Bachelor Recap - Blog Posts

The Bachelor - Women Tell All Recap

Welcome to your recap of the Women Tell All which is always a tricky thing to recap as there is so, so much back and forth between embittered women on uncomfortable stools. I shall endeavor to convey the high emotional stakes to you, my dear readers. And without further ado, let’s jump in!

Oh no, just kidding, there will be MUCH further ado about nothing as we get to watch Chrises Harrison and Soules crash Bachelor viewing parties across LA. There are many, many screaming women, a drunken mom who kisses Chris on the mouth, one very douchey LA guy who says he loves the show, more screaming women, and all of this set to what I swear to God on High is the score from Beetlejuice.

And for more ado, we also have a highlight reel of the major dramatic points that will be addressed over the course of tonight. The two biggest issues at hand are Kelsey the condescending widow, and the beef between Britt and Carly. The video package ends on the rather chillier things Carly said about Britt as they were both eliminated, and we pull out of video to see Britt tearing up in her chair.

My patience level with Britt’s dramatics is starting off at about a 2, so she doesn’t have much to go on here. Starting out the gate crying is NOT going to help.

“Why did you pretend to be my friend the whole time?” Britt asks Carly. And then Britt launches into a literal Sob Story about how she sat on Carly’s bed and put cucumber slices from her salad onto her eyes because she’d been crying so much about not knowing where her and Chris’ connection had gone.

WOW. So much to unpack there. Firstly, Britt needs to pare down her words and get tougher skin. Secondly, that is such a stupid and specific thing she remembers of “putting cucumber slices from [her] salad onto [her] eyes.” I mean what the hell? Did they have dressing on them? Did you actually think that was going to help you depuff IN MEDIAS CRIES?

Things escalate to where many women are talking over each other either in defense of Carly or Britt. What Carly and co. want to say is that she was “friendly to” Britt because she didn’t want to create drama or be outwardly mean to someone. But they are all having a hard time putting that sentiment together.

Quick update on Carly’s eyebrows: it looks like her makeup was professionally done. She looks great, BUT those eyebrows are still mostly the same shape but have been filled in a lot. There is hope for her eyebrows yet.

Anyhow, Chrarrison tries to smooth things out by bringing Britt up into the hot seat right then and there. We hear more about how Britt believes that her relationship with Chris didn’t begin to crumble until Carly said something. Carly pipes up that Chris in his blog acknowledges that Carly was the third person to bring up Britt’s lack of authenticity to Chris. Ashley I. did and so did Jade.

Then Jillian rips into Carly saying how she badmouthed her (Jillian) to Chris in front of her and the other women. And then defends Britt as being one of the sweetest, purest of heart people she’s ever met. Um, ok. Thanks for that shining character reference coming from the woman who asked the most appalling “would you rather…” on her date.

Britt is now putting on the biggest show that she is crying.

“Your insecurity and your jealousy shined through,” Jillian screams at Carly. At this point Jillian is continuing to scream so much that Chrarrison has to whistle to get her to calm down.

“You’re a little jacked up!” Chris says. And she calms down enough to hear more from Britt.

Basically, Britt is overwhelmed by the powers of editing and that the producers have an end game that isn’t necessarily “the truth.” Just in how she was as she was leaving the show, she has no idea how this game works. It’s a game, Britt. So yes, they are going to cut a scene of you telling Chris how you can’t wait to have kids with a scene of the women talking about how you said you didn’t want kids. They do that so that we watch the show and decide that you’re an evil, manipulative cow. Which, you’re not. I just think you’re naïve and on top of that a person I would never get along with in any capacity. But she takes everything so goddamn personally that she can’t see the forest through the trees.

As they cut to commercial, she cries even more. But she’s not crying. She’s just closing her eyes really tight, quivering her lips, and shaking her shoulders. For someone who’s trying to wipe away a reputation as fake, she would be wise to produce more actual tears.

The audience’s reaction to Carly is mixed. There’s both cheering and booing after what she says to Britt. This Women Tell All has become the Carly and Britt Show, and I don’t care for it. I don’t care that Carly said some mean things (at the prodding of the producers) about Britt. I don’t care that Britt might have been fake. They both got eliminated! Work it out off camera, ladies!

“Do you honestly think that had Carly not been in the picture, you’d still be with Chris?” Chrarrison asks.

And Britt silently nods her head as many women pipe up with “no’s”. That’s that. That’s not…no. That’s just not even close to the truth, Britt. She finally actually cries some tears to Chrarrison in what she thinks is an off camera moment. Well, Britt, goodbye.

Now we move right along from that pile up, to Kelsey our “Black Widow.” I have never in my life heard or used the word widow so much as on this season on the Bachelor.

So as we pull away from the shots of all the women celebrating on Kelsey’s elimination, we see Kelsey tearing up. She actually tears up though and cries as she describes how this whole thing has put her back in the grieving stage. She was starting to feel whole again, but now, after this experience, she’s back in terrible place.

Oh please, because you insulted everyone around you and acted like a prized idiot you’re grieving? That’s what she says as she cries so hard she asks for a tissue. I feel like ordinarily they have tissues at the ready but this time no, just Chrarrison, ever the gentleman, offering her his hanky.

“Are you sure?” she asks, “It’s silk.” He nods, so she uses it. And then there is a sound of audible disgust from the audience. Hankies are a gross concept to be sure, but Kelsey did nothing but use it for its designated purpose. Come on, audience; lighten up on her a little.

“Do you know why the women disliked you so much?” Chrarrs asks after our snot blowing break.

She hems a little before saying, “I’ve been told that I seem condescending and I use big words.”

YEAH KELSEY, YOU’RE BEING CONDESCENDING BY SAYING THAT YOU WERE TOLD YOU “SEEM” THAT WAY AND BY SAYING “BIG WODS” INSTEAD OF SAYING “LARGE VOCABULARY” AS IF THAT WOULD FURTHER CONFUSE THESE DUM-DUMS WHO DON’T KNOW BIG WORDS.

After she continues her speech about how she felt so attacked and the women are rearing to tear her up, she ends by apologizing to Ashely for the disrespectful things she said about her as they both left.

Then it’s time to really lay into Kelsey. Juelia, the other widow, is upset at how Kelsey used her tragedy as a tool and says she is the fakest person she’s ever met. Megan, whose father died suddenly in a similar way to Kelsey’s husband, can’t understand why she said the things she said about her story. Megan also hands what may be the only olive branch Kelsey gets by saying that she thinks Kelsey was still grieving, but then why did she come on the show?

Why indeed, Kelsey? And for having such a big vocabulary, she does a very poor job explaining why she said the things she said in the way she said them. We move away from Kelsey feeling like nothing is really sorted and life is meaningless and the universe just keeps quietly expanding yet remaining infinite. INFINITY CAN’T GROW, BUT IT CAN BECAUSE UNIVERSE.

Speaking of space, this is a genuinely natural transition and I’m super thrilled about it, we have Ashley S.! She is here to atone for her erratic and alien-like behavior on the show that even managed to flap the unflappable Chris Harrison.

Ashley is majestic. I will say, however, that even though I cracked wise and made jokes about her being on opiates, she might actually be. She is erratic and strange, and I worry that she might actually have some kind of issue. She speaks strangely and reacts in a way that does not say she is all there. I mean, she might be. This bizarre alien being might be who she really is, but something tells me she’s not all right. So we shouldn’t poke too much fun.

What I can point out though is that Ashley S, being inspired by her time on the show, has started growing onions. She brought Chrarrison an onion as hosting gift, and let me tell you he is downright tickled by it.

Something else I’ll add to the Ashley S. discussion is that she is very confident in all her replies. Ashley S. is Ashley S. and while everyone in the audience is tittering about what she’s saying, I think she may, possibly, be in on the joke. She acknowledges how much the cameras make her just act silly because it’s all absurd.

Chrarrison then breaks character for once in his life to ask, nay beg, Ashley to join Bachelor in Paradise. The crowd chants “Do it!” and she responds, “It’s so weird…just that we’re on TV.” Ashley S. might be smarter than all of us because she just deflected that like a pro.

Next on the hot seat is Jade in a banging red body-con dress. Body be banging. Body. Be. Banging. But also her brain and personality be banging. She’s so calm and sweet. She was upset that Chris rejected her after they had such a strong connection and had seemingly moved on after she revealed that she modeled for Playboy. She is very upset that he seemed to act one way with her even as they broke up and then called it “disturbing” in his blog that the girl he saw was different than the girl her family described.

Jade is too good to deal with a simple, idiot farmer from Iowa calling her actions “disturbing” in any way. She’s the only one other than maybe Kaitlyn who has legitimate beef with Chris for his actions and words. He’s a real piece of work, but in quiet ways, which is why I don’t know if this will be the blood bath I want it to be.

And OH MY GOD, we still aren’t getting to tromp Chris out there. Kaitlyn, the most recent reject, has a turn up on the hot seat. She is still reeling from getting eliminated in Bali and wants answers. She felt the most confident she’d ever felt at the rose ceremony during which she was eliminated.

“Honest to God, I think about this every day. Every single day since this happen I wonder why couldn’t he have given me one tiny little sign that maybe I wasn’t the one?” Kaitlyn reveals. She got a really big serving of a broken heart from Chris and just wants to understand more of what happened.

So finally, after nearly two hours of highly emotional women and back and forth that got us nowhere, Chris Soules comes marching out to the hot seat. WOW. SHOCKER OF THE CENTURY: BRITT FEELS SHE NEEDS STILL MORE ATTENTION AND BEGINS “CRYING” IMMEDIATELY UPON SEEING CHRIS.

Chrarrison hands the floor over to her right away and she comes up on stage and hugs Chris for an uncomfortable period of time. Britt starts right away by telling Chris, in the most put-on humble way, that she doesn’t blame Chris for believing Carly because Britt believed her lies too. Oh! Britt! Get thee to Days of Our Lives!

“Thank you for all that, but I want you to know that the reason things didn’t work out wasn’t because I believed or didn’t believe Carly. I mean, my decision was based on our journey together and our relationship, and there’s some things that I saw and felt that it wasn’t right,” Chris explains. Because yeah, Carly isn’t some conniving villain set out to destroy love with her litany of lies. Jesus, Britt, get a hold of yourself.

“Thank you,” she says as she wipes away yet more tears THAT AREN’T THERE, “That makes me feel better.” Oh, ok. Sure. Now you feel better that he dumped you because you were a selfish brat who threw a hissy fit about not getting your way?

Chris is really over all her theatrics and is just humoring her at this point. I think we might be done with Britt now once and for all.

Now that Britt got her martyr’s speech out of the way, we move onto Kaitlyn who has an actual reason to talk to Chris. Girlfriend needs and wants closure because she got hit by a truck when she was eliminated and given no real reason why.

She keeps coming back to the fact that he wanted her to put her guard down and be vulnerable, and as soon as she did that and opened herself up, he kicked her to the curb. Now, to be fair to Chris (though he doesn’t fully deserve it) part of what being vulnerable means is that you can get hurt and you understand that the relationship is worth the risk of getting hurt.

Chris still doesn’t have an explanation for her as to what happened and that he feels it was “like throwing darts in the dark.” OH SURE, MAKE HER FEEL BETTER BY SAYING IT WAS RANDOM.

Kaitlyn is having none of that and pipes up that Chris should have given her the same chance to talk as he did to Becca, and he should have given her the same courtesy Andi gave him by not putting her through the agony of a rose ceremony at that point in their relationship.

“What in your mind was making you think ‘You know, I’m gonna make her stand through that Rose Ceremony’?” Kaitlyn asks.

Chris apologizes for putting her through that and basically says he was doing the best he could because it was his first time being the Bachelor. HAHAHAH OH HOW RIBALD. WE HAVE FUN HERE CHRIS, YOU GIANT ASS.

To continue the skewering of Chris’s ass-hattery, Jade comes up to talk to Chris about how he sent her home and what he said to her. She calls him out for calling what he saw in her “disturbing” which he stumbles around an explanation that that was just a poor choice of words.

Jade is very well spoken and composed during all of this. She is having none of this. Chris’s reaction to her photos and basically lying to her face and saying it was all ok and then calling the whole experience awkward and uncomfortable gets put on the table. He just again, chalks it up to a poor choice of words and says that they both felt a little awkward. So that’s that. No justice for the wronged, Jade.

And then it is time for Chris Harrison’s favorite moment of any season, THE BLOOPER REEL! NOBODY LOVES ANNOUNCING A BLOOPER REEL LIKE CHRARRISON.

And that brings us the end of the Women Tell All. I will see all of your shining, beautiful faces next WEDNESDAY (ON TIME FOR ONCE THIS SEASON, I PROMISE). We have the big finale to look forward to, and although I have a very clear pick for the winner, I feel that my hopes will be thwarted. But we shall see to what extent Chris Soules shows his ass! Until they my sweets!

The Bachelor - Episode 4 Recap

We are really in this thing now. It took a record few number of episodes to make me utterly bored by Chris and his antics, but we have so many, many ladies to observe in the most extreme circumstances that here I sit, red wine in hand, ready to go on this journey with and for all of you. Hooray for the Bachelor and fermented grapes.

This is the last week with Bachelor Mansion as home base as after (and during parts of) this episode Farmer Chris and his Herd of Lady Cattle will fly to such exotic locales as New Mexico and seemingly all of Southeast Asia. But before all that, Chris’s three sisters are in town and will be evaluating all the women in addition to selecting which lucky lady gets the one-one date this week. There are group dates aplenty, however, and Chrarrison drops off the first of the date cards.

Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley S., Ashley I., Juelia, Samantha, Mackenzie, and Kelsey are on the date card that reads, “Let’s do what feels natural…”. All the women freak out that “natural” means no makeup or hair extensions. They still manage to get properly gussied up before taking off in two vintage Cadillac convertibles. They arrive at a beautiful lake for their party complete with paddle boards, floating rafts, and beach chairs.

Ashley I. tells us how she feels so shy around Chris and like she’s not being herself, so in search of a way to “break out of [her] shyness” she takes off her American flag bikini top and jumps into the lake. That’ll do it, Ash. Then Kaitlyn one-ups Ashley I. and takes off just her bottoms and jumps into the lake. She feels great about Chris having seen her “tush”.

I don’t, and neither does Kelsey. She (and I) don’t feel it’s appropriate or very cute to take pieces of your clothing off in front of the man you’re dating while in a group situation. But also, it’s the Bachelor.

“This is a date made for bimbos,” Kelsey exclaims. I know, I know, I know, Kelsey. Yes it’s crude and inappropriate but this is a show where one man is “dating” fifteen women at once and the beer flows like wine! It’s all one big moral grey area and unfortunately skinny dipping falls right in there because in the real world that’s tacky as hell but this is most decidedly not the real world and who’s to say those women DIDN’T do that just for their own fun and not for the exploitation of their bodies (I am. They definitely did it for the male gaze but my point stands.)

The three sisters arrive at the mansion to surprise the women and get to know them a little better. One of his sisters came all the way from her home in Ireland, and I’m interested in finding out how she rigged that sweet gig up for herself. The girls have to go rouse Jillian from her deep slumber in the pool. The Black Bar is back because the producers are like a dog with a bone with that damn thing. However, Jillian is duly embarrassed by her first impression on these “potential future in-laws.”

The Sisters Three pull Whitney aside for the first one-on-one chat. I don’t even need to watch to know she will pass with flying colors. She does. But they are asking intense questions they have prepared on a yellow legal pad. It is a lot like being before a tribunal. We see snippets from a few different interviews, but the soft and sweet music plays over Jade as she tells the sisters how she just launched her own organic makeup line and that she thinks relationships are all about compromise. Way to show us your hand, producers. That music obviously means Jade is getting the one-on-one.

Back at the lake, the group are playing red rover and Kelsey is not amused. She, being from Michigan, is unimpressed by the state of this muddy, “dingy pond” of a lake on which they find themselves.

“My face is getting skinnier because I spend all this time fake smiling trying to pretend to enjoy just this…hell hole,” she says, “There are moments when I feel like taking a fork and just stabbing it in my eye.” Seems super chill.

Chris then tells all the ladies how much fun he’s having with all of them in their bathing suits and that because it’s so much fun he doesn’t want to leave. And they won’t be leaving because they are camping overnight at the lake!

“This is dumb!” Kelsey whines, “I wanna be where I wanna be, and I don’t wanna be here!”

THEN GO HOME. But she doesn’t. She does get stung by a bee on her inner thigh though as further punishment.

Over at the campsite, we have some really fun stereotyping and gender roles playing out. The girls are tasked with assembling their own tents, and while some put them up with the greatest of ease, Mackenzie and Ashley I. giggle and struggle. Luckily, big man’s man Chris is around to help them merely read instructions and accomplish a basic task.

The hub-bub at the house is all about who will be picked for the one-on-one and how important it is to be chosen by his sisters. To be chosen by the Sisters Three for a one-on-one date would be the highest honor which one could have bestowed! Britt feels confident that it will be her because she feels she is the front-runner.

Imagine the look of shock on her face when Whitney reads the date card, “Jade, Your presence is requested at a royal ball tomorrow evening. From 8pm until the last stroke of midnight. Shh, it’s a secret. The prince doesn’t know you are coming.” Jade is over the moon excited and honored to be selected for this date.

Camping continues on the group date with the grilling of kabobs and hot dogs over the fire. Ashley I. managed to bring along and properly attach her fake eyelashes for this camping date. Hey girl, you do you and don’t compromise that but also? There’s a time and a place for falsies.

“We are the luckiest ladies in America,” someone offers from around the campfire.

“Really?” Kelsey replies. And Kaitlyn calls her out on it really quick. Kelsey explains that it’s a unique opportunity, but the girls are onto her. She is pouting hardcore but as soon as Chris comes back her face lights up with glee. Breaker, Breaker 1-9: we’ve got a faker! And the girls delight in explaining how fake Kelsey is and how on earth could Chris be attracted to someone so fake? All of this played over shots of Kelsey laughing this giant, strained laugh. Folks, we’ve got a villain a-brewing.

But while Kelsey is being put to the fire for being fake, Ashley S. is being her truest, best self. By that I mean she is hiccupping drunk and wide eyed with suspicion. Suspicious of what, you ask? Probably the fact that as she sings gibberish campfire songs from her home planet, Mackenzie asks if the other women believe in aliens. It’s all coming together. Someone is about to be abducted by Ashley S. There’s even a full moon to boot.

Kaitlyn tells a ghost story about Ashley S. “the sweetest and yet scariest” woman around. The women are mostly entertained by her brand of crazy because she’s sweet not terrifying. She is a little terrifying though as she repeatedly whispers, “What are you?” to Chris and then gazes at the moon. It’s amazing. I just treasure her. She rambles and rambles and tells Chris that she loves everything about him and hopes that resonates within his mind tonight.

Now it’s Ashley I.’s turn to parade her true self in front of Chris. She tells him that she has a crush on him. And how he makes her feel shy and then they suck face. And I mean SUCK. FACE. It’s not kissing or making out. It is face sucking. So gross, guys. We’ve got to put a full stop on the gross kissing happening here.

The date rose goes to Kaitlyn for always being herself and making Chris feel good. “I feel great. This is awesome. And I’m drunk,” Kaitlyn says of her big rose win. Ashley I. is rattled by this and feels there is no way that Chris knows the real her. So, fueled by her virginity and alcohol, Ashely I. sets off to tell Chris that she is a virgin and has never had a boyfriend.

To accomplish this task, she must leave her tent and travel to a sleeping Chris’s tent. This should go over very well.

“Basically, so far, I feel like I’ve been portrayed different from how I really am…I’m freakin’ innocent. I’ve never had a real boyfriend before,” she tells him inside his luxury tent.

“The moment I met you, I got the vibe that you were a smart, well-rounded girl,” says Chris groggily.

She blathers on a bunch more about how she’s a nerd inside and “inexperienced in every way possible”. He was pretty sleepy and said he “thinks” he “gets” her. I don’t think he does. And she doesn’t explicitly say that she’s a virgin. She just repeats, “I just want to make sure you got me.” He says yes to her immediately so that they can start making out, but tells cameras that he had no idea what she was really trying to say to him. Chris is both smart and a great guy. Two thumbs WAY UP.

That date is finally over, and it’s time for everyone to reunite at the mansion. The group date gals are told in great detail what happened when the Sisters Three came to visit. Jillian tells everyone about how Jade got her fancy date card/invitation to the royal ball, and Ashley I. seethes. She is very upset that she does not get to go on a date where she can dress up and act like a princess.

But this is so wonderful for Jade! A full team of stylists, helmed by a real-life Effie Trinket complete with funny accent and pink curly hair, invade the house to give her a full princess transformation. They made one of the rooms in the mansion into a princess suite with jewels and beautiful gowns and hair and makeup artists. Nadia with her pink hair is flitting about styling and perfecting Jade’s look. The other women watch on in amazement and awe, while Ashley I. pouts and whines and makes it all about her.

Nadia helps her find a gorgeous patterned ball gown with her very own Louboutin glass slippers that she gets to keep. She also gets to keep the NEIL LANE diamond earrings Nadia put on her. This is of course an elaborate plug for the new Disney Cinderella movie that’s coming out in March. Nadia forces Jade to look at some images from the movie so she understands her inspiration. Haha, yes. This was all Nadia’s idea. I don’t blame you Nadia, you’re perfect. Never change.

When Jade emerges fully made-up, she looks lovely. So stunning but classy, and the girls ooh and ahh but at the same time are envious of this date. Jade is whisked away in a perfectly white Rolls Royce to her Royal date. Chris positively beams when he sees Jade descend the grand staircase to greet him.

They are “eating” dinner in a hotel lobby? It’s a nice hotel lobby to be sure, but nonetheless, just a big, vast marble space. They have their typical Bachelor chat about past relationships (both have been engaged before).

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Ashley I. is going bananas. She put on a sparkly dress that she brought specifically for a princess themed date. The other women are laughing in her face for being so dramatic and ridiculous, so Ashley leaves their presence to sit upon a couch made of leather and nibble on an ear of corn as all dejected princesses sometimes do. Get over it, Ashley I. Eat some more corn.

The real Cinderella date is going quite well. Chris gives Jade the rose easy-peasy, and then takes her to see one more surprise. They walk into a small ballroom containing a full orchestra. They dance on a platform and actually do a fair job at the waltz. It’s the kind of fairytale, beautiful, romantic date this show used to be all about. This is what I came to see people! Lovin’ it! These two boring simples being all dressed up! Like candy for me.

We’re already at the final group date for the week. Joining Farmer Chris are Nikki, Jillian, Whitney, Carly, Britt, and Becca whose date card reads, “Let’s get dirty!” Then Carly, who read the card, shares that there were also boxes delivered with the card. The boxes contain wedding dresses. Joy of joys. They make themselves beautiful, put on the dresses, then climb into a stretch limo for the date.

I do not like where this is going one little bit.

The ladies get onto a private jet and while most are excited, Jillian feels very out of her element in a wedding dress. They meet Chris when they land in San Francisco, and are then driven to a tough mudder course. No, no, no. So, they are doing this muck-fest under the guise of raising awareness for MS. I guess that’s fine. The race will determine who gets a one-on-one date with Chris and the rest of the women will go home immediately. So that sucks even more. Chris’s only redeeming quality is that he does the whole race with them so they aren’t just getting disgusting alone to compete for his approval.

It is no surprise that Jillian pulls ahead and completely dominates the course.

Carly is laughing during her whole interview because she performed so poorly that she just gave up. Carly is actually growing on me, despite her terrible eyebrows.

“Jillian should be wearing a tuxedo…Are her muscles bigger than Chris’s? Is her d**k bigger than Chris’s?” she giggles. See? Carly can stay.

Jillian is pumped that she gets her one-on-one date in San Francisco. They are dining on the rooftop of the historic Fairmont Hotel on San Francisco’s Knob Hill. Chris mumbles about how Jillian is one of his top three gals as far as being cute, fun, and outgoing. I don’t hate Jillian. I just don’t love her brand of intensity and the obsession with working out. I disagree that it’s an inherently masculine quality to be into working out, but I don’t think that “the gym” does an entire personality make.

And to display her intensity, Jillian talks during the lion’s share of the date. “During Jillian’s talking, I’m getting kind of confused because her words are coming out faster than I can process,” Chris says. Oh, sweetie. It’s ok. We’ll get you through this.

“Occaisionally, as Jillian’s words float over my head, I think of unicorns and dancing fairies…It’s quite beautiful,” Chris says. It’d be a whole lot funnier if I didn’t think he meant it. But Chris is honest that he doesn’t feel a romantic connection with Jillian and that the romance of their conversation, or lack thereof, does not match their romantic surroundings.

Cue Jillian asking, “Would you rather have sex with a homeless girl and you don’t know what she has, like this bitch is talking to her reflection, like she’s crazy: bird in her hair, the whole nine, or abstain from sex for five years?”

I JUST CANNOT. First of all, “would you rather” questions are for people who aren’t interesting enough to have conversations without creating some contrived device. Secondly, that question is inappropriate on so many levels, and it’s offensive. Chris just silently shakes his head in response. Jillian thinks the date is going well, but Chris picks up the rose. He explains that while she’s fun and beautiful, he just doesn’t feel the chemistry. He feels that their goals just don’t match.

Jillian interrupts to say that this setting doesn’t make her feel the most comfortable. Oh, honey, respect yourself enough to not play the desperation game. She doesn’t take it well. She cries and gets flustered. I would cry getting rejected on national television too. That’s fair. But it was time for Jillian to go, and I’m glad Chris had the balls to cut her loose.

This episode, for lack of anything actually happening, has felt like an eternity. It is now rounding third and about to come in for the run though, as we are at the cocktail party. Chris starts the party with one of his token horrible speeches about how Jillian went home because he takes this process very seriously.

Megan takes this seriously too, which is why she blindfolds Chris and brings out some fruit and chocolate fondue. Just f***ing why? This is not sexy or cool or fun. Why? Chris loved it! “I thought that was a great game! What do you call that game?” he asks Megan after the whole fruit plate has been sampled. Megan is as sweet as she is simple and is therefore a wonderful match for Chris. This whole season can be tied up in a neat little bow with the word “simple”.

Right on cue, Ashley I. arrives to make it clear to Chris, once and for all, that she is A VIRGIN. SHE’S A VIRGIN AND ALMOST PROUD! ASHLEY I. IS A VIRGIN AND EVERYONE IN THE UNITED STATES AND ITS TERRITORIES AND ANYONE WHO ILLEGALLY STREAMS THIS SHOW INTERNATIONALLY (SHOUT OUT TO MY FRIENDS IN AUSTRALIA) KNOWS IT! She’s wearing the same sparkly dress from when she threw a fit over the Cinderella date. They start the conversation by pussy-footing around the topic one more time, and then she finally comes out and says the words “I’m a virgin.”

Chris accepts it as well as one could. He says he respects it and thinks it’s a good thing all while she’s still word vomiting about what that all means.

“If anything, I respect her more,” Chris tells us. Sure, whatever. It’s 2015. People can be virgins or have a lot of sex with men or women or both or neither. For the love of everything, can we move on? We can’t. Ashely I. is freaking out that for the first time ever he didn’t kiss her.

“Well it’s because he wants to respect you,” explains Mackenzie.

“I don’t want him to respect me that much!” Ashely exclaims. To which, I just can’t. That is the essence of this show in one sentence. Good LORD. She’s crying so much and Mackenzie is over the dramatics. Mackenzie, whose hair looks great tonight. Someone took pity on her. Ashley continues with the pyrotechnics and then tells everyone around her the big secret that she’s a virgin and two things happen.

One is that Carly is shocked to hear this because, she says, “I’ve seen her making out with Chris like thirteen-thousand times. Her mouth is not a virgin.” Which is amazing and so far the quote of the season. Her mouth is not a virgin. THAT’S INCREDIBLE. WHAT? WHAT IS THAT? IT’S GREAT IS WHAT IT IS.

Two is that Becca quietly replies, “I am too.” So Becca is virgin number two in the Bachelor mansion which causes Kaitlyn to flip her lid because she can’t fathom that. It makes me very intrigued by the beautiful Becca who has been very quiet about that whole thing. I like this Becca girl who plays her cards close to the vest.

On to Britt: Britt, who is at an Ariana Grande ratio of body to hair, is “grumpy” because she hasn’t talked to Chris in a week. She decides to confront Chris about where they stand emotionally and also about where he’s at with other girls there. Specifically, she mentions that she heard that Kaitlyn took off her clothes on the group date and was then given a rose.

“I just wanna know why those actions are being validated,” Britt says to Chris.

He pauses for a moment to form some thoughts in that big ole noggin of his before replying with these beautiful words: “That wasn’t why I gave her a rose, and like…I guess uh, that I see two sides like Kaitlyn has a lot of different facets that are not and I don’t those aren’t, I see the Kaitlyn that just you know what I mean? I mean obviously, I mean if you like her or dislike her or I, I don’t see, I don’t look at Kaitlyn like being some really and I’m not rewarding inappropriate behavior. You know? And I’m not giving roses to you know and maybe you’re viewing as that. Um.”

I know what you’re thinking. Cassie did you fall asleep for parts of that speech and leave out key words? Cassie, have you had so much wine that you typed nonsense and sent it right to publication? Cassie, did you have a stroke?

No. No. No. No to all of those questions. That is an actual transcription of Chris’s reply to being put on the spot as to why a girl who took her bathing suit bottoms off at the lake was given a rose.

Chris gets up abruptly from their chat, and then as he makes his speech before the rose ceremony he gives an ultimatum that if anyone questions his intentions and motives for being there, they can just leave. This freaks the girls out, but obviously nothing happens.

Rose time:

Whitney, Carly, Megan, Samantha (WHO?), Mackenzie, Kelsey, Becca, Ashely I., and last of all is Britt. This means Juelia, Nikki, and our dear, dear Ashley S. are going home. I will miss her and all her beautiful white winged dove ways. Ashely S. is a treasure that only comes along once in a millennium. Fly free to your home planet Ashley S. and take care on the intergalactic highways!

Chris takes a kind moment to say goodbye to Juelia because he admires her and respects her so much as a person. He tells her she’s a beautiful person both inside and out, and she is. The other women are shaken up by her leaving too.

And then the episode ends abruptly! Bye, guys! We’ll be in Santa Fe next week, and I can’t wait to see you there! It looks like Kelsey has a panic attack in a bathroom which is exciting because maybe something will finally happen on this show! Hooray! Love you all! @Chasspod on twitter and the Ask is always open! Exclamation points!!!

The Bachelor - Episode 1 Recap

Well, well, frickin’ well. Look who’s back, babies. It is I. It’s I and it’s you and it’s Chris Harrison and a bunch of bumbling bimbettes vying for the love of but ONE MAN. I’ve got my flannel jammies on. I’ve got a beer on my coffee table, and I’m ready. Are you? Please be ready. We can only get through together. In the immortal words of Jon Bon Jovi: take my hand, and we’ll make it, I swear.

For the first time, the premier of the Bachelor is a live event and they have trucked out all the very biggest stars of the Bachelor Family. Sean and Catherine are there. Brooks is there. I can see Dylan Bad-Hair Good-face behind good old Chrarrison! We start on the sparsely attended red carpet as Chrarrs tells us that this show. Has. Everything. LA’s hottest club is called DESPERATION. There’s a virgin who makes it through a fantasy suite. There are two widows. There’s a beloved talk show anchor that fills in for our beloved Chris Harrison. But, not to disappoint Stefan, nothing too crazy yet like Football Jellyfish.

Now let’s smash cut to a sweeping shot of Chris Soule’s farm in Arlington, Iowa. Oh, but wait, this down-home farmer has a bad side. Here he is riding his hog down a country highway. Chris LOVES farming, guys. And it takes about ninety seconds for him to make a comparison of farming to love. Perfect.

Chris has a huge, loving family and everything is great, except one thing. Can you guess what it is? It’s hard to find love out in Iowa. To demonstrate this, we see Chris sitting on the stoop of an abandoned building and waving to a red van that just drives right by. That big red van? It’s love. And Chris? He’s just been driven right by. This show. It’s deep.

Then Chris goes to a neighborhood bar to meet with the Old Gentleman’s Brigade that is led by a man who looks just like Jimmy Carter. Maybe he is. BUT OH MY GOSH FORGET FORMER PRESIDENT JIMMY CARTER, CODY IS HERE. CODY THE SWEET, SWEET DUMB DUMB IS THERE TO PHYSICALLY TRAIN HIM. AND THEN THEY PLAY FAKE FIELD OF DREAMS SOUNDTRACK AS CHRIS LOOKS OUT OVER A FIELD OF CORN WITH HIS MOTORCYCLE. He is ready now, more than ever to find love. So he takes off on that sweet, sweet hog that is compensating, surely, FOR NOTHING.

Champagne from plastic flutes is flowing on the red carpet, where we get a quick chat with Sean and Catherine. Catherine is wearing a cape with alternating panels of black silk and tulle because she is queen of my heart. They are adorable, as per ushe.  It’s my great hope that we will one day come to a point wherein we do not discuss their sex life. Someday soon. 

This red carpet is going to eat up a LOT of my time tonight. We talk to Marcus and Lacy who are still on track to be wed this summer. We do find out one key piece of information from them. There will be thirty women instead of the traditional twenty-five. Oh my dear heavens, thank you for the beer I have. Let’s meet some of these women, kay?

First up is Britt, a bubbly waitress from LA who is just trying to find love in a hopeless place. She hikes and is FIT. She didn’t have sex with her last boyfriend, “which is cool because I got to know that I liked him not because of anything like, physical?” I do not care for her, as yet.

Next we see a woman doing back handsprings on the National Mall in Washington D.C. Jillian is a twenty-five year-old news producer. She’s raven haired and in charge. “I lift heavy, and I love it,” she says of her training regimen. Get out of here, Jillian.

Amanda is 24 and from Lake in the Hills, Illinois and is a ballet instructor. TWENTY-FOUR IS TOO YOUNG FOR A THIRTY-THREE YEAR-OLD FARMER. IT’S TOO YOUNG. When a producer asks why she’s still single she immediately responds, “Can I say ‘cause I’m f***ing crazy?...I still live with my parents. I don’t like paying bills. I don’t cook. I hate cleaning.” Remember when I yelled about her being too young for him? Remember how I was so, so right? Never forget that.

And just a hop over from Amanda, is Whitney from Chicago who is a nasal-voiced fertility nurse. She just loves completing people’s families, but is so overwhelmed by the urge to find love. Her dog is WAY too small and her joy is WAY too much for me. But I actually kind of like her for Chris. She is the cinnamon sugar to his steaming pile of oatmeal. We’ll see about you, Whit.

Just for a quick check in, we are twenty minutes into this sucker, and I have screamed into my hands no less than three times. The most recent scream was for Mackenzie who clocks in at a mere twenty-one years but has a son named KALE. HER SON. IS NAMED. KALE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. HER SON IS NAMED KALE. THAT’S TOO MUCH. WE HAVE GIVEN KALE TOO MUCH POWER. THIS IS HOW THE ALIENS WILL WIN, AND IT ALL STARTS WITH F***ING KALE.

Kale is adorable and has dimples but that does not change the fact that his mother gave him the name of our leafy-green overlord. Mackenzie is going to cry every day she is in that mansion. My patience for her is already expired.

Alissa is another twenty-four year-old flight attendent. They make her pretend to do a pre-flight security check with all these Bachelor puns. Alissa seems basic as hell.

Kelsey is a high school counselor who loves her job, but needs to find love after losing her husband a little over a year ago. He just dropped dead of a heart attack, so that’s my new worst nightmare. She’s strong and great. I hope for good things for her.

Back on the live red carpet, Josh and Andi come to chat about their everyday lives. This red carpet is really more of a corral for the former contestants to hang out and drink before they allow them into the studio. There’s clearly no exit. Hahahahahaha what if a single one of them had ever read Sartre’s “No Exit”???? Can you imagine? Sharlene probably has. So she gets it when I say this show is the epitome of Hell is Other People.

More red carpet nonsense ensues as Nikki Ferrell, the famous ex-paramour of hated Bachelor Juan Pablo. It’s the first time she’s back in the Bachelor Family since the breakup. She talks in circles about what happened the last time she was there for the After the Final Rose Ceremony. I honestly just wish her the best and hope we can just let this all go. Let’s leave the poor woman alone. Please, for all of us.

HOLY S**T. I DON’T CARE ABOUT WHAT NIKKI IS SAYING BECAUSE MY DEAR, SWEET KING OF DIAMONDS AND LIZARDS NEIL LANE IS ON THE RED CARPET CORAL BEHIND HER. WHAT’S HE UP TO? NEIL LANE I LOVE YOU!

I think they were expecting this Nikki interview to shed new light on the Juan Pablo situation and that maybe she would dump on him for being a dog. But she doesn’t do that at all, so it falls flat because it’s a woman trying to defend her choices. Chrarrison really tries to bait her into slandering JP, but I fully respect that she does not give in to that.

After that travesty, we are now inside the famed studio. I think this party is about to get started. I need it to.

The first limo finally arrives. Amanda the ballet teacher describes Chris’ smile as “a panty dropper”. Classy. But very first out the limo is Britt the “waitress” from LA who hugs Chris for so long she CRIES. SHE CRIES. That’s enough Britt. Oh, no it’s not. She leaves a gift with him. It’s a note for a free hug. F*** that. Next is Whitney the Fertility Nurse made of cinnamon sugar. She’s way too enthusiastic, but I don’t know guys, I like her for him.

Then Kelsey that widowed guidance counselor. I guess we’re getting all the pre-screened ladies out the first limo. She is sweet and put together. I really like her.

When Megan, who is, you guessed it, TWENTY-FOUR, comes out of the limo he calls her “blondie” which is not ok with me. Ashley I. is a raven haired beauty who is a freelance journalist. Chris calls her gorgeous.

Second limo is up and Chris playfully knocks on the window. What a joker. Trina is a thirty-three year old special education teacher and she seems sweet for now. Next up, Reegan, a blond woman in a teal dress gets out of the limo holding a red hazmat cooler because she is a donated tissue specialist. Please God, let her pretend that a real human heart is in that cooler. She does. She pretends that. “It’s not real! It’s just a joke,” she giggles. He puts up with the bit reasonably well.

Oh, FOR THE LOVE. Tara is a SPORT FISHING ENTHUSIAST from FLORIDA who is wearing jean shorts, cowboy boots, and a plaid shirt. I JUST CANNOT AND WILL NOT DEAL WITH THIS KIND OF IDIOCY. YOU’RE NOT THAT CHILL, DUDE. JUST PUT ON A DRESS. Sport fishing enthusiast is the kind of “job that not’s a job” title that you might think could go alongside “dog lover”. I have a feeling, however, that Tara will not bring me the kind of droll humor and joy that Kelly did.

Amber is a bartender from Chicago, and I love her dress. But Tara is not quite done with us yet. She tells us how she feels “judged” by the other women, but “they can judge all they want because I can wear a nice cocktail dress like the rest of them”. And she does. She puts on a little black dress. So what’s the point of the whole cowboy boots intro? He’s not going to recognize you? Shut up, Tara.

Nikki is a former NFL cheerleader who is so gorgeous, but during her intro, Tara sneaks around and gets back into the limo and comes back out the limo. Chris recognizes her and says, “You're back! What just happened?” He laughs, but I think he can smell the crazy a mile away.

 With the third limo, the driver is forced to bring a sealed envelope to Chris from one of the ladies. “Chris, please turn away from the limo and close your eyes. Hugs n kisses,” it reads. He obeys. Out the limo pops Amanda the ballet instructor, and she doesn’t let him see her face because of the whole secret admirer trick he pulled last season. Ok.

 Jillian the TV producer is in a slamming red dress, and she talks to him about working out. She doesn’t have a personality outside of fitness, so she is my mortal enemy. Then Mackenzie the twenty-one year-old mom whose son is named KALE is out with her hair just hanging. I swear to you, she is in her prom dress. It’s teal and bedazzled, and I would bet solid money that it’s her prom dress.

Ashley S. is the next out. She is a hairstylist from New York, and her face looks like she drank poison right when she got out of the limo. Her eyes are darting all around. Did she take some kind of opioid? She gives him a lucky penny. Her eyes are the craziest of eyes.

Kaitlyn a 29 year old dance instructor pops up in a short red dress and opens with, “I know you’re a farmer, and you can plow the f*** out of my field any day.” He just laughs and can’t form words because that is DIRECT. And crass. She then worries that he’s not a farmer because he doesn’t react at all because what the hell was that? He giggles nervously through the rest of the exchange. Poor, simple man.

Without the remaining women arrived, Chris walks into the party. There are only fifteen women so far, and it’s a departure from the usual for him to do this. Almost as soon as he walks in, Kaitlyn the dance instructor/aspiring comedian offers to tell a joke to dispel nerves. Chris replies, “Maybe I should talk first and then when I’m done, you can tell a joke.” OOOOOOOOOOOOH SHOTS FIRED, CHRIS. WAY TO STAND UP TO BAD COMEDY! He makes a simple speech about how the women should all relax and just be themselves. Simple man. Then it’s time for Monday night at the Bachelor Imrpov:

“Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?...Because he wanted to find a tight seal!” Kaitlyn chirps. The women are mostly horrified by this. I’m not horrified because it’s crass. I’m horrified because it is from a joke book and is TERRIBLE COMEDY. Megan, a makeup artist, admits to not getting it. At least she’s being true to herself.

While all the women go right back to freaking out about where the other women are, Chris takes Britt aside to talk to her. She really made an impression on him with her crying hug and note for one free hug. So that’s Chris’ taste in women you guys: Thirst.  He really likes her, to the point where they almost kiss.

Chris gets to know some ladies while the other women continue to freak out about where the other women are. I cannot stress enough how much they are freaking out. And just when things are about to reach a head, Chrarrison comes in to drop off the first impression rose. All hell breaks loose.

But before any of that gets resolved, Chris has to solve the mystery of the Secret Admirer. He deduces pretty quickly that it’s Amanda Ballet, and they sit down to chat. Her eyes are the size of tea saucers and they are filled with madness. They talk about Chicago suburbs. Romance.

Chrarrison arrives to steal Chris away to meet the next few limos of women, because, surprise, there are more women. The current women panic.

In the studio audience, we talk to an ill-prepared Clare who has absolutely no light to shed on the situation. And Michelle Money has been there the whole time, and I just want to chat with her. Michelle is the best.

The first girl from the second set of limos is named Samantha. Her arrival is overshadowed by the madness of the women who arrived first already being possessive and psycho about Chris. Michelle, a wedding cake decorator, is in a hein-hein-heinous dress. Juelia spells her name like an idiot. Becca is pretty and in world’s shortest black sequined dress. She takes Chris’ breath away. Tandra is an executive assistant who arrives on a motorcycle. Alissa the basic ass flight attendant brings Chris an airplane seatbelt…….She does. And then she shows him how to fasten it. I cannot and will not abide.

Jordan is a TWENTY-FOUR YEAR-OLD student who brings whiskey and is dressed in what looks like blue silk BDSM? I hate it. She seems like a mess. Then a girl comes out in a pig nose because she wants to “ham it up for [him]”. What the what? Why? The girls ALL agree that was a bad idea.

Then we go from the sublime to the ridiculous. Britney is a Floridian, WWE Diva in training wearing what can only be described as a skintight, lace hanky with matching wristlets.  THEN, Carly a cruise ship singer (oh, Carly) comes out holding a tiny pink speaker and microphone and starts singing “My name is Carly, it’s nice to meet you”. The feedback is bad and it’s so embarrassing. I’m embarrassed for her. It’s upsetting.

The FINAL limo has mercifully arrived. The first girl out is a fourth grade teacher who seems nice. Then we meet BO. Bo is a plus size model. And I want to love Bo with everything that I am because for the first time maybe ever there is someone over a size six in that house. But why is her name BO? WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE EVER SO SLIGHTLY MASCULINE? DAMNIT, BO. YOU SPEAK FOR THE TREES.

Guys. There are still more women trucked out, still more ding-dong women. I’ll just tell you about the last woman named Jade who is a twenty-eight year-old cosmetics developer wearing a figure skating costume. It’s not literally a figure skating costume, but with the slightest of ease could be turned into one. The top is all nude illusion netting and the only thing covering her boobs are crystals. Inappropriate. Go do a triple salchow and fall on it, Jade.

HOW ARE WE NOT DONE YET? I’VE BEEN WATCHING THIS SHOW FOR SO LONG, AND WE’RE JUST OVER HALF WAY THERE.

But all the women are here, so the circus can now truly begin.

Kaitlyn the Crass Dance Instructor teaches him to dance. Chris is impressed by her, but Kaitlyn firmly sucks. Then the “stealing” begins with the pressure mounting more and more for each woman to have time to talk one-on-one with Chris.

Chris is so overwhelmed with wonderful women that he says, and I quote, “I wish I was a polygamist right now.” Cool, cool, cool. Very cool. Very chill. I am ok with that 100% because it is way too early in this show for me to rage out about gender roles. So that’s cool, cool, cool.

“Every person you meet, is like an onion. You cut them, and when you cut them, you peel them back. You peel them back layer by layer,” Ashley S. the drugged out coo-koo bird explains to camera as we see her wandering the complex looking for Chris. When she finds him, she interrupts him to blather on about feeling like she didn’t get her time with him all while holding a yellow rose from the garden.  Chris laughs trying to get control of the situation, but can’t seem to. Her eyes are very intense, and she is talking so bananas, that I am sure she has taken too many Quaaludes. Megan tries to interrupt just as Ashley S. slurs to Chris that she wants to ride a horse through a field of sunflowers.

Then we cut to Ashley S. demanding that the cameras take a good look at what she considers to be an onion in full bloom.  She is demanding they look. She is convinced it’s an onion, and you can hear the producer encourage her to go take a look. “Let’s check it out,” he says. And she stumbles over saying “I mean, if it’s a pomegranate, God bless it.”

Y’all, it turns out to be a pomegranate, and y’all, she picks it. “Wow,” she gasps, “I feel powerful.” 

More and more women get drunk as more and more women talk to Chris and give him great first impressions. He’s met most of them, and now feels comfortable to pick up the first impression rose that is BROKE. ASS. It is bent and the petals are falling off and it is broke ass. But he brings that broke ass rose to Britt because obviously he does.

He is really into her and her exuberance. He kisses her. Wow Chris is not pulling ANY punches. He is kissing on the first night. You could tell he really wanted to before, and he just went for it.

As they come back into the house on the highest of highs, the women in the room look like they could murder. Chris is then pulled away to start making his decisions on whom stays and whom goes on this very first night.

Chris begins the rose ceremony by thanking all the women for being there and then jumps right in to call out:

 Kaitlyn the Crass Dancer

Jade

Amanda,  maybe, I thought he said Pimento so Amanda is my best guess

Ashley I.

Tandra

Nikki

Kelsey

Megan

Alissa

Amber

Juelia

Becca

Trina

 Tara the redneck is bumbling and bobbling this whole time. She is clacking in her heels and almost falls over at one point. And after Chris calls Trina’s name, he takes a pregnant pause, then walks away. He talks to Chrarrison about Tara and what he should do about her. He wanted to give her a rose but second guesses due to her current state. Chrarrs just tells him to follow his heart. I’m sure the producers sneak in there to give their two cents. And we are right back to giving out roses.

 Mackenzie

Tracey

Tara then gets called. All the women are super upset. Tara looks like she might boof.

Jordan the hot mess student.

Jillian

Whitney

Carly

And the final rose of the night goes to Ashley S. who has a really good chance of being fully addicted to pills.

I know the producers have a lot of sway in whom he chooses for dramatic purposes, but honestly, I’m pretty disappointed that he picked the three hot-mess drunks who were crazy.  As the discarded girls leave the mansion to talk to the cameras, you can see that the sun has come back up. It is dawn.  That’s how long that cocktail party was. All. Night. Long. That’s rough stuff for the ones who were heavily drinking and rough stuff for the ones who didn’t and know have to just go home after being awake for twenty-four hours for nothing. The women takes turns crying about why he had to pick drunks instead of wonderful women like them.

And then Kimberly who was rejected and didn’t get a rose, turns around from her interview and walks right back into the mansion to talk to Chris. We don’t get to find out what happens with that until NEXT week. 

Which is when I will see all of you lovelies next. I am so excited to be back on this Journey with you guys. I took a step away from regularly updating my blog for a while, and nothing short of The Bachelor could bring me back. So thanks for that! Recaps go up on Wednesdays, so until then, keep in touch. Follow me on Twitter @chasspod, and the Ask box is always open!

The Bachelor - After the Final Rose Recap

Jumping straight into After the Final Rose because never before have we needed to have so many questions answered. I’m so confused about so many things, and I need Chrarrison to pull me through.

“Why was ‘I like you a lot’ enough for Nikki to accept the final rose?” Chris Harrison asks us. Why, indeed, Chris? Why, indeed?

No time is wasted bringing Clare on stage in a stunning black leather, a-line dress. Girl has style. I think it speaks to the depth of the lack of character of Juan Pablo that I went from being so annoyed with Clare to being so completely on her side.

Chris asks her about what happened that made her so sure of that proposal. She talks about the night in her hotel room where he had every opportunity to ACTUALLY be honest with her. “Tell me your fears because these are mine. Tell me your worries because these are mine. Tell me your doubts because I’ll be out of here,” she says. And she also explains how disappointing it was to hear Juan Pablo say something so offensive and rude to her in the helicopter. “I was definitely wearing those rose colored glasses,” she says about her temporary forgiveness.

“I should have left. My gut was right on. I should have left,” Clare admits. Chris Harrison is very respectful in his questioning. I think we get the answers we want to hear from Clare without feeling like Chris is peeling her open against her will. So respectful is he, in fact, that he asks if she wants to talk to and see Juan Pablo tonight. She says no. “Because never before had I been able to stand up to a man like that before…It was so liberating to stand there and say ‘this is how I feel and it’s not okay’” she explains. That was her closure. And that was enough. The audience applauds wildly.  Goodnight, Clare. I wish you good things in your life. I hope you can take this opportunity to relax and let love come to you when it’s ready. Who am I anymore? I don’t know, but I genuinely want that for her.

“Finally,” is the first thing Juan Pablo says as he comes out on stage. He sends a quick shout out to pray for Venezuela in their time of turmoil. Indeed. But let’s not stray from the point. “At the end of the day I had to make the decision that was right for me and it is what it is,” he explains about what happened. WHO TAUGHT HIM THOSE WORDS?! I’LL FIND YOU.

This guy is so full of hot air. He blathers on for a while about how hard it was for him and how he did the math that there were so many hours he spent on the show but only twenty hours were seen. And then Chris Harrison politely interrupts, as is custom for a host to do when the contestant is blathering. And Juan Pablo says, “Um can I talk?! Hoo! Can I talk?” and Chrarrison bowls right over him because NO. YOU CAN’T TALK YOU DOLLOP OF PRIMORDIAL OOZE. NO ONE DISRESPECTS MY CHRIS HARRISON. THAT MAN IS A SAINT AND A TREASURE. YOU SHUT UP.

When Chris asks him if he would have done anything differently regarding the helicopter comments, Juan Pablo demures that things were private and should be kept private and there are many things we didn’t hear. “Why should I have regret?” he asks. He genuinely doesn’t know to what Chris is referring. He doesn’t know that Clare was deeply offended by him saying “I don’t know you but I like f***ing you.” The rat bastard.

Juan Pablo goes away and we tromp Nikki out. She finally got her blond roots fixed and she is in a smoldering red dress. She is still in love. And she does not know if Juan Pablo is in love with her. “Um, not exactly,” is how she responds to the question “Has he told you that he loves you?”. I don’t know. Gah. Now we’re in the territory where it’s hard to tell what is truth and what is not. Do I feel like at this point he should know whether or not he loves her? Yes. If he does love her should he be telling her? Yes! Does he need to shout it from the mountain tops? Not necessarily, but he should TELL HER.

The couple finally reunites on TV and cuddle up on the couch. Juan Pablo is very excited that the trying four months in secret is over. When Chris Harrison asks what the big surprise he had promised to the producers in St. Lucia is, Juan Pablo plays dumb. He doesn’t know about any surprises. Nikki is his surprise but there are no other surprises.

So then Chris Harrison has to fill time. And he decides to pepper Juan Pablo with questions about how exactly he feels about Nikki. He wants him to say he loves her. But he won’t. And Nikki hasn’t said a word the whole time. She’s like a silent prisoner wife being obedient and silent, and it’s hard to watch. This is a smart, strong, independent woman, but she seems so complacent and deadened.

Juan Pablo goes on and on and on about how it’s personal and he’s not going to just say it to say it and he wants to be honest. He disrespects Chrarrison AGAIN by calling him out for interrupting him. Rude.

We get Sean Lowe’s opinion on the matter. He basically says that everyone is different, to each their own, but it is part of the process to lose a certain amount of privacy. And it is Sean’s nature to tell a woman the second he feels it to let her know he loves her! To tell her and hear it back!

“This is supposed to be the good part!...This is the time to shine and express your feelings!” Chris says.

Juan Pablo won’t play along. Nikki finally gets to chime in after being asked how she feels about it. She basically says that they are happy. They are treating it like a real relationship. That unlike other couples who come on After the Final Rose, they are actually a real couple who aren’t just saying they’re in love because they’re supposed to. On the one hand, yes. Maybe it’s good you’re taking it slower than others have in the past, but also I think if you’re with a guy who can’t say the words “I love you” to you, that’s not a great sign.

“Our plans changed drastically two weeks ago after the filming of the Women Tell All, but you know, it’s private. Now begins the private part of our lives,” Juan Pablo says of the future of their relationship. Ok, buddy. Yeah. “now” being after the full week of interviews you are contractually obligated to give to all the shows on ABC and the tabloids and magazines and everything? Ok great.

Nikki silently sits there and lets Juan Pablo talk for her. He kindly disagrees with Sean’s opinion that it’s not public, it’s private. And Sean shakes his head and laughs, “I hate to burst your bubble, buddy, but after this it doesn’t stay private.”

And his lovely wife Catherine chimes in saying how confusing this whole thing is, and “This show is about love and finding someone…don’t slap the hand that fed you.” Juan Pablo doesn’t know that expression, which I won’t fault him for. But I agree 100% with Catherine. He signed up for this. This is part of the deal.

Chris agrees too and explains that he understands wanting to keep some parts private, but why wouldn’t you want to celebrate the good part which is that Juan Pablo did find someone to be happy with and that he loves, yet refuses to say.

“Twelve years I’ve been doing this! This is a Bachelor first. Easily,” Chris Harrison shrugs to camera and then promises us the big reveal of the next Bachelorette.

Who, if we couldn’t have predicted beforehand, we now all know is Andi, our plucky ADA from Atlanta. This is perfect. I think Andi gets the show. She gets the process and is “open to the process”. I think Andi has just the right amount of chutzpa to have a sense of humor about things, but still ultimately be successful in this. I like Andi a lot, and I’m really looking forward to her upcoming season.

She comes on stage in an awesome silver sequined mini dress. She is breathless and nervous, but is stunning. “I just don’t wanna pop this dress!” she says. That is exactly the kind of spunk we need! Chris Harrison and she joke along to make sure she understands the process will be televised and that if she falls in love and might have to tell the world. She feels all in and is so ready for this. She is ready to fall in love and maybe get engaged.

Which might happen sooner rather than later! In two short months I’ll be back doing weekly recaps, as always on Wednesday. Please feel free to submit questions and comments, I always do my best to get back to you. It’s so much fun for me to get to know people from all over the world who love this show. It’s such a weird, great thing knowing so many people give a rat’s behind what I have to say about all the madness. It is appreciated and so delightful.

So until the Bachelorette is back on our TV screens, follow along here at the blog for all sorts of pop culture fun. Follow along with me over on Twitter @Chasspod. And as always, besos mis amores. Stay awesome. 

The Bachelor - Episode 9 Recap

"There's a difference between being honest and being an asshole."

We. Are. Back. Yes that’s right folks we are back for round two of this week’s double dose of the Bachelor. One day later, one day wiser, one day of hating Juan Pablo more. Tonight is the famous Fantasy Suite episode where sex is the issue around which all conversations tip-toe. If the previews haven’t mislead us, tonight’s episode should be chock full of juicy stuff, and I also I can see myself getting very caps-y. Strap in tight. Grab your wine. Let’s do this thing.

  This week we are in St. Lucia: a beautiful Caribbean oasis with tropical flora and crystal clear waters. Juan Pablo starts us off by saying, “OH St Lucia you are beauuuutiful.” Clare is up first for the full day plus overnight dates. Juan Pablo has already mentioned “no cameras” several times because he’s very excited for “no cameras”. They get into a dinghy and zip across the sea to a yacht. Clare is telling us, in a very exuberant manner, that she is honestly not sure if she will accept the overnight date if it’s offered to her. 

Really Clare? You’re nervous about spending the night again with a man when the last time you did it you were publically slut-shamed by both the show and the man you’re “so in love with”? Sounds about right. Even as they swim in perfect blue water, Clare tells us again how nervous she is. “The fantasy suite might not be for me,” she says. We’ll just see.

We move right along to the dinner date which will ultimately lead into the presentation of the fantasy suite card aka an invitation for SEX. LET’S ALL ACKNOWLEDGE THAT SEX HAPPENS BETWEEN ADULTS, THE BACHELOR. Ahem, in any case, Clare actually looks beautiful. She’s wearing this flowing white maxi dress. Say what you will about her, and believe me I have, but she is always styled immaculately.

Over dinner they talk about how much Clare wants to meet Camila and be a big part of her life. While Juan Pablo says her name “ca-mee-la” Clare says “ca-mil-a” which makes me laugh every time because that is the name of Gonzo the Muppet’s chicken girlfriend. Camila. The Muppet Chicken.

The date card is presented! Clare demures by giving a big speech about how it matters what Camila sees and how she feels about it all. But Juan Pablo is like “haha it don’t matter. I just really wanna bone you.” And so Clare is like “As long as we’re on the same page.” So they go to the fantasy suite because OBVIOUSLY.

“Everything he’s said to trust him about, I trust him,” Clare tells us as they enter a beautiful and white suite. She is gearing herself up to tell him that she loves him. They sit on a white couch and sip champagne, and he grabs her ear. He grabs her ear and keeps petting it. Don’t touch my ears! Then he gently pokes and caresses her face, and I’m dry heaving. Finally he drags it out of her that Clare is “loving falling in love with you.”

“Come here. It’s ok,” he says. I hate this guy. Then they have sexy hot tub time. “He’s that man that I want to have babies with. That I want to get married to. And I’ve never felt that before,” shares Clare. So that’s where they are at. Have at it, you two. At this point you deserve each other.

But the date we’ve all been waiting for is happening right now. Andi is up. Juan Pablo is so excited and says that Andi is just one of those people that you talk to and have chemistry with. Foreshadow. They walk around a place called the Denner Seafood Fiesta. They learn to play the steel drums. They buy street food. They sit down at a picnic table and make friends with little local kids. They offer them food and the kids say no to food from strangers because they are smart. Juan Pablo further belittles them by buying them juice. Oh and then they all play a pickup soccer game. “It’s like a little romance mixed with some culture. What more could you ask for on a date?” Andi asks. I don’t know, Andi. A man on that date who can think?

Then they hop in a land buggy, drive through the jungle, and then take a short jungle hike to yet another waterfall! Waterfalls are their thing, y’all. They share a little picnic and seem to share some actual good conversation about what happened at the hometown. Then they have sexy waterfall times. 

Over dinner, Juan Pablo wants to take the time to address something Andi said during hometowns. She allegedly said that she “badly” wants to fall in love, and he’s concerned that she’s forcing it. And he doesn’t want that. She clarifies though that she just wants to make sure that she is in fact in real love with him before entering into the role of mother into Juan Pablo’s family. He accepts this answer, and for now everything still seems very lovey-dovey on both sides.

“This is my life, and I don’t want to make a mistake. And I don’t want to regret it later,” he tells her. And while those sentiments are certainly true, they don’t have the delicacy they maybe should. They talk more and more about just what the other person is thinking. He says she’s not sure if she could be a good mother yet. “I don’t know these things.  That’s why I have an overnight with you tonight so we can talk about those things,” he tells Andi. 

She accepts the fantasy suite card signed with love from Chris Harrison. What a load of boloney that farce of Chris Harrison hand-writing these cards is. We all know it’s some P.A.’s job, Bachelor!

“Waking up this morning, I’m so happy. We frickin’ talked and laughed for hours! HOURS!” Juan Pablo beams to camera. He even thinks Andi could possibly be the one.

Smash cut to Andi walking down a path in a black maxi dress. “Waking up this morning, I couldn’t wait to get out of the fantasy suite,” she says, “I thought that I was falling in love because I had genuine feelings for Juan Pablo, but the fantasy suite turned into a nightmare. I saw a side to him that I didn’t really like.”

She tells us how she’d had concerns all along, but had pushed them aside because the times they spent together, they did have a good “connection. But then Andi launches into a laundry list of reasons why Juan Pablo was being a downright d-bag on her overnight. Anytime she tried to talk about something personal, he interrupted; he was name dropping; he talked about his overnight with Clare. “I’m not an idiot. I’m well aware of the situation, but I don’t need him to tell me about an overnight date with someone else when I didn’t even ask,” she says. “He doesn’t get it clearly. He has no filter. And him having no filter just comes across as him not caring.”

“It’s extremely important for me to be with a guy who loves me more than he loves himself.” Wow. Andi you rule. I love that she is being 100% honest. There is no sugar coating on her words whatsoever in how much she is not into this guy. He is narcissitic and kind of dumb and she is done with him thinking he can get away with just being “cute” and having everyone fall in love with him. She questions why she was so blind and is sad that she feels like she wasted so much time with someone she knows will never be a good partner to her. Girl, I feel you. But don’t beat yourself up about it too much. I think I speak for all of womankind when I say we have all fallen for a guy only to realize very abruptly that they were terrible, awful, horrible, no-good very bad men.

And in that light, this is maybe the first time we’re getting to see one of the women have this realization in real-time. I’m sure that there have been more than a few finalists who, after leaving the show, realized that the man they thought they were falling in love with was actually a no-good butthead (JAKE PAVELKA. BEN FLAJNIK.). But let’s get back to the drama at hand.

We are skipping right along to the overnight date with Nikki. Juan Pablo feels like both dates so far have gone really well, so he’s looking forward to see how things go with Nikki. HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL. YOU GUYS. THE OUTFIT SHE IS WEARING. THE OUTFIT SHE IS WEARING. I can’t. I cannot deal with it. Nikki is wearing a FLESH COLORED, FRINGE TEENY-TINY CROP TOP WITH TRIBAL PRINTED FLOWING LINEN PANTS. It’s the most hideous thing I’ve ever seen. Ever.

  They go horseback riding across the island. “There’s a difference between being a nice guy, and being a strong person. I’m a strong person so I need someone to match that,” Nikki tells us as they ride. The two have both separately mentioned that the other is a good kisser, so we know the sexual chemistry is there. They have a picnic on a beach and go swimming. She still hasn’t told him she loves him though and is banking on the dinner tonight to tell him. 

Dinner comes and goes with little fanfare, no “I love you”, and one fantasy suite card that Nikki whole-heartedly accepts. Juan Pablo says he will get some alone time with Nikki then whispers “finally” in the most lecherous, horn-dog way imaginable.

Once in the fantasy suite, they kiss a little and Nikki finally just says, “I love you, and I think you know that. But it’s taken a lot for me to say that.” Then Juan Pablo whispers some unintelligible nonsense to her while kissing her. Then they probably have sex.

Juan Pablo arrives at a swank-ass cabana with Chris Harrison to have a heart-to-heart chat. After clearing up some translation issues because Chrarrison is the man, they very vaguely talk about the women and what Juan Pablo is going to do. I had also completely forgotten that this is the week that the women leave personalized videos to help Juan Pablo with this huge decision. How will this fadge?

Nikki goes first, and it’s boring and fine. Then Clare goes, and are you the least surprised ever that she cries? And then it’s Andi’s turn. And she tells how she had real feelings grow, but then says that when she woke up in the fantasy suite, she needed to share some thoughts with him in person. Enter Andi stage left to have what is sure to be a rough conversation.

“Not once did he ever ask anything about me,” Andi says on her long, long walk up to the cabana. They finally meet, and she is immediately emotional. She repeats what she’s told us already that she had some genuinely good times, and genuine emotions for Juan Pablo. She flat out says that she realized she isn’t in love with him and that she isn’t ever going to be. He says that “it’s ok. That if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be.”

“If you don’t feel it, there’s nothing I can do. I had you here because I liked you since week two…if you don’t feel it, it’s ok,” he says. And she says when he says that “it’s ok” it makes her feel like he doesn’t have feelings for her and doesn’t care about her. So he tries to rearrange his words so he can explain himself in English better.

He then says that it’s harder for Andi because she only had to think about one guy while he was busy dealing with the emotions of “twenty-seven, then nineteen, then the next”. Which is cool and demeaning. And then he repeats that he’s “Liked her since week two” and adds “So am I gonna die? No. But am I sad? Yes. Because I like Andi. I’ve liked Andi since week two.”

I mean what the hell guys? What the hell?

“Everything is always ‘it’s ok’ and I will die if I hear ‘it’s ok’ one more time!” she exclaims in frustration over him not understand why she’s upset. And he gets pissy that a woman is having an emotion in front of him and is like “why you upset?”

When she asks how he feels the overnight date went, he tells her how great he thought it was and how much stuff they talked about. She’s exasperated at this point. It’s like talking to a brick wall. He keeps repeating that he was “being honest” when he mentioned that Clare already had an overnight, and that Andi was there “by default”. He takes great offense! GREAT OFFENSE! Because he does not have that word “default” so he CLARIFIES that he said “you BARELY made it here!”

Oh GOOD. THANK GOD. THANK YOU FOR CLARIFYING THAT BETWEEN ANDI AND RENEE YOU JUST PICKED ONE FOR ALMOST NO REASON OTHER THAN MAYBE CUP SIZE. GOOD THING YOU DON’T KNOW THE WORD DEFAULT BECAUSE SAYING “YOU BARELY MADE IT” IS SO MUCH BETTER.

“There’s a difference between being honest and being an asshole, to be honest,” is how Andi reacts. And I cheer. I clap at the tv. Andi you are winning for calling this guy out on his bullsh*t.

The producers are going balls to the wall with shots of random wildlife. So far we’ve had: iguanas, birds, bees, ants, praying mantis, lizards, frogs! So many things! Back in the big fight Andi asks, “Do you have any idea what religion I practice? What my political beliefs are?” And he can’t answer anything. He basically blames her for not bringing up that she wanted him to know those things earlier. And Andi continues.

Then in a moment of moronic defensiveness he goes, “What’s my religion?”

“Catholic,” Andi snaps back immediately. And he turns his head down, and the look of shame on his face is PRICELESS. I CAN’T EVEN TELL YOU HOW PERFECT IT IS. SHUT IT DOWN, ANDI DORFMAN. SHUT. IT. DOWN.

He goes on to completely blame Andi for the way she’s feeling now. He puts it all on her that she should’ve brought up these things earlier, but she failed to do it.

The conversation starts to wind down, and Andi starts to shut herself down completely too. Juan Pablo makes one last vain effort to apologize for how annoying it is when he says “it’s ok” for everything. I think he does genuinely try to apologize but the word “ok” just keeps escaping his lips. Then he reaches over to touch her face but really just pinches her eyebrow. Andi draws back in revulsion and asks him to “please don’t touch me. 

She leaves.

In total Juan Pablo says “it’s ok” a total of 26 times during that exchange. That is one “it’s ok” for every year of her life.

“Am I disappointed? Maybe a little bit,” Juan Pablo says to camera. He then explains that if she had just left quietly he would have been totally crushed, but because of the fighting and the problems she talked about, he doesn’t care. I mean, he’s right. Women shouldn’t have difficult emotions or make their man think about himself in any light other than perfection. So I get it.

“I’m all for honesty, but there’s a huge difference between being sincere and being offensive,” Andi tells us as she drives away, “He doesn’t get it. And he never will.” She’s ultimately disappointed because she wanted to find love with someone, not Juan Pablo no, no no, but with someone. You are twenty-six years old, Andi. You are a federal prosecutor. You are smoking hot. You are going to find someone amazing.

“I hope to God he’s different with Nikki and Clare, for everyone’s sake. Because if he’s not, what a wasted opportunity,” Andi says as the two women are lined up for the rose ceremony. Juan Pablo comes out and explains that Andi is not there because she didn’t have feelings for him, so she went home.

Both Nikki and Clare accept their roses after Juan Pablo gives a REALLY GREAT speech about how if there are any questions or doubts, they should come to him right away and he’ll be honest. I’m sure he will. And the group cheers to the end of the “amazing journey they’ve been on together”.

And that’s that! That is the end of a really, really great episode of the Bachelor. I think a lot of the things that we have felt and noticed the rest of the season finally came out from the mouth of one of the best women on the show. I love that this happened. Juan Pablo got called out on all his bad behavior, and guys, the Women Tell All looks so, so, so amazing. It looks like all the women are going to rip him a new butthole for being such a butthole.

UNTIL THEN, MY LOVES! I’ll be over on Twitter @chasspod, I’ll be here on the blog answering your questions and posting other fun stuff, and I’ll be living in eager anticipation of next Wednesday when the recap goes up! LOVE YA!

The Bachelor - Episode 8 Recap

"Caliente pero no caliente"

Oh my sweet, sweet friends. Do you know how much I treasure each and every one of you? It’s true. We are few, but we are proud hate-to-love, love-to-hate watchers of the Bachelor and this season, my, has it ever leaned more towards the hate side. I enjoyed chiding Sean Lowe for being a little dim, but if Sean was dim, Juan Pablo is one of those cave salamanders who evolved blind because they live in the complete absence of light. But we’ll delve into that later, for now, it is time for the historic, and often ill-fated, Hometown Dates.

Nikki is up first which bodes well for her. They never put a particularly bad/eventful hometown in the beginning. She hails from Kansas City, Missouri and if my friend Candice’s mother is to be believed, it is known as the “Fountain City” and has the most fountains in America! It’s a beautiful fall day, and they are dressed like models in a catalogue.

“Being in Kansas, it’s the Midwest. And I kind of like a little cowboy!” Nikki says of her plans for their day. Sure. You can like a little bit of a cowboy, but as hearty Midwestern stock myself, I don’t think “cowboy” is one of the main descriptors of our men. Sturdy? Sure. Beefy? Absolutely. Cowboy? Ehhh.

  To prove his worth as a vaquellero, she takes Juan Pablo to a famous Kansas City bbq joint. It’s the real deal with plastic trays and sauces in bottles. Juan Pablo has never had bbq before and doesn’t even really recognize a rib. Turns out he LOVES barbeque though and is obsessed with the sauce. Then his final test of cowboy strength is to ride a mechanical bull in full daylight at an empty bar! Nikki just watches him ride around on the mechanical bull for awhile, and then he falls off. And then they ride it together. It’s yucky. Be glad you aren’t seeing it. Oh, and Nikki is in love with Juan Pablo and wants to tell him but can’t. That’s going to play out nicely.

Nikki’s family lives in a palatial estate. The mom, dad, and two brothers are all there. Nikki and her mom run away to have a chat right away. They talk about how there is a physical and a mental (HA) attraction. Her mom is right on board with her saying she loves him, with her saying that she would get engaged to him, with her being so head over heels.

  Now Nikki’s dad talks to Juan Pablo and it’s basically just a job interview to be her husband. He’s a sweet man, and Juan Pablo says all the appropriate platitudes. Nikki and her dad talk and the brother’s don’t even enter the frame of the camera. Nikki is tormented about telling Juan Pablo she loves him. And then he leaves. Byeeee!

Hey, y’all! We’re in Atlanta for Andi’s hometown. Juan Pablo is really excited. How excited? “Andi is just mmm,” he says.

Andi takes Juan Pablo to the firing range to shoot some guns. It is “some southern initiation” for sure, Andi. I like that she’s just doing her own shooting and target practice while Juan Pablo struggles in vain to get a bullseye. He finally gets one and makes good on their agreement that he can’t meet her family until he shoots a bullseye. Onward to her family where things aren’t all peaches and cream!

We’re meeting Mom, Dad, sister Rachel, and a brother-in-law. Her dad looks like a bald cave troll in an orange shirt in the most horrific shade of orange. As they tell the story of their aventuras around the world, Dad has already started grilling just about the number of women left at various points. He is red-faced and furious and sure that these two are just “infatuated” with each and not truly in love. That is a fair point dad. It’s like saying “I believe she believes she’s in love, but she’s not.”

Mom and Juan Pablo talk about not really anything. Then Mom asks Juan Pablo to show her his dance moves so he’s calls out ANDI BECAUSE HE’S SIMPLE AND DIDN’T REALIZE THAT SHE WANTED TO DANCE WITH HIM. Then he gets it and dances with Mom. They have fun.

Her father named Hy, which is the name of southern terror, sits down to grill JP. It’s all making something out of nothing just for TV’s sake. Juan Pablo asks in the end if Hy would accept him and his daughter in his own family. Then we break to commercial, but guess what guys it’s more something out of nothing because Hy says, “I won’t answer you because the person that is good enough for my daughter is going to come to me and say there is no one else in the world for me.” Which is really discerning. It’s a way of saying “let’s cross that bridge when we come to it.” I like it. I know he’s tough, but he’s a good dad. Yay Hy.

When Andi talks with her sister tough, she plants seeds of doubt into an already doubting Andi. She brings to the surface a lot of the concerns and problems she’d been pushing down from the beginning. Andi just doesn’t know. Andi is unsure. She is still unsure when talking to Hy, and could see herself falling in love with him. So while Nikki is definitely in love, Andi is still seeing that she could maybe fall in love with him. She keeps repeating that she is “very, very close to being in love with him” which isn’t really a thing. It’s just the same as saying “I really, really like him! Maybe this could be something good!” Which is NOTHING. HOW MANY TIMES DO WE ALL SAY THAT? We all say it so often.

Now we must move along to Sarasota, Florida to see Renee’s hometown date! She’s so beautiful and is jumping out of her skin excited to see her son Ben for the first time in eight weeks. I love her. I just love Renee. She is too good for Juan Pablo. She is perfect.

They reunite with Ben and Renee is beaming. She and Juan Pablo watch his little league game, and Ben is adorable. What a cute kid. Too bad he gets to have some future emotional baggage meeting a Venezuelan lothario on TV. Juan Pablo says he’s so excited to have a son so he can play baseball, football, basketball with him. AND NEWSFLASH BUDDY: YOU CAN DO ALL THOSE THINGS WITH CAMILA TOO BECAUSE GENDER ROLES DON’T NEED TO BE SO FIMRLY DEFINED, YOU DINGLEBERRY.

Renee, Ben, and Juan Pablo come over to Renee’s parents’ Florida casual home to meet the parents and her brother. Everything goes very well with everyone. The family is so warm and accepting because they are Renee’s family, so of course they are a delight. She tells her mom that she is head over heels in love with Juan Pablo and her mom urges her to tell him. Her dad is so mellow and sweet. I just love these people. They are top of the line, good people.

Renee ends the night, but doesn’t end up telling JP she loves him. The competitor in me wants her to “win”, but I feel like this season “winning” is more who doesn’t end up with Juan Pablo. So I want Renee to be free of him and to find the best man in the whole entire world who can be a dad to Ben and a rock for her.

The producer’s know and love how much I know and love their tricks of cutting to random wildlife, and have started off each hometown thusly. We started with cows at Nikki’s, then geese for Andi, then pelicans for Renee, and for Clare? In Sacramento, California? For that darling woman we get a squirrel and a buzzing beehive. Never change, producers. Never change.

Clare is obviously at a 15 to start and we climb higher and higher from there. She does however make a good point that anyone can feel like they’re falling in love on the exotic trips they have been on so far, but it takes something special to feel that way in a simple park. And again, in the interest of being fair, Clare talks a lot about her father, but I get it this time. She’s home, and she misses him. I can’t hate a woman for missing her dad who’s passed away.

  I feel like if Clare had saved all this heavyweight emotional stuff for right now, I would have liked her more. She tells a story about how her dad told her that whenever she misses him to just go to water and throw a rock, and as far as she throws that rock, he’s never farther away from her than that. I’m choked up just retyping that! That is beautiful. But it’s Clare. And she’s pulled the Dead Dad card way too much before now. And she’s too much. And she’s insane. It’s making it hard. At this point though, she and JP deserve each other. They aren’t hateful scum (Courtney and Ben), but they are certainly quite the Tweedledee and Tweedledum.

But there is a reason we have saved Clare’s hometown date for last. A big, big reason. A HUGE reason. It’s her oldest sister guys. She’s a huge ogre, and she is the worst. Drama erupts as Clare, the youngest of six girls, brings home the first man since her dad died. One of her other sister’s Lisa though is very sweet, very calm and very approving of Clare’s love. Her mother Aurelia is just a beautiful, strong matriarch with perfectly coiffed white hair. Aurelia is bomb.

  Sister Madeline is also so kind and asks good questions, but not in a mean way. She affirms Clare and calls her heart “tender”. The rest of them are all so low-key and docile, how did Clare get to be so high strung and crazy? Just youngest sibling syndrome? Surely there must have been something else.

Aw snap. Now it’s time for Shrek (sister Laura) to get her claws into Clare. She tells Clare that “they” are not ready to give a blessing for her hand in marriage. Aurelia, who they keep calling “mama”, is sitting right there and can’t get a word in edgewise. Laura is being a condescending jerk; even Aurelia is like “I just want you to be happy.”

“I’m not going to let you manipulate mama,” Shrek says, and then she stands up and crosses her arms because Clare is “not respecting mama.” Mama is sitting right there. Then Laura stands up and walks to the edge of the garden just to “watch” Clare talk to Mama. Laura is a cranky old maid. Shut up and go home. I’m sticking up for CLARE, Laura! That’s how much of an asshole you’re being!

And now we are at the crux of the reason that Juan Pablo is actually just a stupid man. Aurelia and he chat for a hot second in Español. Aurelia is baller, but when she asks about the weather in Venezuela he says “caliente pero no caliente” which is “hot but not hot”. When asked about your home country that you miss so much, all you can come up with is CALIENTE PERO NO CALIENTE??? Come on, hombre. He just doesn’t even have thoughts. In English or Spanish, there are no thoughts in Juan Pablo’s hollow head. Aurelia knows you need to get out of town, despite giving you her blessing.

Let us sweep right along to the rose ceremony! Chris Harrison walks each woman down the green mile to wait out their nerves. Everyone is feeling nervous and tense because this is probably the highest stakes rose ceremony of them all. It would be hard not to take it personally getting dumped right after a guy meets your family.

Juan Pablo tromps out to give a boring speech giving thanks for everyone’s open hearts and open homes, blah blah blah, let’s get to the blood bath. Nikki is called first. Then Clare. And now we wait it out between Renee and Andi. It’s Andi.

Which means my girl Renee is going home. And she is so sad. And it’s hard to see Renee be so sad because she is a pillar of grace and dignity and kindness and strength. I can’t say enough good things about Renee. Juan Pablo understands the gravity of the situation because he starts crying as soon as he looks at her.

Even as they part ways, she is so gracious, and says she is grateful for the experience of opening herself up to love again. And he cries a lot. And tells her how much he respects her. And even though it’s not much, it’s something. It’s something to be respected. Renee you will flourish and find someone so much better than that old bag. I do even believe she has a good chance of becoming the next Bachelorette. She’s got a lot going for her in that department, but I almost don’t want that for her or her son. We’ll see.

So that is the end of hometowns! You guys, are you so excited that you get to come back TOMORROW for another recap?! I am excited. It means we get to spend more time in the alternate universe that is The Bachelor. They are promising us a very dramatic, very juicy Fantasy Suite episode. So pop over to find me on Twitter @Chasspod, hangout with me here on Tumblr for more recaps and other fun things, and don’t forget you can send me questions/comments with the ask button! I’m trying to start answering those more because I love interacting with you guys about all this hoo-ha. ¡Besos y hasta manaña, amores!

The Bachelor - Episode 7 Recap

"I wish I was a little dumber."

Party in the city where the heat is on, all night on the beach 'til the break of dawn – WELCOME TO MIAMI ¡BIENVENIDOS A MIAMI! In those, the immortal words of the bard Will Smith, I welcome you to this week’s Bachelor recap. Let’s turn on the heat.

Juan Pablo is jumping out of his skin excited to see Camila for the first time in weeks. His little “chiquiturri” runs into his arms and clings on like a koala bear. She is very cute. They swim a little and hang with the fam. Cousin Rodolfo has hilarious adult braces.

 But now it’s time for the girls to arrive. They are really excited to be in Juan Pablo’s home town because next week is their hometown date. The pressure is on. Everyone is feeling it, but the swanky suite with free bikinis is probably easing the pain. JuanPa arrives to hand deliver the date card to Sharleen. She is very uncomfortable but excited for the “Come Sea my City” date.

Sharleen is doubting things right out of the gate. She expresses that she does feel a connection with him on certain levels, but that they are sorely lacking the “cerebral connection that [she] so need[s]”. Which is a really diplomatic way of saying that Sharleen is REALLY SMART and Juan Pablo is a little stupid.

Before the date starts, the girls sit around on their veranda and talk about how strange it is that Sharleen and he have a relationship at all. They share that she normally goes for really intellectual almost nerdy guys, and I’m like yes. Yes Sharleen. This is why we’re friends.

But the date is a low key but luxurious day on a yacht. I would be ok with that date. They snuggle and make out a lot. Sharleen feels attracted to him and that the sexual chemistry is there, but her big old brain won’t shut up that this guy, in the long run, doesn’t get her. As the date moves onto a private island beach, she tells him about her job as an opera singer and how that would play into them potentially having a relationship. She’s again, super diplomatic, and doesn’t give a definite answer. Basically Sharleen is open to change. Which means she doesn’t want to get his hopes up if she might be going home early because Juan Pablo no es muy intelligente.

Juan Pablo is so into her though! He really wants to meet her parents! He was even telling cousin Rodolfo earlier that she might be the one! But he’s not good enough for her! They kiss SO gross! They are the worst kissers ever! She is honest with him about not feeling 100% sure about him meeting her family and he tells her that she makes him feel smarter and that he admires her honesty.

And I’m on board until she says, “I wish I was a little dumber…that’d be so much nicer.” NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. IN THE WORDS OF THE GREAT JOHN GREEN “THE VENN DIAGRAM OF BOYS WHO DON’T LIKE SMART GIRLS AND BOYS YOU DON’T WANT TO DATE IS A CIRCLE.” OH GOD. I’M CLUTCHING MY BRAIN. NO SHARLEEN. NO. NEVER DUMB YOURSELF DOWN FOR ANY MAN. BEING SMART IS NOT A HANDICAP IN FINDING LOVE.

Which is why she says, “The little voice in my head is telling me that it’s not right.” Follow that voice Sharleen. When she gets home to the hotel, she runs immediately to talk to Renee because of course. Renee is a therapist. Even after sage counsel from Renee, Sharleen is still completely torn over what to do.

Nikki gets the next one-on-one date much to Chelsie’s chagrin. Chelsie feels like Nikki is always so negative about things, case in point, when the date card indicates dancing Nikki immediately groans and says “I thought I paid my dancing dues in Korea!” On the one hand, yeah that’s negative; on the other hand, if you don’t like dancing, you don’t have to be sunshine and rainbows about having to go dancing.

They meet up at a flower shop to pick out flowers. They are picking out flowers to bring to Camila’s dance recital. That seems…like a big step. Emily Maynard tortured herself over not brining anyone into Ricki’s life. Nikki is not only meeting Camila but also his mom and dad and ALSO CAMILA’S MOM. This seems like the kind of meeting that shouldn’t be televised. Nikki is really nervous. As she should be.

Camila’s mom is a BABE. She is outrageously beautiful. The introductions are fine and kind. Camila is adorable as she sings her solo and does her dance. These kids are precious. But a little too precious. I feel pandered to with their adorableness.

Nikki is really good with Camila when they meet despite Camila’s shyness. Everyone in the family seems genuinely kind to Nikki despite how strange the circumstances are. Ok. I feel good about that you guys. I mean as good as one can feel about a child being put on TV as her dad tromps around the world making out with women left and right all in hopes of finding her a new mom.

The dinner portion of the date is at Marlin’s park which Juan Pablo calls his office. This is, in a sense, true. They play catch on the field and Nikki is in quite the high hemmed, low-cute dress to be tossing a baseball around. I think she brought the dress in expectation of going salsa dancing, so she’s probably a little uncomfortable laying on a picnic blanket in it.

“When it comes to Juan Pablo planning this date for me, he definitely hit a home run,” Nikki admits. The rest of the date goes well. Nothing much to say there.

Wow wow wow we are diving right into Sharleen gathering the women around to explain why she is leaving. They are all like “why are you fancy?” and confused. They really say that! “Why are you fancy?” Let’s all say that to each other sometimes. She doesn’t think it’s fair for her to take a spot of one of the other girls who is sure of the future with Juan Pablo. She’s pretty beat up about it. I feel for her. I do. She is a strong woman though, and will make it through.

She steels herself to knock on the door and then walks right in when he opens the door. As they sit on the couch you can tell that she’s fighting back tears.  She starts to whisper all this stuff and finally manages to get the real issue out “I just don’t that I can get to the place that I’m supposed to be at in three weeks time.” She continues to whisper about things she’s already told us about being unsure and taking another girl's spot etc, etc.

Juan Pablo says he understands. But does he?! Does he? Because he does that thing AGAIN where he demands that she look at him and then also demands that she not cry. “Hey don’t cry. Don’t cry because of me. Don’t cry because of me because that make me upset at you,” he says. OH really? How comforting. Thank you for instructing me on how to process my emotions and GUILT TRIPPING me into not crying. Let the woman cry, Juan Pablo GOD.

“Even though it’s not easy, you got to know yourself better,” he tells her. Now that is actually a good sentiment. “You didn’t waste my time at all…If you did not come here, I would not meet you, and I would not see how wonderful you are.” Ok we’re doing better here. He seems like an actually nice guy. “The only thing that pisses me off is that you didn’t sing enough for me,” he jokes. And they laugh. And then she leaves. It’s sad.

Juan Pablo cries to camera as he tells Sharleen how much he appreciates her being honest and courageous and a strong woman. It’s the first time all season I’ve actually really liked him.

But the Group Date and show must go on for Chelsie, Andi, Clare, and Renee. What sets the group date apart from the one-on-one is that on this date there will be a rose given out that guarantees a hometown date. Everyone’s hackles immediately go up. They want to take Juan Pablo to their hometowns!

The girls hop into a sea plane to have a day at a private beach. I think it’s the same private beach from Sharleen’s date. I mean a private beach is a private beach but no one wants sloppy private beach seconds, right?

Chelsie shares some alone time first. Her mom sent her off to the show with a stack of letters, so she shares some of them with JP. She is so bright and fun. You can tell he likes that about her, but is it enough? They seem to have the least advanced relationship out of all the other women.

Then Andi starts to cry immediately upon sitting down with Juan Pablo. He clicks his tongue at her before hugging her to make her feel better? Like she’s a dog during a thunderstorm? She’s just worried about him meeting her family.  He calms her down right quick with some kisses and platitudes. What a guy.

Clare is obviously at about a 13. On a beach. If you can’t keep your energy below a ten on a beach where can you be chill?! WHERE, CLARE?! She is putting a lot of pressure on herself, and so of course she cries when talking to Juan Pablo about her family. She brings up the Dead Dad DVD again. I’m so, so worried about her showing him that DVD and then him dumping her. I can just sense this all happening.

Then the rain sets in, and the big reveal of the date rose. It goes to Andi. I’m excited. Even though Andi has faded from my favorite, I like her for Juan Pablo right now. Clare is furious. She just doesn’t understand why she’s even there when he’s going on dates with all these other women. CLARE. YOU HAD A DATE LAST WEEK. ARE YOU SO QUICK TO FORGET? Clare makes me really caps-y. This episode makes me really caps-y.

Anyways, now Andi gets to go on a special one-on-one in South Beach with Juan Pablo. They are going to have a dance concert with Romeo Santos. They start dancing on stage in front of everyone. Andi is really bad at dancing. Also I’m worried about her right boob popping out of her dress the whole time.

But dun dun DUNNNN back from the group date, Clare is still having a hissy fit back at the suite. “I wanna hang out with Nikki like I wanna get stung by a jelly fish,” Clare says. She’s feeling feisty and is not hiding her disdain for Nikki one little bit. So Nikki calls her out. And the gloves come off. Chelsie and Renee are caught in the middle feeling suuuuper awkward. Nikki, wisely, walks away to pull herself out of a dramatic situation.

So Clare decides that this is the final straw and she shall finally confront Nikki for being a bitch! Nikki is taken aback. Let’s also start this whole portion of the recap by saying I’m Team Nikki. I think she seems pretty normal, and maybe I’m not around her like the other women are, but I don’t think she’s a “mean girl” or a “bitch” at all.

Clare is being super combative and Nikki is trying to actually talk things through. But Clare is out for blood and Nikki finally cuts it off by saying “Clare, I don’t like you. We’re never going to be friends, so you can just excuse yourself from my room”. Clare no likey. Clare begins to have an argument about semantics that this room is NOT Nikki’s room that it’s EVERYONE’S suite and because Nikki didn’t pay for it, it’s not her room. Which is so childish and stupid I can barely believe it’s happening. No, Nikki didn’t pay for the room CLARE, but she’s allowed to have personal space.

Clare finally excuses herself by saying “you’re a piece of work Nikki” and Clare responds with “and you’re f***ing crazy”. Nikki ends it by telling us that Clare, like a dog, “marked a piece of territory that might not be hers.” Which is kind of a mean girl thing to say, but I really don’t like Clare and even though Nikki is kind of “whatever” to me, I’m on her side with this. Clare needs a Xanax, like, yesterday.

Everyone besides Andi is incredibly nervous. Nikki is making things more awkward than they need to be by being stand offish. She could make things easier on herself I think. She and Clare sit in complete silence at one point. You could cut the tension with a butter knife. Then Andi joins. And Renee joins. And the silence continues. Renee is feeling the tension. Renee! Queen of conflict resolution and good feelings Renee is having issues.

But blessedly, Chris Harrison arrives to pull Juan Pablo away and get this rose ceremony show on the road.

Quick sidebar: Are Clare’s boobs fake? They seem huge but are always separate and never fully “cleaved” together? Does that mean they are fake or so real that she lets them be naturally weird?

Ok! First rose goes to: Nikki (duh, she knew it all along), then Clare (because drama), and now the last rose is between Renee and Chelsie. Please God, let it be Renee. Nothing against you as a person Chels, you’re really sweet, but Renee is the best. And it is! It is Renee! Thank goodness. Even though I’m starting to think Renee might be too good for Juan Pablo, she deserves to make it farther in this competition.

Chelsie tears up and Juan Pablo starts to cry. It’s very emotional. Hey JuanPa, what if I told you you aren’t allowed to cry right now?! How would that feel?! He pulls Chelsie away to give her a more formal goodbye. But Chelsie continues to be her positive, wonderful self by saying that he’s wonderful and how she wants them both to have the best match out there. She waits until the fateful limo to fully break down. And then Juan Pablo cries some more. Yes Juan Pablo. See how good it feels to cry? Let other people have that feeling.

Holy cow, though. Next week is two episodes two nights in a row. We have hometowns right on Monday at the regularly scheduled time, and then on Tuesday we have what promises to be an extremely dramatic fantasy suite episode! Yes! I can’t wait you guys, even though it means double recaps. I’ll see you on Wednesday! And follow me on Twitter @chasspod already; it’ll be fun for us. Besos!

The Bachelor - Episode 6 Recap

"That's what I remember from when I watched the movie! Houses under a hill!"

Welcome back to the World Tour of Love aka Juan Pablo’s Unexpected Journey aka The Bachelor. This week we are in New Zealand, and I am muy, muy excited. To be in the land of Hobbits and Radagast and Ents AND Flight of the Concords?! These women have no idea how lucky they are. Let’s get started.

First off, is New Zealand kidding with us? Is it KIDDING with how amazingly beautiful it is? Juan Pablo arrives at Lake Taupo by sea plane, and the girls are also overjoyed to be in the wonderland of Middle Earth. The suite is so chic and has an infinity pool overlooking a gorgeous river and I CAN’T HANDLE IT. I’VE GOT TO GO.

The first one-on-one date goes to Andi. Once again, one of the front-runners who was starting to get impatient waiting for her time to shine. She’s the last woman there to get a one-on-one. Andi is thrilled and the other girls are thrilled for her, except for Cassandra. Not that Cassandra hates Andi, but she’s starting to feel really homesick. She misses her son a lot. Obviously Renee, the mother superior of this group, is the one who talks it all out with Cassandra and she gets back on track.

Juan Pablo sounds like has a little bit of a sniffle when he tells how great today is going to be with Andi. They climb into a sporty speed boat and tear off down a river and it’s just like the Brandywine. But all of the sudden, it turns into a primordial rainforest with ferns and mosses and drizzling rain. And the boat driver in his precious kiwi accent is like “get out of the boat!” and they put on aqua shoes and go walking down a stony mossy path in the river. It’s freezing. It’s kind of terrifying. I feel like they’re going to get stuck and die.

Andi uses the trusting Juan Pablo through the rocks as a metaphor for a relationship and just letting go and trusting Juan Pablo! Oh but then they find the waterfalls of hot springs! That’s so cool. Let’s go you guys. Let’s quit our jobs and just move to New Zealand.

“It was definitely the most amazing date I’ve ever been on. It was cold. It was hot,” Andi says. Those are the two most important factors in any date: extreme temperature variations. But Andi still feels like they need to have a good evening portion of the date to really connect.

They are at Te Puora which is a geyser and while a picturesque setting to be sure, I don’t imagine it being too pleasant because from what I know of geysers, they smell. Really bad. Sulphur smells like rotting eggs. And geysers are all about the sulphur. But the two love birds don’t seem to mind. Also, why doesn’t my spell check recognize sulphur? It’s an element. A pretty common one. It knows uranium but not sulphur!? DUMB SPELL CHECK.

“Ooo, somebody’s exploding right now. Oh, the big one?” Juan Pablo turns around because the geyser is going off big time. It totally ruins dinner because of the sudden downpour, so they huddle away under a blanket. Now looking on the geysers from afar, they snuggle and have a heart to heart about what everyone talks about on the Bachelor: the future, wanting love, wanting to spend their lives with someone. She gets the rose because why not? They have chemistry, and I still like Andi.

Everyone is gunning for the second one-on-one date, but the group date card arrives first. “Let love roll!” Sharleen, Chelsie, Renee, Nikki, Kat, and Cassandra are on it. Which means Clare has the one-on-one date. That seems rude and dumb.

But back to the group date at hand, Rotorua is the site and it’s a sweeping landscape, very windy, very pretty. It’s Cassandra’s 22nd birthday, y’all! She’s feeling very positive after her talk with Renee and is hopeful for a fairytale ending.

“This is my favorite place I’ve ever been. It reminds me, kind of, of Ohio, except we don’t have hills,” Chelsie tells JP. Which…where do I start Chelsie? That’s just NONSENSE. Regardless, after their little picnic they get to the crest of a hill and see the “oggo” run. It’s that thing you’ve probably seen before where people climb into giant, clear, inflatable balls and go rolling down hills. In this case they make them get into bathing suits and hop in a hot tub first, presumably to slick them down a bit so they don’t tear their flesh as they roll.

Everyone has so much fun and Nikki even manages to make-out with him in the “oggo”. It does look pretty cool even though when you climb out it looks a lot like a baby being ungracefully born.

Omg. Omg. Omg. OMG. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD THEY ARE HAVING DINNER AT HOBBITON! HOBBITON. THE REAL HOBBITON SET FROM LORD OF THE RINGS AND THE HOBBIT. IT’S SPECTACULAR. IT’S BEAUTIFUL AND I WOULD BE CRYING.

Sharleen is the only one with the appropriate reaction though: “This is so f***ing cool!”

I mean they are basically having dinner at BAG F**KING END.

Renee and JP have some special time first. They snuggle on a little hobbit bench in front of a little hobbit table and they have a little hobbit make-out sesh! Now he and Nikki have alone time on the same little hobbit bench. Nikki takes the opportunity to tell him how she feels, “I’m totally falling for you.” I don’t know, y’all. How weird would it be to have to check in weekly with a guy to say “here are exactly where my emotions for you are at”?

When he and Sharleen settle down, he immediately goes to kiss her and she once again does the weird neck face thing. The producers play some spunky, plucky music because Sharleen is awkward. “This process is a little inorganic for me,” Sharleen blurts out in a much longer word vomit of why she’s doubting what’s happening. And Juan Pablo continues to be the WORST DUDE because he just tells her to shut up and stop doubting herself. I mean on the one hand, yeah I’d want to be comforted but he always does it in this “stop being crazy, woman!” way.

Cassandra and the girls have fun celebrating her birthday, and she is gunning for the rose.  The girls keep calling the rose “the precious” and that rules. Whoever started that (I think Chelsie) gets all of my roses forever.

But then simple Cassandra is up for her time, “Oh that’s what I remember from when I watched the movie! The houses are like under a hill!” Yes Cassandra. That is the only important thing to pull away from Lord of the Rings: houses under hills. Despite not appreciating great film, she just is so excited that there could be a man who is a father figure for her son Trey. She pours her heart out to him about how much she respects him as a dad and she feels ready for love!

But Sharleen gets the date rose, and then JP pulls Cassandra aside for a moment. The other women assume it’s to tell her happy birthday. But no…it’s not. “You’re one of my special ones, you know that,” he starts. He hems and haws around the point but finally tells her that he’s going to send her home to her son because the feeling just isn’t there. She is incredibly gracious and says she’s disappointed. So he tells her NOT TO BE DISAPPOINTED. DUDE. LET PEOPLE FEEL THE FEELINGS THEY FEEL. THEY ARE ALLOWED TO FEEL FEELINGS.

He sends her home with a hug and some secret words. Poor thing. She’s so wee. And on her birthday??? Worst birthday ever. The producers overlay a truly depressing song to fit the mood in the New Zealand rain.

Oh but the bright side is that there’s a Hobbiton cat that’s lounging next to Chelsie when JP comes back in from the rain!

Now, now, now let’s get to the juicy stuff: Clare’s one-on-one date. Tensions ran pretty high in Vietnam after that little ocean fling, so I expect a high volume of drama today. Clare is expecting an apology for the way he behaved, but I’m not so sure she needs one. I don’t know.  He kicks right off by acknowledging the tension from the week before. He does apologize for being kind of harsh and making a mistake and misleading her. They make progress, but honestly I don’t give a hot shit about any of this. Clare is annoying and stupid and the ocean thing is a NON-ISSUE.

What is great though is the backdrop of their picnic. You know at the end of the Fellowship when the uruk-hai over take them and Aragorn realizes Frodo has to go it alone to Mordor and so Frodo pushes off his little boat into a river with a rocky shore? It’s like the river with the rocky shore and perfectly clear blue water.  But in this case there are no uruk-hai to carry Clare away and make her stop being on my TV. My kingdom for an uruk-hai.

Juan Pablo makes her promise not to cry because of him anymore. Again with the controlling of feelings? What is that? Is that thinly-veiled machismo? I don’t like it.

At dinner it’s more of the same conversation. I’m so bored. They change into sweats just to keep it so, so chill and cool and casual. JP is beyond horny for Clare. She gets the rose despite being incredibly annoying. But I’m starting to hate Juan Pablo too, so they’ll be perfect together.

The cocktail party and rose ceremony are taking place at an incredible sheep farm that I’ve decided is Rohan.  Our beloved host Chris Harrison finally gets to have a fireside chat with Juan Pablo! Chrarrison, please, please you rational man, help this fool of a Took.

The women are very quiet and tense at the cocktail party. There are three women with roses already, and Cassandra has already gone home, so that leaves three roses and four ladies. Everyone is freaking out.  Each of the women has good time to talk to Juan Pablo and make sure he knows where they are at emotionally. More than ever this season it feels like a harem/sultan situation.

Andi, Sharleen, and Clare all have roses and Juan is emotional before the rose ceremony officially begins. He calls Nikki first because she’s one of his top favorites; Renee is next because he likes her a lot too and darn it, so do we; and the final rose goes to…….Chelsie. Good. Very good. It was time for Kat to go home. Their relationship was not progressing despite how much she loved telling Juan Pablo about her alcoholic father. You’ll land on your feet Kat.

But after Kat leaves, Sharleen starts to have doubts about still being there. Well, I guess she’s had the doubts from the beginning but starts to really voice them here in Rohan. She feels “guilty in a way” because other girls might actually have a better relationship with him. As next week in Miami comes, she’s giving him one more week, one more chance and if she doesn’t feel it, she’ll go home.

What a cool ultimatum! That makes things interesting for sure!  I can’t wait. As you well know by now, recaps up on Wednesday, and I’m over on twitter @chasspod losing my mind about the Olympics until then. Love and many a wonderful, unexpected journey to you all!

The Bachelor - Episode 5 Recap

"Either I live or I die or I poop my pants"

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! HELLO!!! I may be two days late but I PROMISE not to be a dollar short. It’s been a bizarre week of my life, but I think things in Vietnam will prove to be even stranger. And we’ve also been promised some saucy pushing of the limits by some of the contestants to which I say: LET US SAUCE AWAY!

Juan Pablo is rightly stunned by the dynamic beauty of Vietnam. I think I know what you’re wondering though, “Will someone say ‘Good morning Vietnam’?”. YOU GUYS. YOU WON’T BELIEVE IT. SOMEONE DOES. IT’S CLARE. Let’s be real for one second though: I would kill to be staying in that suite, in that hotel, in Vietnam. Tengo celos, my friends.

Renee gets the first one-on-Juan. Thank God. It’s been a long time coming for Renee who has quickly become not only a front-runner but a fan-favorite.  She is full-cylinders, gunning for a kiss today.

“I can’t wait to make her enjoy the day and meet the world and see a different culture and eat some weird stuff,” Juan Pablo tells us about his excitement for the date with Renee today. I mean how magnificent is that run-on sentence?  Juan Pablo does get all serious for a second and say he really likes that Renee is also a single-parent and is the same age as him. At least the man has a tiny bit of sense.

Juan Pablo drives a pedi-cab over to a dress shop where they will have a tailor made dress fashioned for Renee out of beautiful silk. I mean wow. I want a tailor-made silk dress. Renee is so sweet and so kind. The two of them do have a very natural chemistry I have to say. They wander about the streets and eat fruits and buy their kids souvenirs and buy flowers. They are just very at ease together.  I don’t know, guys, maybe these two have a chance? I was worried she was going to be too platonic, but maybe not?

Night has fallen and the beautiful lights on the river are lit. Renee emerges in her custom dress of this rich purple and blue pattern. It’s beautiful.

“She looks good on those dress!” salivates Juan Pablo. Although not quite in the cartoon wolf way he salivates over say, a Kat or a Clare.

They talk about her ex-husband/baby-daddy at dinner. “I see her and I see myself,” admits Juan Pablo. I DON’T KNOW GUYS, HE SEEMS LIKE HE ACTUALLY REALLY LIKES HER. I feel like he has a more physical connection with some of the other women, but I think JuanPa knows, deep in his corazon, that Renee is a person he could be with as another human person.

Totes obvi Renee gets the rose. And then an amazing thing happens. They walk down to the river and they get to make a wish on tiny paper lanterns that they set afloat. Renee wishes for a kiss because she is like a dog with a bone with getting her lips on his lips. But no dice, Renee. Juan Pablo wants to be respectful of your son, so with you he’s taking things slow.

After that little aperitif, we move onto the meat and potatoes of the episode: the big group date. “Can you go with the flow?” reads the date card. Sharleen, Chelsie, Kat, Cassandra, Clare, Kelly, Ali, Danielle and Andi who is pissed about being on a group date once again, are all ready to explore. I really hope that it becomes a dissent into madness in the style of Hearts of Darkness. I would love to see Clare sitting on a bamboo throne professing her triumph over these mortal women a la Dennis Hopper. THE HORROR!

But enough of my fever jungle dreams! They are actually going boating in these adorable circular bamboo boats. Think of it as a semi-spherical canoe. They pair up ,and would you believe it? Clare elbows her way into being paired with Juan Pablo.

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. I love and cherish you. “Clare doesn’t have any friends in the house, so when Juan Pablo says pair up, everyone has a friend…but Clare. For the first time in history having no friends works to your advantage.” IT’S LIKE SHE’S DOING MY JOB FOR ME!

Of course JP and Clare immediately get stuck and Juan Pablo steals a kiss. So, that seems inconsistent. I think his idea at this point is that he can kiss the women he’s already kissed as much as he wants, but no new women will be kissed. It’s a very exclusive club troubled by severely flawed logic. Your daughter won’t care how many women you kissed, but she will care WHICH women you kissed and how much and how many other women it was in front of.

And of course, all the women see him kiss Clare. The general consensus is that it is eight women are along for the ride of Clare and Juan Pablo’s one-on-one. Chelsie agrees by describing how romantic her morning with her friend Ali has been.

After shoring up, they wander onto a farm where they are each given a traditional straw hat (Yup, it’s that one you’re trying to make yourself not think of because you’re worried it’s racist – it’s that hat), and a knife and a basket. They are taken out into the fields where they are helping to pick the produce for their dinner.

Cassandra, bless her simple heart, looks hilarious in the hat and is telling us all about the farm and how everyone works together in one big community and that “I was telling the other girls that we should have this in America”. And I don’t know. It might be the hat, or her simple voice paired with a sweet smile, or the bizarre yet earnest intonation of her words, but I laugh about that, all alone on my couch, for a good thirty seconds.

Then Andi has a little temper tantrum on the commune and Juan Pablo sooths her WHILE WEARING THE HAT. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT THE FACT THAT ALL THESE GENUINE MOMENTS ARE HAPPENING IN THESE HATS.

After the day’s work, they sit down to a huge, beautiful feast. I mean it is traditional Vietnamese food cooked fresh from the field! I want that! The consensus continues to be that Clare is the worst.

“Clare knows what she wants and she’s here to get it. And that’s Juan Pablo,” Kelly says. “And can we hate her for that?...Well I mean, we can.” KELLY YOU ARE AN AMAZING, SPECIAL FLOWER! DON’T LET ANYONE TAKE YOUR SPARKLE!

At the cocktail party, everyone has exotic looking cocktails with what I swear is an entire Granny Smith apple carved on top. Clare gets pulled away first with Juan Pablo which sets the girls’ hackles on high. Everyone is like, “Welp, seems about right.”

Oh hey, Danielle is still there. Just a reminder because they don’t let her talk.

Juan Pablo now brings Clare up to see his suite. Why? Why? Why? ¿Por qué? They have solo swim time and are getting pretty handsy and kissy-kissy. Clare is nothing but completely proud of herself in all her interviews. I hate Clare -The end, by Cassie Niespo.

How long are they gone? They must be gone forever, but we don’t see the girls’ reaction on their return because we immediately see Sharleen’s alone time with Juan. They sit on the beach and cuddle.  “I need to believe that he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears,” says Sharleen, which is a cute/weird take on the “bagel on a plate full of onion rolls” line from Funny Girl.

Andi is still questioning what’s happening between her and JP. She talks about it again with him during her time. They cuddle on the beach and end up making out. She really wants the rose and frankly, I think she deserves it.

Clare gets the date rose though because Juan Pablo is at least consistent in his horn-dog, sexually clouded judgement.

As the girls get back from their date, Clare decides she doesn’t want the night to end AND that she wants to swim in a warm ocean! I think that’s what we’re calling sex now! Swimming in a warm ocean! So she sneaks off back to JP’s suite, and he’s like, “Yeah let’s do it” because penis.

Clare describes the ocean as “waves of hot, warm bath water” which sounds so, so romantic: hot, warm bath water. They get pretty hot and heavy in the water and probably do some stuff under the water we don’t get to see. More on that later…

…Because now it’s time for potential mean-girl Nikki to get her one-on-Juan date! Nikki is wearing an impossibly stupid sparkly headband across her forehead. Can you imagine how irritating that would be when you’re sweating profusely in the jungles of Vietnam?

They walk through a beautiful, jungle mountain path. It’s amazing. And then they get to the surprise. And the surprise is yet another Fear Factor challenge. They are repelling down a giant hole in the ground into complete blackness to explore a cave. It’s so deep and so dark that they can’t see the bottom. Nikki is freaking out AND RIGHTLY SO. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I HAD TO TYPE THOSE WORDS RE: DATES ON THIS SHOW? WHY DO WE KEEP FRIGHTENING WOMEN INTO LOVE ALL FOR THE SAKE OF A STRAINED METAPHOR ABOUT LOVE AND TRUST AND RELATIONSHIPS???

“Either I live or I die or I poop my pants,” Nikki confesses. Yup. That about sums it up. I like her for that for about one minute until she makes another metaphor about falling and trust and love. SHOW DON’T TELL, NIKKI. Show don’t tell.

She has a genuinely difficult time going down the cave, so when they are stopped to catch their breath, Juan Pablo kisses her. And that, allegedly, gives her the strength to keep going. How splendid. His kisses are magical and medicinal.

Oh also I forgot to mention the cave is called “Hell”. How playful!

At night they have dinner in another tricked out cave. He touches her hair and her left ear a lot. They talk about how she is not a morning person and that it’s good to admit faults so you seem more realistic. Sure. True, true.

“Every day I’m helping people, but when I look back, I realize they are helping me too,” Nikki tells Juan Pablo in what I’m sure she thinks is an incredibly vulnerable and wise moment. I again laugh for an extended period of time.

She gets the rose.

The rose ceremony tonight is from another world of beauty. The women arrive by barge in their lovely dresses to a lantern lit oasis on the river. But things will not stay so Eden-esque forever. Three women are going home tonight, and you can see the tension in the room rise to threat level midnight© at the announcement.

As he sneaks each woman off one by one he gives us the run down on how and why he likes them. When it comes to Renee’s time, they talk about her son Ben and how he’s very mature for an 8 year old, and would “not be pissed” at Juan Pablo for kissing her. “So he wouldn’t be pissed at me” he says, and she says, “No! He wouldn’t be pissed at you!” And he KISSES HER. LIKE HE MEANS IT. It’s a good looking kiss, y’all. Renee is on cloud nine. She earned this. I just hope that he understands that their relationship is stronger for it and that kiss was way better because of delayed gratification (Tom Hiddleston and Cookie Monster know what I’m talking about).

And then, oh then, we move on to Clare and the Rising Regret of a Romp in the Raging Ocean. Juan Pablo confronts her and tries his best to express why he’s not feeling the best about their intimate time in the ocean the other night.

“I’m trying to be as fair as possible,” he keeps saying in an attempt to explain that he wants to give everyone equal time to build their relationships. Which, I guess, ok maybe.

“It’s not about fair. It’s about how you feel,” Clare fires back. But this is not the way to sooth JP.

She starts to cry and Juan Pablo tries to have her look at him and look him in the eyes so he tries to turn her head and then he cranes his neck to kind of peer through her hair as she cries.

“Don’t cry anymore, ok? Can you stop crying for me, please? Don’t be stupid. I’m telling you it’s ok. I don’t like it when you don’t look at me.”

ALL THAT AND MORE HITS FROM THE TOP SELLING RECORDING ARTIST: PORTRAIT OF THE ARTIST AS A YOUNG HORRIBLE PARTNER IN LOVE AND LIFE!

Basically what it comes down to is that Juan Pablo would not want his daughter to see what happened between them in the ocean the other night. Again, fair. But also we really didn’t see that much so I feel like he regrets taking it to a place physically that we weren’t necessarily privy to. I don’t know, man! At least you didn’t skinny dip with the show’s greatest villain of all time BEN AND COURTNEY.

Clare feels awful because “all she wanted to do was swim in the ocean” and did not at all want to disrespect the relationship Juan Pablo has with his daughter. I also see her point. Do I like Clare very much? Not at all. Do I think Juan Pablo is slut-shaming her a little bit over virtually nothing? Yes. Not good on you, Juan Pablo. Bad form.

She runs off to a corner of the garden to cry more and he keeps insisting that she look at him. He wants her to delete the conversation from her memory.  “If he didn’t think it was right, he shouldn’t have done it,” she weeps to camera. I mean, yes but also honey you knew you were using your feminine wiles to beguile him. But also no slut shaming? But they just SWAM IN THE OCEAN. WE ARE MAKING A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLE HILL HERE. Clare ends by saying an ominous “I don’t know where we go from here.”

But we must inevitably come to the rose ceremony where three women will be sent home. Renee, Clare, and Nikki all have roses from the dates, then he calls out, in order: Sharleen, Cassandra, Chelsie, Kat, and just to make her sweat buckets, he calls Andi last.

That means that Ali and Danielle are going home along with KELLY! THE DOG LOVER AND MY KINDRED SPIRIT! DEAR SWEET KELLY, YOU ALWAYS HAD SUCH AMAZING QUIPS AND SOUNDBYTES FOR US, AND YOUR “TIRED OF IT” EXPRESSION BROUGHT SUCH A LIGHT TO THE SHOW. DON’T LET ANYONE TAKE YOUR SPARKLE, AND I PRAY THAT THEY RESURRECT BACHELOR PAD SOLELY TO GET MORE OF YOUR RAZOR WIT ON MY TELEVISION SCREEN.

Juan Pablo and many of the women cry. It’s an emotional rose ceremony, to be sure. But everyone will have to raise their spirits because next week they are HIKING THE TRAIL TO MORDOR! THAT’S RIGHT! STRAIGHT TO MIDDLE EARTH ITSELF: NEW ZEALAND. LOTS OF CAPS!

So next week we will be posting at our regularly scheduled posting with all new sordid adventures. Are you ready for the number of LOTR/Hobbit jokes I’ll be making? Are you? If not, follow me over on @Chasspod to get acclimated, if you are, then still follow me @chasspod because lots of LOTR jokes happen there.

The Bachelor - Episode 4 Recap

"I threw up in my mouth, but then I swallowed it back down!"

I'm so excited that the international tour has started so earl this season! Join Juan Pablo, the remaining ladies, and my slowly increasing inebriation this week in Seoul, South Korea.

Of course we open on the tender moments shared by Juan Pablo and Camila before they part ways for many moons. Camila is 4.5 and her object permanence in general is not good, so she does not exactly understand what's going on.

When Chris Harrison enters the mansion to tell the ladies they are going to Seoul, they scream and react like the girls on America’s Next Top Model. More than a few ANTM parallels this season.

“Korea?! I don’t even have a kimono!” Clare cries out to the gods, who of course do not hear her prayers because OBVIOUSLY kimonos are from Japan, and while it is geographically near Japan, South Korea has a completely different culture and traditional garb. GOD, CLARE. GET IT TOGETHER. (Sidebar: did a quick Google search and it turns out the Korean traditional garment is called a “hanbok”, is similar in certain ways to the kimono, but still different enough that Clare is an idiot and I win).

They play some pretty generic “Asia” music as JP walks around and talks about how excited he is to be and date somewhere new. The girls arrive and are actually pretty cute walking around smiling so huge to take in the sites. Now when I say their suite is plush, it is PLUSH. Why don’t they focus on how fun it is to be abroad in a plush-ass suite with new friends more?

Chelsie, Cassandra, Elise, Danielle, Kat, and Nikki are on the first of two group dates this week. Nikki is extremely disappointed to be on a group date and not a one-on-one. She is not looking forward to it but at all.

The date is dancing to a popular K-Pop band called 2NE1 (pronounced “twenty-one”). They are Korean mega-stars that we of course have never heard of. The women are wearing athletic gear for this, for dancing is an athletic event. Juan Pablo is wearing a combination of harem pants + hammer pants. Somehow it works.

The queen bee of 2NE1 speaks absolutely perfect English and is really cool. Way cool. Cooler than I will ever be. I’m obsessed with her. Come back and teach me your ways. Everyone takes turns to show off their dance moves, some are better than others. Nikki just does mom-dancing to make up for how bad she is. It works. It’s charming.

Oh my God, Cool Girl is teaching them choreography. I’m so jealous. Kat is up on her high horse because she was a professional dancer and has been dancing forever. She actually says, “I’m the best”. Meanwhile sweet Cassandra is kicking ass because her most recent profession was also NBA Dancer. Kat’s on my last nerve.

Cool Girl and the rest of 2NE1 invite the women to their show that night to not only see the show but also to dance alongside them. That is legitimately pretty cool. Nikki is terrified because she’s not very good.

“I kinda wanna crap my pants. I hope we are performing for the South Korean School of the Blind” admits Nikki. Girl, I appreciate your realness as anyone would be muy nerviosa.

They get to have professional hair and makeup done and very cool, very K-Pop wardrobe that’s all neon and leopard print and sparkles. Nikki is still pissed that she sucks so bad at dancing and has to do this. Have at least a little fun in hair and makeup, Nik?

Now the night of the performance is upon us and, to be fair, it’s actually a mall show. But it is packed to the rafters. Cool Girl is obviously the Beyoncé/Harry Styles of the group because she takes the reins for the audience as well. Cool Girl calls the contestants up onto the stage to begin the routine, and I’m super embarrassed for these girls. It’s a bit of a hot mess: Kat is way too into herself, most of them don’t know the routine well enough, it’s a lot happening.

“If she would rather stay in South Korea and be a backup dancer for 2NE1, I think she should stay here,” Nikki sasses to camera. I love Nikki. Throw that shade girl. We are all thinking it.

After hearing the song a bunch all episode, I finally figure out how on Earth I know a K-pop song by the group 2NE1. It was part of the best routine all season on So You Think You Can Dance courtesy of Mark Kanemura, alien genius and choreographer extraordinaire. Click on this sentence to see the dance that will make you feel like an empowered high priestess from the future.

Back to the date! We are now at an absolutely stunning oasis of traditional Korean architecture where everybody settles in to have alone time with Juan. Kat pulls him aside first and tells JP that she’s not all just “fun and games”, and then shares that her father was an alcoholic his whole life and that he wasn’t a father at all. Thank God! Thank you for that VITAL piece of info which explains 100% of the reason you need constant love and attention and validation especially from men.

Nikki takes the time to shit on Kat a little bit to the other women there. Cassandra is like “no thanks” to drama and cattiness. Elise makes the grave, grave error of making sure that Juan Pablo’s eyes are open to the women still here who might not necessarily be good mothers. Never make the conversation about the other women being not good enough, Elise! That is a rookie move! That is a one-way ticket to the “crazy drama girl” zone and going home!

But in her one-on-one time, Nikki really shines with Juan Pablo. She seems to be very honest about things, and I can understand the difficult time she’s having. If I were around Kat, I would need to blow off steam about it too. But she also needs to be careful to not get the “mean girl” tag on her head.

Nikki gets the second date rose in a row and the other women are not happy. I really like Nikki and I think the other women need to take a step back and just focus on their individual “relationships” with this man.

Sharleen gets the sole (HA) one-on-one and the date card says “Are you my Seoul mate?” The Bachelor and I love word play. We get to watch a deeply unsexy shower with Juan Pablo and a zoom in on what I assume are supposed to be knockout abs. No need to objectify what isn’t even there.  What is interesting about this shower scene is that he reveals that Sharleen has been on his radar since day one and even says outright that she is his “favorite one”. He’s stoked for his date.

Sharleen is nervous but doesn’t know if Juan Pablo is “the one”. She is so stunning. Her eyebrows are just so strong and so, so beautiful on her beautiful face. The couple has fun wandering around a huge Korean market where they try on hanboks (HEY GUYS! THINGS WE LEARNED ABOUT EARLIER!) and eat exotic foods. They move on to a traditional Korean tea house where Juan Pablo asks her all about her singing because he really wants to hear her sing. She’s demure and doesn’t want to. I get it. Opera singing is, by nature, super freaking loud. And whenever anyone tells you to do what you do on the spot it’s uncomfortable. I don’t walk up to you on the street and tell you “do my taxes!” so don’t command me to “tell a joke!” or “sing!” in this instance.

After they have changed into their eveningwear and are in the patio of a temple, Juan Pablo and Sharleen joke around and he kind of pushes her into singing. Finally he closes his eyes so she’s comfortable enough to sing. So she does. And she’s really amazing. And then they kiss because he’s super into her and she’s starting to open up a lot to him. Slowly but surely.

“My skepticism is fading rapidly,” is how Sharleen wraps up how her date with Juan Pablo went. That’s good! I love how she is being how a normal person would be in this. She is so open about not knowing whether or not Juan Pablo is the number one man in the world that she needs to be with forever. That’s normal! That’s how it SHOULD be! I’m Team Sharleen.

But queue the record scratch: Sharleen doesn’t want kids right now. She explains herself very well, and Juan Pablo is very understanding about it all. He really, really likes Sharleen though, so she gets the rose because she’s so different and has class and is so honest. They kiss, and of course we see her tongue. They stretch necks like giraffes across the table to kiss more. These two need to figure out how to kiss each other better.

Ok Group Date time! We have the remaining girls so that’s Renee, Lauren, Ali, Andi, Clare, and Kelly. They meet up with Juan Pablo in the middle of some street. Exploring Seoul with some crazy activities is the crux of the date, so I guess it’ll be vignettes of fun cultural things.

Up first is Karaoke in a private room. They jump around going crazy singing in Korean to random K-Pop songs. Then they do some snacking at a market. Then of course, OF COURSE, there’s a photo booth. Swan paddle boats get involved.

And then, oh then, they get those pedicures where the fish eat the dead skin off your feet. No. No, no. No, no, no, no. They are screaming like the rude Americans they are, and I am almost puking. The fish are all over their feet. I hate it. But this is where we all start to turn on Clare. She is very territorial and possessive of Juan Pablo. You can see the crazy predator look in her eyes when the other girls are talking or sitting next to him.

Back on the streets, Clare insists to Juan Pablo that she won’t eat anything crazy “like octopus”. So obviously the next stop on the “Krazy” train is to a street food vendor who sells octopus. Juan Pablo is in on the joke, and I admire him for forcing an American idiot try something new. Clare puts up the biggest fight, causing a scene amongst all these Koreans. The other women are not having her drama-mama attitude. She finally eats it in the most dramatic way you can imagine.

Ali makes a good point that octopus isn’t even that exotic. “You can get that at any Italian restaurant down the street in Chicago,” she points out. Ali is starting to grow on me. I hope she sticks around for a bit.

For night time, they go to the rooftop garden at the hotel they’re staying in. Kissing Juan Pablo is the topic du jour, and it’s fanning the flames of jealousy. As soon as he pulls Renee away first, the claws are out.

Renee is hoping this will be the perfect time to finally kiss Juan Pablo. I am too because if it doesn’t happen soon, she’s just going to be “the other mom” and a therapist rather than a romantic interest. They end up talking about kissing a lot, but he decides to “take a step back” so he can “set a good example for Camila”. Hmm…

Andi’s time is notable because he mentions how much he likes that she gets his sense of humor and can make him laugh too. Laughter is like, so important y’all. He calls her “bella” and she doesn’t know what that means. And that’s fine. But I still don’t understand how they didn’t tap a SINGLE Spanish major in this entire group. How?!

Lauren, the girl who rode up on the first night on a bike-piano and from whom we haven’t heard much else, is nervous about kissing him. She flat out asks Juan Pablo for a “beso” while they are dancing to no music, and he flat out says no because of Camila. She, of course, cries a little because it’s hard to get rejected to your face unlike the other women he hasn’t kissed because they weren’t so awkward about it, Lauren!

She’s crying in front of Juan Pablo now which is really, really awkward. Juan Pablo is across the board trying to hold back from kissing too any other women, and the other women have now seen the whole drama go down between Lauren and JP. Andi pulls her aside to cheer her up for a little pep talk and she feels better but still feels stupid.

Clare is still on the loose though, and now she’s got her alone time.

“Oh my god! I ate octopus!” she says first. And then, “You know what happened? I threw up in my mouth, but I swallowed it back down!” Romantic!

They talk more about not kissing each other but then Juan Pablo tells us that he is helpless against how sexy she is. I mean, fair, but Clare’s insane, so that’s coloring my view of her beauty. I mean, she is nuts.

In the end, after all that talking about kissing and not kissing, the rose goes to Andi whom he has kissed in the past but did not tonight. He really likes her, and so do I. This bodes well for Andi.

For the Rose Ceremony we are at an opulent Korean temple palace. It is honestly stunning. They lay the women out like a harem on red satin sofas and JP pulls Kelly aside first to talk. I have no idea about their relationship, but I relish Kelly’s candor and wry sense of humor. I need Kelly the “Dog Lover” to stay on this journey. But we don’t see Kelly’s conversation at all.

Clare’s conversation on the other hand we get to hear. She makes some great Miss America speeches about how stepping out of her comfort zone is worth it. And just as Clare starts talking about her dead dad again, Nikki approaches to talk to Juan Pablo despite having a rose. Clare. Is. Pissed. The other women are pissed. Nikki is sowing some bad blood.

Somehow the situation in the house comes up, and all of the sudden Nikki thinks that Clare was telling Juan Pablo that Nikki is causing drama in the house. Then Nikki is upset and then Clare comes to talk to Kelly and Nikki. It’s a lot of nonsense so I’ll boil it down:

Clare tells Nikki that seeing her one way around the women and another way around Juan Pablo is rubbing people the wrong way. Clare tells Nikki that that behavior doesn’t merit a rose so Nikki replies, “Well, you’re not handing out the roses.” So that’s that for now. Of course they will both stay around for a long time, so we need to remember this as the beginning of the feud.

At the end of the night there are roses to hand out. Sharleen, Nikki, and Andi are all safe already. Juan Pablo calls out the names in the following order: Renee, Chelsie, Kelly, Danielle (I, TOO, FORGOT SHE WAS STILL HERE), Cassandra, Ali (who he always calls Alison), Clare, and the final rose goes to Kat. This means poor, awkward Lauren is going home as well as Elise. I told you, Elise. I warned you that bringing up anyone elses shit would get you here and I was right.

Next week they are off to a warmer clime in Vietnam! So now I must leave you until then. Of course you can, and should, find me over on Twitter @chasspod, and new recaps go up every Wednesday. ¡Un besote mis amores!

The Bachelor - Episode 3 Recap

Can you believe we’re only three weeks into Juan Pablo’s journey to love? I can’t. I also can’t believe the recent little homophobic comments he made and subsequently blamed on translation problems. I don’t know man, you can say “Holy moly macaroni” but you’ll chalk the other stuff up to confusion? No te creo, JP, no te creo. In any case, backwards mindsets aside, lets dive in, shall we?

After the tough time she had at the rose ceremony the night before, Cassandra gets the first one-on-Juan date, hand delivered to her by Chrarrison in world’s ugliest color-block shirt. She’s so surprised and elated while the rest of us are like “duh”. Do you think Juan Pablo knows she’s twenty-one or is his judgment clouded by his penis’ reaction to her?

Before the date we get to see Juan Pablo doing some extraordinarily mediocre parenting with Camila and his mom and dad in a park. Camila is being a little brat and does not want to eat chicken. Juan Pablo physically wrangles her into eating it. Then he sends her away and Cassandra arrives.

They hop into a brightly colored jeep that looks like one of the Jurassic Park cars only without a top. As they drive along the water in Long Beach, Cassandra tells us that she hasn’t been on a first date since she was 18 years-old which checks out because she had a kid at 19 and is now 21. But it’s not like it’s some huge, revelatory moment like if she was 30 and hadn’t been on a date in twelve years. She’s a college junior! That is how old she is! Remember yourself as a college junior?!

“Cassandra just loves the water, so I definitely have to give her what she wants,” Juan tells us. Like, ew, man. Gross, dude. Harshing my jam, bro. Please don’t ever say “I have to give her what she wants” as it pertains to water sport or really ever. As Cassandra wildly speculates on what they’ll be doing (Paddleboarding? Canoeing? Yachting? Shut up?), JP pounds the gas and drives straight into the canal. It’s a duck-boat!

“I thought it was a car, but now I’m just thinking this is like from the movies right now,” explains Cassandra who has no idea of what constitutes a car vs. a boat vs. both. Then a saccharine pop song that sounds like it could be on the Princess Diaries 2 soundtrack plays over them jetting around on the water, having a blast.

Meanwhile, back at the mansions, Renee is once again having an intimate chat with one of the other women. Elise is telling her about how her mom wrote a letter to submit Elise to the Bachelor but got so sick that she wasn’t able to send it in. She feels like it was destiny that she found the letter to submit herself for the Bachelor, and that her mom made it all happen.

Before realizing that she’s died though, Renee asks if Elise’s mom is ok now. Elise’s response: “No, she passed away babe.” SHE PASSED AWAY, BABE. She passed away, babe. What is wrong with me, or really the people on this show that they keep making me laugh with the way they explain how their parents have died? First Clare with “there was something wrong with his brain and that something was brain cancer” and now “she passed away, babe”????? Who’s next? Who else would like to tell me “My dog loved to run. He loved to run so much he ran into the street and a car RAN him over”??

Back to the date, the duck-boat-car does pull up to a big yacht where Cassandra and JP have a nice time relaxing and swimming and making out in the water a little. She, of course, says she’s going to just “jump in” with Juan Pablo over a clip of them jumping into the water. Classic.

This date has a third act taking place at Juan Pablo’s bachelor pad where they will cook dinner together and dance in the kitchen. Cassandra has now said “this is my first date in three years” or “first date since I was 18” about six times. I’m not exaggerating. YOU ARE TOO YOUNG FOR THAT TO BE A BIG DEAL. UGGGH. WHILE I WAS TYPING THIS SHE SAID IT AGAIN!

They finish off the date eating chocolate bon-bons by an outdoor fire. Before he hands the rose out, I feel like he might not give it to her. The whole time everyone, even other girls, have been emphasizing to us that if he doesn’t feel there’s a future, he will send Cassandra home to her kid. But she gets the rose. Here are the things Juan Pablo likes about Cassandra: she’s beautiful, she’s funny, she dances. Cool list, bro.

Kelly, Renee, Sharleen, Danielle, Alli, Lauren, Andi, Christy, Lucy and Nikki are going on a group date that says “Let’s kick it!” They are obviously playing soccer. Elise is really hoping she gets the one-on-one though, especially because she thinks of Chelsie as a child.

The date is of course, soccer themed, and they are playing some fútbol at the LA Galaxy stadium. Some of the girls, like Alli, are super excited to play alongside JuanPa, and some of the girls, like Kelly, are feeling a little unathletic and nonplussed. I’m with you, Kell.

They practice warm ups and training exercises, and I’m like, ugh, no thanks. I graduated high school solely to be done with gym class. After practice, the girls split into the fabled Red and Blue teams to battle each other. They come out looking intense but have written Juan Pablo’s nae all over their bodies. Ladies, you are all better than writing the same guys name on your bodies.

Even with a game going on, they are not doing the “losing team goes home, winner continues on the date” thing which is such a breath of fresh air. The game gets intense and poor Sharleen is getting hit over and over again in the face, stomach, face, arm, face again! Poor Sharleen. Even JP manages to knock her down.

After the game that it looks like most of the girls actually enjoy, they go change for the dinner portion. They stay at the stadium, so everyone is pulling him aside to different parts of the stadium. Nikki has a great chat, but she’s disappointed and worried that they don’t kiss.

Andi and Juan jump into the concession stand to hang out. They mostly kiss and don’t talk as much. Danielle shares that she was adopted, Lucy and he chat, Christy is there doing something I guess but they have not showed her one single time. I forgot she was there.

Then Sharleen and he set up a little blanket on the field in plain view of all the other lionesses. They both say that the time they share feels “organic”, and honestly I have to agree. She isn’t as Miss America as the other women when they talk, and he is so obviously smitten with her.

Then he moves in to kiss her.

Sharleen retracts her neck and extends her tongue into the kiss. Am I painting enough of the awkward picture? Even when she goes in for the second one, she sticks her tongue into his mouth first and then finishes off with her lips and other face parts. What is this? My roommate did an impression of it, and I have to say it looks a lot like my famous iguana impression that I do while eating lettuce. Sharleen kisses like an iguana eating lettuce. It’s gross.

Even after that very intimate and beautiful moment, Nikki gets the date rose because he likes himself a hot blond. Sharleen and Andi  are none too pleased.

Much to Elise’s shagrin, the one-on-Juan date goes to Chelsie. “I don’t know if having another daughter is what he wants,” she quips. Whatever Elise, relax.

Chelsie is excited for her one-on-Juan date today. Elise is incredibly jealous and thinks Chelsie is like a child and doesn’t deserve to be a single-mom yet. Ok, Elise, put the claws away. The date card said “Do you trust me?” which is a bad sign in terms of signing a safety waiver. But first they just car dance to some fun music and then go to a Venezuelan restaurant. Chelsie is adorable. She reminds me face-wise of a girl I know and I think that’s why I’m in instantly fond of her.

Oh God. Oh no. Oh god oh no. They walk out to the middle of a bridge over a river, and of course Fear Factor Bachelor continues with a tandem bungee jump. Chelsie is freaked out but is doing ok until they get to the platform edge where they need to dive from. And then she has a panic attack. Because it’s TERRIFYING TO JUMP FROM A BRIDGE. Even if you’re a thrill seeker, you can’t denying that jumping from a bridge goes against every instinct that has been bred in us since we first started walking upright. This poor girl. I bet she’s contractually obligated to do it too, just like Andi and that nude photo shoot last week.

Juan Pablo comforts her like he would comfort Camila. He keeps insisting that she looks at him and then he says, “Just do it for me.” And now I’m a screaming rage-ball again. Just like posing nude for an unnamed and rather dubious DOG foundation, I don’t feel like this poor girl needs to bungee jump for a bridge to prove her ability to love and be a good partner. What the hell? What the hell? What the hell is this show? Juan Pablo is insane. I’m almost at my wits end

He does say that whatever she wants to do is ok and if she doesn’t want to do it, she doesn’t have to. I can hear how scared she is, and she sheds a few tears. I appreciate that she is very real in how scared she is to do this. And after saying “just do it for me” Juan Pablo does end up being actually helpful and less coercive.

I guess his calming platitudes work because they do it! They jump! And then they Spiderman kiss hanging upside down! Then both of them use it as a metaphor for love! It IS like jumping off a bridge together!!!!

Oh Chelsie. You are cute as a button and do seem to be quite young, but that doesn’t mean you won’t be sticking around for at least a few of the stops on the upcoming international tour. Oh, oh ok there is still the dinner portion of this date to get through in downtown Pasadena. Oh I thought the date was over. Oh ok. Got it.

Chelsie tells us she’s the black sheep of her family for being a teacher in a family of doctors. The only thing Juan Pablo knows how to talk about is being a single dad though? Chelsie keeps trying to make him talk about himself and he’s like SOY PAPÁ. And then she gets the rose for cuteness and bravery.

Second private concert of the season on only the second week of one-on-Juan dates! Who’s this guy? Some country singer? He’s super hot. He’s wearing a henley. It’s Billy Currington. That’s fine. Billy Currington can stay.

The next day, the day of the cocktail party and rose ceremony, Juan Pablo sneaks into the house to cook traditional Venezuelan “arepas” for everyone. It’s like a deluxe breakfast burrito. Just then, Kelly walks through the kitchen to walk Molly and runs away as quickly as she can to fix her face and put on a bra. One by one, the ladies come downstairs to join JP in the kitchen and just have a chill ass morning. It’s so chill.

It continues to be, like, super chill when JP eschews the cocktail party in favor of a pool party. It’s fun to see which girls hurry to put on makeup and fix their hair along with putting on their bathing suits. But as the previews have shown us, the chill good time vibes are about to go away as tensions rise and everyone turns a shade of jealous green.

Kat immediately puts on the Big Breasted Blonde show for JP and the other girls do not take so kindly to her.

“Juan Pablo’s head was in her crotch for like 20 minutes,” Kelly deadpans in response to them doing chicken fights in the pool.  Kelly has become the absolute number one source of comedic commentary on this show. Who knew? The “Dog Lover” as a professional is astute with an acerbic sense of humor.

Sharleen is really affected by Kat putting on such a show when the cameras are around. When she talks to Juan Pablo about how she’s having a hard time with it, she ends up crying. I feel like its genuine. But then of course he moves in to comfort her, and of course they end up sucking face.  But lo! The other girls can see! And everyone is getting hot and bothered like a pack of hungry lionesses.

Clare especially is having a hard time. Such a hard time in fact that she behaves as Camila would and runs away from everyone else to lock herself in the bathroom. Everyone is throwing the words “process” and “journey” around like hot cakes. Oh WOULD YA LOOK AT THAT! SOMEONE IS IN NEED AND RENEE IS ONCE AGAIN THERE!

She’s such a great person who comforts and helps everyone with a listening ear that I’m beginning to think she’s a therapist the producers brought in as a ringer to help all these women. Outside the bathroom, the other women acknowledge that Clare is a “ticking time bomb” of high strung emotion. They agree with me that Clare is always at a 15 and needs to be at a solid 9 for her own happiness.

Of course the next thing they show is Juan Pablo calming Clare down from her 17.5 temper tantrum of not being able to handle “the process”. JP seems to really like her still, so at this point Clare is Clare’s worst enemy.

Rose ceremony time. Cassandra, Nikki, and Chelsie all have roses from their previous date. Who’s in at the ceremony: Andi, Renee, Kelly, Sharleen, Elise, Kat, Alli, Clare, Lauren, and Danielle.

Wow. With Danielle whom we’ve heard practically nothing from, Juan Pablo sends home Christy the hot mess who never quite got her foundation figured out, and more importantly Lucy! Lucy who kind of grew on me after last episode. I think in the end he probably just realized she wasn’t really ready to be a mother, but Lucy will land on her feet. I have no doubt. Her “best friend Kate Upton” will surely be able to help her get back out there and find love.

Next week begins the international traveling and they are once again taking a tour of Asia. I believe South Korea is up first, and we’ll see how everyone’s nerves do with jet lag and culture shock! Until next time, I’ll be over on twitter @Chasspod and back in your hearts and homes next Wednesday. ¡Besos!

The Bachelor - Episode 2 Recap

"That's what life's about. Straddling people. And Things."

We'll get to that quote a little later, but it was just so beautiful and perfect that I needed it to be emboldened, front and center. I might need it air brushed onto a t-shirt. Let's all remember that lil dollop of wisdom as we continue on this entire "adventure" to find love.

They waste no time jumping to the first one-on-one date with Clare. You remember Clare. She faked a pregnancy to meet the man to whom she wants to show her Dead Dad DVD. Clare is over the moon excited for this date.

“I know it sounds crazy, but this could be my first date with my future husband!” she beams to camera. I need Clare to take it down about 6 notches. She’s at about a 15, and I need her at a solid 9.

Juan Pablo blindfolds her which according to the girls is CRAZY! WILD! SO UNPREDICTABLE! And he whisks her away in his car. They arrive at a spectacular winter wonderland with snow covered pines and twinkling lights. It’s pretty stunning. Clare is giggling and laughing and beaming and squealing. She’s now at about an 18. To see her so excited makes Juan Pablo feel “bedder manna meelion bucks” (better than a million bucks).

They sled! They skate! Clare drops the first “fairy tale” of the season! And Juan Pablo dutifully reminds us that this is also his first ever one-on-one date. All told, it’s a pretty good one. I approve. We’re hearing a lot of very emotional words from Clare, and I’m scared she’s gonna be the psycho who falls in love way too quickly.

“I haven’t felt this alive because of a man in a long, long, long time,” she says. Oh, boy. I’m worried about this. She is near tears 90% of the time. Even when describing the way he “slithers into the spa”. I can’t Clare. I need you at a 9, and you are at a 15 and above at all times.

And you’re even higher than a 15 when you are intimately massaging Juan Pablo while almost crying talking about your Dead Dad. “Unless you’re gonna come in and be like a wonderful positive thing in my life, I will wait forever for that right one.” Um, is that a threat, Clare?

Also all during that, Juan did not pick up on the fact that her dad has died so when he asks about the story of her necklace, she has to talk even more about her Dead Dad. You can see his gears turning so, so fast trying to understand and make her feel comfortable.

“If you had a father that treated you like a princess, you will want a man who treats you like a princess,” Juan Pablo explains. Then he gets the rose to bring to Clare, who is still in the hot tub. “I’m having a very, very much good time with you. It was pretty, pretty much increíble,” are the words he chooses to express himself. I feel it important to tell you that anything I ever transcribe from Juan Pablo is exact because the way he chooses his words is hilarious and amazing.

OH DID YOU THINK THE DATE WAS OVER? NOPE. PRIVATE CONCERT. THERE IS ALWAYS TIME FOR A PRIVATE CONCERT ON THE BACHELOR. THIS ONE IS COURTESY OF JOSH KRAJCIK WHO I GUESS WAS ON THE X FACTOR. THANKS, JOSH!

Once again we’re making a quick transition over to Kat for her one on one date with Juan Pablito. Kat was not very memorable from night one, so I’m interested to see what she’s like other than pretty and blond. She, too, is flipping her lid that she is really going on this date today.

Juan Pablo picks her up at the mansion in his sick ass Tesla (I hope it’s not the kind that spontaneously combusts). The next mode of transportation they take is a private jet! No thank you! That seems way too involved for a single date!

JP excuses himself for a second to get some “soo-price-ess” (surprises) that are clues for the date. While he’s gone, Kat day dreams out the window that perhaps they’re taking a TRANSCONTINENTAL FLIGHT ON A PRIVATE JET THE SIZE OF PICK UP TRUCK. No Kat, you’re not going to Miami. And no Kat, you’re not going to New York City where it’s “kind of private and just the two of you” because that’s also not a thing in addition to a 5+ hour flight.

After a costume change into crazy neon outfits complete with flashing LED lights, they land in Salt Lake City, Utah. As night falls they run down a path that’s lighting up with colors as they go, and the trees are blinking with neon umbrellas stuck in them and they finally reach a screaming crowd because this date is yours and my collective nightmare: a 5K Electric Run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And Kat and Juan Pablo are the official kick starters of the race, so off they go. I would die. I would literally fake my death in order to get out of going on a five kilometer jog as a first date with a guy. I guess some of you psychos genuinely enjoy jogging and physical fitness, but I swear to the Lord Who Made Me if anyone ever sprung recreational jogging on me I will kill myself or him Amen.

There is electronic music blasting and people are screaming as they run. There are regularly spaced dance breaks. And I guess if I weren’t the kind of indoor-kid troll that I am, I would enjoy that date. And Kat is yet another former NBA dancer in the house so they look like they have fun. And boy can you guys even imagine the number of times they use electricity as a metaphor for love?!?! So many you could fuel a small city with their power HA HA HA.

After the finish line, there is a massive, I’m thinking genuinely about 15,000 people grouped together for a huge dance party that Kat and Juan Pablo basically MC by dancing on stage with the DJ. After once again announcing, “I am having a good time!!!” Juan Pablo picks up the rose and gives it to Kat over the roars of the audience. Good for them. But did they get to know each other enough over the sensual dancing and music? We’ll have to wait and see.

Now for the group date we have Chelsea, Christie, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Alli, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria and Lucy.

Everyone is the same mixed bag of excitement versus nervous. Lucy is worried about getting his attention without flashing her boobs. Really.

“The date card said ‘Say Cheese’. So, I would assume it’s a photo shoot, but maybe it’s eating cheese. I don’t know. I’m good at either one,” Kelly blankly slurs into camera. That line is hilarious, so you get a pass for dead eyes and “dog lover” as your occupation for now, Kell.

They are, of course, doing a photo shoot, as per Bachelor tradition that the first group date be camera involved (Sean’s romance novel covers, Desiree’s “music” video, etc). A ghoul with an electric blue goatee emerges as the photo shoot’s creative director. I’m pretty sure he’s actually from the Capital. So Caesar Flickerman informs the girls that this will be for charity and they will have special partners. It’s dogs. The special partners are dogs. Everyone is rightly out of their minds with joy upon entering a room full of dogs just waiting to be loved and played with.

Then a nameless leader tells us about how Models for Mutts helps raise awareness of pet adoptions via sexy photo shoots with dogs? This is surely another citizen of the Capital. The other guy she’s with can stay though. He’s actually from a charity called Best Friends Animal Society that is working to get pets adopted while working to make every shelter a no-kill shelter. So he’s fine. Effie Trinket can leave.

This is all too America’s Next Top Model for me. All of the sudden, Caesar Flickerman starts maniacally laughing and saying “Oooh! Oooh!” as he hands Elise and Andi their wardrobe. Which is just a piece of foam core. Yes. It’s a piece of thick card board.

“A photo shoot is not my comfort zone. Being nude is not my comfort zone…I mean I send people to jail every day for a living!” Andi laments to camera. And she’s RIGHT. SHE’S A MOTHER F***ING FEDERAL PROSECUTOR WHO SENDS GANG MEMBERS TO JAIL EVERY DAY. IN ATLANTA. ATLANTA! SHE DOES NOT, FOR ANY TV SHOW, MAN, OR CHARITY, HAVE TO WEAR A PIECE OF CARDBOARD IF SHE DOESN’T WANT TO.

Elise doesn’t have to either, but she quickly trades with Lucy who is more than comfortable wearing no clothes in front of many people. Oh, but I should mention that when Elise tries to talk to Caesar Flickerman about how she’s a first grade teacher and wants to be a good role model he replies, “It’s not about what you are wearing that makes a good role model. It’s about what you are doing for charity. Ok, sweetheart? Thank you so much!” and WALKS THE F*** AWAY. LIKE A CHAUVINISTIC ASS HOLE. If Lucy is comfortable being nude, that’s great. More power to her. But if Elise, in any way, feels that uncomfortable or that this is not a good thing, then fine. She should not have to do it.

The photo shoot starts. There are lifeguards and bikinis and Elise traded nudity for a fire hydrant which she still complains about. Kelly on the other hand is bald and painted like a mangy dog, so she does not have time for Elise. “Are you kidding me? Wear the f***ing fire hydrant and shut the f*** up. Seriously.” Kelly. Stop it. You’re being awesome.

Andi is still freaking out in the background though. Finally, Juan Pablo comes over to help smooth things out. He reassures her that he’s nervous too, but he’s going to be nude right alongside her. When he’s talking to her, it seems like a lot less pressuring and forcing her to do it, and she ends up deciding to do it because it’s for a good cause. “You wanted an ‘aventura’ and you’re definitely getting an ‘aventura’ with this!” she teases him. Andi’s the best, y’all.

Oh and at no point in the entire episode is any screen with additional information on either charity. Seems like a worthy cause to potentially compromise your morals for.

What group date would be complete without a beautiful cocktail party at a roof top pool?

Cassandra pulls Juan Pablo away first and is very nervous to tell him that she has a son. She is a 21 year-old former NBA dancer who has a two year-old son. Huh. Ok. That’s a lot to process. Juan is very taken with her though and called her “elegant and cute” at the photo shoot.

Obviously the talk about her having a kid goes well, and Juan Pablo is even more enamored of her than before. In other mom news, Renee is gunning for a kiss in her quiet time with Juan. It doesn’t happen, but Renee is great. I’m hopeful for her.

Meanwhile, back at the poolside as everyone has had a glass of wine to calm their nerves, Victoria has had several. She’s being a little wackadoo, so Nikki decides to pull her aside and level with her, girl to girl.

“You need to tone it down. I think everyone thinks you’re a little hammered and crazy right now,” whispers Nikki.

“Why? I just got here! I’m not hammered,” slurrrrrs out Victoria.

Smash cut to Victoria rolling around in her interview chair spewing out such beautiful words of wisdom as “If Juan Pablo were mine, I would just straddle him all the time. Because that’s what life’s about: straddling people. And things.” And other hits like “Kelly told me she wants to put a bark collar on me because I’m too loud!” Victoria cray, y’all.

Nikki is up next for one-on-one time. Juan Pablo really likes Nikki and especially likes that she is a hot pediatric nurse. While they are talking though, we are never far from Hurricane Victoria.

“Today I gave Juan Pablo the hymen [SIC] maneuver. I saved his life. I should totally get a rose for that,” Victoria says while pushing her boobs together for the camera. At this point Lucy the Nudist has pointed out that you are acting crazy, and that means it’s time to lock it up.

Things then very quickly go downhill. Victoria runs to find Juan Pablo and sees him talking to Nikki. She then turns and runs away. “Uh-oh, she’s had a little bit a LOT to drink?” Juan Pablo posits. She then runs past all the girls, manages to grab a swim cover up, and flees to the bathroom handicap stall where she locks the door and starts sobbing.

Renee, mother of an 8 year-old boy, saint, and all-around great woman goes to try and comfort her. Renee is so patient and so kind with an unreasonable drunk person who is so drunk at this point, she’s less rational than Renee’s 8 year-old. So determined is Renee to help this girl that she crawls under the bathroom stall door. Victoria basically just wants to go home and keeps saying, “I’m done!”

Then she burst out of the ladies room! She runs straight to the elevator bank but is met head on by none other than Elan Gale. He stops her because she’s not clothed, or shoed, or in any state of mind whatsoever to be on the streets of LA. She just keeps saying, “I’m done! I’m going home!” and Elan Gale keeps saying, “I understand you’re done. You can go home. But I have to get you a plane ticket. I have to get you a taxi cab. I can’t just let you go. It’s for your own safety!”

Victoria is having NONEYA BULLSH*** ELAN GALE! SHE STORMS OFF BACK TO HER HANDICAP STALL OF SOLITUDE TO RIDE OUT THE STORM!

Lucy very sweetly comes to tell JP about the situation with Victoria. I’m starting to like Lucy against every single other instinct I have. When JuanPa tries to go talk to Victoria she just completely shuts him down and is having a temper tantrum. He, very wisely, just walks away.

The date rose ends up going to Kelly for being the best sport of the day having the butt ugliest costume for the photo shoot. Juan Pablo makes the girls promise that Victoria gets home safe so that he can talk to her tomorrow.

Next day: it’s a hotel room. Victoria has stayed there overnight. Juan Pablo arrives to talk things over. She still wears the cover up and swimsuit from the ill-fated night before. Basically she apologizes and tries to be cutesie saying “Welcome to Brazil!” And he’s like “haha no, crazy lady” He actually says, “I’m 32. With a daughter,” and peaces out on her. Good for you Juan Pablo. Ain’t no daddy got time for that.

Alright here’s the quick rose ceremony wrap up because this feels like the longest episode in history:

·         Amy L makes a fool of herself doing a fake news interview with Juan Pablo

·         Sharleen warms up a bit to JP and apologizes for being a weirdo and saying “sir” a lot when she got the first impression rose

·         Cassandra is freaking out because she misses her son and is 21 so can’t process emotions

·         Renee comforts her because Renee is the best

·         Then Juan Pablo comforts her because Juan Pablo really likes Cassandra so she’ll stay for now, but we’ll see how long she can hold up under the pressure of being away from her baby (which is totally fair)

·         Who’s in: Kat, Kelly, Clare (from their dates) Cassandra, Nikki, Andi, Elise, Sharleen, Renee, Danielle, Lucy, Alison, Chelsie, Lauren, and finally Christy whose foundation continues to be two shades darker then her body.

·         Who’s out: Victoria, obviously, Chantel whose fate was sealed when they kept cutting to her for her two cents during the episode, and Amy L our intrepid reporter.

·         What’s next: SO MUCH! So much more drama and romance. See you next week.

·         Twitter: @Chasspod

·         Kisses and hugs

The Bachelor - Episode 1 Recap

Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, WELL, WELL, WELL! As faithfully as the seasons change THE BACHELOR is back on TV screens across America, and for the fourth season, I am back to faithfully recap all the shenanigans and minimal romance for you. To those of you returning to me, welcome back! To first time readers, thanks for joining the noble ranks!

I can tell you in post that this premier episode had the highest ratings for The Bachelor in three years. That is thanks, in no small part, to the extensive publicity campaign ABC launched to promote Juan Pablo, going so far as to coin the buzzword “Juan-uary”. It is of course also due to the fact that Juan Pablo Galavis is sexy as all get out and a completely charming Latino-Americano.  But enough of the mechanics, let’s get started with Juan Pablo on his journey to love!

We kick right off with shots of Juan Pablo posing for photographs and jogging with his shirt off as he voices over how great his life is with his daughter, family, and job in Miami but the one thing he’s missing…is LOVE! JP has a beautiful four year old daughter named Camila whom he loves very much, but wants to find a mom for her and start makin’ babies.  “It’s all about destiny…you have to be in the same place at the same time and be of the same mind,” he says about finding love. Cheers to him improving his English.

And now for some sage advice on being El Bachelor, Juan Pablo invites none other than Sean Lowe over to his bachelor pad. After world’s cutest playtime with Camila, the dudes settle in to have some real talk about “the process”. Most notably, Juan Pablo is not too keen on calling it a “journey”, so he and Sean decide together to call it an “adventure”. Adventure is the new journey, y’all!

“What’s your kissing strategy?” Sean asks. Juan Pablo just makes an awkward little face and shrugs. Sean’s advice is to “feel it in the moment” which, sure, but more importantly he warns to not kiss someone in front of the other girls because he got in big trouble for that. Somehow I have a feeling this advice will not be followed to the letter?

We leave our two bro-dudes with a beautiful story of how Sean and Catherine have love that lasts in the real world because one time his dogs got sprayed by a skunk and at 2am, they scrubbed down the dogs in the backyard and all Sean could think was that Catherine is his forever person. OK. THAT’S. NICE. Their wedding is at the end of this month. Hooray Sean and Catherine!

Chris Harrison in his suit and tie is back out in front of that disease ridden, blue-lit mansion!!! I feel so safe here. Let’s stay awhile. Oh we have to meet some of the women first? Ok fine let’s get the crazy train off the rails.

Chelsie, a 24 year old science teacher from Columbus, Ohio, is up first. Chelsie says the main way her family would describe her is “very silly”, which is a great, great quality to highlight in yourself as an adult. Still, Chelsie is pretty cute and is trying to learn Spanish despite saying “ar-mor” instead of “amor” repeatedly.

Renee from Sarasota is paddle boarding into frame now! She’s 32 just like Juan Pablo and has an 8 year old son. She is calm, cool, and collected in her package. I like Renee. We are off to a good start.

Andi is a GANG PROSECUTOR IN ATLANTA, GEORGIA. She is INCREDIBLY beautiful and obviously, incredibly intelligent. I LIKE ANDI. NOBODY F*** WITH ANDI.

Next up we have Amy an incredibly terrifying joy monster who claims to be a message therapist. We see her heavily breathing while kneeling on the buttocks of what we can only hope is one of her clients. She could not be chewing the scenery more and ends the whole thing by falling over in orgasmic pleasure when she says the name “Juan Pablo”. She seems sane.

Nikki does actually seem sane and like a normal human. She’s a 26 year old pediatric nurse who is very pretty and well-spoken. She wants love that lasts forever, can you believe it? Still though, she’s sweet and pretty and a smart nurse.

Lauren H from Oklahoma is “25”, but really I think “35” might be a better guess. She is “incredibly blessed” in her life but her love life is no bueno. Lauren spins us the yarn of how a little over ONE YEAR ago, she MET a man and they got ENGAGED and SIX WEEKS LATER he CALLED HER AT WORK to break off the engagement. I can’t even fathom that timeline y’all. You cannot, cannot, cannot meet someone and get engaged to them and then be dumped by that person with enough time to heal to then go on the Bachelor to find love. Lauren H., you crazy.

Valerie is a 26 year old personal trainer from a farm town who says she’s incredibly competitive in addition to being very, very pretty. Her words, not mine. She also calls all the other girls as ugly as goats, but not to worry because ugly people need love too. She seems chill.

Now, at 25 Lacey is the proprietor of an elderly care facility especially those with special needs because that’s the example her family set for her by adopting eight other special needs kids. Are you kidding, Lacey? Are you kidding with the amount of goodness in your heart that you’re putting into the world? This show finds some crazies, but also some real Miss America contenders.

And finally we have Claire who is part Mexican, but is plagued by the death of her father still. “There was something wrong in his brain, and we found out he had brain cancer,” Claire nods to camera. Which…let’s just start by saying that is very sad and I am sorry for her loss but…this is a hilarious way to describe what brain cancer is. ANYHOW, he passed away, but not before making a DVD to Claire’s future husband that remains unwatched until she finds that right man. Ten bucks says that DVD comes out by week three.

Alright! Enough with the video packages! Let’s get those women out on a water soaked stone driveway in front of a mansion embarrassing themselves meeting Juan Pablo! Because of such popular demand, there will be 27 women starting off this season rather than the traditional 25. Cool, I guess?

Amy L., a local news reporter from Florida is out first.  She looks nice in a sparkly red dress. Next is Cassandra who is TWENTY ONE and a former NBA dancer. They share an awkward silence because HER BRAIN IS STILL FORMING BECAUSE SHE’S A CHILD. Christy from Chicago is wearing the white satin prom dress that all the girls in my high school wore to prom in 2006. JP says he is liking this first leemo. Now it’s Christine in a slamming green dress who brings a cute little bracelet for Camila. Ok, here comes Nikki that cute pediatric nurse who is wearing a tight, low cut, low back dress and she is working it. She does a cute bit with a stethoscope for Juan Pablo to hear how fast her heart is beating with excitement. I would say it goes well because when she walks away Juan Pablo bites his hand as if to say “AYAYAY! MUY CALIENTE!”

The next limo pulls up and Juan Pablo whimpers out “they’re screaming…”  Out comes Kat who does a little salsa step with him, and Juan remarks to an off screen producer that she smells really good. And Chantel one of our first women of color is up, who impresses our bachelor with a great pronunciation of his name after belittling him with how to pronounce Chantel. Victoria is Brazilian which is just unfair to the rest of us, but she’s wearing a sparkly yellow tarp for a dress so that levels out the playing field a little.

Oh Christ. We pan up from a pair of bare feet getting out of the limo as we meet Lucy. A 24 year old “Free Spirit” that Juan Pablo remarks is “so cute.” No. Not so cute, Juan Pablo. So horrible. So loathsome. She is wearing one of those stupid flower crowns. I hope she free spirits some water from a hose and gets hepatitis A or whichever one just gives you screaming diarrhea for a month.

I’m quickly assuaged by Danielle’s entrance. She is another woman of color wearing an incredible dress that makes her look like Athena Goddess of War. I will be calling her Athena. She’s a psychiatric nurse. Danielle can stay.

And then a thing happens that I’m not even sure I have the skills to describe to you. A girl struggles up the driveway on what I can only describe as a piano bicycle that she has clearly never ridden/played before. Juan Pablo runs to her aid! Then he runs back to wait for her when she assures him she’s “got it”! Then she pulls up on her piano bike and plays a song that’s a song with notes. She messes up because it’s a PIANO ON A BIKE. She’s a composer who says that she just wanted him to know that music is her passion “musica es mi vida”. KILL ME with all the terrible Spanish happening right out of the gate. She walks away and Juan runs after her into the mansion to learn that her name is Lauren.

Chelsie the cute science teacher gets out next and does a little bit about instead of “doing chemistry” they should make some chemistry of their own. She throws some test tubes in the bushes which is littering and not very environmentally friendly, miss science teacher.

Valerie that snippy personal trainer comes out wearing cowboy boots with her gown to show how down to earth she is. Why do women always do this? Wearing cowboy boots with a gown is ZERO indication of your chill level and very good indicator that everyone should hate you. Elise comes out and she’s a pretty blond but most important is that her hometown is Forty Fort, Pennsylvania. Ashley comes out with a gold star sticker for Juan Pablo because she’s a first grade teacher.

Then we hear some grunting and sighing as Claire struggles out of the limo wearing a lovely pink dress and A FAKE BABY BELLY. OH CLAIRE, YOU SEEMED SO ALMOST NORMAL AND NOW YOU’RE COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR MIND. “HAHAHA I’M PREGNANT JK,” IS, IN MY EXPERIENCE, NOT A GREAT PICKUP LINE. Juan Pablo is trying to be so diplomatic but his internal panic is written on his handsome face. When she asks if he wants to feel she then reveals, “It’s so not real! It’s a little lumpy for a baby, right?!”………………………………………………………………….no.

Back on track we meet Ally, a nanny from Chicago who kicks the soccer ball around. Amy J. the crazy masseur comes out in a gold lamé dress that completely squashes her boobs. But JP seems into it because he whispers “Nos vemos a dentro” as she leaves which means “We’ll see each other inside”.

Renee the single mom comes out next! She’s a star and makes a great first impression. Lauren H. the heartbroken crazy comes out next, and she is a “mineral coordinator” which I know is a real job but sounds super, super fake. How does on coordinate minerals?

Maggie has the thickest little southern accent ever and brings him a fishing hook to show that he’s a good catch. We have Kelly who is preceded by her dog Molly getting out of the limo. Kelly has listed her occupation as “dog lover” which his NOT. A. THING. Lacey the old folks home owner brings him a fake prescription from cupid’s pharmacy. Which Albert and Ethel at the home told her that was a good idea?

Alexis gets out of the limo speaking Spanish at a third grade level. Kylie is a redheaded interior designer in a heinous bubble gum pink pageant dress. Sharleen is stoic but beautiful and she’s an opera singer from Canada who lives in Germany. She makes quite the impression on Juan Pablo. “Sin-gers, I like sin-gers,” he says.

Last but CERTAINLY not least is my top horse in the running ANDI THE FEDERAL PROSECUTOR. She doesn’t do anything crazy but they have good chemistry on first meeting. Go, Andi.

After the quick explanation of the First Impression Rose, Juan Pablo is off to the races inside the house! He is a little overwhelmed by all the beautiful women. “It feels like you are a meat that they gonna eat you,” he says. But don’t worry, he knows what to do. He brings out a little music to have a dance party! And there’s a photo booth! How wacky! He’s just SO wacky and low-key! It’s like a wedding!

Juan Pablo is a people person and he starts right away taking women away to meet them and have one on one time. He is the epitome of charm and diplomacy with these women. While talking to Renee though, he does have a big red lipstick mark on one cheek. Oopsies.

Lucy is a psychopath who should be stopped by any means necessary. She climbs all over him right away and stares into his eyes as she says, “Do you get nervous when I get close to you? Don’t be nervous. Be sure.” Which is a thing that normal people and not psychopathic mass murderers say to people upon first meeting them. She points out that she’s not wearing shoes just like a “real hippie”. I’m pretty sure it’s also just like a “real hippie” to be wearing a $1000 gown on a reality dating show but I’m not a “real hippie” like Lucy. Even though Juan Pablo is clearly freaked out by her he’s still the essence of diplomacy by saying, “It’s a little crazy, but it’s the first night so a lot of crazy is going on.”

Smash cut to Amy J. the masseur frolicking Juan Pablo out to a massage table that’s been so graciously set up by the producers on the driveway. Bless them. She is slowly undressing him and talking about essential oils and even though she is creepy, creepy, creeping up and down his body with her hands, he is like “Ok. Yes. Thank you. No no. This is fine. I’m not uncomfortable” even though his eyes scream for mercy.

He continues schmoozing with all the ladies as they collectively lose their shit when Chris Harrison places the First Impression Rose on the table. Everybody wants their time with him, most of all Lauren H. She is already crying because she feels like she can’t get time with Juan Pablo, and she needs love more than anyone else in that room. Lauren H. just needs to take a deep breath and a sip of some brown liquor. She is breathlessly weeping to camera. The first grade teacher ends up pulling her away to calm her down like she would with one of her six year olds.

When Lauren H. finally gets her time with Juan you can tell she’s been crying. She leads the conversation with her broken engagement story, and he’s being so kind to her. That being said, he and I both know that Juan Pablo is not Lauren’s therapist and maybe Lauren should get a therapist.

Sharleen is being stiff and keeps calling Juan Pablo “sir” even though JP is super into her. He says, “We would say in Spanish she has “mundo”, she has “world”. She’s very elegant.” He walks away for a second, and she says, “He’s a good package, but you know, I guess I thought I would feel more of this insta-chemistry than I did.” And then he comes back with the first impression rose! OH GOD. Has anyone ever rejected the first impression rose? Will she? He calls her elegant again “I like the way you are.” And after a long, long pause she finally says, “Sure! Yes. Thank you, sir.” Because Sharleen is elegant and confused about her feelings. I think she should give him a chance because JUAN PABLO.

Other girls are sad and jealous, but the first impression rose is out, and it can’t be taken back. The only thing left is the first official rose ceremony.

He calls out: Claire, Nikki, Renee, Andi, Alli, Chantel, Lauren S, Kelly (and Molly her dog), Cassandra, Danielle, Chelsie. Then he calls out Kat’s name and Kylie smiles and comes sauntering forward as he hurriedly whispers “Kat! Kat!” and we can see a very special part of Kylie’s soul shrivel up and die before our very eyes. “Can you take both of us?” she jokes. But it’s too late. If it had been Kylie too, he would have just rolled with it. But now she’s going to throw up and die.

Back to the roses though: Victoria, Christy, Lucy (who TWIRLS away from him. DIE, LUCY.), Elise, and the final rose goes to Amy L.

That leaves Kylie, Amy J, Ashley, Alexis, Christine, Lacey, Maggie, Valerie, and Lauren H. all eliminated.

“People don’t always feel you the way you feel them,” Amy J cries to camera which I laugh about for approximately three hours because she’s a MASSEUR AND LITERALLY FELT TOO MUCH OF JUAN PABLO. And the other women are sad too.

But no matter! Next week the real fun begins with dates and drama and dresses! I’ll see you next Wednesday for the recap, and until then follow me over on twitter @Chasspod. (All photos care of abc.com; gif care of Yahoo Entertainment)

The Bachelor - Women Tell All Recap

Can you believe we're almost to the bitter end of this season of the Bachelor? I know I can't. But here we sit, ready to hear the women Sean has dumped along his journey dish all their juiciest gossip and share just how hurt they were by that big blond oaf with a baby's brain. 

Hit me with it, Chrarrison!

Chris Harrison walks out to thunderous applause. I’m not kidding it’s like a One Direction concert in there. They scream louder and louder as he suggests things like “Sean!” and “Sean with his shirt off!” They boo terrifically on cue when he says “Tierra!”

Before we get to the dirt, Chrarrison and Sean take us on their adventures of crashing various Bachelor viewing parties in the LA area. We have two hours to kill here people, so buckle up. The first house is full of screaming teenagers who flock to him like he is the Messiah. The rest of the parties are all full of women who scream for him and coo over him.

The big finale of this dog and pony show is Sean bursting into the Delta Gamma sorority house. The girls obviously go insane and as the cameras walk in, this one girl instinctively does that Delta Gamma thing where you crook your arm all weird to make a Gamma, and she literally won’t stop. She just keeps doing that thing and smiling maniacally at the camera. Go hug, Sean sweetie. Put your stupid arm down.

They chant for him to take his shirt off. He obliges. I’m sad about a lot of things.

It is time! The women have all been tromped out in their finery to sit on incredibly uncomfortable stools to give us what we want! I love seeing them after a few months of minimal celebrity because everybody changes their hair a little and they get their makeup done professionally so everyone looks tip top. AshLee got some new extensions and her hair is Connie Britton-glorious.

Notably missing from tonight’s proceedings is Ashley the girl with heinous extensions who sang a song about her momma’s sweet tea for Sean then got kicked off. She is presumably performing her heart out on a cruise ship far, far away.

Without mention of She Who Must Not Be Named, the conversation immediately jumps to discussing She Who Must Not Be Named. “Tierra’s sparkle didn’t sparkle that big,” Lesley says of our favorite little psychopath. Selma agrees that she was just rude and impolite and straight up weird. AshLee is still amazed that they had such a blow out in St. Croix. And Brook the Community Organizer about whom I completely forgot, thinks that the girls are just jealous because they weren’t as smart as You Know Who at coming up with ways to hang out with Sean. Yikes. Nope. That’s definitely not it.

Before we break to commercial, Chrarrison taunts that Tierra is backstage ready to defend herself. They show her wearing a hideous dress and spraying herself with enough perfume to poison a small dog. The proverbial poop is about to hit the fan.

The tension in the room is palpable as Lord Voldemort Tierra comes onto the stage and screen. Her makeup is actually nice and simple, probably to prevent another Polar Bear Plunge mascara disaster. Right off the bat she says how she “lights up in a room” and when she walks into a room she brings such joy with her and is talking very quietly like an un-sub from Criminal Minds who’s been stealing the neighborhood dogs and killing and stuffing them in her basement so she can have a menagerie of friends (I just made that up but it sounds like a great episode).

Chris Harrison does a very good job at interviewing her calmly and without accusation. He poses questions to her like, “But other girls got roses throughout the process and weren’t hated, so why did you feel like the target on your back was so big?” Good questions that she can’t answer without lying her little face off. She truly plays the victim so, so well.

“Even if you’re not trying to make best friends, why not just be friend-ly? Why make it harder on yourself?” Chris asks as the other girls vigorously nod their heads.

Finally, Chrarrison asks the money question: is there anything she regrets or would like to apologize for. You guys won’t believe it. You’ll never guess what she says. She says no. She says there’s nothing to apologize for! The women and the studio audience are positively agog.

So, now the women get to pester Tierra with questions about why she was the way she was. Basically it becomes a pissing contest of who can most accurately pinpoint why she was such a terrible person to be around. Brooke the Community Organizer actually comes up with a really good rebuttal. She wishes that Tierra would stand in her convictions and just stand up that she didn’t want to make friends and was unfriendly, rather than act like an innocent victims of other girls’ pettiness. Holla, Brooke!

Before AshLee can rip her claws into Tierra, Chris breaks us to commercial so he can properly wrangle the conversation about the infamous St. Croix Blow Up. AshLee is miffed. Tierra is blinking like a baby deer. AshLee takes GREAT offense to being called a liar. Tierra thinks she is always wrong and no matter what she does, she’ll be wrong. Well, if the only thing you do is lie and be terrible then yes, you’ll be wrong. But if you take responsibility for your actions and humbly apologize and grow from the experience, then maybe you won’t be so wrong. Selma agrees with me.

Eventually Tierra still doesn’t completely take the blame and admit she did something wrong, but she does apologize.

HOLY CRAP. TIERRA WAS LITTLE MISS NEVADA. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH. She’s trying to make her case for the “Tierra you have a sparkle” line, but man does that ever backfire! Um. Hold on. Then Chrarrison points out what I’ve been blind to. Tierra is wearing an enormous diamond ring on her left hand. Sister girl is engaged. TIERRA is ENGAGED. Tierra’s engaged. Tierra has found love. When Chris asks when she got engaged, Tierra responds with “no comment”. Which is dumb. Chris asks again and she says “January”. So that was weird. Everything about her is weird. Oh well. She will plague me never more from this point forward.

Sarah’s time in the hot seat is up. There’s a chance that she could be the next Bachelorette based on her sad story, beautiful personality and face, and the fact that she’s so scared of never finding love. I really, really love this girl. She talks again about how she feels that her whole life has been a series of men telling her that she’s amazing but not right for them. “I think I’m funny, and smart, and I think I’m great!” she says, “And so do we!” someone from the audience shouts. Thunderous applause. Yes, Sarah. So do we.

Chris asks Dez if he can “holla at her for a second” in the hotseat (JK Chris isn’t Dez’s brother). They’re really building Dez up to be the next Bachelorette as she talks about how she just wants to make someone happy and wants the soul-mate level connection her parents have. There are a lot of sympathetic faces nodding along in the audience. She is very open to finding love (like all humans) and is looking forward to bringing the things she learned about herself into her next relationship. Now if I was a betting woman, I would place lots and lots of money on Dez’s horse to be the next Bachelorette.

“And yes! We have bloopers!” Chris exclaims from his mountaintop of glory because nothing and I mean NOTHING in this world could please me more than BLOOPERS FROM THE BACHELOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AshLee gets to come up and give her side of the story in the breakup we all saw go down last week. They get to talking right away about the heated and emotional good-bye, and they pan over the singular guy in the audience! He’s in a sharp oatmeal sweater with big black-frame glasses. I’m very interested in what he’s thinking about while he’s sitting there listening to AshLee talk about her abandonment issues one more time. Is it steak? Is it her tight dress? Is it the unstoppable season the Chicago Blackhawks have been having? Or is it that Ash just really needs to lighten up and find a man who is not on TV to make her happy?

As she watched the show, AshLee says she realized Sean wasn’t quite the man she thought he was, the man she thought was her soul-mate. She says, “I mean, hate me for this, but he kind of acted like a frat boy.” If by frat-boy you mean stringing along several women at once and convincing them all he had feelings for them then dumping them without explanation one-by-one? Then yes, AshLee, a frat boy indeed. And I don’t hate you for it.

I scream a scream of anger and betrayal to the heavens as Sean comes out on stage, for once again the people in make-up have not heeded my cries to darken in Sean’s eyebrows when they put foundation on him for TV appearances! Why!?! Oh WHITHER, YE MAKEUP FIENDS?!

Like any meeting between ex’s, the awkwardness levels in the room are high. Sean says he’s eager to see the women. They, perhaps not so much. AshLee gets to come back on stage to have her talk with Sean! How horrible! He tells her that her new hair color looks beautiful which makes me puke in my mouth! Not the time for platitudes, Sean!

AshLee is not letting him off easy. She is being very pushy and insistent about how Sean never came to check on her. “But Sean you’re a gentleman. You’re supposed to be the man here,” she insists. Sean looks cornered and terrified because we all know he’s never going to be “right” to her.

Then a weird thing happens where Ashlee accuses him of saying that he had absolutely no feelings for the other women. His diplomatic façade kind of falls as he over and over again denies that he said that. “I didn’t say that, and I wouldn’t say that,” he tells her.

That hurt to watch. It was so awkward and painful it hurt me. Oh good and there’s more! AshLee, shocker, can’t let it go. The woman who can’t stop talking for one second about her abandonment issues won’t let something go! Wowzers! She keeps insisting that Sean said he had no feelings for the other women, and he continues to insist he said no such thing.

Moving on, thank goodness, he gets to talk to Dez. It’s very warm and cordial. They actually both seem pretty happy with how things turned out, so hey, it was all for the best. \

OH MY GOOOOSHHADLJFLAKDSJFWJERIOJUWASLFJASL IT’S TIME FOR BLOOPERS! I’VE LITERALLY NEVER BEEN SO EXCITED FOR SOMETHING IN MY LIFE! IT’S A BLOOPER REEL OF THE BACHELOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hijinks ensue.

With a final peek at the season finale coming next week, our penultimate wrap-up must end. Next week we will not only find out who gets to be Sean’s real-life girlfriend for a whole six months, but also who will be our next Bachelorette! I’m so excited, I can hardly breathe. Tell me all about the viewing parties you guys are having! I’ll be posting my official Bachelor Drinking/Eating Game rules for you on Monday so check in!

The Bachelor - Episode 9 Recap

Buckle up everyone! It's going to be a bumpy ride! The final few weeks are often the most wrought with emotion, but also the time when it gets harder and harder to fill a two-hour time slot. So let’s see what happens when the gang goes to Thailand and some “suite” cards are laid on the table.

We arrive in the terribly specific “South of” Thailand where Sean describes it as “something out of a movie”. I assume because he has seen movies with his eyes and probably never read books with his brain to compare the scenery to.

Sean thinks about the week to come as he sits on a boat, then walks across the beach, then does a quick change into a tank top to think about the week as he walks through the hotel, then a rock garden, then while lying in a hammock. Sean thinks about Catherine while sitting in front of a fountain. Sean thinks about AshLee while looking off into the middle distance. Sean thinks about Lindsay while walking across the beach! So much thinking and recapping he has to do! He even has to think about it while going for a dip in the pool!

The name of the place they’re staying is Si Kao, and it’s pronounced Sea Cow and that is HILARIOUS stuff right there. Lindsay comes barreling out of the hotel in five inch platform heels and seafoam skirt. Lindsay is excited to tell Sean at their date tonight that she is “in fact” in love with him. Because falling in love with him is NOT ENOUGH for this show.

They get to walk around a cool, local market. They try all sorts of fruits and treats and see cute clothes. Sean remembers Lindsay saying that she’s up for trying anything, but she won’t eat a bug. So he beelines for the bug stand as soon as he sees it. They try a grub and a grasshopper. She doesn’t like it, but Sean is so brave that she manages to do it for him. Isn’t that sweet and codependent?

“I feel like I’m with my high school sweetheart, and that’s what I’m looking for in a marriage,” Sean tells us of Lindsay. I can’t even start with all the problems. First of all, what? Secondly, like are you trying to get back what you had with your high school sweetheart or? What? Seriously, I don’t get this. What?

They sit on the beach and discuss how good their relationship is. “You’re the best friend that I’ve been looking for,” he tells her. I don’t know why, guys, but I’m calling it right here that Sean picks Lindsay. That’s right. My official prediction is that Sean picks the girl who wore a wedding dress the first night.

As the sun sets over “Yong Ling Beach” or “monkey beach” as the helpful scroll tells us, the happy couple help destroy the delicate ecosystem of Thailand by feeding grapes to the monkeys who live there. The monkeys are cute, but my God, people. This is not the way we’re going to save our planet! Don’t give wild monkeys grapes!!! I just hope you washed your dirty little paws.

We do get some spectacular shots of Sean and Lindsay kissing in the water while a monkey eats some grapes, though. Bless, monkeys and camera people, bless.

Dinner takes place in front of spangley, sparkly, blinking Thai floats and flowers made of petals around their little dais. It’s very beautiful if a little garish, but hey, what’s this show if not a little garish? They continue having fun and just talking about why they like each other. Sean also brings up her moving to Dallas, being engaged, picking out a house. These are specific and serious topics. He likes her big time!

She repeats a few times that she takes this all “very serious” and when it comes to family and love she takes it “very serious”. This woman is a teacher, everyone. This woman who doesn’t understand how to even SPEAK with proper grammar and adverb use could be teaching your children. WOE TO THE FUTURE WHERE GRAPE CRAZED MONKEYS AND INARTICULATE CHILDREN SHALL RULE.

Just as she’s getting the gumption to say the words “I love you” to a man contractually obligated not to say them back, a traditional parade of Thai dancers and musicians trounce out. Lindsay is awestruck and keeps asking how to say “thank you” which I appreciate. I like that she is soaking up the culture and trying very hard to be polite.

The moment of truth arrives! Sean hands Lindsay the fantasy suite card, and she struggles through reading it out loud. Lindsay takes no time in accepting the fantasy suite.  FINALLY, when they get in the suite, she hems and haws and squeaks out that she loves Sean. The music swells. I am underwhelmed.

AshLee is up next. She is positively bursting with joy to be here with the love of her life and can’t stop proclaiming how wonderful he makes her feel. They set sail on a big old boat to get somewhere special. I love boats and taking boat rides so much, y’all. AshLee would be content to be on that boat all day and so would I, girl, so would I. But JUST KIDDING! No more relaxing fun for you. Sean is putting you through yet another Fear Factor of Love and making you relinquish control by having him blindly navigate you through a sea cave to get to a private beach.

Have you guys ever seen the movie “The Beach” with Leonardo Dicaprio and Tilda Swinton? There’s a legend about this pristine beach off the coast of Thailand, and Leo really wants to find it. So they finally find it after many trials and live there in this nutso hippie commune and Tilda Swinton is, shocker, totally bazoo, and everything comes crashing down after there is a shark attack and no one can get the injured parties to help fast enough? Yeah so basically that’s all I was thinking about while they got through the cave and finally to the beach.  It is a terrible movie, and this is an equally terrible thing to do to a girl.

In true Bachelor fashion, both Sean and AshLee manage to make being lost in a pitch black sea cave a metaphor for being in a relationship. “I want to prove to her that I can get her to safety without a problem,” Sean assures us. Yeah, ok, great, good thing you need to constantly prove your manhood.

Over dinner, four blinking boats at harbor watch over their wee beach cabana. They talk about why they like each other and how much AshLee loves him.  When the card is presented, AshLee is hesitant. Sean lays out his intentions to use the time to just be alone and talk with no distractions. She is concerned about how things will be perceived, but she ends up accepting.

In the suite they talk about their relationship and how far they’ve come. AshLee tells him exactly what she wants in an engagement ring which makes me cringe. Don’t jinx yourself, lady. Don’t get too far ahead of him!

Catherine has the final date of the week. She adorably comes running up behind him and adorably surprises him with a kiss hello. They get to go for one long big boat ride! They get to go on one of those fancy Asian boats with the big red sails. Am I painting you a picture with my words?

The first thing we see is Catherine screaming “I’m the queen of the world!” from the bow of the ship. Come on Catherine. You and I both know you’re better than that. But they lay down for some heart to heart and talk about how Catherine is totally herself, weirdness and all, in front of Sean. He kisses her head about four times while she’s talking. He likes her too! She’s so cute I can’t handle it. Damn you, Catherine! Let’s be friends!

They have an actual conversation about their future and where they’re both at in terms of wanting to settle down. I like the two of them together you guys. I don’t want to think Sean’s going to pick Lindsay because I think he should pick Catherine!

“Snorkeling. Is. Awesome,” is all Sean has to say about how awesome snorkeling is. The two of them can’t get over how much they like each other. They kiss in the rain and guess what we see? Way too much of Sean’s tongue, that’s what.

Over dinner, Sean asks her more questions about their future. Catherine gives the textbook answers about marriage and kids. She goes on to explain her hesitations about the fantasy suite, and he reassures her about his “intentions” one more time. She accepts!

Catherine gets the best fantasy suite because hers has a little mini pool for swimming and sexy times. She actually has a nice, sincere moment where she tells him that she’s been a little insecure in her life and that she feels totally comfortable around him. He says, “I’m the lucky one!” That is nice. They have a good time. Catherine says journey.

We are reminded of the fact that this is the point at which Emily sent Sean home last time. Sean feels like he’s resolved as to who he’s sending home, and feels confident all through his conversation with Chrarrison. His baby blues almost tear up even as he talks about sending this “sweet” woman home. But, at the end of the day, Sean does see himself getting down on one knee because he is in love with at least one of the women here.

Chrarrison pulls that same video message crap that they pulled last season. Lindsay, Catherine, and AshLee leave emotional and awkward video messages for Sean about just how much he means to her. It is torture to sit through. Sean tears up at all three, but especially during AshLee’s very emotional proclamation about how together they are whole. He isn’t smiling though. Oh, no. Oh, boy. Things look bad. AshLee looks good though. Her dress is boob-tacular.

Moment of truth. Chrarrison gives a somber speech. Sean gives a somber speech about how blindsided he was when Emily sent him home and how sorry he is to be doing the same to one of these women. The first rose goes out to Lindsay, so AshLee and Catherine must wait in agony to find out if their hearts will be shattered. It’s the longest pause in the history of the Bachelor, but finally, quietly he calls Catherine’s name.

The look on AshLee’s face is one that you might see on a person about to kill or seriously maim another person. She is livid. She silently walks out of the rose ceremony as Lindsay whispers, “she looks pissed”. Sean follows and tries to start giving his speech, but AshLee turns right around and says, “Just stay here,” and keeps walking towards the car.

She eventually relents and lets him explain himself. He seriously looks like he’s going to puke as he tears up and tries to explain what’s going on and does a TERRIBLE job at giving her closure. “I think the world of you,” are some pretty effing hollow words, my man. “This wasn’t some silly game to me,” AshLee spits out in the van, “This wasn’t some joyride about joking and laughter and fun.” I believe her 100%, but I think that might’ve also been part of the problem. It would not kill Ash to lighten up just a little. She turns away from the cameras as the real tears start to flow, and we get a pull-away shot of Sean with his head in his hands.

Well, wasn’t that nice and depressing? Real-live heartbreak piped straight into your living room! No matter! Next week is the Women Tell All, and after this season, it is shaping up to be the most dramatic one ever. I mean we’ve got Tierra, we’ve got Amanda, we’ve got Desiree, we’ve got poor one-armed Sarah who should be my friend! It’s gonna be bad, and it’s gonna be so, so good. See you for the juiciness next week, y’all!

The Bachelor - Sean Tells All Recap

Everyone gather round, grab a cup of tea or coffee and snuggle up for a riveting gab session with your two best friends Sean Lowe and Chris Harrison. Those two are thick as thieves! Kind of. Sean didn't really talk to Chris that much which could be why he's made some really questionable decisions. Tonight, perhaps, we'll get some answers.

The interview is timed between hometown dates and the infamous "fantasy suite" dates (jk it’s happening right now). How will Sean handle that little pickle with his squeaky clean Christian image? And why don't the makeup people ever darken his eyebrows?! Just a little shading to make him look like a person! It’s all I’m asking for here people.

First topic up for discussion is how he sent Desiree home last night. To understand this decision, we travel back to the hometown date where Chris asserts that “the brother really questioned everything that’s sacred to you.” That seems a little hyperbolic, but sure, let’s go with it.

Sean fills us in that apparently Nate, Dez’s brother, has had a bit of a trouble past and is trying to “straighten himself out” which explains the necklace tattoo and general horrible attitude and lack of tact/manners. While Nate was ranting that Sean was a playboy, Sean wanted to hit the guy for insulting the core of his character. That would have been horrible but also kinda great because they were sitting by that pool and it would’ve been a very cool choreographed fight scene. But violence is not the way to solve things, kids.

What we didn’t see though, was the FIRST conversation Sean and Nate had where everything went fine! Nate called him a “really nice dude” and gave his approval! So what did he get drunk or something and go nuts on Sean for fun? Like, what the eff happened during dinner? “Ultimately I just chalk it up to him being a jackass,” Sean concludes. Fair point, man. Fair point, if inelegant.

We watch the emotional good-bye between Sean and Desiree one more time just to make our hearts break. I really feel like she’s in perfect position to be the next Bachelorette, so there’s that hope in her future.

Next up we recap the relationship with Sarah, our beautiful and artsy friend born with one arm. It reminds me how great she is and how much I want to go see movies and hang out with her. Sean doesn’t really reveal anything we didn’t already know about how at the end, he just didn’t feel the spark with her. He shares how much he wishes the best for Sarah and that she will find the love of her life. Those are some hollow words, bro, no matter how well intentioned.

Selma the Iraqi who wasn’t allowed to kiss on TV but was super affectionate and cuddly is up next. We see all the ways they tried to get around kissing like butterfly kisses and Eskimo kisses and I hate it. Remember how she did finally kiss him and then he sent her home? Ugh. Painful.

Moving forward into the pain territory, we have to watch Lesley and Sean complete the world record for longest onscreen kiss one more time. We recap THEIR whole relationship next, and I’m getting cranky. I was promised a gossip session about Tierra, and I want that delivered. Oh, and just in case Lesley isn’t kicking herself enough for not telling Sean she loved him, he says that if she had done that, he probably would’ve gone home to meet her family. So there’s that.

TIERRA TIME! WOOOOT! After bringing us up to speed as if we haven’t been watching this whole season, Sean ultimately says he feels “like a fool” and that he was “duped.” Thank you for admitting that. “In hindsight, I wish I would’ve kept Jackie on the two-on-one!” YES. Oh keep going, give us more dish. And also, I’m just really glad that he let her go and that he can openly admit that she was not a great person. We don’t normally get this resolve.

The fight in Montana lasted for hours and moved rooms several times. Sean was also feeling like a cranky baby because being the Bachelor is not easy and it is hard to be paid to travel the world and fall in love with several beautiful women wa wa wa wa.

Now that the gossip circle is broken up there’s nothing really worthwhile to talk about. We see some more deleted scenes of fun antics and none of them are really that fun. Then Chris asks about what’s really going to go no inside the fantasy suites.

Sean says that he just sees it as an opportunity to really talk to the women with no cameras, no audience, just the two of them. Chris once again brings up that maybe in the past the fantasy suites have involved, oh I don’t know, some specific kind of act that for some reason people think only happens at night? “I say it’s really none of your business,” Sean beams to Chris.

“A gentleman to the end,” Chris concludes. I guess we could say that. Sure. I’ll give it to Sean for being a gentleman.

That wraps up our night! We'll see each other next Wednesday for the splendor and drama of Thailand and the overnight dates. Until then, please don't let anyone take your sparkle away, pumpkins.

The Bachelor - Episode 8 Recap

Love is dead and there is no point in going on. I don't know how much I can support the happiness of these people today because I watched last night's Downton Abbey. Did you?

SPOILERS AHEAD - Did you scream at the TV and shoulder shaking sob just as hard as you did when Lady Sybil died in her mother’s arms? BEAUSE LOVE IS DEAD. I CAN’T GO ON. I’M GOING TO STAY IN MY PAJAMA’S AND DRINK HEAVILY TO GET THROUGH THIS. SEAN WILL NEVER LOVE ANYONE LIKE MATTHEW LOVED MARY. JULIAN FELLOWES, HOW COULD YOU TAKE HIM FROM ME? HE HAD NO CHIN AND A PUDDING FACE BUT WAS SO SO HOT AND SO, SO PERFECT.

No more Downton related spoilers henceforth.

Let’s go on some hometown dates and meet Desiree’s horrible hillbilly brother.

AshLee and her adoptive family are up first in Houston. She has her tiny dog Bailey with her for their wee picnic date in a majestic field.  I assume her family is great with zero foreknowledge because if they were dramatic we’d have seen them in the previews.

“Here I am about to introduce this man that I have fallen into love with to my family,” AshLee gushes to camera which is a fun way to bend all the grammar rules for coherence. Ash is so super excited because she finally feels like she’s met a man who is as exceptional a man as her father. I want to hate that, but I can’t. I guess in my mourning I’ve become more lenient with them for saying cheesy things because, like, everyone deserves love.

AshLee’s house is exactly how you would picture the house of a preacher from Texas. Her father is a giant Texan with a mustache and her mom is portly and full of love. I love her parents immediately, and I speculate that they’d get along great with Sean’s family. AshLee cries when telling her parents about the polar bear plunge which is a little much, and then she makes her parents extremely uncomfortable by telling them they rolled around in the sand in St. Croix.

When Sean and her mother Deborah have their chat, guess what they talk about? You’ll never guess. It’s a real shock. Are you ready? Did you guess? Did you guess it was her adoption and abandonment issues? IT WAS! YOU WIN!

Her dad is protective but still very sweet. He gives Sean his blessing to ask AshLee to marry him should he so desire. And then her dad cries telling Sean how he fell in love with AshLee the moment he met her, and I cry a little because it’s a father’s love, you guys! It’s a really great hometown date; I’ll give it an A.

Cute Catherine and her hometown of Seattle are up next! Of course she is from Seattle. It makes perfect sense. They’re of course going to that famous Seattle farmer’s market and have adorable times. They do the famous fish throwing thing, and Sean gets involved and my heart gets a little involved with some of the burly fish mongers who are tossing fish about. I can’t imagine him smelling very good after that. Then they make the vegan catch dead and decapitated fish. I like that she’s game for it and is adorable while doing it. They are one beautiful couple, and can you just indulge me for a second and imagine how beautiful their multicultural kids would be? So beautiful.

Over lunch, Catherine gives Sean a crash course on Filipino culture, and MAN is she cute. He meets up with her mom, her grandma, and her two sisters. Their house is artsy and cozy and filled with culture and love. They have such a cute time. I have no other words. Everything is cute. Even grandma telling him he’s handsome in broken English.

Her sisters however are blank faced while they have a serious talk about their relationship. They are really combative, and she’s kind of frazzled by it. I totally understand why they would be protective and try to challenge her, so I hope she feels confident going forward.

When Sean and the sisters talk, I worry that they’re trying to dissuade him. The older sister really takes the lead on saying so many words, like a lot of words, to say almost nothing. They shit talk her, basically, and call her messy and moody and hyper-focused which SUCKS of them to do.

Her mom is the best one. She is warm but honest and very sincere in her responses to Sean as to her feelings about their relationship. When he asks for her blessing to ask her to marry him, she doesn’t give a straight answer. This worries him. In the end he feels like he ended up with more questions than he got answers. It was an A+ first half of the day, and a C meeting with the family. But I’m rooting for those two crazy kids!

Lindsay brings Sean down to Missouri to meet her military family in her military base hometown. It’s safe to say this isn’t where she grew up, but it’s where her family is now. So they have as nice a time you can have in a sleepy little town in Missourah. Lindsay is whatever and just kinda ditzy. Sean is red as a beat as he’s talking about meeting her dad who is a two-star general. He is a nervous little strawberry.

Oh good now it’s time for planned fun. Lindsay makes Sean put on a really cool mock turtle neck army t-shirt and olive-drab pants and makes him get “military” ready to meet her dad. He can’t stop giggling. I’m glad to have proof that no one looks good in a mock turtle neck. YA HEAR THAT, LL BEAN? NO ONE.

I understand why Sean is so nervous a little better when Lindsay explains that people who graduate from West Point come to Fort Wood to do their officer training and her dad is in charge of all of it. Her dad is in charge of the training of the people who survived West Point. So. Yeah. Sean’s nervousness is completely warranted.

Her mother is just all bubbles and her younger brother is shy and nice. Her dad is intimidating. She is just like her mother. Somehow I love the effervescence on her mother where I find it cloying on Lindsay. Her family makes me like her more. Dammit. During the chat with her mom, Sean says the same things he’s been saying the whole time. Lisa gives Sean her seal of approval.

The conversation he has with Lindsay’s dad is less warm. By no means is he scary or mean or horrible, but he’s concerned that his daughter will get hurt. When Sean asks for the marriage blessing, Papa General hems and haws over it. He’s very kind about it though, he’s not declining to answer because he’s a dick, he’s just explaining his thoughts the best he knows how. He ends up giving his blessing, and I totally love him. Her family is great, and they give him a set of identification tags from the Army and oops I’m crying. It’s just such a nice gesture. I’m so emotionally vulnerable right now. A- minus overall hometown date.

Let the drama begin! We’re heading back to LA to meet Desiree’s family. I know she lives in Charleston, and for some reason I never would’ve thought her family lived in Los Angeles, particularly because of what I’ve seen of her hillbilly brother. They go hiking like I see people do in movies and TV shows all the time. She is great for admitting that she just wants to go on hikes and make out. Yeah, Dez. That is pretty great, girl. I feel you.

They walk into her house which is nice and not, in fact, a tent. The two of them make dinner together, and I’m confused about the family situation and what her family does now so as to afford a nice, stable home. When there’s a knock on the door, some dork in plaid shows up. Dez does not seem pleased. He wants to talk to Dez and tries to get the cameras to turn off. He says, non-convincingly, “Dez. I love you. I’ve been texting, calling you. Where’ve you been?”

“I’ve been busy,” she says and gestures to Sean.

Sean’s response is, “Wooooaaaah.” His wheels are turning pretty hard. Mine are too. I sense a prank.

The fight escalates, and Sean sticks up for her and tells this guy to hit the road. Then the truth is revealed. I bet it’s a prank. It is a prank. The goober guy is an actor, and Dez used it as payback for the terrible prank he pulled on her. But Dez wins on this one because she got to see Sean be protective and great. Still maybe not the best timing given his anxiety about meeting the fam?

Too bad the real drama is coming! We meet her mom Roxanne, her dad Tony, and her brother Nate. Nate has a tattoo of a necklace, so that’s a thing. Perpetually accessorized. Her father is just adorable, and you can see where she got her mega-watt smile. Her mother is too sweet. The conversation he had with her dad went well even though they didn’t show us. Everything seems great…until.

Nate is skeptical and inquisitive and accusatory. He’s weird. Nate thinks this is stupid. He said so. He doesn’t want her to fall for the “wrong dude.” He seems wise and full of worldly experience in addition to being the kind of guy from whom you’d take important life advice.

He pulls Sean aside for a heart-to-heart. Nate’s mouth is tiny and his ears are big. He accuses Sean of not feeling anything for his sister. He doesn’t believe that Sean reciprocates any emotion for his sister, but that is patently false. Sean is the epitome of diplomacy in how he’s talking to this guy coming at him hard and heavy.

“I think you’re just a playboy having fun with the circumstances,” Nate laughs at him. It’s rude.

Sean is riled up for real because his dignity and integrity are at stake now, and he can’t convince this hillbilly that he’s for real. In the end, Sean just clams up, and they head back inside to stop the conversation. Dez immediately knows something is wrong and the whole rest of the family tells Nate to shut up. They are embarrassed and awkward which is so disappointing because her parents are so sweet and DEZ IS THE BEST. COME ON. SEAN. DON’T DOUBT WHAT YOU HAVE HERE. YOU CAN FIX THINGS WITH HER BROTHER OR JUST GET OVER IT.

The only thing left is the rose ceremony back at the Bachelor Mansion. Sean tells us that he feels confident about seeing a future with AshLee and Lindsay, but a question mark lingers over Desiree and Catherine. FINALLY, we get a Chrarrison sit-down-talk-about-your-feelings-time.

Sean is confused. The only negative he has for Dez is her brother. The negative he has with Catherine is that she is a free-spirit and isn’t in a place where she’s ready to completely settle down and get married. The choice there is pretty clear-cut to me, but who knows what Sean is going to think.

As a side note, how in the name of all things is the girl who got out of the limo in a wedding dress and got blasted the first night in the semi-finals of this thing? How is that possible? That girl is my age, and I do not understand what is going on with her whole situation. LINDSAY.

Sean pregame huddles at the rose ceremony that standing before them he still doesn’t know who he’s going to send home. This is weighing heavily on his heart; as well it should be, but come on dude. Don’t be stupid.

Before he gives out even the first rose, Dez pulls him aside to talk to him. Her gold sequin dress rules. She cries trying to apologize for the way her brother behaved. She knows things aren’t good for her. He is calm and reassuring, BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT HE’S THINKING.

He calls AshLee first. Next he calls Lindsay, like we knew he would. And so now it’s down to my two favorites, and this blows. The little hamster powering his brain mill is running so fast while he agonizes with the last rose. He puts it down. HE PUTS IT DOWN. WHAT’S HE DOING?  HE WALKS AWAY. REAL TIME REATIONS HAPPENING I’VE HAD TOO MUCH WINE MAYBE. The intervention music starts up while he goes back to the room to look at the ladies’ pictures one more time.

So he puts the two girls through a tortuous wait while he figures out what he’s gonna do be\cause he didn’t figure it out before! Sean! Get your shit together! He finally comes back into the room to deal the final blow to one girl.

He calls Catherine’s name. Oh no. Oh boy. I am breaking inside for Desiree. I cannot believe Sean let her brother ruin this. OH WELL. DEZ FOR THE NEXT BACHELORETTE. COME ON NOW. WHO WOULDN’T WANT TO MARRY THAT BRIDAL CONSULTANT WITH A SMILE AS BRIGHT AS THE SUN?! I’M SO HURT BY THIS DECISION SEAN, BUT YOU’LL BE SORRY WHEN SHE FINDS THE MAN OF HER DREAMS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER AND YOU ARE SINGLE WITHIN 8 MONTHS OR LESS.

SEE YOU LATER SUCKER; I’M ON DEZ’S SIDE NOW. I MEAN, PICK WHO YOU’RE GONNA PICK, BUT DEZ IS THE BEST AND YOU ARE A DOOFUS FOR NOT SEEING IT. Just propose to whoever you’re going to propose to on that rice paddy in Thailand so we can move on to Dez finding love.

Alright, well, because God hates me, there is a surprise tomorrow night in the form of a Sean Tells All special. I will see you all for that journeyers because this man has some major ‘splaining to do. But for now I’m heading back to my wine. Back. to my. wine.

The Bachelor - Episode 7 Recap

Guys this is a lot of hours of tv I've recapped in the last three days. I've spread it out over the week, but really I hunkered down and did all six hours of the Bachelor within about 18 hours, and holy crap I am tired. I'm just gonna close my eyes and real quick listen to "Can't Hold Us" by Mackelmore and Ryan Lewis to pump me up.

Ok. Here I am. Back and ready to go. When last we left our heroes, they were en route to the Virgin Islands for some fun in the sun and for things with Tierra to reach their boiling point.

Sean just continues to be a tame lil' rebel and breaks the rules by arriving in St. Croix with the other women as they arrive by sea plane. He departs and the ladies set up in their hotel suite and plan all the fun times they'll have. While they chirp, Tierra set up a roll-away cot in one of the rooms because she's "not friends with girls who like her boyfriend." And needs space to focus on Sean. This is all completely normal and healthy behavior that is only to be expected of a woman mature and at a place in her life where she's ready to get married. JUST KIDDING TIERRA IS FULL BLOWN PSYCHO CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HOW THIS PANS OUT.

AshLee gets the first one-on-one date. She’s super excited because the card said “let’s get carried away” and she “always gets carried away with Sean. If not physically, then emotionally.” Don’t let him physically carry you places, Ashlee. Be your own woman.

Tierra sings a nice little song called “the cougar’s back in town” about AshLee and how at 32, she is so old she’s useless to society and wonders what’s wrong with AshLee that a modern, independent woman with a successful career is not yet married and the mother of many babies.

There is no rose on the one-on-one because HOLY CRAP, the hometown dates are next week. Things are heating up! Where has the time gone? Let’s get Tierra the f*ck out of here, Sean!

As the cameras pan over AshLee stripping down to her bikini, Sean voices over how proud he was that AshLee let him blindfold her in Canada and show her vulnerability like only someone who planned a stunt down to a tee can. They take a catamaran out to their own private island for fun in the sun sexy times.

Cut to Lesley, Catherine, Dez, and Lindsay cackling like crows and discussing what else, Tierra. It’s an accurate and candid moment of girls talking about another girl behind her back. Then AshLee on the beach (while it drizzles? Is it raining?) tells Sean the details of why they don’t like Tierra and what her problems are. It’s pretty straight forward, and honest, not cruel. And he seems to take it kind of well? I’m not sure. His simple mind is hard to read.

When Tierra FINALLY gets her one-on-one date card, she is none too pleased to discover that they’ll be walking the streets of St. Croix. I mean the bugs are attacking her and her (METRIC TON OF) makeup dripping off doesn’t sound special enough. Tierra Hulk about to make appearance.

AshLee wears a crop top and floral sarong (???) to the ocean-side dinner with Sean. He immediately asks a hard-hitter, if there’s anything they haven’t covered about her family that they need to. Dramatic pause. She has a bomb to drop and they drag out that dropping as long as possible.

Turns out AshLee is a divorcee! She got married at seventeen when she was a junior in high school and was divorced the next year! Yikes! I thought she maybe had three secret kids (no way she would’ve talked about those guys constantly) or maybe like killed a guy and went to jail for a bit. But she’s still just as ashamed as if she had killed a guy. Sean tells her he thinks she’s perfect just the way she is and that she isn’t broken. That’s nice. It’s the truth. But still nice to reiterate that being divorced in no way makes you a broken and ruined human person.

Then AshLee stands up and says, “Are you ready?” And Sean replies, “For what?” And boy, did he have no idea what was coming because AshLee then screams, “HELLO ST. CROOOOOIIIIX!” and he likes this game because he does the same thing! Then they play some more and she says, “Ready?” and he says, “For what?!” and she takes a deep breath and screams, “I LOVE SEAAAAN!” From atop her chair. On an island. On TV. Just as those words were meant to be said. God, those words just seem to be a wee bit premature.

It’s finally here, y’all: time for the Reign of Tierra’s first one-on-one date. Sean’s “got a lot of questions for her” as well he should. Remember on Emily’s season when so many of the dates just consisted of two people wandering around a strange city and shopping? This is as boring as that only worse because Tierra is here and she’s complaining all the way and demanding fig body lotion to which Sean says “I bet you like soaps and body lotions, huh?” which OH MY GOD. GREAT BANTER. GOOD FIRST DATE TALKING POINTS, YOU MIMBO.

I wish I could tell you that I’ve had some wine or something, but I’m just really caps-y and really giggly at how horrendous this whole this is. She is bedecked is stupid tourist trinkets that Sean (ABC) bought for her. “It means a lot” she nods to camera. No, it doesn’t.

Then there’s an impromptu parade with some locals festooned in traditional garb. Sean and Tierra dance in the street and look happy. I wish the feathered locals would carry Tierra off into the jungle and never return.

Simple Sean is incredibly confused as to how he could enjoy spending time with someone like Tierra so much, and still know all the things he knows about how everyone on planet Earth hates her. They sit down with some snow-cones to discuss just that. Tierra immediately lies her pretty little face off, then tells the cameras she will be incredibly pissed if she finds out some girl threw her under the bus.

They move onto dinner, and Tierra jumps right into setting the vibe right from earlier when she could tell Sean was turned off. “I did feel like there was a little distant from you and I don’t know what it was caused from,” Tierra tells a stone faced Sean. She is a sculptor of words. Sean admits that his distance is due to the drama with all the other girls.

Moments later, on a moonlit dock, Tierra seizes the moment to tell Sean how much she cares for him, and feels for him, then smiles showing all her teeth which is a sign of aggression in monkeys, then kisses him, then pulls him into a hug to whisper “I’m falling in love with you” and I google information about filing restraining orders on other people’s behalf. They smush face kiss a lot. He doesn’t seem into it a lot.

This next part. I can’t even. At 4:42 am Sean creeps into the girls’ room with a flashlight and a camera because he knows how much girls hate being seen without makeup, but he really wanted to see that, so he just stole their pictures upon first waking up. That is such a brilliantly horrible idea. I want to know which producer thought that up, sold it to Sean, and then actually helped carry that out. So I can punch that person.

Despite getting off to a rocky and in perhaps criminal start, this date actually sounds pretty awesome. They got up so early to race to the top of a hill to watch the sun rise from the Eastern most point in the United States, and through the day they’ll be traveling across the whole island to then watch the sun set. This is actually a love idea and fun a group activity.

The first stop on the Virgin Island road trip journey to love is a sugar mill and I’m pretty sure that’s where Sean and Tierra had their date last night so…less exciting. Then they go feed a random donkey! Then they go to a magical place called “Café” where they drink tropical drinks. Then they go to a tree house in the jungle where Dez monopolizes Sean’s time being adorable, and Lindsay and Catherine are sad about it.

They make it to the beach where they’ll watch the sunset and every girl freaks out about the rose because it means he’ll meet her family. I kind of care, but Sean is getting tan and freckly and better looking and I want to look at him more than at Lindsay cooing.

Obligatory Bachelor shot of a wild bird! They did it! Mark the calendar everybody. The wild bird shot has been completed episode 7.

Sean and Lindsay have a good beach talk about how even though she was insane and wore a wedding dress on the first night, they really like each other. While avoiding eye contact the whole time, Catherine tells Sean that if he comes home he won’t meet her dad because when she was 14 he tried to kill himself in front of her and her sisters. Like, Catherine! That is relevant to your love life! That is relevant to shaping who you are as a person not a tree falling in Brooklyn! Anyways, her vulnerability and honesty make Sean like her even more. They are bunnies.

Cut to Lesley and AshLee talking sh*t about Tierra on the veranda, but Tierra can hear the whole thing! AshLee doesn’t think Tierra has the nerve to confront her, but boy is she in for a surprise.

Dez continues to be adorable by crying about how much she loves her family and wants Sean to meet them. I don’t hate her at all for this. Based on what she’s said about her upbringing, her family sounds like they are full of love and made it through hard times. Yay, Dez.

So after two heartfelt talks and one play-date, Sean gives the rose to his infant friend Lindsay. I bet she really hates having that zit right about now. The other two girls are visibly bummed out. Don’t worry girls. I think he really likes you both.

So now it’s time for Lesley’s one-on-one. Sean doesn’t want to get caught up in the glamour of a fancy Bachelor date, so he wants to take her somewhere beautiful and just talk. This does not bode well for Lesley maybe. They have a chill date wandering a ruined rum factory that has fruit trees growing all over. Intensely beautiful.

They sit down for lunch and talk about what meeting her family would be like. Lesley decides not to tell Sean she’s falling in love with him. She is so smart and lovely, but Sean is worried that she’s tense and not confident in their relationship. Even though they kiss a little, Sean thinks their relationship just moves a little slower than the others.

Due to the weight of the decisions he’ll be making this week, Sean’s sister Shay comes to town to give a little sisterly advice. This is good! Nothing like someone who cares about you to come in and level with you about the bat-shit crazy girl you’re keeping close company with.

Shay is direct and honest and I like her. She wastes no time asking tough questions like do you want to marry any of them? Have any of them told you they love you? Is there that totally sucks that is drawing you in? Shay then says the family’s worst fear would be for that last thing to happen. That the terrible girl is the one he ends up with and then he ends up getting hurt.

Tierra and AshLee throw down time! They start off seated on opposite couches, very calmly discussing their dates. Tierra tells her he was distant and knows it was AshLee who said something to him.

Oh my god this is amazing. They are overlaying AshLee and Tierra’s fight with Sean and Shay talking about how Tierra has been the name that all the other girls bring up as a bad person with bad intentions.

AshLee holds her own and manages to keep somewhat calm as she rips Tierra to shreds. Tierra FLIES off the handle and keeps brinigng up AshLee’s age into the argument. AshLee just says Tierra’s character is bad, and that’s just true. She doesn’t say “you’re a bitch”, she says she has bad character. Which I respect and like.

Shay reminds Sean that her only piece of advice going into this was “don’t end up with the girl that nobody likes.” BOOM. THIS IS SO GOOD.

The argument has moved to the budoir where Lesley and Catherine are laying on the bed intently listening to every word.

Here are just direct quote highlights from Tierra:

“Raised eyebrow?! AshLee that’s my face! I have had no botox, no nothing, so I can’t help that.”

“They said ‘Tierra you have a sparkle. Tierra you have a sparkle! Do not let those girls take your sparkle away.’” AHHHHHHHHH;LAJDFJASKLJFOWUEROADS;LFJSPARKLEAKLSJDOIEWORUAOSJDF;LAJSDFJAWIOERJAJDF;LASJDFI;AJSPARKLEEEEE

“I can’t control my eyebrow! I cannot! I cannot control what’s on my face 24/7!”

Ok so now Sean thinks he should go grab Tierra and maybe Shay will see something he doesn’t see. This is perfect. This is too good.

Sean arrives to find all the girls sitting in their living room silently, and goes to look for Tierra. When he finds her she is crying with her head down, so he says her name to get her attention and she FLIPS her head and ponytail up like a jack-in-the-box. I cackled so hard, y’all.

Sean is all “wtf?” with why she’s acting like this. He’s like “let’s go meet someone” and she’s like “I’m so sensitive and special. This is so hard for me.” As she sits there crying and using words like “sabotage” we see the realization hit him like a semi-truck. Shay doesn’t need to meet her anymore because he all of the sudden totally gets it. This is a crazy person, and most importantly, not the crazy person who deserves his love!

She cries some more, and Sean tells her to sit tight and walks away. “This is turning into a nightmare,” he tells us. He is thinking as hard as his little brain will let him think about all this.

He comes back in and says tells her how he wanted her to meet his sister, so she obviously starts sobbing and clings to him with all her tiny strength. He then says that because he cares so much about her, he thinks it would be best if she goes home now. Yes, Sean. Yes, Sean. Yes, yes, Sean. Positive decision making skills under fire!

He walks her down the resort path of doom and asks, “are you gonna be ok?” to which she crinkles up her face like a troll and says “No. I’m not.” Yes you are, dummy. Everyone ends up ok. As soon as he slams the van door shut she sobs out, “I can’t believe they did this to me!” Oh sweetie, you did this all to yourself.

As the rose ceremony begins, none of the women have any idea what has happened to Tierra or what is going on. They speculate wildly, not knowing he’s completed their dreams. Sean tells them what happened and then clarified that he did not like drama and stared AshLee in the face. She freaks the eff out. He decides to go straight into the rose ceremony with no talking beforehand.

With Lindsay already safe, there are only three roses to go out for the hometown dates. He calls Dez first. Then Catherine gets her rose. We have the front runners. Now it’s last rose time. Down to Lesley and AshLee. He picks AshLee. In the moment we cut to Lesley, she looks sad and young. She has years ahead of her. She’ll be fine.

Weirdly, Catherine is really upset because she doesn’t understand why he’d send Lesley home when they have so much in common. I don’t know, Catherine. Don’t question it too hard?

THAT’S IT! THAT’S ALL SHE WROTE. I am done. I’m gonna go eat food and watch some scripted TV. I’ll be back on regular schedule next week, until then, keep journeying, journeyers.

The Bachelor - Episode 6 Recap

Let's get this started, y'all! In the words of Montell Jordan - thiiis is hooow we dooo it.

The crew this week heads up to one of my top ten places I want to visit before I die: Lake Louise in the Canadian Rockies. Boy am I jealous of these crazies. Along with the promise of beautiful scenery, is the promise of Tierra having an extreme hypothermic episode in which all her mascara goes bye-bye.

Man do they love using the music from Intervention to score dramatic scenes in this show. I mean, they are definitely the same level of intensity so it makes sense.Sean is really excited because did you know? He loves the outdoors. He is an outdoorsy man.

The women are thrilled to be at their fancy hotel too, but concerned about Sean after he was so serious at the last rose ceremony. Lesley somberly says, “Honestly, you could tell it – on his face.” Now, to be fair, Lesley is one of the more intelligent girls there but help me out, girl.

Catherine, who is vegan but has managed to only mention it once, bless her, is going on the first one-on-one this week. She’s pretty adorable, and I kind of am hoping she becomes a front-runner. She beams at the camera, “I know today is just gonna be perfect,” and looks like a cuddly woodland creature.

Cut to her standing on the middle of an ice-field completely alone and presumably freezing her vegan ass off. She tells us she was “scared as hell” and then over the hill, appears a snow trekking vehicle from the Ice Planet Hoth. They play and giggle and have fun all their merry way in the snow bus, and then they play and giggle and have more funsicles up on a glacier! They are basically bunnies. They are bunnies.

They share some hot chocolate from a thermos (ROMANCE), and Catherine says she hasn’t had chocolate since she was “like, four”. Which is a HUGE missed opportunity to consume delicious beverages on her part. I also have to wonder if it’s Vegan, because even the powdered stuff have dehydrated dairy in it, no?

Sean tells us that Catherine has passed “the Blizzard Test” and then tries his hand at comedy one more time by saying, “Canada, eh?” to Catherine and boy does she giggle! They are discovering what comedy is together! Ha, ha, ha, oh, JOKES!

THEY GET IN A SURREY WITH THE FRINGE ON TOP to take them to the dinner portion of their date in an ICE CASTLE. BUT SURREY WITH THE FRINGE ON TOP. It’s very romantic and nice. Then Catherine tells a sob-story about how one time a tree fell on her best friend and killed her before her eyes when she was twelve. Now, look. This is terrible. This is indeed traumatic and probably formative, but relevant? Not sure. Important to your romance? Probably not? Whatever, Sean eats it all up and is googley eyed over her.

To let her know just how special she is, Sean gives her the rose like he’s given to all the other girls who are still here at least five times.

GROUP DATE. We have an exhilarating challenge that will follow a canoe trip across Lake Louise. Based on yesterday’s relay race, this will not be the easiest day. Also, once again, Sarah the girl with one arm is forced to do an activity best served by two hands and two arms. But, surprisingly, she does really well and aces it.

Lesley is in Sean’s boat and all the other girls are jealous that she volunteered to be in his boat when he asked.

When they reach the other side of the lake, Sean reveals that they will be completing a polar bear plunge! It’s a glacial lake, so the water is just above freezing. The girls are not obligated to complete this challenge, but Sean reminds them that YOLO. Then two Canadian life guards trot out to safety brief them. The girls look miserable. Selma is refusing. Tierra scowls. One lifeguard is ginger and looks like he has never seen other people before despite being a lifeguard. Maybe he’s a moose lifeguard, or bear lifeguard, or tree lifeguard because get it? There are no people in most of Canada.

Most girls are hesitant. Lindsay is thrilled. All we know is that it’s freezing but looks fun. I’ve done a polar bear plunge on New Years before and it is indeed exhilarating, but also painfully cold. That’s not really important. I just wanted to toss that out there.

With a selection of hikers watching, Selma prissily tells Sean no way will she do this. He half-heartedly encourages her to try it, but you can kinda tell he doesn’t care either way. Then Selma reminds us she is from Bagdad and doesn’t do cold, but she was also pissed that he brought an Iraqi to a desert so I guess there’s no winning with her.

The girls SCREECH into bikinis then SCREECH to the water’s edge, then SCREECH as they all take the final steps into the plunge and then, you guessed it, SCREECH as they run back to the tent to a flimsy little terry cloth robe. Somehow everyone’s makeup looks great. Then they SCRECH to camera about how great it felt, and how fun it was, and I’m like “YEAH, IT’S GREAT! I’M PROUD OF YOU TOO” and I realize I’ve been watching a lot of this show this week.

Then tragedy strikes. Tierra is gasping for air and hunched over and her makeup is dripping down her face like a monster. The ginger wildlifeguard has his time to shine as they wrap her in space blankets and race to a car to warm her little body. Faking it. She’s faking it.

Dez and Catherine see the emergency scene and are very concerned! They have no idea who it could be, and therefore don’t know it’s Tierra faking an illness once again. The medical team does very official work, and stabilize her. While they stabilize an already stabilized Tierra, she hunches and shakes like baby fetus Voldemort before Peter Pettigrew dumps him into his rebirth-soup.

And as she’s being wheeled into the lobby to get to the clinic, she squeaks out “I’ll miss time with him” in baby voice and then I die. I’m dead you guys. I’m a ghost. Tierra killed me. If you can manage baby voice, you are NOT EXPERIENCING HYPOTHERMIA.

Meanwhile, the rest of the group canoes back across the lake. Catherine and Dez rush to Tierra’s side to find out the actual f**k is going on. When asked, Tierra responds, “We had to jump in that glacier.” Yes. The glacier is a thing into which one can jump and then experience hypothermia, not Lake Louise the lake everyone’s been talking about non-stop for two days.

The producers of this show continue to be my best friends by cutting together scenes of the other girls arriving back at the suite to say how wonderful and fun the plunge was while Tierra gets her hair blowdried by a producer and then she’s in a robe with someone attending her feet while she shoves a cheeseburger in her psychotic mouth.

As she coyly hooks oxygen up to her face, Sean pops in to see how Tierra’s doing. She’s nothing but bashful and attention flirting. She says, “This guy better marry me!” as a funny joke to Sean and he somehow laughs instead of running for his life out of the room. “You keep managing to get one on one time with me,” he whispers. YEAH. Yeah. That’s accurate. He tells her she needs to sit out the dinner party that night, and yeah that’s really gonna work with that one.

The women seem to think the night will be daisies from here are excited for more time with the boyfriend they all share. Lesley and Sean make out. Sarah shows him pictures of her family, and he responds like anyone being forced to look at pictures of someone else’s family: with thinly veiled boredom.

Like clockwork, we see Tierra getting ready back at the hotel. She’s not having any fun. Baby Tierra needs to have fun and constant stimuli or she gets sour and fakes a disease. “I’m crazy cuz’ I’m wearin’ heels,” there’s that, and a whole bushel basket of other reasons you should be institutionalized, Tierra. But have fun at the party! Everyone super wants you there! Hope you get the rose!

She walks into a freshly silent room full of women who were talking about her seconds before. Then Lesley calls her a “Tierrorist” and I laugh! That’s a good one, Les! I really mean it, no sarcasm!

As he and Tierra talk, what I’m most struck by is that he not only likes this woman but can more than stand the sound of her voice. The sound of her voice makes me wish I was hanging out in Hades.

But look at that. Lesley gets the rose. Tierra’s look could kill. She obviously went to the party because she thought she had an automatic rose, but guess what, NOPE.

So the party ends, and the girls get back to the hotel, but then Sean walks in because he just “doesn’t see a forever” with one girl. It’s Sarah. He pulls her out. This is not good. This poor girl. Ooh, here we go.

Sarah does not see this coming. He lets her down gently, but she is sad, sad, sad. He says he feels he’s been trying to force a connection with her, and that he didn’t feel anything in the kiss they had tonight. Rude, but also honest, but also OH MY GOSH POOR SARAH! She’s totally done with the conversation.

He lets her go back to the room to pack her things, and as soon as he walks away she breaks down. It’s a rare moment on the show when we see raw, human emotion, and it’s hard to watch. She’s so sad because she feels like this has happened to her so often before. She’s wondering what’s wrong with her that guys always tell her she’s beautiful and amazing, but don’t want to be with her. GIRLFRIEND. Let’s hangout and eat ice-cream. You are the best. I’m sorry for having to go through real shit on TV.

Now it’s time to continue in Fear Factor Bachelor for Dez’s second one-on-one date! They take a nice long hike up a mountain, then Sean drops the bomb that they’ll be repelling to their picnic below! They trot out the MOST CANADIAN MAN OF ALL TIME to safety prep them for repeling. The MOST CANADIAN MAN OF ALL TIME is very friendly and teaches them how not to die. Sean creates the metaphor for how repelling is just like a relationship.

Dez manages to look adorable in her harness, and I’m pretty mad about it. No one looks cute in harness. Everyone looks terrible and bulgy in them. Except for Dez. She whimpers a lot of the way down, but Sean cheers her on with words and kisses, and they make it! Then Dez creates a metaphor for how repelling is just like a relationship.

They eat a picnic in a meadow and kiss grossly. Then they are candidly adorable and have a tree-climbing race. They race to climb up a tree and then kiss in the tree and it’s precious. Then they wreck it by shouting “Hello, Canada!” and man do these people love to shout about where they are.

Deep in the dark woods, the lovers happen upon a romantic teepee. Yes, that’s correct, a teepee. It’s pretty cute and probably offensive. They have a lovely conversation about how her childhood was tough because her family didn’t always have a home. She is a jewel of human. He gives her the rose for being the best.

Thank God we’re finally at the cocktail party. We’re almost there. Tierra is wearing a giant faux fur scarf over a flowy white dress. It’s weird. Selma decides she’s going to go against the wishes of her traditional and conservative family and kiss Sean. She sets it up very strange and leans in for a cold, fish-lipped, kiss that one might bestow upon an elderly aunt who insists you kiss her on the lips.

Sean and Lindsay make out a little.

Then AshLee decides to take control of giving up her control. Sean said he felt like she was struggling with trying to control everything, so she decides he will blindfold her and lead her around to symbolize her relinquishing control. This woman cries a lot. She has ghosts from her past, sure, but hold it together a little woman! It appears to all be worth it because he leads her to a bench and then kisses her face. It’s a little romantic, but it’s hard to get into a guy kissing a blindfolded girl.

In a real nail-biter of a rose ceremony, Sean sends home Daniella and Selma. Boy, I really hope Selma doesn’t regret compromising her morals for a bad kiss with a guy who wasn’t really even feeling her all that much. Also, good-bye sweet Daniella. You are as beautiful as you are dumb, may the publicity of this show bring you far in your broadcasting career.

Ok, kids. I’ve got a piece of strawberry cheesecake in the fridge with my name literally on it. I’m gonna eat that real quick, and dive right into the next recap! See you soon! XOXO

The Bachelor - Episode 5 Recap

Oh Journeyers, oh my sweet Journeyers. My deepest apologies for the bit of hiatus, but fear not, I've been watching all the drama and faux-mance for you. It's been quite the eventful couple of episodes, but it's amounted to SIX HOURS, so hunker down, grab a gallon of wine, and let's get started.

This week we're finally out of the Bachelor Mansion and traveling to Montana. There will be a group date, a one-on-one, and dun-dun-DUUUUUN A TWO-ON-ONE!

Over some powerful pretty shots of Montana, Sean shares that he can't wait to see "the women" because he already misses "them" and can't wait to spend more time with "them" this week. It's a rare occurrence of me actually being grossed out by the fact that this guy literally has nine girlfriends at once right now.

Catherine makes a heart with her arms and does all the work for me. This show parodies itself.

Despite Tierra's saint-like "patience" the one-on-one goes to Lindsay who has a seizure upon hearing the news. I'm kidding about the seizure, but she literally does cry about it.

The date card read "Let love soar" and in a truly shocking turn of events, they are traveling by helicopter on the Bachelor! Unprecedented levels of romance here. "It's that a helicopter?" Lindsay the substitute teacher squeals!

They land for a picnic on the Blackfeet Indian Reservation at Glacier National Park which is just a whole LOT of desecration of some really important land in our nation's history. But by all means Lindsay, continue squealing about Sean and your family on it.

Over drinks later they have a deep talk in which Lindsay says how scared she was as an "adolescent" because her dad was in the army overseas. And while that is a hardship I can't even imagine, she keeps saying "adolescence" and it's WEIRD and substitute teacher-y. Then they make out. She gets the rose.

And THEN they have a surprise in the center of downtown Whitefish, Montana is a concert from C-list country recording artist Sarah Darling. This episode is a perfect episode to complete the Bachelor drinking game. They slow dance, and Sean giggles almost as much as Linds.

Over on the group date, the girls greet Sean for a day of outdoorsmanship in the form of a deranged relay race! True to form. the winning team continues on the group date, the losers go home, and I think Selma might actually be a doll come to life.

Daniella has absolutely no chance in this thing, but she is so dumb and special to me. On first sight of the goats they will soon be milking (yes.), she goes, "Are those dogs?" Yes, Daniella, the goats are dogs.

Once again, there is an extremely physical challenge happening on a group-date for Sarah, the girl with one arm, and once again she’s forced to talk about how having one-arm isn’t going to hold her back.

Both Dez and Leslie have mentioned how willing they are to chug fresh goat milk in order to spend more time with Sean. It’s part of the relay race, and it’s kind of funny, but mostly just terribly, terribly sad. Ladies, Sean should be chugging goat milk to spend time with YOU. Or you know what? Let’s all be equal and if chugging goat milk is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY, do it together. Come on now.

It’s an exciting race (it isn’t), and in a shocking (not shocking) finale, the Red Team pulls up from a slow start to win it all. The best part is Chris Harrison is live commenting on the events like it’s an actual sporting event. “Try to get that rhythm down. Find your rhythm,” he encourages as the girls saw a log and I just laugh and laugh and laugh.

Dez chugged the milk like a champ even though it was warm and came out her nose. She is adorable. The blue team are sad puppies who wish their boyfriend didn’t make them perform feats of strength to get close to him.

Sean is heartbroken at the cocktail party that he had to send those Blue girls home, and so he says JOURNEY and bends the rules. The blue team is coming back to the party to spend their important getting-to-know-you time with Sean! AHHHHHALJFASLDJLSK! They scamper to get ready.

Trouble is afoot though when Sean tells the red team that he invited the blue team over. The girls feel like all their hard work was for naught, but Sean realizes how stupid and arbitrary a game to spend time with him is if he’s sincerely looking for love.

So, when Tierra first heard about getting her precious two-on-one, she was ecstatic in her psychotic way. Now that the blue team gets to go back on THEIR group date, she feels upset and mislead. She thinks Sean should know just how patiently she’s been waiting, and is going to go hunt him down.

So Tierra sneaks up behind him while he’s being interviewed by one of the producers about the night. She does that never hilarious hilarious thing where she puts her hand over his eyes and says in his name in the most serial-killer way. He’s happy (I think?) to see her anyway.

They have a little chat outside on a bench, and she expresses how she came all the way to Montana (on ABCs dime) to spend time with him, and a two-on-one feels like a slap in the face. He just basically tells her to calm the eff down and sends her on her merry way.

Oh well, the party goes on. Dez’s time is quickly interrupted by AshLee and it’s all very stupid. It’s the dumbest. He kisses all of them and we see his tongue a lot. Daniella probably had too much to drink and cries about the fact that she can’t weasel her way into having time with Sean. They have disgusting, slurpy kisses. And she gets the date rose. Robyn is pissed. Did you forget Robyn was here? Me too.

Time for the two-on-one show down. Sean is thrilled to have time with Jackie (remember her? Don’t worry about it) and Tierra. Tierra is thrilled to be on a date with her “husband” and go horse-back riding! Sean and Tierra leave Jackie and her slow-poke horse behind.

Jackie is very pretty and very sweet, but she just doesn’t have it with him. She brings up Tierra and how she was very flirtatious with a guy at the airport. I appreciate her being specific about negative sides to Tierra, but she wasted her time talking about that!

The dinner on this date is so awkward and Sean speaks aloud what they all feel about wishing they could be anywhere else. So, on their one-on-one Tierra opens up about a past relationship with a guy who passed away after a battle with addiction. If this is true, this is truly sad. An honestly hard thing to go through, but I can also see why she’s so dramatic about everything because she only knew a dramatic relationship for her formative five year relationship. It also screams codependency to me.

Tierra gets the rose. Jackie is sad. Then Sean and Tierra watch fireworks lakeside.

To the cameras Tierra lifts her rose and says, “Hey! Two-on-one!” and laughs and I worry about their safety. There’s a producer named Cassie whom I feel kindred to and I’m worried about her whenever Tierra laughs her psycho laugh.

At the start of the cocktail party, the producers do my favorite thing. They pan slowly over a taxidermy scene of a coyote standing over the body of a dead pheasant. It’s as if to say Tierra will soon kill them all and stand over their bodies victorious. HA HA!

Sean and Dez have a weird conversation where she seems to fall from favor a little. I hate that. She’s the best. Don’t be an idiot, Sean!

Shockingly, while the girls are talking about how they’re sad Jackie is gone, Tierra clomps off in her high heels to completely isolate herself. “No one is jealous of that!” Daniella accurately says of Tierra’s little bitch fits. Robyn and Tierra argue more. Then while Tierra is yelling and swearing at them all, Sean walks right by and hears it all. But guys. You won’t believe it. The best part is that what he hears her saying is “I will bite. I am a scorpio. My stinger does come out when I’m pissed.” YOU GUYS HE HEARS HER SAYING HOW MUCH SHE RESEMBLES HER ZODIAC. HASHTAG BLESSED.

Sean is shocked that Tierra could be an angry and psychotic person. “I’m not a drama person at all,” are real words that Tierra says to Sean which is the marker of a person who loves and lives for drama.

In the end, Sean sends home Robyn because we all forgot she was here and all she ever did was provoke Tierra. Can't say I'm sad to see her go, but I wish her all the best in life.

Ok! That's one down, two to go! Check in tomorrow for more recap and romantic fun! KISSES (with no tongue because GROSS, SEAN).

The Bachelor - Episode 4 Recap

  Here we are at week four already. Already we’re hearing proclamations that Sean is the man a woman can envision spending the rest of her life with. Hoo buoy. Yup. I mean buoy. I need something to hold onto in the turbid seas of the Bachelor. If Tierra was just a tad crazy last week, it looks like she’s diving into straight up psycho. And we’re all going with her. Shall we dive? We shall.

Remember when Ben was the Bachelor and his hair was terrible? And he had little pepperoni nipples? And he was nothing to see shirtless? Sean is everything the opposite of Ben. The first shot we get of Sean in this episode is him rubbing sleep from his eyes wearing nothing but his black Calvin Klein boxer briefs. I am surprised at how ok with this I am. I am SUPER ok with this shot.

Leslie H. is constantly crying. She is crying as she anticipates the date cards and says, “I know a date will come. It’s just a matter of being patient” and weeping constantly. Keep that up. She gives a pretty good “meh” face as the first one-on-one goes to Selma. I, on the other hand, am thrilled. I love Selma! Go Selma! Cool it on immediately stating that you want to have his babies, though. Don’t go Tierra-level psycho, Selms.

Well, she’s losing me quickly. First, Sean mentions that she told him all about her struggles with people judging her because she’s so beautiful. Then in the limo she asks if he can handle “all 110 pounds of this!” in reference to them possibly dancing and her breaking his toes. Like, what woman discloses her exact weight on her first date with some guy? Why? Just in case he doesn’t think she’s tiny?

“We pull up to the airport, and I’m trying to put two and two together here!” she laughs. Well, Selma. I’m not judging you for being stupid based on your looks, but I must say that when one pulls up to an airport that is full of planes and you get out onto a tarmac where an empty plane is waiting, the math is not that hard.

They contort into the most awkward cuddling position ever as they fly to a mystery location. All the while Selma waxes poetic about how glamorous and luxurious and dream-like and princessy she feels. But the destination is a bleak desert. Selma is concerned. “He took the Iraqi to a desert,” she deadpans. She is funnier when she’s not trying.

Sean finally reveals that they will be rock climbing at Joshua Tree National Park. Selma, who keeps repeating that she “does not do well in heat”, is apprehensive. And you know what? Fair. I, personally, would love to rock climb at Joshua Tree, but that is not for everyone. If it’s actually important to Sean that she do this, then fine. But also being married isn’t about liking/being good at the same extreme sports. If it is then I am totally screwed in my plans to marry an Olympic snowboarder.

“Selma is pint sized. So she might have some issues getting up this rock today. But if she does, I can just strap her to my back and just pull us both up there,” Sean tells the camera. I want to hate this. I want to hate everything he just said, but I love it. Rude of him. Making me like him. He encourages her the entire way up, and she is real woman, real talk hauling her own ass up that rock face. They make it up as the sun is setting, and I’m pretty impressed with Selma for going HAM on that rock and Sean for being so supportive.

For the dinner portion, Sean keeps hammering home that he’s not bringing glamorous Selma somewhere glamorous. Expecting the worst, they actually come upon a little campsite with little decked out trailers in a circle. It may not be glamorous, but it’s pretty adorable and nice.

They talk about Sean’s past relationship (yes, singular), and then move right along to, you guessed it! FAMILY! Selma’s Family story is this: they are strict and Arabic and conservative. Selma is concerned her mother would have a heart attack if she saw her kiss someone on TV because they’re so conservative. Now Sean has already expressed how much he wants to kiss her, but she can’t. This is a real pickle they’re in.

He asks permission to kiss her which is ADORABLE. But she explains her whole situation and he is understanding. But oh man. That has got to SUCK for both of them. Sean makes a pretty hilarious groan to the cameras in his exasperation of not being able to kiss that lady. He gives her the rose, of course, and kisses her on the head. And then they play a GREAT Ben Taylor song for a montage.

On today’s group date we have Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Katherine (the girls all yay after her name because we all know how fun she is), Amanda, AshLee, Sarah, and Tierra. Tierra is PISSED about being on another group date.

No one knows what they’re doing but they sure are excited! Catherine’s excited! Amanda’s excited! Sarah’s excited! Lindsay thinks they’re going to get into those giant hamster balls and roll down a hill!

But shockingly, Lindsay is wrong. Sean practically pees his pants in excitement that they’re going to be doing roller derby. Sean is giggling. “You’re all such sweet girls, so it’ll be interesting to see you get a little aggressive.” Yeah, Sean, “interesting”. We’ll use that word to describe this blood bath. This is as bad an idea as when they went boxing on Ashlee’s season (poor Ames).

Tierra has been unleashed. Tierra is wearing green. Tierra is Hulk. Tierra “excite to knock some biatches down.” Tierra FULL PENT UP RAGE.

Amanda does a fun little thing. Amanda lies and says she’s done roller derby before to mess with the girls’ heads. How fun. She likes how psyched out they’re all getting.

Sarah, the girl with one arm that isn’t an issue, has an issue only having one arm. I feel terrible for her. She does not have the same balance as the other girls. You use your arms a lot in roller derby, so she’s just feeling embarrassed. I’m sad for her. AshLee tries to boost her confidence. AshLee, not Sean, her date.

Ok, now Sean does come over to encourage her. He’s very sweet and based on last week’s weird dog gesture, he likes her a lot. She ends up deciding to get back out there and really give it her all, despite how scary it is.

Amanda, remember how she lied? Is feeling really confident. She and Tierra Hulk are butt bumping they’re so confident. But at the height of her bragging, she bites it. Hard. On her face. They call an ambulance for her because they’re worried she broke her jaw. She looks not great, and they send her to the hospital to get it checked out.

Later (minutes? Hours?) Sean gives a strange almost coach-like prep talk to the two teams of girls all geared up for their roller derby. They all look terrified and rightly-fricking-so. Just in the nick of time, their white knight calls off the derby and decides to just have a “free skate” instead! Weeee! I bet Amanda is happy she put so much effort into lying and psyching out the other team now!

For cocktails, they arrive back at the Roosevelt. What weird ad deal did the Roosevelt pull off to be the exclusive date location for this season of the Bachelor? At the rooftop pool, all the drama gets kicked off. Sarah is adorable. Tierra SULKS. And Amanda comes back! She pretty much has a guaranteed rose at this point for going to the hospital then coming back with enough time to get cute. Amanda knows this and isn’t afraid to play dirty to get what she wants. Which is just a rose? And not Sean? Hmmm.

Back at the mansion, the date card comes. Leslie H.’s name is finally up! He sends her diamond earrings and she says, “Holy moly, Batman!” which, no. That’s not how that phrase works.

Tierra feel left out! Tierra no stoop to other girl level! Tierra no get angry like other girl want her to! Tierra get MOST ANGRY! JOKE ON THEM! Tierra ask if she can leave!

Sarah is not fighting for her to stay exactly, but she tries to level with her. She tries to have her talk to very level headed AshLee.

No! Tierra no trust NO ONE! TIERRA WANT GO HOME! Sean and Lindsay are making out in some side room, and Tierra goes stomping off to find him.

The girls are trying to puzzle out WTF is wrong with her. Lindsay suggests she and Sean get into the hot tub. Tierra ugly cry to camera! Tierra feel torture! Tierra break down inside! All hell is BREAKING LOOSE!

Tierra finally intercepts a very taken aback Sean, leaving Lindsay to fend for herself in her swimsuit. She comes tromping up the stairs like a true champ though, doing a truly hysterical face and pose as she comes up empty handed.

In talking with the producers, and now with Sean, Tierra has used the word “torture” about a million times. Now, as someone who just hyperbolized, I understand how easy it is to do. However, the victims of actual torture may have some interesting light to shed on what “literal torture” is for dear Tierra.

So, apparently this is the episode where Sean completely wins me over and makes me wish I was dating him. I mean, not really, but kind of. It’s TIERRA we’re talking about here and he is still adorable and really great at talking her down and she is PSYCHO. I was, however, screaming NO at my screen as he was comforting her and convincing her to stay.

AND THEN HE GIVES HER THE MOTHER LICKING ROSE. NO NO NO. SEAN. SO ANGRY. ALL CAPS. NOW I’M HULK. CASSIE HULK. CASSIE HULK MAD TIERRA HULK GOT HER WAY. CASSIE HULK ANGRY TIERRA HULK DO WHATEVER TIERRA HULK WANT AND TIERRA HULK STILL WIN HEART OF PRETTY SEAN MAN.

WHY HE LIKE HER SO MUCH? WHY HE LIKE THAT? SHE BAD LADY. CASSIE HULK FULL PENT UP RAGE.

Hey y’all. I ate some chocolate covered acai-blueberries and now I’ve calmed back down, just in time for Leslie H.’s date. She is a very pretty girl, but I just don’t really care about her. She cries too much, so I’m kind of hoping Sean doesn’t give her the rose.

“Oh my god! I slept with these earrings underneath my pEHllow!” Ok Leslie. Take it down a notch. You and I have to get through this date alive. Then she says “holy moly, batman” again and I’m not so sure I will get through this alive.

So, they are actually having a “Pretty Woman” date which does not sound great because that makes the pretty woman in question a prostitute. Sean thinks this is the utmost in romance and class. Really, Texas? I’m sure this is a dream scenario for you, too. Taking a woman shopping for whatever she wants in Badgley Mischka.

After an excruciatingly unexciting shopping montage, we settle on an army green shiny silk taffeta strapless number. Everything about what I just described is the opposite of current fashion. But here we are.

Sean gets cleaned up and into a tux and she declares him “sah cyute” as she descends the staircase. We pop over to NEIL LANE – OFFICIAL JEWELER TO THE BACHELOR AND BACHELORETTE to meet Mr. Lane and pick out some ice for the lady’s neck.

This date has been manufactured to have the most romance possible, and Sean is hoping that something might click with Leslie now that they’re here in the perfect setting. I’m not so sure.

She is very smiley and giggly the whole time, which might just be her nerves, but it makes her seem really insincere. She doesn’t seem ready/willing to get right into it with Sean despite WEEPING over him for the last two weeks.

Sean’s not feeling it. He knows that she is a “phenomenal girl” but isn’t catching the spark. So he picks up the rose, and lets her down gently. He tells her all that he told us about not feeling the romance click. She is kinda pissed and a little cold to him. “You really didn’t see any romance at all?” she asks. But then as they’re saying good-bye she lets out one final warning to beware of some of the girls. Interesting, but I know the Bachelors too well to think they’ll give a second thought to that.

Um. Then. Sean gives a voice over that he is clearly reading because you can tell when non-actors read stuff. They played that Ben Taylor song earlier in the episode because Ben Taylor was supposed to play a private concert for them, but then obviously Sean isn’t going to dance alone to Ben “Son of James” Taylor. So they play Ben doing a gorgeous cover of “By Your Side” by Sade as Sean drops a rose dramatically because his life is hard, guys.

Time for the Rose Ceremony, bitches! The so-called bitches in question are all dolled up and feeling quick nervous as fewer and fewer girls are present for the ceremony. No one is safe. No one except Selma and Tierra, but other than that, no one!

Robyn decides to make a lasting impression on Sean, and decides that she should use pick up lines. Again, what fun! These women! Such pranksters! She asks him over and over if he likes chocolate and would like a taste of chocolate and he gives an emphatic YES. And she goes, “which chocolate do you want to taste” with such a giggle. And they decide to just kiss it out instead. Sean really likes kissing. We see his tongue too much for him to be very good (ahem, can we get Arie back up in this piece?) but he sure does like it.

Tierra is back on a rampage to get justice for her “good” name. So she pulls Robyn and Jackie the Cosmetics Consultant who has said about ten words this entire time, aside to level with them. She apologizes for being mean while also totally blaming them for being rude to her too. It’s awkward, and no one feels better at the other end. For getting hung-up on little things so much, it’s odd how frequently Tierra points out that she’s too mature to get hung-up on little things.

Catherine pops into frame just long enough to sing-song say, “Tierra-ble!!!” I haven’t seen her and Sean interact, but I really don’t want him to send Catherine our comedic relief home. And just as I ask, I receive. She and Sean sit down and have a nice chat that makes me like her even more despite the fact that she gives him a “kiss” or “imprint of her lips on paper” to keep. They are great, and I’m super behind the two of them.

Ultimately, we have nine roses, and ten girls. So that means one lonely lady will be saying good-bye this week. I cannot believe it’s just one. So rather than drag you through the ceremony like they make us, I’ll cut to the chase. It’s Amanda going home after a close call with Daniella! I am shocked. I really thought it’d be the other way around. Amanda looks like she might kill someone. I can’t say I’m sad to see her go.

Next week we are finally starting the traveling portion! Hooray! And they are bringing us episodes on both Monday AND Tuesday and promise to be FULL of romance and drama. I can’t wait. See y’all then, journeyers!

The Bachelor - Episode 3 Recap

When we last left our hero, Sean had narrowed down the gaggle of women vying for his true and everlasting love down to 16 from 19. The previews for this week show Tierra taking a dramatic fall down the stairs, so we have that to look forward to. They want us to believe it might be due to foul play, perhaps even on the part of Kacie B., and I can’t wait to see it.

Knowing exactly what we’ve all come here for, ABC dutifully starts the show with a montage of Sean doing various exercises and sweating it out on the treadmill. Sean sweats a lot, so I think he really works out that hard, that often. Good for him. I hope he puts forth that much effort into things like reading and keeping abreast of current events.

Kicking off is the first one-on-one date with Leslie M. Leslie H. the poker dealer is really disappointed that it’s the other Leslie who gets to spend quality time with Sean. As Leslie is getting ready and telling us how excited she is, I can’t help but notice once more how much she reminds me of just “that girl” from college. She is pretty, she is perky, she is actually really smart and studious, but also a bit of a wild card. Like, don’t we all know a Leslie?

“It could take our relationship to the next level, which would be a great thing,” she beams to camera. Yes, Leslie, taking your relationship from having done one photo-shoot together to an actual relationship would be a thing.

In the limo, Sean and Leslie discuss what the date card could possibly mean. It said “How long will this love last?” and that’s a little presumptuous to use the word “love” date card.

Then they pull up to the most horrifying museum on one of the most awful streets of America, the Guinness World of Records Museum on Hollywood Boulevard!!! It would be nearly impossible for me not to make a sour face upon arriving at what I presume is a very smelly (You know how some poorly kept museums smell weird?) and stupid museum.

Leslie proves she’s in politics by diplomatically saying, “Ok. This could be fun. But, like, if I could’ve picked any place, I really didn’t think we’d be coming to the Guinness World Records.”

They wander about and comment on the plastic mannequins of various world records. I can only imagine how bad that museum smells. It looks very small and very creepy, but the two manage to smile and laugh.

“It’s been fun because she is fun to interact with” is a real sentence that came out of Sean’s mouth to describe this terrible date. I am going on public record that I will volunteer my time to tutor him in use of the English language and maybe read a few books. Nothing sexy, just book-learning. Get in touch, Sean.

Well, now, hang on a sec! What’s this! Sean wants to show Leslie the reason he brought her to this toilet bowl! Set up in the middle of the museum is a poster board that production put together at Kinko’s and mounted on a tripod. He tells us the story, “Something that you need to know, is that my dad? He likes to do things a little outside the norm.” Oh boy. “He set the record for driving through the 48 contiguous states in the shortest amount of time.” So, pretty much the most boring world record you can think of. Longest amount of time sitting on a couch would be more exciting than that. But Leslie is astonished and thrilled!

And now the real fun begins because Sean takes her out to the front of the museum to a cheering crowd and Chris Harrison who tells them that they will be attempting to set the world record for longest on-screen kiss! WOOOOO! It’s three minutes, sixteen seconds and she looks very, very scared.

To make this as uncomfortable for everyone as possible, the two mount a small platform and then we painstakingly watch all three minutes and twenty seconds of their kiss. At first it’s a fine kiss, then it just drags on and on and I hope they can breathe. They are both commenting how ridiculous it is, and then finally, finally they break the record and detach lips.

What a fun, fun date and what a great story to tell the grandkids, “Oh yeah on our first date Grandpa took me to a crappy museum then forced me to kiss him for a record setting amount of time as he sucked the oxygen from my lungs, then we fell in love”.

Now for the rest of their date under the sign on the roof of the Roosevelt Hotel. Leslie talks about how much she loved growing up, and how much she loves hanging out with her family, and how much she admires the love that her parents have. It might be sincere, but it also just sounds like the list of things Sean wants to hear because that’s what he is all about.

Kacie, Robyn, Kristy, Leslie H., Desiree, Catherine, Taryn, Amanda, Lindsay, Daniela, Jackie, and Tierra are all going on the group date that says “Who’s going to win my heart?” And some of the girls are excited for an active date.

Back on the roof top, Leslie and Sean awkwardly kiss some more while holding champagne flutes! There is nowhere to put them down but they can’t just spill all over each other so they manage to kiss with champagne flutes precariously perched all about. And Sean gives her the rose. I like Leslie just fine, so I’m not sorry to see her stick around for a bit, which I think she just might.

Beach party group date!!! The girls pull up in their beachy best for a day of fun in the sun! Kristy the Ford Model is wearing more makeup than a drag queen and has a bandana around her head like 80s fitness Barbie. All the girls appear to be wearing coordinated swimwear provided by some unnamed sponsor.

Sean does push-ups with one of the girls on his back in front of all the other women.

Surprise! CHRARRISON IS HERE! A no-stakes beach party was too good to be true, so to make everything horrible Bachelor style, they’ll be split into teams and play a game of volleyball. The losing team goes home, and the winning team gets the rest of the date with Sean. They do this at about this time every season just to bring out the best and worst in the contestants.

Handily enough, the randomly selected teams are wearing matching swimsuits. Blue team: Kacie, Lindsay, Jackie, Robyn, Desiree, and Amanda. Red team: Taryn, Leslie, Kristy, Daniela, Tierra, and Catherine. Catherine hasn’t gotten much screen time, but in every frame she is smiling or jumping for joy or laughing and not in a dumb way. I think she is 100% reveling in the fun that is being a contestant on this crazy show, and I like that.

This game is “not exactly pretty” as Sean says and I can’t help but agree. Out of twelve women, not one of them played high school volleyball, and so it drags on and on and on with lots of shrieking and falling. Finally, the blue team prevails and wins their hard-earned time with Sean.

To say the girls on the red team are devastated would not nearly accurately describe the depth of their disappointment. Taryn can’t believe how much was at stake and they lost it all. Over the joyous squawking of the blue team, Sean says good-bye to the other girls.

Kristy starts sobbing and is beating herself up about letting her team down. She needs to take a deep breath. Leslie H. starts crying in the van-ride home too.

The victors are swept off to the most magical and romantic of locations: Sean’s pad. “Follow me. Welcome to my place,” he deadpans as he leads the girls to their dream date. They can’t help but gloat about how lucky they are to spend time with Sean.

Walking into the living of the mansion clad only in the bikinis they left in, the losers arrive to lick their wounds. As some more women begin to cry at their loss, Catherine just holds her face and observes them as if to say, “Omg, guys. Get over it. It’s not that big of a deal.” Preach, Cathy!

Tucked into a dark corner of the property, Lindsay professes her very deep, very quick feelings for Sean and they make out. She seems young, but she’s making up ground from her initial freak-show status.

Desiree pulls him away to another dark corner next, and she is just cute as a button. They have some actually good and natural banter that doesn’t consist of her professing her deep love for him way too soon.

The final one-on-one date card comes and Tierra picks it up. She reads off AshLee’s name…then Selma’s! What!? No! Not a two-on-one! And especially not with those two chicks that I like so much! Except wait. Just kidding. Tierra made a hi-larious little joke there. She is so funny. I’m laughing so much. The girls are about as amused by it as I am. Sarah feels me. She is over that Tierra girl.

So it’s just AshLee on the date. As a side note though, Selma looks like she isn’t wearing a stitch of makeup in this scene and is still radiantly lovely. I’m jealous but even more totally Team Selma.

Anyways, on the group date Amanda is very contrary and still really negative which makes sweet lil’ Desiree all fired up. Amanda proclaimed earlier that she is very competitive and we see that side come roaring out as she goes gunning for the rose. Desiree is not thrilled by her blunt confidence and calls Amanda “creepy”.

Meanwhile, Kacie has been keenly observing this whole ordeal, and decides that it would be to her advantage to tell Sean about their issues because she thinks he won’t put up with drama. So she pulls him aside and tells him all of this. And he basically says who cares? Kacie tries to backtrack and make it about her being confused and distracted, but he’s just over it right then and there.

Sean gives the date rose to Lindsay of all people and she is just happy as can be! A strange choice but whatever, I don’t think she’s going to be here all that long.

Now that that heinous group date is out of the way, it’s time for dear sweet AshLee to get her one-on-one time. She wants to be able to tell Sean about her past and being adopted and just have some good conversation. I like this girl already, and plus her hair is beautiful and her dress is pretty.

Then we hear a series of thuds and several shrieks and squeals. Tierra down, everybody! We have a Tierra down! A burly producer runs right to her aid, as all the other girls quickly gather to observe the scene. They let Sean just waltz into the house and call out “Good-morning!”

He tries asking Tierra questions and she is just not responding and being weird, and he thinks she has a concussion. “As a guy who’s had several concussions,” AH THERE’S THE RUB “I know we might need to get her to a hospital.”

So the ambulance is called and paramedics arrive. But Tierra no likey. As they start to put a brace on and get her strapped to a gurney she becomes quite petulant. “I’m FINE,” she wines, “I don’t wanna do this!” She sounds like a sixteen-year-old being told to clean the bathroom.

She just wants to be left alone! Waaa! She doesn’t want to do this! Waaaa! Sarah makes eye contact with an EMT and they share an eye roll. Sarah is also wearing a “support local artists” tank top, so extra plus bonus points for Sarah.

All of the girls are totally over it when they take off the neck brace and Tierra just springs back into standing position and mopes away. Least amused of all is AshLee, “I’m a smart woman. I can see through [her].” Tierra is twenty-four and seems about as mature as a recently turned twenty-one-year-old. AshLee, despite her infantile name, is thirty-two years old and has been through real sh*t. She has no patience for this. It’s date time! Get your man and go!

Sean and AshLee finally get on their way, and stop his jeep at the front gates to Six Flags! This is a date I can get behind. The park is open only for them, and a few special guests Sean has invited along to show how dear volunteering is to him. Joining them will be two chronically ill girls who met online through a charity called “Starlight Children’s Foundation” but have never met in person. So today, they get to finally meet and spend all day at the amusement park. So sweet. I love this.

Brianna is a tiny little thing with very long hair. You can see the excitement radiating off her, and then the next limo pulls up with Emily. They run to each other and gently hug with great emotion as Sean explains that they both suffer from mitochondrial disease. They both look so wee and fragile, so I hope they don’t break on the coasters.

Sean and AshLee are both very genuine and very sweet with these two girls who are totally awesome. I can’t help but wonder if they’re Nerdfighters. Anybody out there know? They ride the rides and play the games and have tons of fun. It’s a joy fest. AshLee is so touched that Sean was so thoughtful, and he is touched at how natural AshLee is making these girls comfortable.

Then there is a private concert from the Eli Young Band! For once they are not a d-list country band; they are pretty high up there. “I’ve never been to a concert!” one girl says. And they all dance as the girls sing along.

During their one-on-one time, Sean and AshLee have a natural conversation about her childhood and her adoption. She has such a calm demeanor and is so positive about everything that’s happened to her. You can see Sean’s heart growing, especially as she tells the story of really starting her life with her adoptive family. Sean tears up and sheds a few tears. I love seeing a grown man like that get teary eyed, and you can see them having a real connection and not just a Bachelor connection. This is a grounded, smart, great woman. You hold onto her, Sean! You don’t let that get away! And he makes the first step by giving her the rose!

Super creepily the band sneaks up behind them and starts playing again. So naturally they dance and share some really good kisses where Sean once again uses too much tongue. I feel like I see his tongue a lot on this show.

Then the Rose Ceremony of thievery begins. It all starts when Dez steals Sean from Tierra and the fire of Hades (or The Hades, right Daniela?) ignites behind her eyes. Tierra then immediately steals him back and then all of the other girls feel that this is what they must do for time with Sean steal him they must steal Sean but how can each person steal Sean to get the most time when everyone gets no time because of all the stealing?! HUH?? LADIES?? SLOW DOWN AND LET’S THINK.

Somewhere in there Sean pulls Sarah to the front of the house and a limo pulls up. She practically has a seizure thinking he’s sending her home, but really her French bulldog Leo hops out. This is a sweet but decidedly odd gesture for him to ship in her dog for 15 minutes of play time. Like, did it fly in? Who flew it in? How long was the dog there? What’s going on with the logistics of this dog visit!?

Anyways Chris Harrison makes me want to gouge my eyes out and cut off my little recapping fingers because we’re down to just thirteen from sixteen when Sean sends home Taryn and Kristy the Ford Model at the ceremony. He also sends Kacie home essentially for being a crazy person, which he called her to her face, but respects her too much to make her go through all the rose ceremony bullsh.

To conclude, I hope we start traveling soon to make things interesting and start sending girls home left and right. Let’s get this show on the road, people! See you next week when Tierra gets even crazier!!!

The Bachelor Recap - Episode 2

            There is no time wasted jumping into this week’s episode which purports to be filled with drama and jealousy and dumb, dumb group dates.

Sarah, the beautiful girl born with one arm, wins the very first solo date and she’s just humbly excited as the other girls humbly plan her murder. She actually seems lovely and well-adjusted, but the producers just keep making her talk about the fact that she only has one arm. It’s kind of hard to understand who she is as real, NORMAL PERSON, when all you keep making her say is ONE ARM, ONE ARM, ONE ARM, ONE ARM.

As if from on high, Sean arrives to pick up his date in, you guessed it, a helicopter. Week two, date number one, we’ve got a helicopter. This show is going to make me lose sense of the word helicopter. Sean picks up adorable Sarah and tries desperately not to reach out and grab her stump as he helps her in.

“Oh! So amazing!” he says devoid of true emotion as they sweep over the “feh” landscape of LA.

Sarah voices over, “I might seem unapproachable to you guys because I have one arm, but my ability to love someone is not affected by how many hands I have.” Please God let this be the last mention of her phantom limb.

“We are really high up, if you haven’t noticed,” Sean helpfully points out when they land on a helipad on the roof of a sky scraper. “I brought you all the way up here for a champagne toast, which is all the way down there at the bottom…We are going to free-fall three-hundred feet all the way down!”

Sarah is confused and freaked out and nervous and I’m nervous too because even thinking about heights makes my tummy sad and gurgley. But Sarah bravely trusts completely in Sean (not the cables, harnesses, etc) to guide her safely at the bottom.

I hate this. It is a horrific nightmare somewhere between sky-diving and bungee jumping. I would probably go through with it but I would be displeased at having to prove my ability to have an adult relationship by performing death defying stunts. They make it down, her shrieking the whole way and him kind of bellowing. What a f*cking well-earned glass of champagne that girl drinks down.

Sean and Sarah change into formal ware for “dinner” on what appears to be the bed of a concubine to the King of Siam. Sarah tells a really touching story about not being allowed to zip line because of her disability (ONE ARM) and that today meant a lot that Sean(the stunt company) trusted (made her sign a waiver) in her ability to do something so courageous and fun.

Sean replies by saying that he considers himself a man. Oh, Sean. Help me out here. To be fair though, he’s very affectionate in a not gross way towards her and their body language (MINUS ONE ARM) seems comfortable.

Group date card arrival! Kristie, Katie, Amanda, Brooke, Leslie M., Daniella, Catherine, Robyn, Selma, Diana, Erin, Kacie, and Tierra (barf) are going to “capture the romance”. That’s thirteen. Thirteen women on a group date. Tierra’s pissed. Tierra looks like Latina Britney Spears.

Back on the date, they discuss past relationships and why they didn’t work blah blah blah. Then they head back up the helipad of the building they jumped off for more champagne. He gives her the rose and they kiss! They are blonde and cute.

Now we’re piling into limos for the group date! Most girls are euphoric while Tierra wears her best stank face. They pull up to an insane looking Beverly Hills chateau and Sean in a purple henley. Sean tells them they’ll be doing a photo shoot for covers of Harlequin romance novels. Kristy the Ford model goes insane at the idea. And taking a strange Top Model-esque turn, the girl they decide has the most “real chemistry” with Sean will grace the covers of three different books. Like, why? Why? How is that an incentive? This is one of the dumbest group dates ever.

The girls are grouped into four categories: cowgirls, sexy glam, vampires, and historical. Cowgirls are up first and do such sexual things as embracing on bales of hay, embracing next to a horse, embracing while feed a horse an apple flat-palmed safety-ways so fingers don’t get bitten off.

Everyone already hates Tierra and feels like she’s psycho-high-maintenance-judgmental-fake. Which she may very well be. She is very aggressive and already hates having to share Sean with anyone. This is her face. THIS IS HER FACE.

Kristy the Ford model really takes the reins on her shoot and does some good, sexy modeling, I think? Mr. Jay isn’t there to tell me if she’s too posey, so I have no real idea. But he liked her energy, and she wins the contract. How lucrative.

Now it’s pool party time! Pool party in cocktail attire! Leslie M. is the first to pull Sean away based on their chemistry from the photo shoot. She seems a little young to me and Sean seems like an old soul. They like each other, but they’re kind of awkward together. She’s giggling and he wants to kiss her but won’t and I don’t know. I’m uncomfortable.

As the girls “steal Sean for a second” one by one, Leslie musters up the courage to just take action and get that kiss. Go girl! Daniella is comically upset, but she’s got some cocktails in her so girlfriend’s gonna be alright.

Sean’s favorite thing is to put his hand on a lady’s leg protectively yet affectionately. He does this with Kacie who I’m obviously rooting for because I love her and want to be her friend. They agree that they’re going to explore if they have something. Good. Please let them having something.

Catherine is vegan and makes a joke that “I’m vegan but I love the beef.” And Sean thinks it is a TERRIFIC joke. Heavens, does he give a hearty guffaw over that. It might be the first joke he's ever heard and is delighted at the idea of comedy.

Then we cut to Tierra stuffing her face as she lays herself out on a chaise lounge in a dress covered in boob-fringe. Girl.  Boob fringe is not the way to secure a husband. Selma tries to include her but she refuses. Selma is trying to be nice, but Tierra’s hungry and busy ostracizing herself.

When they talk, Sean tries to reassure Tierra about the whole “process” and about not getting hung up on girl drama. He likes her. He likes her chutzpah. Which. Gross. Why is there always one gross girl that the Bachelor is just blinded by? Every time.

Katie the yoga instructor with amazing curly hair is uncomfortable with “the process”. She talks to Sean who immediately gives her his jacket when she says she’s cold. Swoon. She decides that she needs to go because it’s not the right setting for her. Which is fine and she did it early on and did it with dignity. So he walks her out. Good for her. And good for Sean for being such a gentleman about it. The other girls are just secretly glad to have one less lady around.

It’s rose time. Kacie is GUNNING for it. If he gives it to Tierra I’ll die. But he doesn’t! He gives it to Kacie. That’s my girl! Too bad Tierra says she wants to punch Kacie B. for winning the rose.

Now Sean meets up with the almighty Chrarrison to plan a prank to pull on poor unsuspecting Desiree for her one on one date.

It’s at an art gallery, and I swear to God Chris Harrison says the word “supposably” just like Joey in that one episode of Friends. The plan is for a “supposably” priceless work of art to break and for Desiree to think it’s all her fault! Oh! What droll fun that will be! I always thought this show should be more like Punk’d!

Desiree is just thrilled to be at an art gallery filled with people. That should’ve been her first trigger because never in the history of this show has a date occurred in the presence of other humans. They pull Sean away for an interview leaving Des alone in the room with the priceless work of art priced at $1.5 million. Back in the secret viewing room, Sean begins to regret pulling this heinous prank on really sweet girl.

Then the sculpture thing falls and shatters. Des is trying to keep a game face but is panicked. The actors are being super mean and accusatory to her. She feels terrible. THIS IS THE MOST FUN IMAGINABLE ON A FIRST DATE.

Sean comes in to save the day all, “It doesn’t matter what happened. I’m gonna support you. I’m always gonna support you.” WHICH SEEMS TO BE LAYING IT ON PRETTY THICK FOR A FIRST DATE, SEAN. She looks at him like he’s crazy.

 “But tonight I don’t have to, because these are actors!” he beams. Yes there is so much to be proud of with that stunt you ass.

Since Des took the prank so well, Sean decides it’s alright if she comes back to his place for dinner and a nice date that’s not having fun at her expense. How chivalrous.

Back at his bachelor pad, they have a steak, broccoli, and wild rice dinner. To be honest, that sounds delicious and low key and fun. As they get to know each other, they perpetuate this horrible idea that only people whose parents have successful relationships know how to love and can be good life partners. I’ll fly into a rage about that later, but for now, the two of them look very cozy. They get even cozier as they take a little hot tub time. Hot tub on a first date sounds horrible to me, but everyone on this show seems to love it.  

Des gets the rose and gives a long pause after he asked to accept the rose. She says the prank was rude but then she’s is pranking HIM and accepts ahahahahahah! MORE COMEDY.

At the cocktail party there is a truly horrifying display of cocktail attire from the ladies. Lindsay the wedding dress girl wants to save some face after wearing a WEDDING DRESS and getting a little too drunk the first night in the mansion. Sean pretends to be all very amused by it. They talk about, what else, family. It’s Sean’s favorite topic, so I think she pretty much secured her rose by sharing how much she wants a family.

Back in the living room with all the ladies, Amanda is wearing a pretty yellow dress and an angry face. And, they may have edited this, but she seems to be completely unresponsive to even a direct line of questioning. Very rude and negative.

Robyn is concerned about race and whether or not Sean is attracted to “black females” which is a pretty broad statement. Like, I’m not attracted to all Japanese males just like I’m not attracted to all Venezuelan males. But still, I can see her concern, and she bravely asks him outright.

Sean answers pretty honestly and openly with much the same sentiment. “It’s the mind, and it’s the woman behind the physical appearance,” he says. He’s attracted to who he’s attracted to, and, in fact, his last girlfriend was black. So he just makes the whole point moot and they move on. Man that made my heart swell a little.

Selma tries to teach him a little Arabic. I like her even more. She teaches him to say “you are very beautiful” and she’s just a nice woman and is very, very pretty.

Sour faced Amanda perks right up as soon as Sean steals her away, much to the chagrin of all the other women who think she is rude and mean and arrogant. All they can keep saying is the age-old adage that she’s “not here for the right reasons”.

Rose ceremony time. Sean is conflicted, but here’s who is safe.

Roses from previous dates: Sarah, Kacie B., Desiree.

Roses from tonight: Ashley, Lindsey, Robyn, Jackie, Leslie M., Selma, Catherine, Kristie, Leslie H., Tierra, Taryn, Daniella, and Amanda Drama Queen.

Leaving eliminated only two ladies, Brooke and Diana. That is so many women left that I’m concerned this will be an excruciatingly long process. We have much to look forward to in the drama department next week however as Tierra becomes even more territorial which is ironic considering her name means land in Spanish (it also means Earth and dirt which are also fitting).

See you next time!

The Bachelor Recap - Episode 1

               In the immortal words of Dr. Alan Grant in Jurassic Park III, “My God…we’re back.” And so we are! Back to another season of extravagant dates, multiple Katie’s and Ashley’s, drama, romance, and of course, a journey to find true love. Sean Lowe has recovered from his heartbreak over Emily Maynard to find God’s match for him. I wish him the best of luck and that the make-up artists would for THE LOVE OF GOD shade his eyebrows in a little.

If you will so kindly recall dear readers, last go round we started these recaps after episode three of last season of the Bachelorette, so this is the first time I’ve recapped the introductions episode and boy is this exciting. Let’s jump right in!

At minute 1:12 – We get a girl who says the catchphrase of reality TV: “I didn’t come here to make best friends.” YUP. YES. SAYING THESE WORDS DEFINITELY MEANS NOT ONLY WILL YOU GO FAR, YOU WILL WIN AND NOT BE HATED BY ALL OF AMERICA. FOR SURE.

Sean talks about how crazy this all is and how he can’t believe he’s here blah blah blah I can’t hear him because it’s voiced over a montage of him exercising and I’m distracted by a) his muscles b)his splotchy redness that he gets on his arms [I’m concerned] c) is he a ginger or is he blond??? Oh no, I’m broken from my reverie by the sad Emily montage. Good thing he dodged that bullet because now he’s here! For our entertainment! Yaaaaaay!

Just in case he didn’t hammer home the point enough last season, Sean is obsessed with his family and the idea of starting his own family. He more than anything wants a house full of “love and laughter”. This guy. Alright. We get it. You are great and family oriented.

He ends his monologue with “I want to protect my woman. I want to love my woman. I want to honor her. I want to love her with everything I have, and I want to be the best man I can be for her.” Which is sweet, but also maybe let’s cut down on referring to your soul mate as “your woman” ok, Texas?

Pointlessly, Arie shows up to Sean’s bachelor pad just chat like dudes over a beer about such producer suggested topics like being dumped by the same girl, breaking up with other girls, and kissing. A weird, weird moment happens where Arie gives his kissing tips, and while I find them to be accurate and good tips, it is just a weird moment that passes. After teaching the 29-year-old grown man Sean how to properly kiss, Arie leaves. Great.

Now, let’s meet some crazies!

We get an in depth look at a selection of women which can mean any number of things. Some will be front runners, some might be villains, some might be crazies who go home the first night.

First up is Desiree, a lovely Southern belle who is a bridal consultant dreaming of the day she finds the man who will enable her to find the white dress of her dreams.

Next up is Tierra. That’s right. Her name is Tierra. Is this show self-aware enough to know what they’re doing to me by having a serious contestant named TIERRA? Apparently, because she starts off by showing us her depth. “Some people who live without love and be fine with their whole life [sic all of that mess], but I’m the opposite.” Oh really? Really, Tierra? So some people (sociopaths) can live without love and be fine (devoid of measurable human emotion), but you are the opposite (sane/ capable of empathy)? Oh, GOT IT. You are STAND OUT, among these women now. Blown away.

She literally squeals when they tell her that the Bachelor is Sean. She tells her heinous little Yorkshire terrier to get excited. I die a little.

Robyn is next, a lovely African American business woman from Houston who is learning Spanish “the romantic, sexy language” because that’s measurable. She’s fine, and I appreciate the show at least trying to be less Caucasian-specific.

Dianna is a 31-year-old hair-stylist from Utah who tells us she’s 30. She is the mother of two girls who “mean the world to her.” She is pretty and her girls are sweet. She’s a divorcee and is looking to find soul mate number two.

Here comes Sarah, an advertiser from LA who was born with one arm! She is just beautiful and very positive about life. She doesn’t feel it defines her, and is excited to find a love who can just be a partner.

Holler to Michigan! Ashley is a hairdresser from Macomb, Michigan who has a cat and NO idea why she’s still single! Then she tells us her dream man is Christian Grey from “50 Shades of Grey”, and we get some insight as to why that might be. She’s obsessed and weird about it. “Spank me!” she says to the book. Oh God.

Lesley M. lives and works in Washington DC and is “a huge advocate for the environment” whatever that exactly means nowadays in politics (at first I typed this as “hug advocate” which actually sounds like a great job that I could get behind). She is blond and pretty and looks like any pretty sorority girl you might have known and generally liked in college. She is originally from Arkansas and claims to be a “modern Southern belle”.

Kristy is a Ford model who boxes. “Girls will be jealous of me. No question,” she states. Despite being super proud of being a Ford model in New York, she wants to be known as the Wisconsin, Midwestern girl. Fine. Let’s see you put away some brats, and then we’ll talk.

Ashlee is a professional organizer who loves her perfectly organized life! Oh Em Gee! She’s sweet but holy crap seems a little neurotic. However, just as my jury is about to come in about her, she flips it around telling a truly touching story of being adopted at age six by a pastor’s family after going through six foster homes in one year. She tells us that she remembers them promising that they will tell her they love her every day, and I tear up just a smidge because, come on.

Without further adieu, it’s time for the parade of ladies to meet Sean!

Ashlee the organizer is up first. She’s wearing a nice red dress. She’s sweet.

Jackie a cosmetics consultant comes next! She puts on some red lipstick and “puts her mark on him” with a kiss on the cheek. He says “thank you very much!” and is like “Cool. What do I do now?” inside.

Selma! Selma is a beautiful, raven haired real estate developer who wipes the kiss off Sean’s cheek. I already like her. Something about her just seems beautiful, fun, and good-natured. Please don’t prove me wrong, Selms.

Leslie H. a poker dealer comes up next. She keeps telling Sean that he is handsome and a hunk and forgets to tell him her name! She’s cute but bland.

Daniella a “commercial casting associate” (that’s a thing?) comes out and teaches Sean a secret handshake that he obviously fumbles over because he’s never done it before and then they just leave it. Her hair is a hot mess.

I may have spoken too soon on the hot-mess-hair train because out next walks Kelly, a “CRUISE SHIP ENTERTAINER” with heinous extensions. She’s from Nashville and therefore finds it appropriate to sing a ridiculous song to Sean. It includes the words “love to have you home to try my mama’s sweet tea” so I’ll just let you dream up what the rest of the hellish nightmare might be like.

Katie a 27-year-old yoga instructor comes out and centers his chakras for some good chi. she is barefoot and clearly a hippie.

Ashley Shades of Grey comes out in a slinky black sequin number! “So have you read any good books lately?” she probes. “I have actually!” Sean eagerly retorts, probably expecting some intellectually stimulating conversation. She tells him she read “50 Shades of Grey” as she pulls a grey silk tie out of the bust of her dress. His face is priceless.

“I’m guessing I know the symbolism behind this?” he asks.

“Yup,” she says, “Crazy!”

“Yyuh-essss,” he croaks out. Yes, Ashley. Yes. Crazy. You are crazy. Let’s TONE IT DOWN with the bondage talk at first introductions, kay?

We meet Taryn, Catherine, Robyn who tries to do two back-flips and falls on the second one, Lacey, Paige from the Bachelor Pad whose occupation reads “Jumbotron Operator” and I cannot believe that’s a thing. All their introductions are succinct and fine and nice.

Tierra emerges and is a little ball of orange light. I hate her already, perhaps unfairly but her name is TIERRA. She tells Sean, “I wanted to show you that I have a heart on my finger, and it’s open. And I hope that you’ll be the guy to complete it.” Then he tells her to wait right there for one moment.

What’s going on? What does this mean? Her smug face is hiding her inner panic and confusion. Sean finds the honorable Chris Harrison to find out if he can bend the rules.

When he comes back out to Tierra, he gives her a rose. Right off the bat, he likes Tierra enough to give her a rose and keep her around. Sean is a rebel. A real rose rebel. Surely this will not bode well with Tierra’s favor with the other women.

The next barrage of women brings Amanda who forces them to have a weird awkward pause that is actually awkward, Keriann who drove over 2,000 miles for him, Desiree our bridal stylist in a gorgeous red dress who has Sean throw pennies into the fountain with her, and Sarah our one-armed friend who claims she always envisioned falling in love on a TV show with 24 other women, Brooke a community organizer who purrs at him like Eartha Kitt, Diana forgets her name in her haste, and finally Lesley M. who runs a football play with Sean just to catch a view of his tight behind. I like you game, girl.

Kristy the Ford model leads with the fact that she’s the best from the Midwest, and again, I must challenge her to any kind of casserole or brat eating contest. Ashley, a model from….Denver? Denver has models now, I guess. Arrives. She is slinky. Lauren’s family owns an Italian restaurant and threatens Sean’s life! Ha ha!

Oh my god. Oh no. Lindsay just got here. Lindsay is wearing a full wedding dress and veil and goes right in for a kiss on the lips that Sean desperately tries to get on his cheek. “I’ve got balls!” she quips. “I hope not,” he manages.

And that’s our 25. But wait! What’s this?! There is one more person arriving. One more woman from the Bachelor family who will vie for Sean’s attention.

It’s Kacie B.!!! Kacie B. from Ben’s season last winter who made it far, but ultimately dodged a horrible bullet. She’s back to try and win Sean’s love after developing a crush on him between seasons. I loved Kacie and really hope that this works out for her. Sean and Kacie as a couple make sense, and I hope he really gives this a shot.

The girls are suspicious of her, but not outwardly super hostile. She’s in for some drama most likely, but if she’s the Kacie we know, she’s got the guts to get through it.

Desiree is upset saying that she had her chance with Ben, so what makes her think it’ll work with Sean? Well, Des, for starters, they are two completely different men, so perhaps that might be the root of her presumptions.

Sean wants everyone to feel at ease. To break the tension, they all let out a big scream. The cocktail party of doom begins with all the women fighting for one man’s attention.

Sean talks to Kacie first, and he gallantly offers his jacket to ward off the cold. He’s shocked and surprised to see her, but she’s confident and is trying to make him see her as more than just a friend. He and I agree that it’ll take some getting used to, but we all hope it’s worth it if there’s something there. So glad we’re all on the same page, team.

As the party goes on, Sean is handing out roses left and right, throwing the women into an absolute tizzy. Every time they see a new woman walk by with a rose, they question what is going on and try to parse out the meaning behind it all. Cattiness ensues of course, as they all try to get a rose.

Eventually some bright woman figures out that he’s just giving out roses as he feels a strong connection with any woman. This seems like a good idea to me, so he has fewer names to remember at the big rose ceremony and it helps relieve some of the anxiety for the women.

Lindsay in the wedding dress is concerned that Sean may not have understood her joke and wacky sense of humor in this whole ordeal and makes a quiet plea to the gods to be “more sober” as she tries to get to know Sean.

Her pleas, it seems, go unanswered as she asks Sean to dance and tries to demand a kiss from him. He is being gracious and laughing the whole way through. They have a truly weird conversation about being traditional and her really being a good girl. He graciously shirks her off and escapes with his life.

Back to Ashley Shades of Grey being the captain of the hot mess train. She starts “sexy dancing” all over the house which just equates to her shaking her booty and making duck face.

Kacie aptly observes, “She just needs a lot of water. Water, people!” I have missed her wry wit.

Ashley is insane. And will not let go of the “Fifty Shades of Grey” thing. Sean makes a joke about a rape whistle which is actually pretty funny. She tells Sean they are going to get married. He is terrified. He has never been more scared in his life. But somehow manages to still be super charming. For being simple, he sure knows his way through an awkward conversation.

There is already a woman who can’t handle “the process”, as they refer to a “TELEVISION COMPETITION FOR LOVE” on this show. She is a weepy mess and just keeps crying because she doesn’t understand how to compete for a man.

Sarah also feels self-conscious about fighting for Sean’s attention. She’s worried what he might assume about her having one arm. Totally unrelated to her completely valid sentiment, is that they shoot her from some bizarrely terrible angle such that her face looks bloated and fat. It is not bloated and fat in the least bit. This girl is tiny, but the angle they have on her makes her look like a big old fat neck. It’s weird.

They end up talking and she addressed the elephant in the room. Sean likes her! They hit it off, and I enjoy her. I would enjoy her even if she was a real big old fat neck and not a pretend one.

I’ve noticed that the girls have all busted out their finest cross and icthus jewelry so Sean is sure to know they deeply share his faith in God. I’m weirded out by this flaunting of religion as a turn-on or a good “strategy”.

At the start of the rose ceremony, twelve women already have roses. So there are only seven roses remaining. Wait…seven? SEVEN?! That is insane. Normally they cut right to 15 people but 19?! Oh we are gonna drag this crap out, aren’t we ABC?

So to save confusion, I’ll just tell you who’s going home, as you have no idea who anyone is yet:  Italian Lauren, Lace laden Lacey, 2000 miles Kariann, Bachelor Pad Paige, Kelly the Cruise Ship Entertainer, Ashley the Denver model, and Ashley Shades of Grey.

Yes, that means Kacie B is safe, yes that means Wedding Dress is safe, and yes, Fifty Shades of Cray is going back to Michigan where she will hopefully stay and not spread her madness outside the realms of the Mitten state.

Tune in next week for more madness as Sean departs full throttle on his quest to find love! Drama, emotions, cat fights, shots of Sean’s chiseled physique, and ugly cocktail dresses all await!  See you on the other side, journeyers.