Dive into a world of creativity!
kunikida : we need to clean this place up
ataushi : okay!! i’ll get a bucket n a mop
dazai & ranpo : das a wap
Things that Dazai is Officially Not Allowed to Do at Meetings, a By No Means Comprehensive List Assembled Over the Course of Several Months - by Kunikida
1. Refer to the collective members of the Armed Detective Agency as “Fukuzawa and the Fukuzawettes”.
2. Attempt to chime in to discussions by quoting the battle speech from Braveheart.
3. …Or any other, completely unrelated scenes from Braveheart.
4. Underscore anyone’s speeches by shouting “Amen!”, “Can I get a witness?”, or “Cowabunga!”
5. Underscore anyone’s speeches by waving one of those giant foam fingers from sporting events.
6. Underscore anyone’s speeches by playing dramatic music in the background.
7. Okay, who the hell gave Dazai a kazoo?
8. Giggle every time someone uses the word “duty.” Seriously, are you five?
9. Make a series of straight-faced, somber-sounding comments designed to include the word “duty” as many times as possible.
9a. [Amended, after the giggling proves contagious.] Okay, now nobody is allowed to say “duty”, are you happy?
9b. I wasn’t laughing, I was coughing, and anyway, that’s not- look, can we move on?
10. Anything involving sock puppets, for any reason.
11. For the purposes of 10, “sock puppets” also includes puppets not made of socks.
12. Okay, who the hell gave Dazai his kazoo back?
Chuuya, completely shit-faced: “Love is cheap.... but this booze is cheaper”
Akutagawa, staring at the bottle, concerned: ....This is just vinegar..
Dazai: I think this outfit makes me look older :D
Kyouka: But you're already old.
Dazai: EXCUSE ME, WHAT?
Chuuya: When I have a crush I don't kick my feet or twirl my hair. Chuuya: Instead I am in my kitchen at 3am pacing in circles with my hands clasped behind my back like a middle-aged divorced detective haunted by a cold case he just can't crack.
Dazai, walking up to look at a dead body: Okay, first of all, big mood.
Fukuzawa: And, as always, here's your weekly reminder that therapy and other psychiatric services are covered by the ada healthcare plan.
Dazai:
Dazai, whispering to Kunikida: Why does he always look at me when he says that?
Dazai: Kunikida and I get along perfectly. Don't we, Kunikida?
Kunikida: I have never been so stressed in my entire life.
Atsushi, seeing the cops marching past:
Atsushi, who has done nothing wrong ever: They're coming for me.
Dazai, currently wanted for 138 murders, 312 cases of extortion, and 625 cases of fraud, along with various and sundry other crimes: Yeah, probably.
Kunikida: Why is Dazai late, again?
Atsushi, writing Dazai's report: He said he's going through an existential crisis and won't get up of his futon cause he doesn't know what's real anymore. 😅
Kunikida: 😡
*singer!Chuuya au*
Interviewer: Do you ever hear from your exs after you release a song about them?
Chuuya: Well some of them like to write really long emails.
Interviewer: Oh really?
Chuuya: Hm. The guys when I break up with them are like, "You better not write a song about this!"
Chuuya: and I'm like, "No, I wont."
Interviewer:
Chuuya: and then I do.
Interviewer:
Interviewer: Have your ever written a song it was so mean you couldn't release it?
Chuuya: No, I just put those on my albums.
Dazai: When I was 15 I googled "two men kissing" on Mori's computer and when he asked me why that was in his search bar, I said "Idk, you tell me"
Dazai: and it worked.
Chuuya, waisted, through the phone: It gets lonely here. And you know what happens when I'm lonely mackerel?
Dazai:
Chuuya: When I'm lonely I become hungry and when I become hungry I want to choke on that *beep* of yours, *beep* close, then lick all of your *beep* before taking out your *beep* and *beep* with more teeth *beep* until you're screaming *extended beep* like a fucking baby-
Dazai, traumatized: *ends the call, breaks his phone in two, punches the broken phone with a big book multiple times, makes a milkshake with the million little pieces of what remained from the phone and then gives it to Atsushi to drink it*
*playing twister*
Dazai: okay, Akutagawa, right hand red.
Akutagawa: *ends up on top of Atsushi*
Atsushi: wait— Dazai, you're doing this on purpose, aren't you?
Dazai: I stopped spinning about 10 turns ago, I'm surprised you didn't notice sooner.