Tw Dysphoria - Blog Posts

You ever look into the mirror and go ew

Cause honestly me all the time

I just see something that's not me, not ever going to be me. I know I'm never going to like that image in thr mirror until my chest is flat, I'm taller, I'm more muscular, I have facial hair, and I have a less feminine physique.

I don't think any of this is going to happen, so I don't think I'll ever like how I look.

I know everyone who ever sees me will see me as a girl. I see it in strangers when they talk to me. I see it when my family talks about me to others. I see it when friends accidentally misgender me. Like, I know they're trying, and they accept me, but it hurts to know they still unconsciously see me that way.

Idk

hahaha starting to slowly not recognize or love how i look when i look in the mirror...that's lovely

Toothache

Mirror mirror why do you show

The train that can’t be coming that slow

I feel the rumbling under my feet, in my bones and in my teeth

Mirror mirror why do you lie

Showing me a girl when I can’t fly

I feel the ache, the tears and all I’ve ate

Mirror mirror why have you forsaken me

Why don’t you show me what I could see

I see your cracks and blood and flack

Mirror mirror what have you done

What can I do to make us one

I see them here, dead and free

Why do I see them in your face, but only death stares in my place

Hi! Op Loki here in the explain-inator! Welcome those who are curious enough to step foot into the ‘keep reading’ box! I suffer from insomnia and occasional hallucinations during said insomnia episodes, which often can be somewhat useful in helping me pinpoint which part of my mental state caused this little bout of insomnia. Recently (for when I wrote this) I’ve been suffering from bodily autonomy issues due to my education’s strict policies and many people demanding my time and effort for their own conveniences. I usually have a hard time saying no to these people because they’re usually closer to me, and it got to the point where it was like ‘hold on a minute, this is *deadname*, not Legion/Loki’. When I thought about myself. And, well, the hallucination wanted to highlight the unstoppable passage of time, my autonomy issues, and the inherent dysphoria that comes with being LGBT in general. And, to do that, it chose time, mirrors, and vampires. But who am I to question- would this be Apollo? Thanks, Apollo, ik I’m still new to worship, but this helped. A lot. And Ares, for giving me the strength to fight.

Howdy, I’m Sonny, your local enby demiboy and I’m here to talk about ✨names✨

Okay so this is mostly a personal rant (feel free to skip)

Ok so

The summer before 8th grade I had determined I didn’t like being called my legal name or the (god damned) nickname that came with it. So I started thinking about names that could pass as nicknames for my legal name.

I was listening to musicals like I often do and in the heights came on, and I guess you can see where this is going.

I chose my name in honor and reference to Sonny and kept that spelling as a way to convince that it was derived from legal name.

And so I started introducing myself as Sonny. It made me happy, when people call me Sonny I would be more excited to answer, and my mom started introducing me to her friends as Sonny.

Mind you, I changed my name before I determined it was okay for me to question my gender.

When I accepted that I wasn’t cisgender I started to think of ways I could either come out to my mother or gain comfort without.

I have determined that I shouldn’t come out, not with how my mom see’s people who fall out of the binary and even those who just don’t associate with their AGAB.

But I started to drop hints that I dislike how my figure falls. Y’know specifically the stupid flash sacks hanging from my torso.

This is about the time that things started to change.

My mom stopped introducing me as Sonny.

It was slow at first

“Oh this is Sonny”

“Oh this is my DAUGHTER, *legal name* but SHE goes by Sonny”

“This is *legal name*”

“This is *god damn evil nickname*”

I don’t know if she suspects something, but she’s the type to confront you if she is suspicious.

That’s how I got dragged out of the closet as asexual.

But I just wanted to illustrate how bad it can make you feel when someone ignores your name.

When she stopped using my preferred name, it felt like she decided I didn’t have to be respected.

I don’t need to be acknowledged correctly.

I don’t have to feel comfort or joy when someone addresses me.

I don’t think that’s just me.

REAL

Like why can’t I be a being of mist or something???☹️☹️☹️

Nonbinary dysphoria is wack bc sometimes I look in the mirror and I’m like oh no I look too masculine and too feminine at the same time. 

Sometimes you just want to look like a blob. 

I'm not Trans but GODDANMIT!! Feels like i'm being thrown out the window...

Like and reblog if you can relate to this:

friendly PSA to my tguy mooties :

you do NOT need to be fully flat. binders very rarely make you completely flat unless you're already quite small-chested. you don't need to live up to the unreal expectation that tguys are flatter than a board.

furthermore, a lot of cis guys have chest mass too. pec muscles are obviously a thing!

you don't need to fulfill anyone's expectations or ideas of tguys. you don't live to please anyone. it's completely fine to wish you WERE flatter since that's a thing a lot of tguys feel, but you shouldn't feel obligated to have to be flat, or else you aren't "valid enough."

love you all.

Vi didn't like what they saw in the mirror.

Gender Dysphoria 

Its not like you don't like the way you look, it not that you can't change who you are. It's the fact that you hate yourself, it's the fact that every fucking moment you hate the look of your chest, too flat or big

You hate the look of your hair, to feminine, to masculine. You hate the shape of your body, the way your eyes are tired and the way you are perceived, 

You hate the Dysphoria it gives you to be called a boy or a girl. You cringe every fucking time someone calls you she, or he. You hate yourself, so fucking much and it hurts. It hurts so much to sit and cry in my bathroom floor, my parents asking what's wrong, everyone asking what happens to the little girl or boy that I used to know.

 And then you give them the answer, the answer that you dread, the answer that lingers in the back of your mind, the answer that they force you to hear.

And sometimes it feels good to hear the words that you hate, 

But other times it's just as painful then when you say it in your head.

Welcome to December. This was made in November. Touching on social dysphoria for a project. Enjoy.

(The nb character in the drawing uses xe/xem pronouns btw if you'd like to refer to xem!)

(Click for better quality)

This is vent-ish, so a little warning for my trans-masc dysphoria (although i still try to be uplifting lol)

Shout out to all AFAB trans people with big hips (me)

Even after going on T and getting top surgery we will still have feminine hips

Ik personally, it haunts me. There will always be a part of me that says “I’m a woman!!” and there is no way to get rid of it, no way for me to ever feel truly happy with my body and wear the clothing i want to wear

But, it’s ok, i’m still alive and that’s all that matters <3

Life sucks sometimes. some stuff sucks all the time and that’s ok, bc there will always be stuff that doesn’t suck

Beastkin Lore and Trans-Coded Werewolf compilation cause I am too impatient to wait for the anime.

Also, Laios being Laios called out for it.

My biggest upset after learning i was trans aside from the obvious classic normal disappointments like "its not happening fast enough, estrogen isn't going to fix my shoulder width, etc" was learning that I have to be my own force femme gf, no one is gonna do it for me. And if I can't compel myself to whatever reason, it just doesn't get done. Maybe (probably) it's unhelpful to think of it this way, but the venice of gender has to be built constantly. It won't ever fully vanish but it will sink out of sight and reappear and disappear. I think if I had Adderall the labor of transformation would be easier, but literally what wouldn't be easier with Adderall. I wish that the mantras were enough and that i could subsist off of my own internal confidence of my gender, but sadly despite my best efforts I am still affected by the misgendering and misconceptions of Randoms on the street, and am ultimately beholden to their unsolicited feedback. I would be happy to be a fat dyke with hairy arms and facial hair and a deep voice, but I must shave and adhere to the fallibly rigid cis women tropes if I want to be treated like a girl outside of the house. Okay im done bitching, thank you for coming to my vent post, like comment and subscribe, dont forget to ring that bell

Sometimes, I think that it'd be better, if I'd be a man. I could look like I want, I wouldn't have boobs, and periods, and people would see in me personality, not just boobs and vagina. I hate fact of being girl. I hate fact of that people will refer to me as she/her even when I told them to refer me as they/them/it/its.

feeling very dysphoric today so the only way to cope is to sexualize it. but i want someone to roughhouse with me, shove my head to the ground. we’re both sweaty, out of breath. im squirming under them and they pin me down with one more shove to my head.

“whats this about you feeling like youre a girl? huh?” they lean in and im just stammering, mumbling about how i dont know, i just feel that way.

they grunt and pull back, only just to sit on top of me to shove my pants down to my thighs. they grab me and immediately start jacking me off.

“could i do this if you were a girl? hm? tell me.” id shake my head, whining and trying to shove their hand away. but theyd just smack my hand away, their free hand shoving my head down again.

“im going to show you how good of a man you make. then im never gonna hear anymore of this ‘im a girl’ bullshit again, you hear me?”

I am one painful dysphoria filled shower away from DIY top surgery

Nobody talks about what it’s like to be trans in performing arts. I do Orchestra and Chorus and for both I need uniforms for the concerts.

For Orchestra, we have the option of a blouse and palazzo pants if we don’t want a dress. But that still feels too feminine for me and makes me very dysphoric.

On the other hand, in Chorus we don’t have any other option. The only option I have in the dress. Which makes me dysphoric as well.

And honestly, it’s not just the clothes. That’s the smallest part of it. It’s seeing the guys in button ups and dress shoes with bowties on. It’s the knowledge that I’ll never be a teenager again and I’ll never feel comfortable during these times. No matter how much I genuinely enjoy going to these concerts. (Not Orchestra tho but that’s another can of worms.)

It’s also the fact that my mom will never in a million years let me buy the boys uniform. It’s a burning reminder that she’ll never accept me for the way I am. And even if she did, my chest would ruin it and I’d feel really silly. I hate this :(

~I have a flash fiction piece published in Newfound Journal~

it’s here: http://newfoundjournal.org/current-issue/flash-claire-oleson/