Fresh Start - Blog Posts

I want to announce to everyone; friends, family, followers, and strangers that I will be remodeling everything. I made this account on a whim see a bunch of post in many fandoms. It was only later when I started to post art that’s not even good anymore. I wanted to wipe almost all of it and make a clean slate for my art and my identity. I wanted to make it clear that this is all my choice and it’s for myself.

When I started to open up to people on the internet I was finding myself. I was 18 and in college when I started to come out of my shell on wattpad, where I met my first friends who became family to me and stuck around through thick and thin. I had a lot of dark moments and had a toxic friendship that ruined my confidence in my ideas and creativity. It might’ve been the worst years of my life because I trusted someone so easily. I was really naive and believed I wasn’t good enough. I had a couple of other toxic friendships that just gave me a lot is stress that I had to cut them out of my life. Then there was a year when I had no motivation to draw anything because a discord server I was in made me believe I wasn’t good enough.

I have gotten back to drawing but hadn’t shared any of them mainly because I forgot and I was busy with work. But after finding myself I wanted to get back to sharing my art here with the new me. While I had “abandoned” tumblr I was working on bettering my character design, art style, and story telling. Back then I was just absorbing ideas from other artists that would sometimes clash and turn into a jumble mess. And looking back it didn’t look good.

As for myself I wanted to express myself better when I was happier and safer. On top of finding what I like there was also another issue regarding my old sona “Dovey”. Back when I first design it I was just playing around with a old Tokyo Mew Mew character design flash game on deviant, I don’t think it’s around anymore since flash games have gone extinct. But I was messing around and thought it looked good as a base, this was back when I was in high school and didn’t have any friends to get feedback on. Then I saw playthrough of Until Dawn and thought it would be cool if my sona was a [redacted] since I am part Native American. But then years later I was told it was offensive and I couldn’t keep it anymore. I was upset at first because it my sona for years, but I was able to come up with a new sona for myself and worked on it.

Then some personal things happen that lead to me moving to another state. After settling in it gave me the idea to start over here and make a fresh start. I really needed this to separate from my past when I didn’t had a chance to express myself or be a individual. When I was afraid that no one will like my ideas or believe my art wasn’t good enough. My confidence still isn’t great but I am working on it.

So now with a new face, name, and fresh new ideas this account will be under construction. I can’t say for sure when it will be finished with me having to work but this is what I want for my account.

What am I hoping to post?

My art such as character designs and hopefully comics. I am in the Zoophobia fandom but I have concept ideas for a original series. I don’t want to share too much but my original series is going to be wholesome.

That’s all I have for today and I hope you’ll be looking forward to the remodeling.

A fresh start(ish).

I realized the other day just how little I post here on Tumblr. I started out with a lot of inspiration and tons of things I wanted to do… but then things kind of tapered off for various reasons, and that’s pretty discouraging when I think about it.

But now, I’m going to try really hard to change that! While I can’t make any promises due to life’s uncertainties, from now on I’m going to try to do more than simply exist here on the site and start boosting my activity. Be it posting art, writing or even reblogging, I’m going to try to liven up my tiny patch of Tumblr once again.

I’m not really sure how many of my followers would care or even take much notice to this post. But for the those that do, well I’m glad you stick around, and now you know what I’m planning on.

Also, I doodled my cat, Berry.

New Face

There's this new face I see in mirror

It has no more tiers or fears in the eyes

No more frown that made me drown

There's a new face in town

Who's could it be

If I looked in the mirror to see

There is a change in me

There is now sun in my eyes that shine

I'm doing just fine

This is a new sign

A new start

There is no more broken heart

It is filled

All my worries have been killed

brisa 🍃

First post on my new acc with some spooky season drawings :]

•.・☆.・❥・.✭.・♡꙳𓂂•.

“It is a serious thing – just to be alive – on this fresh morning – in this broken world.” ・꙳𓂂✦𓂃・•.

— Mary Oliver

Freedom, חופש, Vrijheid

While libraries should be for everyone, not everyone will be able to use them the same way. Some will use them for tutoring, others for book clubs, some for research and other for light novels readings among other uses. Here are BLANK libraries that are working with those different needs (1)

Multiple studies recently released indicated a difference in male and female brains; (2) while not specifically divided by gender, the Tromsø Library has set different temperatures on different floors allowing those who operate best or have different comfort levels for reading or needed for their focus to all use the library together at the same time. Separately, the Biblo Tøyen, is selective in it’s audience. Only open for residents ages 10-15.

While not limiting patron wise, the Levinksi Garden Library operates with a specific function and purpose, as a haven. Open 24/7 this library has no closed off structure (no walls or doors) and operates as an encouraging, open space to receive refugees and migrants in Israel. (3)

Throughout the world, many countries also have libraries specifically for prisoners as they are held within prisons. Libraries in prisons however are not universal but some countries that also provide more equality and freedom to prisoners while serving their time have libraries and librarians focused on goals for the inmates after they are released and have seen less recidivism back into the criminal justice system (as defendants).

 (1)    https://www.visitnorway.com/things-to-do/art-culture/literature/6-libraries-you-need-to-visit/

(2)    https://time.com/5592353/office-temperature-study/

(3)    https://litreactor.com/columns/the-10-most-unusual-libraries-in-the-world

The Tragic Cycle of Wired Headphones: A Self-Reflection

You know that moment when you buy a fresh pair of wired headphones and make a silent promise to yourself? This time will be different. This time, you won’t shove them into your bag like some kind of deranged squirrel hoarding acorns. You won’t yank them out of your phone like you’re trying to start a lawnmower. You will treat them with care, with respect.

And yet.

Somehow.

Here you are. Again. Another pair, dead. The left earbud? Gone. The right one? Hanging on for dear life, whispering faintly, like it’s calling out from the afterlife. You stare at it, baffled. How? HOW did this happen? You were careful. You learned from the last five pairs. Didn’t you?

No. You didn’t.

Because the truth is, you’ve said this every time. Every. Single. Time. Your history is littered with the ghosts of headphones past—frayed wires, sound cutting in and out like a broken radio transmission, rubber casings peeling back to reveal the fragile, suffering wires inside. You think about how they got here. The careless wrapping around your phone. The times you let them dangle from your pocket like an afterthought. The fact that, at least once, you definitely fell asleep with them still tangled around you like a techno-umbilical cord.

And this—this isn’t just about headphones. No. This is about you. About your patterns. Your delusions. The fact that you keep repeating the same mistakes and expecting a different outcome.

Isn’t that the definition of insanity?

Maybe it’s a metaphor. Maybe your headphones die because you don’t handle delicate things well—physical or emotional. Maybe you ignore problems until they break. Maybe you see the warning signs—the faint crackle in the audio, the slightly exposed wire—and you pretend everything’s fine. It’s fine. It’s FINE. Until one day, it isn’t.

Or maybe, hear me out, wired headphones are simply not meant to last. Maybe they are built to self-destruct, to betray us, to force us into this never-ending cycle of grief and rebirth. Maybe we are all just victims of a larger force—planned obsolescence, capitalism, the cruel inevitability of entropy.

Or maybe, just maybe… I need to stop buying $3 gas station headphones and expecting them to last a lifetime.

Anyway. If you see me buying another pair tomorrow, no you didn’t.

I (edit: recently viewed a video indicating that some people may not recognize what an em dash is, and that using it could lead to assumptions of AI usage. I would like to clarify that I do not utilize AI; I merely use an em dash when it is suitable for its intended purpose.)

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Today in two words: Chess, Lucifer

White wins (I bullshited every move)

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Watching Newtopia as I type this, I know I won't finish ep1 cause I'm already suffering Lucifer withdrawals (I'm alr in szn4)

Need. More. Lucifer.

030325 (something about the date makes me happy

Alright guys, no more entries unless my day is interesting. People seem to like lists or writings or advice. I mean I used to post that type of content and got a lot of engagement, meaning I was actually adding value to someone's life, which is what I truly intend.

Besides, this decision isn't so bad, to be honest. Today wasn't fruitful; I spent the day in bed to the point that I became uncomfortable lying down, as if all my blood was pooling down. I even fasted until 5 PM. The most productive thing I've done today was my Italian lessons. 👍

And that's OK, I can always have another day to start over. :)

And yes I binged Lucifer, yes I had to bring him up again.

020325

First of all, and most importantly :

Alright then friend 👏

I saw other's march resolutions and added them to mine!

1. Find my thing –

Maybe it’s calligraphy, maybe it’s journaling with my bougie burgundy ink, maybe it’s playing chess in random places like a movie character… IDK, but I wanna start doing one of these consistently.

2. Upgrade my self-care, but in an “I barely tried” way –

Dry brushing before showers? Adding a lil’ dusting powder to my routine? Romanticizing my nail care? Just small tweaks to feel ✨ put together ✨ without effort.

3. Make my breakfasts pretty –

No more sad meals. Oat bowls, chia pudding, cute little clean girl plates; I deserve to wake up to aesthetic nourishment

4. Be mysterious in public –

Take a book or notebook to a café, maybe even write something cryptic. No phone scrolling, just pure main character energy.

5. Actually post on my website or YouTube at least ONCE –

No pressure, no perfectionism, just one thing to keep the creative flow going. I've already posted on my secret YouTube channel in both January and February; hopefully, I won't forget this month. However, the website...

6. Own ONE beautiful pen & make it my entire personality –

Maybe it’s a fountain pen, maybe it’s deep burgundy ink, but it has to feel

✨ significant ✨.

7. Find my signature scent & commit to it -

No more being indecisive. One perfume, one body oil, one dusting powder, I want people to associate a scent with me.

8. Buy ONE cool nostalgic gadget –

A flip phone, a Walkman, a Gameboy; something that makes me feel like I exist in my own timeline. I'll start with a flip phone but the ones I desire aren't available in my country 💔.

9. Get into a “smart girl” activity –

Sudoku, crossword puzzles, chess, calligraphy, collecting physical newspapers… something that makes me feel like an intellectual femme fatale. And no, it's not because the TikTok girls are yelling at me to be a 'smart girl'; I'm just genuinely tired of seeing myself like this. I want to be smarter, back to the old me.

10. Romanticize my grocery shopping –

Only buying food that fits the vision:

fresh bread, fancy butter, crunchy greens, avocados, dark chocolate, fancy salt (I’m eating like a Parisian poet.)

11. Be That Girl™ at the library –

Engage with specialized literature, take notes in the margins, and perhaps leave a tasteful anonymous note in a book for another reader to discover. 🤭 (I may be somewhat out of touch with reality).

12. Curate a tiny aesthetic corner in my room-

It could be a pretty tray with perfumes, a quick arts setup, or a candle-lit nightstand with my current reads. Just something that feels intentionally like me. Oh, I think a cute workout corner would be so me and motivational.

13. Get better at money but make it cute –

Set up a cash binder or start saving for one special thing (a new piercing, a luxury tea set, a really good pen? Who knows, most likely a piercing).

14. Wear something intentionally beautiful, even at home –

Silk pajamas? An old-money bathrobe? A delicate lace top? The standard for me is romanticized comfort.

15. Leave my house looking effortlessly elegant at least ONCE a week –

No more 'I just threw this on' when I actually just threw something on; a planned, unbothered but stunning outfit.

16. Sit outside for 10 minutes a day & just exist –

I am choosing to observe life without distractions, romanticizing the gentle wind, and letting others speculate about my thoughts.

17. Write one poetic sentence every day –

It could be in my journal, on my website, in the Notes app, or even just a phrase I think to myself.

18. Become an enigma (my friend's favourite word) –

Less talking, more observing. Text like I've got a secret. Smile like I know something they don't. Mwhehehe x.

Motto of my March:

Live at a leisurely pace while being attentive; we all share this beautiful earth and the same 24 hours, no more, no less.

010325

I feel like March is Orange, he is giving orange idk why, it fits the handsome lad very much. Yes March is a boy... No further queries...

Woke up... Late - sink routine - skipped stretch again... - had only black coffee and one toast as breakkie - read a classic - listen to substack - OH EM GEE I FORGOT TO TAKE A PIC OF MY LUNCH : FRIED SWEET POTATO, TRUST ME😌👌- the scroll of doom - thought of march resolutions; will share tomorrow - played LADS - made whipped coffee - touched some grass, coz my phone was dying and there was no electricity/WiFi - made dalgona for funsies - simped over older men - watch Lucifer - shower - dinner + Luci - now bed time + more Luci.

Also look at this tweet of mine that NOBODY liked. Furthermore, my friend is fed up of me 💔

What's wrong with liking Hannibal, Dr. House, and Lucifer? Clearly, I have a type 🙄.

open.substack.com

Let it Be Ugly

so you can access the precious side.

0280225

Woke up - sink routine - skipped stretch - breakie was delicious 😫 #frenchtoast - admired my artworks - watched Lucifer a bit too immersed - had crazy art block - 'played' against a 5-year-old in chess (bless her heart lol) - late lunch + hibiscus tea - listen to substack - read classic - take fat nap - dinner - shower - didn't finish ep2 of hannibal so will do it tonight aka rn.

open.substack.com

The Digital Camera Will Not Save You: Self-Surveillance, Camp-pensation, and The Internalized Voyeur

things i notice partying 5 days a week, reflections on newfound attraction to men (and how yall got me fucked up)

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Woke up (duh) - sink routine - stretched - breakie (forgot to take a pic) - grocery shopping - watched ep1 of hannibal - took a fat nap coz of pain meds - rearranged my entire closet - late lunch + rotten mango podcast - made those hairclips out of boredom - doulingo lesson - shower - stretch - winding down by continuing hannibal.

Highlight of my day: mini magnetic chess set! And the hairclips :D

Remember the post I made about the importance of having a chess game on the go? Yeah I got one with the shopping!!! I'm so excited to have spontaneous games with anyone, also the practice will keep me off the brain numbing dopamine factory that is tiktok. Maybe I'm romanticizing this whole chess thing too much, but I feel like my frontal lobe is developing pretty fast rn.

The hairclips, well, they will be a great accessory on my wigs, they're so me :)

This song has been on my mind the entire day. I think it's because of the 'you run like a girl' trend, it breaks me every single time.:

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Wake up - stretch - sink routine - breakie - sketch - bedrot from cramps - skip lunch - binge Lucifer - have broccoli+sweet potato for snack - listen to Nissan Altima by Doechii and Flu by IVE on repeat - drink 3 cups of green tea while watching more Lucifer - dinner - shower - stretch - wind down by listening to IVE empathy album - gonna play LADS rn :)

9/10 day

All pics are mine, so consider this a collage of my day

Who am I kidding, I also enjoyed

your blog is so pretty and interesting! I'm thinking about keeping a digital diary like you

So You Want to Start a Digital Diary? 📖✨

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First off

THANK YOU xx for the sweet words about my blog! I’m just out here oversharing my chaos, but if it inspires you to document your own adventures? Hell yeah. If you don’t know where to start, here’s a massive list of ideas to help you dive in. You can always add a twist to yours!

DAILY LIFE & REFLECTIONS

One-Line-a-Day – Summarize your day in a single sentence.

Small things – That perfect cup of coffee, catching the bus on time, wearing an outfit that slayed.

Mood & Weather Logs – Track how the sky and your emotions shift over time.

Apparently there is an app called sunset and it uses your location to help you know exactly when the sun is setting on your end and reminds you to take a pic- it's like bereal for sunsets

Overheard Quotes – Funny, weird, or oddly profound things strangers say.

CREATIVE CORNER

Playlist Diaries – Make a monthly playlist and write why each song matters.

Doodle/Art Dumps – Draw your emotions, even if it’s just stick figures.

Poetry Prompts – Write a haiku about your socks. Or if you're a hard whiskey/gin girly then try capitalism as a topic

Idk much about alcohol so idek what I'm saying

Fandom Rants – Scream about your latest hyperfixation.

My currents: Tom Ellis (as Luci ofc), Mads Mikkelsen and Caleb (yes this is about LADS) and Me ( that's irrelevant, but I love me)

PERSONAL GROWTH & SELF-DISCOVERY

Letters to Future You – “Hey, 40-year-old me, did we ever figure out taxes?”

I do something similar but physical, I go and buy a really good looking card with renaissance art on the front and write about my month on there and keep it for my future self, I was planning on doing weekly letters to have 52 at the end but... Yknow.... Procrastination.

Gratitude Jar – List 3 tiny things you’re thankful for daily.

From me today: my hot water bottle, sunbathing, my pile of clothes in the corner of my room (coz many don't have the privilege I overlook)

Fear Log – Write down a fear andburn it (digitally, don't set your laptop on fire plz), then reflect on how it changes over time.

Bad Advice Column – Answer your own problems horribly. “Stressed? Eat the syllabus.”

WORLD OBSERVATIONS

Photo Challenges – Capture “something blue,” “something broken,” “something beautiful.”

Hot Takes & Reviews – “Ranking every subway station mural” or “Why do we say ‘bless you’ to sneezes?”

Book/Movie Rants – Write reviews like you’re texting a friend. “This plot twist? Jail.”

You already know how I feel about Lucifer (Netflix), I'm feral for him #lucifan✊😌

UNEXPECTED TWISTS & RANDOM STUFF

Dream Journal – That one where you married a sentient waffle? Yeah, write that down.

Thrift Store Finds – The uglier, the better. Invent their backstories.

Food Diaries – Review gas station snacks. Debate pineapple on pizza.

I need to see someone do this plz

Soundtrack of Your Life – What song plays when you’re sprinting to catch the bus?

Mine have always been :

TIPS:

Embrace the cringe!!! your diary, your rules.

Why are you expecting tips from me — you already I don't care and I've been oversharing, and that's how I want it to be.

Now go forth and overshare! (And if you start one, tag me—I’d love to cheer you on! 🥳)

I cannot believe this

GOOGLE ADDED 110 LANGUAGES TO GOOGLE TRANSLATE AND MY MOTHER TONGUE IS THERE, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS IS FREAKING AWESOME IM CRYING IM SO HAPPY AHHHH

240225

Lucifer 😩, not so painful cramps, hot water bottle, ices coffee, green tea, Luci, folded laundry, oh did I mention Lucifer? Lucifer😽

7/10 day but feeling like a 10/10

230225

I did my laundry today 😊

Surprisingly made me feel good, consider this a thing to add to your to-do list if you haven't already.

Also I'm not privileged enough to have a washing machine at my disposal and I've got to wash everything by Hand for 2.5hrs, so saying laundry was a feel-good activity isn't a light praise.

However, I had some bad cramps, I've been cramping since last night and I think I'll get my period tomorrow and it might hurt so bad I will get hallucinations like last time (tmi I know, sorry)

Apart from laundry, I did breakfast today, ran some errands, and well, survived the day.

There is no WiFi rn, apparently all routers of the same network provider (which is basically half the country) are experiencing difficulties atm, hopefully they'll fix it tomorrow.

I've been binging Lucifer (Netflix) and mannnnnn, I love that series so much it might be my fav, it's so funny and silly and intriguing. I'm particularly drawn to Lucifer himself, the actor (Tom Ellis 😽🫶🏾) played the role so well I was annoyed yet pulled in by his arrogance and cocky manner. Well let's not even begin with his handsome face 😼🙂‍↕️ mmmhhmmm🫦 (sorry, guys that's the hormones speaking)

7/10 day, oki bye

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OK so I lied... I didn't learn new html magic, I was itching to download substack so I did, and omg why did no one tell me about that app 😃?!!!??!!!

Substack is the app I'd be (I wish 🌚)

I've been listening to all those sick essays and writings and poems and I'm so utterly in love with every one's mind and articulation Urgh.

Anyways it's 9:40 rn, I'm gonna do my doulingo lesson then get on with fixing my website, maybe I'll share the updates soon with yall; I use neocities 😼, but the website I'm working on is for my alter ego but I'll make another for my main so dw)

Here's a cat I met recently, I told her pspsps 😻

9/10 day :p

OK so here's some of my works 😛

(edit: why does tblr blur the preview urghhhh, plz plz plz, click on the image to see the best quality)

The one I finished yesterday (that's not poop guys, it's a raisin swirl Danish pastry💔)

More from my sketchbook:

1 and 2 are just glimpses of what I look like, I think the second one is more accurate 😼

This is my fav lol^

Then the big guys:

The first one is a self portrait for the prompt escape which was for my Year 11 art finals, I got a B 😄 (they snubbed me 😒, but I didn't have the best art teachers, so I'm self-taught. I felt overwhelmed when I piled the components; I did everything by myself, so I don't mind, and I'm proud of my grade)

Click all to view on full plz🙏

As you can tell I enjoy drawing faces, and not painting them/using colors on them. I would go to the Mars before that happens (I'm afraid of color on faces 💔)

Me and graphite are attached on the hip (I like being able to erase mistakes 😓)

OK bye

@2456788sworld since you asked teehee

210225

WIFI GOT PAID MWHWHHAHHAHA TIME TO LEARN CODE 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

10/10 day

I was sleepy while drawing this, tell me if you wanna see my actual art— the real deal [confident]

200225

Day 3 no WiFi, been using my data sparsely kill me rn💔I just wanna go and watch YT coding tutorials for hours don't do this to me 💔

Look at my lunch tho 🥲

7/10 day, pay for the WiFi plzzzz💔😭

190225

Entry +extra!!!

Nothing remarkable happened today. I went to town, hoping to find one of those portable mini magnetic chess sets—something small enough to keep in my bag, ready to unfold on a round café table for a spontaneous game with a stranger. But that idea remained a daydream.

On a serious note, I really need to get back into chess and other brain-stimulating games. Speaking of which—guess what? I solved a Sudoku puzzle today! It reminded me of my pre-smartphone days when I was a teenager obsessed with listening to the radio on my button phone (no, I’m not joking), hoarding newspapers just to cut out the comic strips, check my horoscope, and tackle the puzzle section. I was a genius back then. We love the fast-paced internet, don’t we? :D

Why Chess Should Be as Essential as Your Phone

Think about it! How often do you reach for your phone in moments of boredom, waiting, or awkward silence? Now imagine if, instead of scrolling, you pulled out a mini chess set and invited someone to play. The game becomes a conversation starter, a test of wit, and a window into the way another person thinks. You could be sitting across from a stranger, a friend, or even an elder with decades of experience, and through the game, you'd share a dialogue that goes beyond words.

Chess isn't just a pastime, it’s a tool for patience, strategy, and creativity. It sharpens your ability to plan ahead, recognize patterns, and make calculated decisions, skills that translate into everyday life. It’s like strength training for your brain, keeping your mind flexible and engaged.

We often talk about the lost art of deep conversation, but chess naturally invites it. A single match could lead to discussions about life, philosophy, history, or just casual banter. It breaks down social barriers and brings people together in a way that mindless scrolling never could. So why not make chess as essential as your phone? The connections, the stories, the lessons. It’s all there, waiting on the board.

180225

There’s no WiFi at the moment, so I’m using mobile data. I didn’t do much today—just ate more dates, got my hair done (cornrows this time!), read a little, and did some drawing. A solid 9/10 kind of day; nothing can ever be truly perfect.

Here’s the playlist for today, and honestly, I have no idea why no one is talking about Tie a Cherry by CL. It’s incredible.

It's not the best curated playlist but it's just songs stuck in my head.

OK bye.

170225

I missed 3days so I'll post the loser playlist tomorrow 😔

I'm eating dates rn tho, yum.

9/10 day, tomorrow I'm gonna try and draw something

I did these today will delete later (graphic design is my passion 😼):

I have a 3rd even better pic but it's kinda suggestive, features me, and isn't the vibe of my blog :p

150225

Chill day ngl, made this yummy broccoli and carrot soup for my sick cousin and took a small boul of it and it was delishhh in the most simplest way

Mundane day I had, daydreaming about baking, oh yesterday went wrong so I'm glad I had nothing to even think about today lol

8/10, couldve done something more productive but come onnnnn, it's a Saturday. Maybe tomorrow I'll take out my nasty old braids ✌🏾.

130225

Day b4 vals, no gf or bf 💔

Today I simply existed and did things I wanted to quit but alas, here I am thinking about them again

Here what I make for brekkie today tho.

what was it all for? 110225

I had a conversation with my aunt today. University came up. And for the first time in years, she said, “You should do what you love. I don’t want you to do something just because other people tell you to. It’s your life.”

And I just sat there. Because what the fuck?

Where was this energy when you told me art is just a hobby? When you told me I had to do architecture because money? When I spent years convincing myself that the thing I loved most in this world wasn’t real enough, wasn’t valuable enough to be my future?

Where was this when I forced myself through physics and math, subjects that drained me, killed my confidence, made me feel stupid and small? Where was this when I spent night after night feeling like a failure because I couldn’t mold myself into what you wanted?

And now, after all that, you’re suddenly saying, “Yeah, do what you love.” Like I didn’t just lose years of my life trying to be something I’m not. Like I didn’t break myself over and over again trying to meet your expectations.

And the worst part? I don’t even think she realizes how much this is fucking me up. How much I hate that she can just say that now, like it’s easy, like it doesn’t matter that I wasted years of my life because I thought I had no choice.

It’s like someone keeping you in a cage your whole life, telling you there’s no way out, telling you it’s for your own good. And then one day, they just open the door and go, “Oh, you can leave if you want.” And you’re standing there, shaking, realizing you could’ve walked out a long time ago.

And now I’m supposed to feel grateful? Relieved?

I don’t. I feel angry. I feel lost. I feel like I want to cry and scream and tear my own skin off because what was it all for?

I could’ve taken art in Year 12. I could’ve gotten A*s. I could’ve been confident in my skills instead of scrambling to prove to myself that I’m not a fucking idiot. I could’ve spent those years thriving instead of suffering.

But no. I had to do physics. I had to do math. I had to sit in classrooms where nothing made sense and watch my grades drop and feel like I was slowly disappearing.

And now you tell me it’s okay, I can do art? NOW?

And what if I do? What if I actually go ahead with it? Is she secretly going to sit there thinking, damn, she should’ve done architecture? Will she be supportive on the surface but secretly waiting for me to fail? To regret it?

Because that’s the thing with African guardians. You never really know what they’re thinking. They’ll say one thing but mean something else. They’ll act like they support you, but in their head, they’re already preparing for the “I told you so.”

And maybe that’s what scares me the most. That no matter what I do, I’ll always feel like I’m on the verge of disappointing them.

I hate this. I hate that I even have to feel this way. I hate that the thing that makes me happiest in the world is the thing that feels like the biggest risk. I hate that I’m still here, questioning myself, wondering if I’m making a mistake just because they made me believe it was one for so long.

And I can’t help but think… if I had been allowed to just be myself from the start, if I had been supported instead of redirected, maybe none of this would even be a question.

apologise for the vent, for souring your scroll, but I feel like I'm at my limit, this has tangled up my brain, and as scary as it sounds I feel hopeless, pointless, I don't fucking know, I don't want to think any more. Fuck.