englishjanitorfish-blog

Latest Posts by englishjanitorfish-blog

fuuccccckkkkk

So my friend is an acting major looking to get into broadway stuff, so she’s been doing a lot of voice training. Usually she does covers of broadway songs, but sometimes she gets bored and decides to sing other things.

She did a cover of “Smells Like Teen Spirit” and her voice coach liked it so much he liked mixed it and everything and it sounds great.

ᴿᴱᴬᴰ ᵀᴴᴱ ᶜᴼᴹᴵᶜ ᴵᵀ'ˢ ᴾᴿᴱᵀᵀᵞ ᴳᴼᴼᴰ

The Tiger in the Hills is an excellent horror comic that I recommend. It’s pretty short and does contain mild graphic content. (English Translation) (Compilation of Creepy Comics) 

SnK Crack Theory Week Day 1: Historical Monday

Ymir Fritz, commonly referred to as progenitor of all Titans, is one of the most important characters in SnK. Her actions brought about the story as we know it today. It all started when she came upon “the source of all organic material” and consequently made a deal with the devil, which obtained her the power of the titans. However not much is not about her aside from a short origin story and the fact that she died 13 years after receiving the Founding Titan (this is later named the “Curse of Ymir”). Questions like what did she do in those 13 years before her untimely death, how much of her memories have been seen by the current titan shifters and has anyone actually died from the “Curse of Ymir” have been bothering the fans for ages, and yet  the answer is quite simple.

Ymir Fritz is a lizard.

Now I know what you’re thinking: Bro what? But hear me out.

There are many similarities between the reptiles and Ymir, such as appearance. Lizards have typically long bodies and small faces. And what does she look like, you ask? Well she’s got a pretty slender figure and small face, just as lizards do.

There is however the issue of the lizards’ tail that needs to be addressed, but there is a simple solution to that too. Notice how in all of her pictures she is always shown from the front and never from the back? It’s almost as if she was hiding something. The only picture of her that we have which isn’t from the front is the one above.

See how there is a bit of a bump in her dress right below her back? That is a clear indication that she is indeed hiding her tail underneath her clothing.

To further prove my theory,  the reason why no one knows what she did in those 13 years is because she didn’t do anything. Lizards spend their days sun-bathing on rocks, hunting for food or waiting for it to come their way, meaning she spent her days lounging around and wasting her titan power for hunting dem juicy spiders. Another simple solution to a complicated question is that her death was actually not because of a curse, rather it was from old age.

And in conclusion I present to you photogenic evidence that she is indeed a lizard.

It’s only a matter of time before Isa confirms it himself.

How to Get to Know Your Characters

@lourek asked:

Okay so it’s me again. I have a problem, cuz I really don’t know my characters?? And I’d like to get to know them. I know this might sound stupid, but do you have a masterpost about best ways to get to know your own characters or would you be willing to make one? I’ve noticed that all those “answer these questions” things are pretty useful. Thank you, I still worship you, good bye

Not a stupid question at all!  This is one of the most challenging and important parts of becoming a writer.  Getting to know someone takes time and effort, and characters are no exception. 

So without further ado, here are my go-to techniques for getting to know a character:

1.  Ask yourself these basic questions:

How old are they mentally/spiritually?  Do they have an old soul, or are they a perpetual kid at heart?  Does their personality not coincide with their physical age? 

What do they care about most in the world?  What would they die for?

What are their interests?  What books, movies, and shows do they read/watch religiously?  What do they geek out over?

What’s the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to them?  Have they told anyone?  If so, who?

On that note, what is one secret they’ve never told anyone?

What was their childhood like?  Was it happy?  Tragic?  Why or why not?

How many relationships do they have?  How have they affected them?

What is their greatest fear?  

What was the best thing that ever happened to them?

What was the worst thing that ever happened to them?

If you had to describe the character in one word, what is the first that comes to mind?

2.  Once that’s done, get nosy.

Empty their pockets, backpack, or purse.  Make a list of everything inside.  What do they always take with them?  Why?

Describe their bedroom.  Is it neat, or messy?  Is it minimalist?  Cluttered?  Are they neat, or messy by nature?  Is there any artwork on the wall, any posters?  Are there lots of books?  A TV?  Stuffed animals?  Be as detailed as you want to be, and think about why your character has these things and what they say about them.  

If they have one, describe their car.  What kind of car do they drive?  How does it correlate with their personality, their career?  Do they keep any photos of loved ones?  Are there lots of fast food containers?

We’ve already touched on this briefly, but think about their books.  Write down at least ten titles on their shelf.  Think about what genres they like, what authors, and why they might enjoy them. 

What kind of movie genres do they like?  What kind of TV shows?  Why do they enjoy them?  Do they have any guilty pleasures that they’d rather anyone not know about?  

Take a look inside their closet.  What kind of clothes do they wear?  What’s their style?  Can they afford the clothes they’d actually like to wear?  Are they preppy?  Is their closet organized, or is it a hot mess?

3.  Get to know the family.

What are their parents like?  Do they have a good relationship?  Are they friends?  Do they just plain suck?  If so, why?

If they don’t have a good relationship with their parents, are there any parental figures that their close with?  What are they like?  

Do they have any siblings?  Are they close?  Are they protective of them, or vice versa?

What is their nationality?  Do they have strong ties to their heritage, or could they care less?

What about their extended family?  Do they have any weird relatives?  (In my opinion, every character should have at least one weird relative.  They are a lot of fun to write.)  

4.   Fill in the details.

Brainstorm random questions about your characters, their likes, dislikes, et cetera.  Here are examples:

What is their favorite food?  

Their favorite beverage?  

Their favorite movie?  

Their favorite book?

Their favorite TV show?

What is their dream job?

Do they keep a journal?

Do they have good handwriting, or is it illegible from excessive note-taking?  

What’s their favorite color?  

What’’s their favorite kind of weather?  Do they like sunny days, or rainy ones?

Can they draw?  Are they artistic in general?

What kind of romantic/sexual partner do they like (if they’re interested in that sort of thing at all)?  Do they have a ‘type?’    

What would their ideal date be (even just with friends)?  Do they like generic dinner and movie-type stuff, or do they favor museums and plays? 

What would their ideal afternoon look like?

Do they prefer TV or books?

Are they introverted or extroverted?  Do they hate social gatherings, or thrive on them?  Do they relish in alone time?

Coffee or tea?

Cats or dogs? 

Do they eat breakfast?  If so, what?

What’s their opinion on pineapple pizza? 

5.  Fill out some character sheets.

Simple character sheets are a great way to fill in the gaps and get to know your character.  Though there are quite a few floating around on my favorite blogs, but here are a few examples:

There’s a “lazy person’s” character sheet here.

There’s a “how to create a memorable character” sheet here.

And there’s a “no effort” character sheet here.

Of course, the only way to truly get to know your character is to write about them.  You never know how they’ll develop until you get going, and once you do, they’ll never cease to surprise you.  Characters truly do gain lives of their own, so don’t give up and keep writing. 

And in the meantime, I hope this helps!  <3

some fucking resources for all ur writing fuckin needs

body language masterlist

a translator that doesn’t eat ass like google translate does

a reverse dictionary for when ur brain freezes

550 words to say instead of fuckin said

638 character traits for when ur brain freezes again

some more body language help 

Types of Divination Masterpost

A

Abacomancy: by dust or sand

Acultomancy: by needles

Aeromancy: by atmospheric conditions

Agalmatomancy: by statues

Aichmomancy: by sharp objects

Alectormancy: by rooster sacrifice

Aleuromancy: by flour

Alomancy: by salt

Alphitomancy: by barley

Alveromancy: by sound

Ambulomancy: by walking

Anemoscopy: by wind

Anthomancy: by flowers

Anthracomancy: by burning coals

Anthropomancy: by human sacrifice

Anthroposcopy: by physical appearance

Apantomancy: by chance encounters with animals

Arachomancy: by spiders

Archnomancy: by sacred relics

Ariolation: by altars

Arithmancy: by assigning numerical value to a word or phrase

Armomancy: by one’s own shoulders

Aruspicina: by studying entrails

Aspidomancy: by sitting in a drawn circle

Astrapomancy: by lightning

Astrology: by celestial bodies

Auramancy: by auras

Axiomancy: bu axes

B

Batraquomancy: by frogs

Belomancy: by arrows

Beltonism: by water current

Botanomancy: by burning sage or figs

Brontomancy: by thunder

Bumpology: by bumps on the skin

C

Canomancy: by dogs

Capnomancy: by smoke

Carromancy: by melting wax

Cephaleonomancy: by boiling a donkey’s head

Ceraunoscopy: by thunder and lightning

Ceromancy: by dripping wax in water

Chalcomancy: by striking gongs

Chaomancy: by aerial visions

Chartomancy: by things on paper

- Cartomancy: by cards

- Taromancy: by tarot

- Bibliomancy: by the Bible

- Stichomancy: by books

- Aleuromancy: by fortune cookies

- Stoicheomancy: by the Iliad and the Odyssey

Choriomancy: by pig bladders

Chresmomancy: by the ravings of lunatics

Clamancy: by cries heard in crowds or at night

Cledonism: by chance events or overheard words

Cleidomancy: by keys

Cleromancy: by casting

- Astragalomancy: by dice

- Domino Divination: by dominos

- Favomancy: by beans

- Runecasting: by runes

Cometomancy: by comet tails

Colormancy: by colors

Conchomancy: by shells

Cottabomancy: by wine in a brass bowl

Cromnyomancy: by onion sprouts

Cryptomancy: by omens

Cryomancy: by ice

Cyathomancy: by cups

Cycolicomancy: by swirling water in a cup

Cyclomancy: by wheels

D

Dactyliomancy: by finger rings

Dactylomancy: by finger movements

Daphnomancy: by burning laurel wreaths

Demonomancy: by demons

Dendromancy: by trees

Dictiomancy: by randomly opening a dictionary

Dowsing: by diving rod

Dracomancy: by dragons

Dririmancy: by dripping blood

Drimimancy: by body fluids

E

Electromancy: by electricity

Eleomancy: by oil

Entomomancy: by insects

Eromancy: by water vessels exposed to air

Extispicy: by the remains of sacrificed animals

F

Fructomancy: by fruits

G

Gastromancy: by guttural sounds

Geomancy: by earth

Geloscopy: by laughter

Gematria: by the Hebrew alphabet

Genethlialogy: by birth date

Graphology: by studying handwriting

Gyromancy: by dizziness

H

Hagiomancy: by saints

Hematomancy: by blood

Hepatoscopy: by liver

Hydratomancy: by rainwater

Hyomancy: by wild hogs

Hypnomancy: by sleep

I

Ichthyomancy: by footprints

Idolomancy: by idols

Iridology: by eye colors

K

Knissomancy: by incense

L

Labiomancy: by lips

Lampadomancy: by flame

Letnomancy: by secrets

Lithomancy: by gems or stones

Logarithmancy: by logarithms

Lychnomancy: by candles

M

Macharomancy: by swords or knives

Macromancy: by large objects

Maculomancy: by spots on the skin

Margaritomancy: by bouncing pearls

Mathemancy: by mathematics

Mazomancy: by breast feeding

Megapolisomancy: by large cities

Metagnomy: by magic

Meteormancy: by meteors

Metoposcopy: by forehead lines

Micromancy: by small objects

Molybdomancy: by molten metals

Moromancy: by foolishness

N

Necromancy: by speaking to the dead

Necyomancy: by summoning damned souls

Nephomancy: by clouds

Notarikon: by initials

Numerology: by numbers

Numismatomancy: by coins

O

Oculomancy: by eyes

Odontomancy: by teeth

Oenomancy: by wine

Ololygmancy: by the howling of dogs

Omphalomancy: by navels

Oneiromancy: by dreams

Onomancy: by letters in a name

Onychomancy: by fingernails or toenails

Oomancy: by eggs

Oromancy: by mountains

Oryctomancy: by minerals

Osteomancy: by bones

Ouija: by Ouija boards

P

Pallomancy: by pendulums

Palmistry: by the palms of hands

Papyromancy: by folding paper

Pegomancy: by fountains

Pessomancy: by pebbles

Phobomancy: by feelings of fear

Photomancy: by fields of light

Phrenology: by the configuration of one’s brain

Phyllomancy: by leaves

- Sycomancy: by fig leaves

- Tasseography: by tea leaves

Phyllorhodomancy: by rose petals

Physiognomy: by faces

Phytognomy: by the appearance of plants

Pneumancy: by blowing

Poe Divination: by throwing stones on the floor

Portenta: by natural phenomena

Pseudomancy: by false means

Ptarmoscopy: by sneezes

Pyromancy: by fire

R

Retromancy: by looking over one’s shoulder

Rhabdomancy: by rods or sticks

Rhapsodomancy: by poetry

Roadomancy: by constellations

S

Scarpomancy: by old shoes

Scatomancy: by excrement

Sciomancy: by shadows or spirits

Scrying: by gazing

- Crystal gazing: by reflective objects

- Gastromancy: by crystal ball

- Hydromancy: by water

- Catroptromancy: by mirrors

Selenomancy: by the moon

Shufflemancy: by electronic playlist

Sideromancy: by burning straw with an iron

Skatharomancy: by beetle tracks

Solaromancy: by the sun

Somatomancy: by the human form

- Cephalomancy: by skulls

- Podomancy: by the sole’s of one’s feet

- Rumpology: by buttocks

Spasmatomancy: by convulsions

Spodomancy: by soot

- Libanomancy: by incense ash

- Tephramancy: by tree bark ash

Stareomancy: by the four elements

Stercomancy: by seeds in bird excrement

Stolisomancy: by fashion

Styramancy: by patterns in chewing gum

Symbolomancy: by things found on the road

T

Technomancy: by technology

Theriomancy: by animal behaviors

Thumomancy: by one’s own soul

Topomancy: by geography or geological formations

Transataomancy: by things accidentally seen of heard

Trochomancy: by wheel ruts

Turifumy: by shapes in smoke

Tyromancy: by cheese

U

Umbilicomancy: by umbilical cords

Umbromancy: by shade

Uranomancy: by the sky

Uromancy: by urine

Urticariaomancy: by itches

V

Videomancy: by films

X

Xenomancy: by strangers

Xylomancy: by the shape or texture of wood

Z

Zygomancy: by weights

I once woke up to find that I had fallen out of bed. My brother said that I tried to eat the table then I got startled by the taste and screamed.

so i fell asleep at my desk for a few seconds and woke up abruptly to the thought “WHO CARES!? THESE ARE ASSLESS CHAPS!!!” burning through my mind

i dont understand

if tumblr was ever deleted do you think all these people would go back to normal? like return to their original gender instead of pretending to be a spacegender, polysexual, unicorn kin.

me when i enter a room

I think one of the reasons the Harry Potter Epilogue was so poorly received was because the audience was primarily made up of the Millennial generation.

We’ve walked with Harry, Ron and Hermione, through a world that we thought was great but slowly revealed itself to be the opposite. We unpeeled the layers of corruption within the government, we saw cruelty against minorities grow in the past decades, and had media attack us and had teachers tell us that we ‘must not tell lies’. We got angry and frustrated and, like Harry, Ron and Hermione, had to think of a way to fight back. And them winning? That would have been enough to give us hope and leave us satisfied.

But instead. There was skip scene. And suddenly they were all over 30 and happy with their 2.5 children.

And the Millennials were left flailing in the dust.

Because while we recognised and empathised with everything up to that point. But seeing the Golden Trio financially stable and content and married? That was not something our generation could recognise. Because we have no idea if we’re ever going to be able to reach that stage. Not with the world we’re living in right now.

Having Harry, Ron and Hermione stare off into the distance after the battle and wonder about what the future might be would have stuck with us. Hell, have them move into a shitty flat together and try and sort out their lives would have. Have them with screaming nightmares and failed relationships and trying to get jobs in a society that’s falling apart would have. Have them still trying to fix things in that society would have. Because we known Voldemort was just a symptom of the disease of prejudice the Wizarding World.

But don’t push us off with an ‘all was well’. In a world about magic, JK Rowling finally broke our suspension of disbelief by having them all hit middle-class and middle-age contentment and expecting a fanbase of teenagers to accept it.

Also. Since when was ‘don’t worry kids, you’re going to turn out just like your parents’ ever a happy ending? Does our generation even recognise marriage and money and jobs as the fulfillment of life anymore? Does our generation even recognise the Epilogue’s Golden Trio anymore?

need refs/inspo for period clothing?

here you go:

Medieval (9th-15th century):

10th century and earlier

Romance (1000-1250)

11th century

12th century

13th century

more 13th century

14th century

more 14th

15th century

and more 15th century

Gothic (1150-1550)

Renaissance (1520-1650)

16th & 17th century

16th century

more 16th

Tudors (1500-1550)

more Tudors

Elizabethan Period (1558-1603)

Jacobean Era (1603-1625)

17th century

more 17th century

and again

and even more

this won’t stop

Baroque (1600-1750)

Georgian Period (1714-1830):

18th century

more 18th century

18th century women’s fashion

18th century men’s fashion

Rococo (1720-1770)

Classicism (1770-1790)

children 18th-19th century

Regency Preiod (1811-1820)/ Empire (1800-1820s):

1790-1820s

more stuff on regency and georgian era

even more

that’s not enough regency

and more

how is there so much

early 19th century men’s wear

early 19th century women’s wear

Victorian Period (1837-1901):

Romantic Era (1820-1840s)

Civil War Era/1850-1860s

1870-1890s

more victorian

Edwardian Period (1901-1910):

1900-1910s

Belle Epoque (1880-1910s)

more edwardian/belle époque

Modern:

1910s-1920s [Fashion between the World Wars]

1920s

more roaring 20s

so much 20s

1920s hairstyles

1930s

1930-1940s

1930-1950s

1950s

more 50s

1960s

1960-1970s

1980s

lots of periods in one spot/fashion through centuries:

here, here, and here is almost everything (and properly ordered)

also here with lots of historic fashion magazines

100 years of beauty (includes lots of other cultures too!)

historic fashion

costumes of antiquity

more historical clothing

history of fashion

more history of fashion

“vintage” clothing

historic costumes

children’s historical fashion/toys

details

historic wedding dresses

historic assecoires (hats, shoes…)

hats

masks

parasols

lots of embroidery/jewlery

it indeed is western/european centric, I’m sorry for that, but for other cultures I simply don’t have so many references

ALSO note that most of the pictures show historical clothing from the upper classes or more festive clothing of the lower/working class because normal working clothes wouldn’t survive for such a long time, and the clothes were often re-used over and over again!

oh my god, please take 3 seconds out of your day to watch this.

‘There are no women in video games!’

‘Women in video games are always sexualized!’

‘If their main outfit isn’t sexualized, their alternate costumes are!’

‘Women in sports games never wear appropriate clothes! They just wear sexy outfits!’

‘Women are always damsels in distress and never know how to fight!’

‘Women in games are never allowed to be feminine!’

‘Women can never be main characters in games!’

‘And if they are, the ratings are never good!’

‘Women in games can only be masculine, they can’t use feminine attributes to their advantage!’

‘Women are never valuable party members!’

‘Women in video games are only interested in male partners or friends!’

‘Women in video games always dress as men, but men in video games never dress as women!’

‘No one ever likes a woman in a video game!’

‘Women in video games -’

Princess Peach has got you covered.

It’s literally called “Curmudgeons”

[x]

That's just both terrifying and interesting.

PLEASE TELL THE CHILDREN THE STORY OF MS. STUBELS

Grace fuck, why would you invoke her name like that???

Okay, fine, gather round children, buckle up because we’re going on a bumpy ride back to everyone’s collective least favorite place: 7th grade.

Some background: I went to a very small Catholic school. One class per grade (we were the largest with 19 kids), everyone knew each other whether they wanted to or not. Despite basically every teacher and faculty members insistence that we were The Best And Most Special Class In The School and that everyone loved having us, the longstanding 7th grade teacher Mrs. O’Hara decided to retire in the summer of 2008, meaning the school had to find us a new teacher for the upcoming year. This would be like, the first new teacher in the school in a while, and as she was getting the ‘best class’, it was viewed as a Big Deal. Somewhere in like July or August we got a letter announcing Mrs. Stubel, and it came with a list of books to pick for the summer reading, and that was basically all the information we had.

So…the first day of class. She seems nice enough. Very…ditsy, I guess? It was very easy for her to get herself off topic while talking. She constantly paced around the room, never staying in one spot for longer than a second, complaining she has restless leg syndrome. Which like, I’m sure she did, but she was in the middle of introducing herself and then went on a 20 minute tangent about restless leg syndrome without anyone prompting her. It was almost like you could see her scattered thoughts flying around her head.

So anyone, she eventually gives somewhat of an introduction- she had only taught in public schools before, and kept worrying she ‘didn’t know’ how to teach in a Catholic school despite the entire class insisting literally nothing was different, you just teach the curriculum, twice a week we have religion class with Sister Mary King, that’s literally it (she still talked over us in worry), she told us about her kids, she told us about her obsession with Emily Dickinson, stuff like that.

And then she hands us this worksheet.

She’s like, “Oh, these are just some basic questions for you to answer! Just so I can get to know you guys better!” like in lieu of an icebreaker game, which is fine, but…the questions. The questions were all “What is your most haunting fear?”, “What is your deepest regret?”, “Have you ever experienced the pain of loss?”, “What was your worst injury?”, “What was your worst nightmare?”, all questions like that, and then on the back she wanted us to draw a gravestone and write out what we wanted our epitaph to be.

We were twelve year olds, mind you.

Oh my God and one girl missed the first day because of her grandmother’s funeral, so when she came the next day and saw what the teacher was insisting she do for homework, she almost had a panic attack? And the lady still made her do it? Literally who wants to think about death anymore at a time like that omfg.

Okay, so then we get to the summer reading book reports, right? Now, she had given a list of maybe, 20 books that you could pick from, read it, and then present an oral report on it. You had to have notecards and you had to be able to answer questions from the class at the end. All in all, I’ve had worse projects.

So, on this list, she apparently put Madeleine L’Engle’s entire book series on the list…only she did not make it known that this was a series and not multiple stand alone books, so when reports started up it caused mass-panic of kids trying to put together plot points and make connections on what the hell they had read.

I was the only kid in the class who had chosen to read “A Wrinkle In Time”, and that has since lead to a series of events that…really actually scares me, I’m still incredibly freaked out, I’m not going to get into it right now because it’ll take away from the current story, but just know that I’m not above wondering if it only happened because I read the book for Stubel.

Anyway, so like, I got through the report okay. The class asking questions about it was fine, but the teacher kept asking questions that didn’t make sense, like, at all. My friend Angie has always had super neat handwriting and Mrs. Stubel got like, obsessed with her notecards and asked if she could borrow them for something. When we got our grades back a few weeks later, Angie had points taken off for not having notecards.

And then her teaching just…didn’t happen. She’d never stay on a topic, she’d always get herself distracted! We were not learning anything. And like, this wasn’t a class of advanced smart kids that loved to learn. By all accounts we should’ve been thrilled. But it got out of hand. It got to points where we had to start teaching lessons to ourselves, asking teacher from other grades for help, always coming home in tears, complaining constantly to our parents and the principal because this woman wasn’t teaching us anything. There were two kids who asked her multiple times for extra help, and she told them each time to ‘talk to me after school’, but then she’d leave immediately after school so they wouldn’t be able to talk to her. They finally brought up the issue in the middle of class and she had a breakdown, yelling about how nobody ever thinks that maybe the teacher has a lot of work to do, and maybe she’s entitled to taking off early, but when we tried to argue she shouldn’t schedule meetings and then break them off in the name of relaxation, she stormed out of the room and tried to get the principal to give us detention. (Which, like, our school didn’t even do, and she was the only one in the wrong during this situation) We are still in September at this point, and already at least ten kids have parents considering transferring them to another school. (And remember, there was only 19 of us, and most of the class had been together since preschool, so that was a big deal).

Then, she starts coming in with all the weird bruises. All the Moms™ immediately started gossiping that her husband had to be beating her, and that’s why she was so screwy in the head. But the way she talked about her husband made it seem like he *might* be dead, and we actually did witness her fall and smack her head into a doorknob once, so no one really knew what to believe. (Also, I’m not trying to imply that abuse would make someone crazy or ‘damaged’ or anything, this is just what was being said. I think they were trying to turn her into a more sympathetic character, because if you feel sorry for her you don’t have to hate her for frustrating your kids so much, and Hate Is A Bad Emotion.)

Also…this woman and Emily Dickinson.

She talked about Emily Dickinson every chance she could get. None of us knew who Emily Dickinson really was before she got there and you could see in her mind it was a capitol offense. She found out the curriculum didn’t have room to cover her (because like, we had a text book), and was way too upset about it. She started reading her poems whenever she found the time (usually somewhere in history class), and always gave us very detailed accounts about her dressing up as Emily and reading her poetry at the library.

Now, two things to note here:

The library did not hire her to do this. She would literally just get in the mood, put on an Emily Dickinson costume that she made by herself, drive to different libraries, and just read poetry out loud to everyone there until someone eventually asked her to leave.

The way she described these events…her tone, the look on her face, her posture…you could just tell that she was getting some sort of sexual gratification out of this? Like dressing up as Emily Dickinson in public and reading her sad poems is really what got this lady’s jollies rocking? Got her all hot and bothered? Which is…a lot, but why would you tell a bunch of seventh graders about it holy shit. What about that sounds like a good idea! What about that turns you back on!

So anyway, we learned a lot about Emily Dickinson against our will.

One of the Davids™ was reading a book for pleasure- which shouldn’t have been a shocker, a lot of kids always had books on them, but Stubel got really interested and asked if she could borrow it from him. He was like ‘sure, after I finish it?’ but she took it that day. He asked her for it back for like five weeks straight.

And…the strudels.

Okay, so the school was trying some dorky thing to promote ~togetherness~ or some virtue or something, I don’t remember the specifics of why, but each class had to make a huge themed poster and hang it on the wall outside the classroom. Which was like, whatever, not the most thrilling project but at least it allowed us to be productive vs just sitting there as the teacher runs about the room rambling about her family vacation from four years ago. Mrs. Stubel decided we needed a quirky nickname and after like three days of deliberation we were christened “Stubel’s Special Strudels”!

(points for alliteration or whatever, but no one actually voted for that and what exactly do strudels have to do with Catholicism? It became a big running joke amongst the kids)

Also, in case you were wondering, she didn’t explain the assignment correctly to us- so every other class had like these beautiful, artistic, well-themed and put together posters, while ours was just…literally a bunch of shit thrown together on paper. Nothing fit with each other, it was literally embarrassing to look at.

But then…she wouldn’t drop the strudel thing. Like she kept bringing it up. She got really into strudels and would just tell us random shit about them. Finally, someone jokes that we should get strudels one day for a party (like instead of a pizza party), and she’s Freaking Out and On Board. She really wants to buy us strudels and have a breakfast party now. She talked about it for like two days straight.

So like… you know in school when you would have a pizza party, usually the teacher would buy it? That’s how they always happened in my experience (not counting the last day of 10th grade when some kid had pizza delivered to the school for lunch but it didn’t get there until math class lol). But especially in grade school? Like if it wasn’t a PTA made party that’s super organized, the school would buy the food, right? Right?

Yeah, so she was like, if this is happening you guys need to give me the money. Just give me the money and then I’ll pick them up on my way to work!! And after some arguing some kids are on board. Strudels should only cost a couple dollars right?

And she’s like, oh no, I’m gonna get them from this high end bakery near my house so it’ll be special, but they’re not cheap and it’ll be a big order! I’m gonna need like fifteen dollars from each of you!

And at this point I’m just like…lady. Come on. 

But she keeps insisting. She’s not gonna go until every student in class pays up.

And I’m like…I’m poor. I don’t even like strudel.  And some of the less-naïve kids are siding with me.

And then she pulls that “you guys are just spoiling all the fun for your classmates” shit, like the naïve kids who already paid up, so it gets to the point where we just gotta cave and give her the money.

(I ended up stealing it out of my Crazy Bitch Aunt’s wallet so it’s whatever, I guess.)

And then of course, shockingly enough, every morning she was met with “where are the strudels?” and every morning she went wide eyed, slapped her forehead and yelled in embarrassed horror “I totally forgot! Tomorrow, guys, I promise!”

Honestly, with how scatterbrained and confused she always was…like to this day I can’t tell you with 100% certainty whether she hustled us or was just actually forgetting about the damn pastries, I choose to lean towards the hustled us side because that’s just the type of people I’m used to, but if I found out it was innocent forgetfulness I wouldn’t exactly be surprised.

She couldn’t handle more than one person talking at a time. Like, we’d have break periods, or group work, or something and all the talking made her go wide-eyed and batty. She’d look overworked and anxious and would be darting around the room trying to do work or something but she couldn’t focus and she’d yell at anyone who tried to talk to her directly. I remember one time she was using this boys desk for something so he asked “where am I supposed to sit?” and she snapped “Sit on the ceiling for all I care!”. And this kid was the Class Clown™ , so he immediately grabbed a chair in one hand and started climbing the bookcase to try and reach the ceiling. She’s standing right next to this and doesn’t even notice. He got all four chair legs planted on the ceiling and was trying to somehow maneuver his way into the chair (I really don’t know what the plan was exactly- he was really tall and it was a small building, so I think he probably had the idea that if he can get his body upside down and in the chair, and stretch out his arms like a hand-stand to hold onto bookcase, he could arguably sit on the ceiling.) but he slipped. Crashed into my desk and the two desks next to me, knocked over the book case, broke the chair in half and hit the desks with enough force to knock them down lower. It was hilarious. Everyone was loosing their shit cracking up (he was fine) and it still took Stubel like five minutes to notice his lying out across the desks right in front of her eyes. She was pissed but how did she miss any of it in the first place? She was barely being helpful in whatever it was she was trying to do.

This was the year the Phillies were going to the World Series, and all the grades were having a Phillies Rally in the cafeteria so a news crew was coming to the school and each class was supposed to come up with fun little cheers for them to broadcast. Multiple cheer ideas were presented to her and she vetoed all of them, someone even suggested just singing the damn eagles theme song with replaced words and calling it a day but she vetoed that too, she was very adamant that she could come up with a cheer all by herself and it’ll be the best one (whoever had the best cheer was winning like an ice cream day or something idk). And then like…literally five minutes before the rally she just hands us signs with the letters and was like ‘we’re just gonna spell out Phillies it will be cute won’t it my strudels???’. We were the weakest class there, predictably. I think we lost to the kindergarteners. There might still be a video online of me yelling “ i “ passionately at the top of my lungs. It was online bc our cheer was so bland the news crew cut it out of the broadcast.

I literally can’t say enough about how she never taught us anything. She’d be going on some tangent about how she doesn’t understand the science behind skiing, and I’d be like “Okay yes but please can you just tell me where Romania is on a map???” And she’d start fights whenever someone actually wanted to learn. It was so easy to get her angry but so hard for her to stay on topic. Kids started teaching the class themselves! Like seriously, she’d be rambling and one of us would just go up to the podium, open the teacher’s guide textbook and just start reading out loud and talking over her. By the time she noticed we’d be halfway through a lesson. And we understood it better than when she tried! You know something’s wrong when pre-teens are more qualified for a job than an adult who supposedly went to school for this.

We were in the church having run-throughs for our upcoming Confirmation and she almost set the church on fire…fifteen different times. In less than half an hour. How hard is it to hold a candle?

Okay, and here’s when stuff starts kicking up. It was October 28th, a Tuesday, and it was our last day of school that week because they were having parent-teacher conferences the rest of the week. So we were just hanging out, watching movies in class and reading (lord knows we weren’t learning), and Stubel calls me over to her desk.

So like, she had given everyone little bags with candy for Halloween, but I get up there and she hands me an extra one. And she’s like “Molly I know your birthday is tomorrow and I bought you a present but I left it on my coffee table this morning by accident! So just have the candy for now!”

And I’m like….”Ma’am I’m like, the sixth birthday this year. You didn’t give anyone else presents?”

And she goes “Oh, I know but this is a special secret surprise. I just know you’re gonna love it! Do you wanna stop by my house later this week to pick it up or should I just give it to you Monday after school?”

And like…In writing this sounds like a non-threatening exchange, and like, it was, but I felt so uncomfortable holy shit. I’m looking over my shoulder and shooting my friends SOS signals. Something about this felt so weird in my gut omfg. I told her thanks and I’d just see her Monday.

So we flash forward to Wednesday- my 13th birthday, the day the Phillies won the world series, and also the day my mother innocently strolled into the school for her meeting only to be met with screaming, the sound of heavy destruction, and the school secretary Mrs. Daily running at her in a panic, waving her arms and yelling “YOUR MEETING IS CANCELLED YOUR MEETING IS CANCELLED GET IN MY OFFICE NOW!”

So my poor mother, who thought she could handle this whole meeting in a few minutes and barely be an hour late for work, is now barricaded in the front office with the school secretary, as the noises from down the hall get louder and louder. The woman explains that they had gotten so many complaints about Mrs. Stubel that this morning, when she got to the school, the principal Sister Patricia called her in and said “Listen, we need you to be professional and still have the parent conferences, but we have to let you go. We just don’t think you fit in well here, and the kids need to come first and feel comfortable in their school.” and like, I’m paraphrasing because I wasn’t there, but we all know she was very polite and professional about it.

Mrs. Stubel, however…was not.

She flipped her chair and stormed out of the office, and locks herself in the seventh grade classroom. She started wrecking the shit out of that place, screaming obscenities and the top of her lungs, they had to call the cops on her! She was locked in there for almost an hour! And let me just give you a nice little list of everything she did in that classroom:

Smashed three windows.

Threw everything off her desk and carved swear words all over it.

Got cleaning fluid that she knew would damage the chalk boards, smeared it all over.

Cracked the chalk boards by repeatedly smashing chairs against them.

Wrote swear words all over the walls and on desks

Went into students desks, ripped up their books.

Stole my glasses. (which were in my desk bc I only used them in class at the time)

Threw some desks around.

Carved swear words into the boards. (there was so much carving I’m assuming she just had a knife on her person, which has to lead to the question, did she have a knife on her while she was in class with us?)

Physically ripped the hooks to hang backpacks on out of the wall.

Knocked the closet door off it’s hinges.

Ripped up all the books in the bookcases and threw their pages all around the room.

Wrote lewd phrases inside student’s desks.

Broke multiple chairs.

Used her podium as a battering ram against the wall that’s in front of where the backpacks go. (the wall won but Damage Was Inflicted)

Set a fire in the trash can.

When the principal and other teachers started trying to get in, she tossed her rolling chair at the door to scare them off.

She was screaming curse words at the top of her lungs the entire time, and cursing the school and the kids and the principal and the church in general, and the school building was small, so all the parents and the smaller children that had to come to the meetings (who were locked in their respective classrooms in fear) heard everything.

So much more? But it’s 4:30 in this morning and this list is already long.

So my mom is in the front office and deadass the

entire police force

shows up, running down the hallway to the classroom yelling at her to stop, and it takes a while for them to get her out holy shit. They knocked down the door and she tried to escape out of one of the broken windows! But they got her and dragged her out.

So of course, in such a small school with very involved parents this shit spread like wildfire. The entire town knew within the day. The poor principal called the newly retired old-seventh grade teacher and was like “So we…need some help” and the lady was like “I already heard I’ll be there Monday” omfg. I remember I got a text from one of my classmates saying “if your birthday wish was for us to be set free from the beast I love you” omfg.

So, we eventually go back to school on Monday and everyone’s buzzing. The principal has us go to the cafeteria and she ‘delicately’ explains the situation, and that the old teacher is coming out of retirement for us, the school has a restraining order against Mrs. Stubel now and that she’s sorry we had to deal with this mess. Our classroom had to go under some heavy reconstruction before we could be let back in there, so for like two weeks we alternated between the cafeteria and the preschooler’s classroom, we had no books or anything, just provided loose-leaf paper and pens. It was like, surreal, but everyone was just so happy to be rid of her and to be in the presence of a competent teacher omfg. We eventually were able to get back into our usual classroom.

It took a while for things to go completely back to normal, though. After the big spectacle she made, for weeks after she was fired we were all very scared of the possibility of Mrs. Stubel returning to the school with a gun in hand. It was always a topic we whispered about at lunch with wide eyes and shivers. Like…genuine nightmare scenario.

About two weeks after she was fired, a boy in the back of the classroom gasped loudly during SSR, and when we all looked at him, he whispered in anger “She never gave us our freakin’ strudels!”

About three months after she was fired, we were lined up at the door to go to Library when a few of us looked through the windows and saw something darting through the trees. It was fast and we couldn’t make anything out, so we let it drop. When the class and teacher returned half and hour later, the book she had borrowed months before from one of the boys was sitting on his desk. It was just laying there, the room was silent, nothing had been disturbed…but I have never seen a book look so threatening. People were freaking out. Someone kept insisting that she turned the book into a bomb. No one figure out how she got in the school, and no one could figure out how she got it on the right desk, as we had switched the seating arrangement since she had last been there.  

A full six months after she had left, it was nearing the end of the school year and our class was dicking around during our last computer class. Someone found a website (that we weren’t allowed to be on) that pulls up any police records attached to whoever’s name you enter, so someone decided to search Mrs. Stubel as a joke. We ended up finding out she had like six DUI’s.

Aaaaand that’s the story of the horrendous teacher I had for two months in 7th grade. One of my favorite party stories but tbh she still haunts me™ .

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Okay, Sharing Time. My family used to live with my grandmother who has a large farm, this was when I was a baby so I don't remember much from this house. My other aunt lived there too and my sister liked to play with our two cousins. They would lovk themselves in their houses once the sun went down because they were scared of the night because of kapres (a Filipino tree spirit) lurking in our grandmother's farm. People in the town talked to my grandma about it for time to time. Saying that it can snatch her grandkids. My whole family moved to a city in a year but my sister is still cared of the night and she once said that they once saw the trees bleed. Just straight up bleeding... My friends, the teachers, strangers, or acquaintances all talk about them but no one would ever touch or even come close to some places. Then there's the other monsters, Tikbalangs, Mananangals, Tik-Tiks, and etc. We live in respect from them because they're different and much more ancient. We don't question them, we keep quiet.

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@glorious-cesspool aka @zahyo-ni-yoru-kogeki is a pedophile. Avoid any interaction with them and I advise you block them immediately. I can confirm this first hand, and if you have any doubts message me and I can show you him directly trying to have sexual behavior between me and him, with him doing this while knowing I am a minor. He has also done this to friends of mine. He is a complete creep. The police have been called and are dealing with the issue, but nonetheless I repeat, BLOCK HIM IMMEDIATELY.