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Chuuya: If we were together every day, all day, if we slept together, if we woke up together and if we ate together what would we be?
Dazai: A master and his dog?
Chuuya:
Chuuya: NO.
Chuuya: Okay, listen... We just gotta stop hanging out with geniuses because you're gonna figure out that I'm really stupid.
Dazai: What? Don't worry about that.
Chuuya: *smiling* Hmm?
Dazai: I figured out a long time ago how stupid you are.
Chuuya: *contemplating murder*
Dazai: We're finally getting along. It's been 24 hours since the last time we fought. Isn't that great?
Chuuya: No, it isn't. We complete the missions faster when we're fighting.
Dazai: Quick then, say something annoying!
Chuuya: Osamu, I'm in love with you.
Dazai: I'm sorry, what? Since when?
Chuuya: Idk, it just happened.
Dazai: How? You think I'm annoying.
Chuuya: You are.
Dazai:
Chuuya: It's one of your most endearing qualities.
Dazai, who had a sex dream about Chuuya: Drunk ppl do tons of things they don't normally do when their sleeping, like snore and have really weird dreams.
Dazai: Like sex dreams but it doesn't even matter cause dreams don't mean anything.
Chuuya, who also had a sex dream about Dazai: You're right. They don't mean anyhting. You can have a sex dream about someone you're repulsed by irl.
Dazai: Yes, yes exactly. Thank you, Chuuya.
Dazai: You could have a sex dream about, like, me.
Chuuya: But I didn't.
Chuuya: And if I had it would be a sex nightmare cause I hate you.
Dazai: And I hate you too, thank you.
Dazai: Please don't tell anyone but I think I'm a little bit in love with Chuuya.
Atsushi, who genuinely believed the two of them had been married for the past 7 years: ???
Atsushi: Oh.
Dazai, about Chuuya: Just when you think you've hit rock bottom, you want to get fucked by a short ginger.
Ango: 🤦♂️
Odasaku: Please stop talking.
Dazai, trying to impress Chuuya: I'm great in sex. I've lost count how many times I've done it.
Chuuya:
Chuuya: Masturbation does not count as having sex.
Fyodor: You're dead for that!
Dazai: Do it...
Dazai: Pussy.
Fyodor: I will enjoy this.
Chuuya, getting in the way: Hey, Elsa!
Chuuya: Get your icy hands off my bottom, bitch!
Atsushi, trying to convince Chuuya to join the group: You know... I thought it'd be good to have someone come along who's really... strong!
Dazai: And loud!
Dazai: And grumpy!
Dazai: And short!
Dazai: And oblivious to reality!
Chuuya:
*ada!Chuuya au*
Atsushi: I can't tell whether Chuuya joining the ada was a good thing or not...
Atsushi: Because on one hand, I have much less paperwork to do, and Dazai seems much happier and more stable.
Atsushi: On the other hand-
Dazai, through the office door: Fuck yes Chuuya, there, there!
Atsushi: That.
Dazai, whispering to Chuuya's ear during a pm meeting: I'm sure that no one here has as big of a dick as you.
Chuuya: WTF?
Dazai: Sorry, I misspoke. I meant no one here is as big of a dick as you.
Chuuya:
Chuuya: Sure...
Dazai: I love you 🥰.
Chuuya: Why should I believe you? All the guys I've dated were dogs.
Dazai:
Chuuya: Well, aren't you gonna say anything?
Dazai:
Dazai: Meow...
Dazai: I want my vagina shaved ladies.
Chuuya: Then shave your vagina, Dazai.
Dazai, pulling out an engagement ring: Got it a week after we first met.
Chuuya:
Chuuya, also pulling out a ring: Got it yesterday.
Dazai: *on the phone* Hey, Chuuya~
Dazai: Do you know my blood type?
Chuuya: Of course, its AB.
Dazai: Oh, I guessed wrong. Excuse me, nurse-
Atsushi: Dazai, have you ever thought of getting married ?
Dazai: *gay panic* I'm pregnant!
ada: What?
Dazai: It's Chuuya's.
ada: WHAT?
*meanwhile in the pm*
Chuuya, feeling a disturbance in the force: He said something that will get me into trouble, I can feel it!
Dazai: Babe!
Chuuya: Don’t call me that!
Dazai: Chibi, honey, dear, love, sunshine, slug-
Chuuya: Dazai-
Dazai: Darling, hat rack, sweetheart, my God of fire-
Chuuya: Dazai no-
Dazai: Mi amore, the light of my life, my chihuahua, my doggie, my baby, angel, baby boy, baby girl-
Dazai: My petit mafia, shortie, sweetie-
Chuuya: Are you done?
Dazai: My beloved, the best executive, the anchor of my universe, the loml, my other half, my soulmate..
Chuuya:
Dazai: Ok, now I’m done.
Chuuya: Ok what did you want?
Dazai:
Dazai: Oh I forgot.
Stormbringer!Dazai: My kink is doing stupid shit and watching Chuuya speed-run the five stages of grief as he realises that he still wants to do yaoi stuff with me.
Chuuya: what the fuck are you looking at?
Dazai, on the inside: You’re so beautiful and I'm so in love with every part of you. The curve of your mouth when you laugh while you're having a good fight. How you stand leaning on your side with your hands in your pocket. The way your hair shines like the sun and how you always blush when I get too close. I’m so lucky to have you. You are the greatest person I’ve ever met and I will never regret meeting you. I would find you and love you in every lifetime.
Dazai, out loud: You got shorter.
Dazai: I am 100% straight.
Ranpo: Kunikida teaching Atsushi martial arts.
Dazai: I am 90% straight.
Yosano: Dostoevsky in the Dead Apple movie.
Dazai: I am 70% straight.
Ranpo: Sigma wearing his high heels.
Dazai: I am 50% straight.
Atsushi: The Hunting Dog that arrested you.
Dazai: I am 40% straight.
Dazai: Still straight, still doing okay.
Ranpo: Chuuya-
Dazai: I am not straight.
Dazai: Hi, I’m bi. I’m attracted to women because they are incredible and I’m attracted to men because I love making bad choices.
Chuuya: What are you doing?
Dazai, eating a cake at 3am in the bath with a knife: My best.
Chuuya: Shut up!
Dazai: Or what?
Chuuya, thinking what to say that could make Dazai shut up forever:
Chuuya: Or else I'll marry you!
Dazai: *malfunctions*
Dazai: We both look very handsome tonight!
Chuuya: You know, if you'd just said that I looked handsome, I would have said "so do you."
Dazai: No you wouldn't.
Chuuya:
Chuuya: Yeah, you're right.
Chuuya: On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your pain?
Dazai: Pi.
Chuuya: Pi?
Dazai: Low level, but never ending.
Dazai: I need a top.
Ranpo: Chuuya is in the pm, but Atsushi can go get him for you.
Dazai, blushing: I meant for this food container!
Yosano: Ok, bottom...
Dazai: Yosano, please.
Yosano: ...drawer.
Dazai: I’m in love with you.
Chuuya, scoffing: Yeah, how many others have you said that to?
Dazai: Everyone.
Chuuya: …What?
Dazai: I told everyone I’m in love with you.
Ranpo, first time meeting Dazai about Chuuya: My special abillity says there's a man in your life you're having problems with.
Dazai, angrily: That's an easy guess.
Dazai: I'm clearly an annoying person and have problems with both genders.
Ranpo: Yes, you clearly are.
Dazai: And then Chuuya walked by ignoring me like I wasn't there.
Odasaku: Does he even know you like him?
Dazai: Idk, I've been ignoring him, been mean to him. What else can I do?
Odasaku:
Ango:
Odasaku: Sounds you've tried everything.