Tw Csa - Blog Posts

i can't stop thinking about how the show portraits Roman's intimacy issues in a way that feels too close to home when it comes to SA and how it affects your relationship with sex and being intimate in the future. He can only link feelings of pleasure to shame, such as when him and Tabitha try to have sex in s2e5 (you can literally see it on his face that asking her to "play dead" is something that makes him ashamed, but it's the only way he can manage to do it. If there's an element of wrongness there) or the times where he gets turned on by Gerri degrading him and can only manage to feel pleasure from it.

I haven't finished the show yet but, from what I've seen online, I believe the writers will not expand or explore that. However, I still believe his fixation with "taboo sex" (from constantly joking about it to performing) plus the issues with actually doing it and some jokes here and there about being abused as a child, is not there merely for laughs or as a proof he's "a creep or a weirdo" (plus, it's canon that Roman often says stuff that actually happened with a joke tone, so people can't tell it's real)

...or I might be projecting, idk

(also, the whole thing with Logan putting Shiv's hand under his pants due to the "confusion" morphine caused him is weird af. More people should comment on that)

tw//CSA

same with me. talked about it with my therapist and she told me that its normal because its the way your brain protects you from the trauma you went through

for me, it feels foggy. like a mist is clouding over what happened. the memory, its still there, but it doesnt feel real. as if it was something my brain made up. but i know it wasnt. one of my earliest memories was of it happening to me and it continued on for years. but my brain chose to forget it and whatever i do remember of it is a foggy memory.

tbh im glad my brain chose to forget it. i dont know what kind of person id be if i did. when i was unpacking some of it with my therapist (i didnt like talking about it nor ever brought it up, we only spoke on it if she brought it up) and was going through the legal process to get my abuser charged, i was terrified of everyone and immediately became jumpy and screamed whenever my friends would spook me.

its probably why i even still now have terrible memory even now lmaooo

the SA comic really resonated with me.. i’ve experienced similar. do you feel sick when you look back on the experience, and/or has making such a comic helped you move forward? i hope this isn’t too weird to ask but thank you.... i’m sure lots more people felt seen after you told your story.

To be honest I don't feel much. It feels more like something that happened to someone else. Not one of my memories

A message for young women in these perilous times!

BIG BIG TW!!!!!

Important information for RQs

[PT: Important information for RQs.]

**TRIGGER WARNING for talk about nsfw activies with (young children.**

For this post, I will be referring to chrono children simply as children for the sake of simplicity. This does not (always) apply to transage children.

There is a server that I've seen being advertised a couple of times as a radqueer, pro-c server.

This server is called rad.haven, and is run by a user known as hibiscux (also on tumblr, they have the same pfp as their discord pfp).

Here is a series of screenshots of hibiscux and other members of the server, arguing with a member (who, IMO, has common sense. I blocked out their user as I don't believe they deserve to be brought into anything related to this).

As you can see from these screenshots, hibiscux and the other members of this server believe several things

That young children (as young as six, and possibly younger) can consent, and

That sexual acts with children do not harm the child, or

2a. That children understand the risks and possible harms that can be caused by sexual acts with adults, and can consent to those.

None of these things are true. MANY sources can tell you that sexual acts performed with children are harmful and cause mental and physical pain. This server saying that these things are ok, and that VIDEOING and POSTING these acts online is also ok, is absolutely fucking disgusting. This makes me feel sick to my stomach. This is horrendous.

If you are in this server, or support hibiscux in any way, don't ever fucking interact with me (unless it's to tell me to block you).

This is important. If you are in agreement with what I am saying here, please reblog this post to let others in the community know about this person, either so they block them or block me.

me and omegle

So I'm reblogging this from a fandom person I follow but it's on brand for the shit I post so, hello! I have OSDD and CPTSD (both of those disorders have a HUGE amount of symptom overlap and are caused by severe, prolonged trauma). I have different types of flashbacks, triggered by different things, so I'll try to organize my answer below but please be aware that my answers might be triggering especially for anyone who has experienced childhood sexual abuse and/or child trafficking. These terms are just what I use to discuss them with my therapist, so idk if they are official terms or not.

• Tactile flashbacks, also called tactile hallucinations

In these, I am entirely aware of where and when I am, but I feel sensations that were occurring during my trauma. It's usually triggered by experiencing pain from old injuries. For specifically (TW!!!!), I occasionally get nerve pain in my vulva from an injury where I was penetrated with an object and it damaged my cervix severely. Sometimes that nerve pain triggers a tactile flashbacks, where I can feel hands and the object touching me exactly the way it felt when it was really happening. It is so realistic that the first few times it happened, part of me was shocked that I wasn't bleeding or hadn't sat on a knife or some weird shit. It makes it feel like I don't even have pants on. It's fucking disorienting and PAINFUL and scary.

I've spent years training myself to show it as little as possible if it happens in public, because it's not the kind of thing that's easily explainable. But the added stress of hiding it triggers me even more- because hiding was an important job I did to cover up for my abusers, so hiding pain is both instinctual and triggering now- that it kind of just makes it worse. So if I'm around someone, they might see me grimace or shift on my chair a bit, I've also heard that I get pretty pale, but I almost always lie and make up an excuse like cramps, which people tend to believe.

But in reality it's horrific and once I'm in privacy, I am pretty useless for the rest of the day unless I have a close friend or my husband around to help me stay grounded and get back on track.

•Emotional flashbacks

This happens a lot when I'm triggered by an everyday normal occurrence that in normal life, is totally fine, but in my past was something I used to know whether or not I was in danger. Probably the most annoying one is the sound of dishes clanging as someone puts them away. If that happened in my childhood, it meant I hadn't put away the dishes in time, and would be punished (but not grounded because my parents were fucking monsters- punishment for me was things like being locked in very small spaces, being forced to braid my hair in high pigtails and hairspray it and go to school looking stupid, not getting food for a few days, having things thrown at me, sometimes the dishes themselves being physically broken on me).

So imagine what a child's emotions might be, knowing they're about to undergo a severe punishment- fear, regret, remorse, defence, desperation- and then transplant all of those emotions into my 32 year old body. It makes me have some wacky ass responses to my husband putting away the clean dishes. I've spent YEARS working on it but we've been together since I was 19, and just last year I got to the point where I could let him put dishes away without me actually yelling at him, or apologizing, or crying. Thank god for therapy.

Emotional flashbacks can really have drastic, immediate control over my behavior, which makes them pretty dangerous when it's not a situation as innocuous as putting away dishes. It's very hard for me to control what I say and do during these episodes, and it's one of the reasons I was diagnosed with OSDD, because my therapist thinks that when I have emotional flashbacks, I dissociate and another part of my personality kind of takes over. And it really is a dramatic personality shift. Still a part of me, but a much younger version. I used to have total amnesia of these episodes and only knew they were happening because my husband would explain them to me. Now I manage to stay conscious (sometimes called co-conscious by people in the OSDD/DID communities) but still have partial amnesia. It makes it very difficult for me to understand what someone is saying to me long enough to formulate a response that makes sense. It's horrible and really challenging to hide or control.

•Visual/dissociated flashbacks

These have only ever been triggered by sex, and they're very similar to the way flashbacks are portrayed in the media, like in movies. Either all or most of my visual field changes from the current situation to a traumatic sexual abuse memory. I completely dissociate, have no idea where I am or what's happening, but the difference from this and movies is that even within the memory, I don't understand what's happening. I don't go into it with my knowledge of what's happening and 15 years of therapy, I'm right back in the exact mindset I was when it was happening, just with the added idea that something is very wrong. Sometimes it feels like I'm asleep in a nightmare, sometimes it feels like I'm literally living it. They don't last more than maybe 30 seconds or so, and my husband tells me that he knows it's happening because my eyes get really wide, I go totally limp, and don't respond except in a way that's similar to how people might talk in their sleep. Once I come out of it, it's straight to having a panic attack, which as you can imagine is kind of awkward when you're in the middle of trying to fuck your partner. My husband is amazing about it all, but when we first got together it scared the shit out of both of us.

•Some other notes: I often try to ground myself so that I don't dissociate during or after a flashback, but for years the only way I knew to ground myself involved pain. I eventually tried to switch to methods that would hurt but not injure me (pinching the skin between my fingers, punching my thighs). But now I do grounding in a way that doesn't hurt myself- or at least I try to. I talk to myself, out loud, to remind myself where I am, what year it is, what's happening, etc. I do breathing exercises, sing loudly, try to hold a conversation. All of those things can help me stay in the present moment. Unfortunately they don't always work, but hey ya can't win 'em all.

@z-mizcellaneous-z I know that's a LOT but lemme know if you have questions or want any more details/info! I'm happy to share!

Call for People who Have First Hand Experience with PTSD

(Part of The Research Game, question by @z-mizcellaneous-z)

We are wondering if anyone who has first-hand experience can share with us what PTSD flashbacks look or feel like to you, as well as what it might look like from the outside perspective (such as witnessed by friends/strangers).

(please only share if you're comfortable. You can also send me an anonymous ask instead!)

Everyone else, reblog this around until we can find someone who has the answer!

(Otherwise, there's a Youtube channel I know of that aims to spread awareness of PTSD and may help you here: https://youtu.be/vdLfrJSzMY8, though it's important to note she has Complex PTSD, which is slightly different and is characterized by prolonged trauma rather than a single event)