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I think about Mary a lot. I think about how she was given a gift from God to birth Jesus. I think about how she was pure, untouched, and praised for her chastity.
And I think about her thoughts. I think about what she felt when she learned she was to give birth. Did she think that she was lucky to be given such a gift, to be able to produce a child from God?
Did she feel dejected, that her purity was rewarded with the same result as impurity, only without the pleasure or love?
Did she feel scared, that a 15 year old such as herself would be a bad mother?
Was she horrified, that her pure body was being invaded by a child she didn't want? A child that told others that she was no longer pure?
Did she feel sick, that her god would punish her with the pains of progeny without having even fully developed, and now she would never be pure again?
Was she miserable, sad that the only way she would be viewed is as a virgin? As a woman who has never felt the love of another? Only a product of what others saw as a good woman?
Did you have a life, wants, and dreams? Did you love someone? Did you hate anyone? Were you ever a person? Did you exist simply as a story? Sweet Mary, are you satisfied with the title of a Virgin, a Mother, and a Christain?
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My friend thinks I hate them and it’s all my fault. It’s my fault for never being able to tell people I care about them and not being able to express my feelings. It’s something I’ve struggled with ever since I was a little kid and I’ve never been able to get over it. I stopped going to counselling because I fucked my sleep schedule up. It’s always gonna be my fault. EVERYTHING has always been my fault. No one is left to blame but me. I always ask for everything and it’s what I deserve. Cause who would I be without what he did to me? Sure, it might've made me "stronger" but what if I didn't want to be stronger? What if I just wanted someone to love me? If my trauma makes me stronger why do I still feel so weak?