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Internalized Ableism - Blog Posts
vent I'm pretty sure no one asked or cared about
God, I just hate that talk of "oh, things will eventually get better" so fucking much. I have been to therapy for years, so did I keep on taking medication and tried physical exercise but NOTHING worked. And please, do not view this as a "but it doesn't matter doing those things and not changing your mindset" because, FUCK, i tried. I tried so hard to believe things would be better. That this crippling feeling of loneliness that genuinely make my bones ache would eventually dissipate, if not completely, then at least a little. That the little me as a kid wouldn't need to imagine a world he'd feel truly feel seen and understood because people would be like it in the future. I remember everytime I felt disconnected from others around me, even friends and family, I'd tell myself all would change one day and would lose track of time desperately desiring for simple moments that felt magical in my head, like having a true heartfelt conversation and being truly seen and understood by somebody. Now I understand that it doesn't get to happen, you just keep pushing on until you die and I don't want this existence. I feel like I, ironically, love life and it's possibilities too much to end up like this. I just...i don't know. I was diagnosed as autistic not long ago, and yeah, it surely was one of the big reasons why I felt so disconnected and different from others my age but even with that, it still feels like there's something wrong. Something that no doctor can point at or diagnose. Something rotten and wrong and deeply ingrained in me that makes people leave eventually. That make other people see me as "cool or whatever" to be around for a bit before moving on with their lives and finding actual people. So...yeah. It was depressing
Reminds me of when I went to a Renaissance festival with a big wooden staff and I was so excited because I didn't have to worry about my balance so much. And then it still took me months to start using a cane even just at home
A reminder that if you didn’t need a mobility aid you wouldn’t be day dreaming and fantasizing about how they would help you navigate the world and that no matter how much internalized ableism you hold it won’t change your reality about your conditions and you SHOULD do what is best for you because no one will punish you more than yourself if you keep ignoring your needs
I recently went on a touristy vacation where I knew we were going to be walking a lot so I brought the cane I have with me. Mind you it was a 3ish week long vacation in a foreign country. I had bought a cane maybe a year before even though my doctor didn't think I needed it because "you could just sit down or not walk for long distances instead" and "you're too young to use a cane". So naturally I ignored her and followed my disabled friend's advice instead and bought a cane. But I barely used it because I got in my own head about not reaaally needing it and other internalised ableism stuff. Also people staring didn't help.
Fast forward to the vacation where I used it religiously. And it helped soo much! I noticed I could walk farther and walk for more days in a row, because my pain levels were lower. It helped so much that I could no longer justify not using it to myself.
Now it's 6 weeks later and I use my cane everyday.
I wrote some poetry about autism when I was younger but now looking back on it I don't think I really liked acknowledging the fact that I was disabled by my autism. If anything I was desperate to prove how undisabled I am and now that I'm older and having more frequent meltdowns I'm starting to think I have some sort of complex around accepting the fact that I am in fact developmentally disabled
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I have been really going through it with bad memories from my life as Zuki lately, lol.
So, instead, I wanna share some good memories I have so I can balance out the bad.
Since I was like an older sibling to Izuku, I would let him help me preen my wings and shit, which is a thing for mostly family [and mates]. He was one of the only ones that I allowed to do this for a long time. Eventually, others from Class 1A got added to the list of people who were allowed to even touch my wings, let alone preen them. Hikari, my queer platonic partner, was the second person who I allowed to preen my wings [of my class], we may not have been romantic, but they were still my mate. Hitoshi was the third cause he was my little brother, legally this time, lol. Toshi was the least likely to ask to preen my wings though, even after getting permission to ask, I would usually have to ask him if he wanted to help for him to feel like he could, lol [it did come from his trauma though so it's ok, love you bro]. I allowed Denki to touch my wings and tail cause it would help with his ADHD sometimes, which mood I would play with my own tail to help my ADHD, lol. There are others, but these are the ones I feel like sharing rn.
Bro, I remember hanging out with the "girls" [I use quotes cause not everyone identified as a girl/woman]. We would have "girl's night," which once again not everyone identified with that gender but it's pretty much what we would call it, lol. It was fun. We would paint each other's nails. The ones who knew makeup and shit would help those who wanted to learn. And we would just talk about shit. I miss these "girl's nights" so much.
I miss the game nights we would have as a whole class. We had to ban some games cause of how people got, lol. Monopoly was the first one to be banned, lol. We would play Uno the most, even though people got very competitive [*cough* Bakugo and me mainly *cough*]. We also had to ban truth or dare, and I will not be explaining why, I think it's obvious why. Would you rather and never have I ever were allowed though, lol.
Dadzawa and Papamic would take me, Eri, and Toshi to do fun activities, such as arts and crafts, go trick or treating, and other fun shit, lol. I would usually end up carrying Eri at some point cause she loved to be carried, and it helped with my protective instincts, lol. I would usually wrap my wings around her while holding her, and she loved it. If someone who is good at art would draw that for me, I would love it [I don't have money rn so I'm not gonna commission anyone right now, but I might when I get enough money, lol].
I would never have described myself as good with kids, and I would say that I wasn't a lot. My friends and family tended to disagree with me there. They would bring up how good I was with Eri, Kota, and a kid who is not canon. But I would bring up in response that they were all traumatized kids that I latched onto in a sibling way mainly but also cause I saw bits of myself in them and didn't want them to not have someone. Other kids I was definitely not good with. I would say I'm not really good with kids in this life, even though at the church I am forced to go to, I help with the kids, lol. Kids are kinda weird.
I remember Remo, my service dog, and despite the fact that I had been so fucking upset that I needed another being/creature with me to function, I loved him. I remember when I would have him off duty and use my quirk to become a little wolfdog with wings spirit thing and play with him, lol. I also used that to play with Hikari, whose quirk let them become certain animals, lol. It was very fun to do these things and I miss being able to do that.
I really miss everyone. I miss my life as Zuki. I miss my pack. I miss my wings. I miss my tail. I miss my ears. I miss my sharp teeth. I miss my claws. I miss being Zuki physically.
- Zuki Shay Lupo (They/it/xe)
At this point, I know I am just screaming into the void by posting this. The probability that more than three or four people will actually read this rant/diatribe is slim!
I have been working on an assignment at work for going on three days, and have yet to finish it. It might be more accurate to say that I have been researching for the assignment for 3 days, and really writing/drafting for three hours total. Why haven’t I made more progress you ask? Oh, it’s just because of my anxiety, Dyslexia, OCD, imposter syndrome, burnout, skill regression, and brain fog! No big deal, (sarcasm)!
Sometimes, it feels I’m slowly loosing myself.