Depressing - Blog Posts

Honestly, this is both depressing and really heartwarming. One thing I hate most about our society currently is how they convince people that their only worth is in working, and if they can't, they're useless. Like imagine thinking humans only purpose is to basically just be a fucking robot. Man, just make a fuckjng robot then! Don't give me that bullshit. (Not talking to you, btw)

Demons and monsters that torture people because they feed on human suffering are so dumb. People are suffering everywhere my guy go literally any place and take a deep whiff.

I know im supposed to love myself and be happy but god damn is it hard. There's days where i can say, "yeah i look really cute" or if i need to say something nice about myself i can say, "i have a nice smile" but there are other days where i just cant.

Im just exhausted and i can only see a fat tummy and chubby arms with no muscle and a small double chin and weird legs and a feminine smile and feminine eyes and too big hips and no facial hair and and and

I can see these things in other people and be enamored and be gaping at their beauty. Its just not okay for me to have these things. I know thats not true, but i still think it

I dont know what to do

You ever open social media and just *cry

I can’t explain one big thing that I hate

I really hate eating. I googled so many diseases but I cant explain the urge to lazy around and for hours to avoid the “responsibility” consciously.

I can work hard! I can! And sure, I need to get used to it but then…. Oh… when at that small second I feel hunger and my mind contemplated for me to stop doing EVERYTHING, just to eat, my brain sadly says BIG NONO.

I start doing nothing and when confronted i avoid it like plaque, i will put on plate, right… go to kitchen, good idea. Then I will start walking! I really have problem with consuming food, there were multiple times back then especially starting 2019…insh at covid era somewhere then, but not so long ago either, i would have extreme fasting period of months…. That happened on multiple occasions, one of them was severe. I lost lots of calories but surprisingly my body didnt feel that different. You can be surprised how long you can survive without food given you dont waste all calories and carbohydrates and glycogen most important through intense workouts.

With more dormat turgor life, you can survive even without water for quite a bit.

I definitelt did back then…. Anyway, the past is over, sometimes I fear “wow w00t wasted all his lifespan hahaahah what” but seriously on average a normal person is far more efficient than I am at efficiency in life. Sometimes its hard to put “Ive done something this grand!”

But yes i need to go fucking eat. Proving the problem……….

I don’t know why, but I find this fanart depressing for some reason.

It might be the fact that-

1. I’ve lived through a crap haircut that made me look like a potato for a freaking year (via: Jiro cutting her hair)

2. The fact that brain-dead Pickachu is just standing there not comforting her (or just doing something nice???), or

3. Cuz I’m compassionate.

Nah, definitely the first.

Genetically Predisposed To Sadness

Isn’t that just depression? But for an entire species?

in case your wondering how sane i actively am, I logged onto to google and the first thing I searched was, "How many people died today?" Over 133,000 people by the way. A bit depressing but just so you know over 283,000 births today. According to google that is.

Anyway-

series of trisha paytas quotes that vividly reflect my current emotional state

I wrote a poem because I just feel the need to try and be talented (i’m not) and it actually came out kinda depressing…Idk how to feel honestly

They say it gets better with time but I think for me it will take a lifetime

Antidépresseurs

Le problème avec les antidépresseurs, c'est qu'ils fonctionnent. En temps normal, je suis optimiste, content d'être là où je suis, et content de ne plus être là où j'étais. En temps normal, je vais bien.

Le truc, c'est qu'en temps normal, je prends des antidépresseurs, et parfois, il m'arrive d'oublier de les prendres. Et à ce moment là, je me rends compte que je n'ai pas bougé, je me replonge dans la tristesse, la dépression et le fatalisme que j'ai connu avant. La tristesse, la dépression et la fatalisme qui désormais me définissent, qui définissent qui je suis, derrière mes antidépresseurs. Et à ce moment là, tout revient. Les souvenirs tristes et pensées de mort.

Aujourd'hui, j'ai oublié de prendre mes antidépresseurs.

24 mai 2016

Dites pas que j'ai rien foutu

"-J'ai l'impression que vous n'avez pas foutu grand-chose pour vos études.

-Moi, pour mes études, j'ai déménagé.

-Quoi ?

-Oui, moi, pour mes études, j'ai déménagé. Je suis allé à Orléans pour faire un classe prepa. D'ailleurs, j'y ai rencontré une fille, qui est devenue ma petite amie, la seule que j'ai jamais eu. Après, elle est morte, subitement. Avec ça, j'ai perdu le sommeil, l'appétit, l'envie de vivre, plusieurs fois. Du coup, j'ai redemenagé, ici, pour essayer de tourner la page. C'etait compliqué, alors j'ai essayé de faire comme si elle était encore là, comme si je la voyais encore et comme si je pouvais la serrer dans mes bras, tard le soir. Ça n'a pas marché alors j'ai redoublé mon année pour pouvoir réessayer et continuer. Pour pouvoir me dire que le plus dur était derrière moi et que je revenais de loin.

J'ai échoué, mais ne dites pas que j'ai rien foutu. Parce que c'est pas vrai."

29 mai 2016

I remember...

...the time I sat in my class. The topic of our conversation was our future, jobs, etc. Suddenly I was asked by my teacher if I had a goal for the future. I just said yes, because I didn’t want to say anything irrelevant to those people. But on the inside this question broke like the last holding piece of a war I had going on inside myself. Constantly asking myself whether it’s even worth living, since I had no ambitions, goals or dreams. I spent the rest of the lesson sitting in my seat, head lowered and tears in my eyes.

A few months later and I dropped out of highschool, because my depression wasn‘t going easy on me and my parents still didn‘t wanna acknowledge that I was suffering a lot. It’s been 4 years since I’ve started distancing myself from everyone and everything and they still view it as a joke. I was in a mental hospital for over a month (which is not a lot, but I acted as normal a possible,,cuz a) that’s how I act in public with other people,, b) that’s how I felt like I had to act or else I would get punished and forced to continue my das as THEY want me to and c) as long as you smile they were satisfied and I could leave as fast as possible). Times and times did I tell them that I want to die (don’t worry I’m not suicidal, rather just absolutely exhausted of the stupidity from others and of existing) but they started saying stuff like “you should be more positive”, “you don’t feel this way”, “god put you here for a reason”. I mean how many times do I have to say it. There are a lot of depressive people suffering, because they can’t open up to anyone, but I suffer because I did and it doesn’t bring me nowhere. That’s life I guess. You’re just being somewhat of a good person and this is what I get in return. Tell me did I really do something this awful to deserve all of this? I really hate this.

Being told that you’re depression is just for attention is painful.

I had my father get sick when I was 22. And I was poor, alright. And my father had an ulcer, and it exploded and you know all these toxins get in your blood. And basically, my father died, whatever, 50 days after his ulcer. So I had a father get sick while I was poor. My mother got sick when I was rich. And my mother, you know… I don’t really want to get into it, but my mother was sicker than my father. And my mother’s alive. My mother’s fine, OK? I remember going to the hospital to see my mother and wondering, ‘Was I in the right place?’ Like, this was a hotel. Like it had a concierge, man. People don’t… if the average person really knew the discrepancy in the health care system, there’d be riots in the streets, OK? They would burn this motherfucker down!”

Chris Rock [video]

Bringing this back, because some people don’t seem to understand that there is a discrepancy in the quality of care among poor, middle-class, and wealthy people, NO MATTER HOW DEBILITATING THEIR RESPECTIVE DISEASES MAY BE.

(via cgdageek)

Forever reblog. 

(via missgingerlee)

I don’t want to, trust me, but I’ll be damned if they think of me as a fool.

“I’m going to have to give you up. And it’s the last thing I want to do.”

— but if I don’t let go now, I won’t make it

Sick [Vent]

Caught in a sickness cycle

Heya everybody, Kitty here! With a vent animatic?? Crazy I know. I've just been super burned out lately and have had one too many trips to the doctor for medication. On top of that I also got a fever and I just had to express my feelings. I could write something long on it, but it's pretty obvious what it's about so uhh, yeah.

Watch on YT: https://youtu.be/oG0yCd8MZJs

Thumbnail ^^

And the art png :0

So this is my song Rain. Hopefully it’ll be on my next album. Let me know what you think.

P.S. The guitar I usually play it on has much better tone.

I'm afraid of the darkness.