I was expecting."
"Four hundred metres straight down," recites Bobbobo, "The Township of Rankedge 'olds no responsibility for your safety. It is advised not to enter the Underdank." He eyes Kirono without turning his head. "Especially alone."
"I'll be fine," says Kirono, proudly, "I'm a wayang, I was born down there."
"Be careful down there," says Bobbobo.
Seeing the guards apathy, Kirono hesitates. "Maaaaaybe I should tell someone where I'm going first," she says, "Where's the... post office?"
M: I received a letter from her five days ago and- Oh, the ground. Thank you, both of you.
YL: No worries, mate.
K: Now, where shhould we sstart looking, dear?
Down into the darkness the party did travel, climbing down by hand. One of Kalyani's staves carried a spell that allowed Maraja to imitate Ling's natural climbing.
"Do you really do thhiss every week?" asks Kalyani, carrying her entire weight on her hands alone, "Care to ssay why, dear?"
"Plant research," says Ling, climbing slow enough to keep pace while also carrying the priestess' bag, "I'm experimenting with biolumies in the Cave."
"Bio loomies?" asks Kalyani.
"Rocks and shrooms that glow down there," says Ling, "Trying to find a way to farm in the dark."
"For what purposse?" asks Kalyani, "The food crississ issn't from lack of light."
J: It is odd that you started there. L: Well, it's all I could afford at the time.
"If food can grow in the Caves," answers Ling, "That's a reason to get those b*****ds down there to stop raiding other parts of the Glow."
"Iss thhat why you moved here?" asks Kalyani, "And from where?"
"From Ozzel," says Ling, "Went to Lemonbum's Wiz School. Thought my accent would make it obvy. Where ya from, Sister? Ya don't sound local either."
"Her eyess led me here from thhe cloudss of Shheshhaparvata," says Kalyani, her voice more melodic, "Every few yearss, I-"
"Breathhe, dear," says Kalyani, "Move one limb at a time."
The light from above suddenly ceases to be; Bobbobo had closed the dome.
J: Why didn't you have any light with you? L: Ya think seeing how far down it was would help? Or seeing the light be swallowed by the abyss? The temptation of looking down would've killed her. J: Point taken.
"Mate, panicking is just making ya slower," says Ling, "Which means ya're up here longer. I'd be bottomside already if I weren't watching ya. Remember why ya're here."
"Then I'll jump after ya," says Ling, "I'm a wizard; I've a spell to save ya."
"If I use it too soon, it won't work."
"Remember, what shhe ssaid yessterday," says Kalyani, "Disstractsion. Tell uss more about thhiss lady we're following."
"Okay, okay," says Maraja, trying to calm her breath, "I can... do that."
The two blessed women approach the house of Dr. Ling. The nagi priestess, Kalyani, wearing a leather jerkin and cloth shirt, and the undine champion, Maraja, clad in her armor, both carry the vertical eye icon of Vanessa; Kalyani's on a pendant and Maraja's on her shield.
"Are you sure this is the place?" asks Maraja at the sight of the windowless brick building, "And where is this hole?"
"Look at the ssign," says Kalyani as she points to the plaque by the door, "Food Wizzard; thhiss musst be herss."
Before they can knock, the door swings inward, "G'day, mates," says the gecko clad in dark leather armor and a new (equally ratty) wig, "Ready for the Hole?" She pats the small bag tied to the base of her tail. "Ya do have supplies, right?"
"Yess, dear," says Kalyani, who points to a large bag sitting on the floating disc behind her, "Tent, food, water, sspell sstavess, everythhing we'll need."
"Where's your's, wavey?" asks Ling, eyeing the champion.
"I'm so grateful that you are both taking this seriously," says Maraja, "But don't we have enough?"
L: Can you believe that? Sheila's on the quest unprepared, but the nun's ready in a day.
"Ya ever been to the Underdank?" asks Ling, "There's barely any water, the temperature alternates between extremes, and everything edible is poisonous, ravenous, and/or explosive."
"That-"
"And further on are the gravity waves and seismic shifts, so the whole thing can rearrange while you're down there."
"I unde-"
"And the b*****ds living there: orc barbarians, Vrow huntresses, dweorg slavers, kobold pranksters-"
"I GET IT!" shouts Maraja, "Everything is deadly and terrible, but I can make water." She raises her sword and says, "And I can handle monsters." She swings and points it. "If you can guide me through the caves."
L: I knew it was going to be a hard quest, this one.
"Sister," says Ling to Kalyani, "Anything to say?"
The priestess shakes her head and the two head toward a blue dome about fifty meters away. The champion races after them.
Stationed there stands a smallgoblin in blue leather. His gaze is unfocused as he chews on the end of a wooden stick, its tip alight. The sound of footsteps drags his attention back to reality. "'Ello, Ling," he says, dry.
J: Is that how Mr. Snarbly was back then? L: People tend to be happier not standing near a death pit for eight hours a day. J: I'm glad he quit then. You taking his job at least made someone's life better.
"G'day, Bob," says Ling, expectantly waiting for the guard to open the gate.
He grasps the twig between a pair of fingers. "Reason for leaving?" His voice remains unemotive.
"Right," says Ling, "Different today. On a rescue." She jerks her head toward Kalyani. "There with me."
"Morning, Bobbobo," says Kalyani, as Maraja catches up, "May we pass?"
"Time to return, Sister?" He returns the twig to his mouth.
"Dunno," says Ling, "Maybe days."
Bobbobo claps the fingers of his right hand against its palm, then slaps the dome. The magic barrier become translucent revealing a large hole in the ground with a twenty meter diameter. "Be careful down there."
D: Oh, that's the hole outside! L: Yeah, same one. D: What happened to the dome? L: No one's around to maintain it. J: No one's around to fall into it.
"That's the way in?" asks Maraja, "How far does that go?"
"Four hundred metres straight down," recites Bobbobo, "The Township of Rankedge 'olds no responsibility for your safety. It is advised not to enter the Underdank."
"How are we to go down that?" asks the woman in platemail.
Ling wiggles her exposed fingers and toes. "Well, I'm climbing," she says, "But you could ride that disc."
J: Please, tell me she tried that. L: Nah, smart enough to avoid it. J: Shame.
"I do have a few sspellss to sspare," says Kalyani, adjusting her gloves, "The shhrine had thesse sspider glovess in sstorage."
The smallgoblin blinks slowly. "When you return-"
"Ring the bell. I know," says Ling, "We do this every week, Bob."
As the pair begin healing Ling, she attempts to laugh only to cough up charred pieces of her tongue.
"You're a loon," says Maraja, channeling her energy into the roast gecko's chest, "Truly mad."
"Horrifying," says Kalyani, "Yet captivating." She holds the sides of Ling's head, forcing life through her.
"I'm number three," says Ling, weakly, "I am number three." Runes begin tearing open her burnt skin.
The champion runs her hand through her liquid hair and begins rubbing the nearest arm. "Why is that your focus?" She scraps and the skin peels away. "Do you have any idea how long a list that even is?"
"At least three," says Ling. Her voice returning, she yells a spell and a new leg erupts from the scorched stump. "Important rule for keeping patient's calm and out of pain: distraction. Think about anything else." Dr. Ling sits up with enough force to fling the rest of the dead skin off of her front.
"You're a doctor?" asks Kalyani, "I thhought you were jusst the town drunk."
Ling hops up and shakes the rest of her old self onto the floor. "Of biochemistry, but close enough," she says, naked as a hatchling, "Meet me at my place tomorrow morn." She begins running toward the door. "It's the brick house by the Hole."
L: Crazy that she vaporized my clothes. D: Why would she do that? L: Like I said, it was boring adult stuff. Don't mind it. D: But how does- J: Gods are weird, Dalini. They did things like that all the time.
"What's the hole?" asks Maraja.
"I believe shhe meant the entrancce to the Underdank," responds Kalyani, commanding a small wind with a gesture to blow the ashes out. "I can shhow you thhere. Do you need a placce to sstay for thhe night?"
The chamber for Vanessa is as white as the rest of the shrine, but with a splash of color upon the pulpit coming through the stained glass window depicting the goddess' most common appearance: six winged eyes encircling a larger one, all wreathed in golden flame and squished as if concealed by unseen eyelids. A stack of prayer mats are tucked in the corner by the door. The altar stands less than a meter in front of the pulpit; it's supports resemble a bed frame decorated with engravings of the goddess' eyes with inset jewels for their pupils.
As Maraja approaches the altar, Ling slips up to the pulpit and stares into the window. Maraja and Kalyani begin praying and the eyes of glass give a brief twinkle.
L: Weren't really listening to what they were saying. It didn't look like it was working anyway, so, after ten minutes or so, I joined in as respectfully as I could.
"Oi, ya heavenly b*****d!" yells Ling, "Your girls need your help. Get down here!"
Kalyani gasps in shock.
"Hold your tongue," says Maraja, "You can't act like that here."
L: Though, my wizardly ways were less than appreciated.
Ling pounds on palms onto the pulpit persistently. "Ya dumb b***c," she yells again, "We came to see you."
L: And maybe the drink had its say too.
The blessed women grab Ling and attempt to pull her from the room. She clings on, yelling at the window.
"Thhiss behaviour iss unaccceptable," says Kalyani, "You are more likely to incur divine wrathh thhan aid."
L: But it worked.
A bright light fills the room as the goddess Vanessa emerges from the glass, her eyes and wings shimmering and a weaving of colors spirals behind her.
L: I'll never forget what we first said to each other. I told her, "Your radiance is blinding."
"Hey, ya glowing c**t," shouts Ling, desperately covering her unblinking eyes with her hands, "The room's white as snow, ya drongo!"
L: I doubt any mortal's said anything like that to her.
J: You expect to believe she knew you already? L: Why wouldn't she? Of course, the Love Goddess'd heard of me. J: And you're proud of that? D: What are you talking about?
"Are ya going to help her or not?" asks Ling, her voice as flat as someone investigated by a blind elephant.
"I heard ya," says the wizard, "Ya can deal with me after ya help your champion rescue her girlfriend." She licks her eyes and resumes staring into the largest of Vanessa's.
Maraja resists correcting this statement, too afraid to speak in the presence of an angry god.
L: Angry's overselling it; irate, maybe?
L: It's an odd question, right? Took me a second to get it. Why wouldn't she just strike me down without being there?
"Ah, I see," says Ling, "This is a trial, right? Gods love trials. Ya already said ya knew me."
L: So we did a trial and I passed. D: What was the trial? L: Oh, uh, it was just some questions to prove... that I understood- understood... the concept of love. J: ... L: Shut up, Jevoi. That trial took several hours. Several long, glo- I mean, long, tedious hours.
The town of Rankedge's only shrine serves most gods, but the town's main patron, the smallgoblin war (and fire) god Shooty-quickly, is one of the few to have a statue. His depiction as a spry warrior stands atop the marble pyramid facing toward the hole into the Underdank. His drawn arrow's flame endures in any weather and serves as a beacon from anywhere in town. The other gods are depicted on stained glass windows on every tier of the structure, all with their own altar rooms. The structure is seven stories tall with two sets of doors on each and the grand stairway up them is flanked by ramps.
Ling leads Maraja up and into the complex's third floor and around a corner and around another corner and then, just to be different around a third corner.
L: I hadn't really been to the shrine before, so...
"Do you even know where you're going?" asks the bitter paladin as they pass the door she suspects they originally entered.
"Do ya?" snipes back the wizard, her attention stuck on the window of another open room they pass.
"I don't live here!" whisper-shouts Maraja, glancing about for parishioners.
L: It took a bit.
After wandering blindly for half an hour, the two finally meet a priestess who is reaffirming the magic runes giving the marble corridors their soft lighting.
L: The nagi was stretching herself to the ceiling so far that her tunic weren't covering those golden scales on her tail end. Her elven-esque skin was the same seductive shade too and that long braid of hair... oh, it was shaped like a smaller snake.
D: Was she one of your sleep friends, too? L: That's no- J: Sleep friends? You really haven't changed. L: That's not what it sounds like. We can talk about that later. J: Dalini, do Nana Ling's sleep friends ever sound like they're in pain? L: TALK! 👏 'BOUT! 👏 LATER!
"Hey, would ya know where the love room is?" asks Ling.
"She means the altar of Vanessa," quickly corrects Maraja.
"You're on the wrong floor, dearss," says the priestess, "Let me shhow you to the sstairss."
J: Why are you talking like that? Racist. L: It's how she talked. It's not racist, it's a lisp. J: Then, why are mocking her lisp?
The priestess leads them down around a corner and slithers up a ramp next to the stairs in the stairwell in the center of the shrine. The duo follow her up as quietly as they can with Maraja's armor clanking every step.
"The goddesss Vanesssa'ss altar iss on the fifthh floor," says the priestess gently, "Nexx time, you shhould enter from thhere."
"I'll be sure to remember that," says Maraja, "Sister...?"
"Kalyani," answers the nagi, "Priesstesss of Vanesssa, in fact."
"Sounds like I should be converting," mutters Ling to herself from behind the faithful as Maraja introduces them.
Sitting in a tavern, a gecko in a ratty wig sits alone at a booth in the rear. Dressed in a red shawl and leggings, she swirls her drink while watching the crowd hounding the flame-haired bartender. He pours, shakes, and passes drinks in an effortless dance.
L: It was a few months after I moved here to Rankedge. I's at Libby's having a pint.
J: Of course, you were. You were always at Libby's. So glad that place burned down.
L: How can ya say that? Weren't ya friends with Jr.?
J: Yes, and she hated working there. She didn't want to be saddled by her dead dad's dream.
Her wandering gaze is suddenly pulled by the sound of the door. A knight in shiny armor steps inside, looking about. The gecko slips out of her seat and sneaks across the tavern.
L: She looked like a scaly elf. A real beauty, too: skin blue like lapis and hair of water. Too soft in the face and too fancy a suit to have seen much action.
Ignored by most of the drinkers, the knight makes her way to the bounty board and attempts to pin her own parchment to it. "Come on," she says, "Get in there you... tack."
L: Naturally, I had to take a chance.
D: Were you always looking to help people, Nana Ling?
L: Y-yeah, I'd been helping everyone and their mum.
"Problem, mate?" asks the gecko, taking the page, "Going questabout, eh?" Her eyes dart back and forth from it and it's poster.
"Yes," says the knight, annoyed by the audacity, "But I have need of a guide into the Underdank." She looks the gecko over. "Doubt you'd be of any help."
L: The undine was in pursuit of her missing "roommate" from St. Chastity's. And ya know how the girls from there are.
J: St. Chastity's School for Lady Paladins?
L: The very same. Never been a straight lady in that building.
"Well, ya'd be wrong," says the gecko, "Name's Dr. Ling, local wizard and probo'solver." She hand the page back. "If your mate's up a gumtree, I can help. Ya got a name, lovely?"
"Maraja," says the knight, placing her fist over her heart, "Champion of Vanessa."
J: Vanessa? Really?
D: Who's that? Do you know her too?
L: I'm getting to that. Hold on.
"Champion? Then why ya looking for aid in a pub?" asks Ling, "We got a shrine up the way." She tilts her head at Marja's continued distrust. "At least let me show ya that far."
Maraja sighs, "Sure then." She shoves her paper into her bag. "Lead the way."
Here's a sneak preview!
- Step Two: How to Make Friends With Pretty Girls Without Being Awkward